eratosmusings

[eratosmusings]

do ur fucking click

[pt: do ur fucking click. end pt)

[eratosmusings]

THIN HOUSE WORDS DIVIDERS.

Ok, so, let me give you these first. 😜 There‘ll come another set tomorrow. If you want one with a different font, just hit me up!

TARGARYEN.

STARK.

LANNISTER.

TYRELL.

GREYJOY.

BOLTON.

MORMONT.

BARATHEON.

ARRYN.

MARTELL.

Please like or reblog if you use.

[eratosmusings]

when a powerful figure is reduced to kneeling. when the lord is forced to bow. when the exile stumbles into an unwelcoming bar. when the “beast” is chained by their horns. when a god is dragged behind their enemy’s chariot, a captive and trophy. when the loyal “guard dog” character is muzzled and the silver-tongued thief falls silent in horror.

that’s the shit

it’s about the contrapasso. the reversal of roles and the sudden, plunging terror of being unable to hide.

[eratosmusings]

THIN, MINIMALISTIC HOUSE SYMBOLS DIVIDERS.

TARGARYEN.

STARK.

BARATHEON.

LANNISTER.

BOLTON.

MORMONT.

ARRYN.

GREYJOY.

MARTELL.

TYRELL.

Please like or reblog if you use.

[eratosmusings]

The fact that this teams and stan crap is leaking over into real life again, needs to stop. Seriously, it's not a big deal if you want to keep things seperate so you don't wander into a fandom space you don't want to be in, but lashing out at the actors? Inexcusable.

First it was Fabien Frankel's social media comments being filled with hate for Criston Cole and for Fabien himself. Then it was Tom Glynn Carney's. Fabien has had to deactivate his socials several times and TGC's is handled by a manager now.

Then someone literally got in Olivia Cooke's face when she was minding her own business in a bar and called Alicent a "cunt".

Folks bitching at Harry Collet for being Team Black - HUH? Did you expect him to be Team Green? Give me a break.

And now it's racist crap being thrown at Bethany Antonia.

This needs to stop.

It's a fucking show. It's not that deep. It's a show.

Get some mental help if you struggle to seperate the two.

[eratosmusings]

“​…you're too distracted coveting the feast your brother's gorging himself on to notice him begin to choke”

oh my god? oh my god? oh my GOD?

no one should want their fav to rule. thats why being militant about your 'team' is genuinely silly. the throne isn't a prize... it's a curse. most of the main characters dont even want it. rhaenyra only wants it because it's representative of her father's love. aegon doesnt want it at all. alicent only wants it as protection for her children. we see viserys trapped under his crown; the throne killed him and because of it he killed aemma. and whilst rhaenys may have wanted it once she is hugely disallusioned after seeing what its done to viserys.

the only ones who are or ever have been desperate for what the throne offers are daemon, corlys, aemond, and otto. and corlys wants it because of his specific obsession with legacy... whereas the rest of them. hm. oh the curse of the second son - an innate sense of inferiority breeds a desire for power at any cost. they're beaten back only by their love for their older brothers. brothers they sometimes hate almost as much as they love them. how agonising must it be to so narrowly miss out on so much power and influence, land and titles, in a patriarchal world that considers such things indicative of your masculinity and virility. you might as well be a eunuch, pushed further and further from power with each son born to your brother. while they never have to lift a finger, if you want even a pale imitation of the same you'll have to claw your way towards it; fashion yourself into the fiercest warrior, the most dedicated scholar, the shrewdest politican. and all the while you're too distracted coveting the feast your brother's gorging himself on to notice him begin to choke.

#the curse of the second son #hotd

[eratosmusings]

hopefully getting out a couple updates these next few days, sorry for the long wait 💕

#loyalty #stolen destiny

[eratosmusings]

saw a post shitting on people for liking female characters in asoiaf who were wronged and did not/were unable to fight back and "simply" didnt fight for a better life

like yeah its so simple to undo centuries of patriarchy. it's not like the female characters who did fight back weren't in constant danger because of all the forces working against them

there was also an implication that enjoying these characters somehow shows our own passivity and adherence to patriarchal values

(oh and apparently we hate strong women too. because as you know, only two types of women exist, and you can only like one of them)

turns out you can understand someone's entire ideology and psychological state based on which asoaif characters they like?

i don't think it's wrong for fans to feel a sense of kinship with tragic characters, especially if said fans feel trapped or have felt trapped by their circumstances irl (especially if they feel trapped because of conservative ideologies, like their favourite characters are)

yes it's good to have independent and strong characters to look up to. and it's important to advocate for yourself and make difficult decisions in life

but no one can be the hero of their own story all the time

sometimes you don't feel strong or brave and sometimes shit hurts and sometimes there's nothing you can do about it in the moment (or at all). and in those cases it's nice to have characters to relate to

just like it's nice to have sad music to listen to when you feel like crap. it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you

some women unfortunately are victims, and having empathy for them or even seeing yourself in them doesn't make you weak

edit: it's also very telling that the assumption here is that our interest comes from valuing passivity...what about anger and indignation at the way these women were treated? what about imagining better endings for them where they do get a better life? we aren't the ones who think so little of these characters that all we can imagine them good for is pity.

[eratosmusings]

Hi, Ange. I know you probably don't want to talk about this subject anymore, but is the screenshot you talk about about Brazilian fans true? I wanted to know because I didn't see any clarification in any other post and as a Brazilian who likes your stories I was hurt. If you don't want to answer that's fine, I just wanted to clarify this once in for all but you obviously don't own me anything

Hi, love.

No, it is not. There’s a very helpful post created by Hagi here regarding the reliability of most of those “screenshots”.

I have never spoken badly about Brazilians. The screenshot that is real in that post is the one where I mentioned that Mari (a mutual at the time) had unfollowed me around the time that I received an anonymous ask telling me to die in my sleep. When I checked my IP tracker, I had had a Brazilian IP address visit my asks, so I expressed my disappointment at this. Never once did I make derogatory remarks with regards to nationality. I never would.

I was confused as to why this would happen, until months later during “bimbogate” I saw people making mention that they had considered my actions around the time of the announcement of Ewan’s appearance at CCXP to be racist. I was still puzzled by this, as I don’t think I had posted anything that could be considered racist. I refused to believe Ewan would be attending until I’d seen official confirmation, and I noncommittally answered an ask from an anon expressing their concerns over fan behaviour. But the ask and unfollow suddenly made sense. That’s all of it.

I am genuinely sorry that you have been made to feel like I have prejudice against you. Regardless of the untruth, that can’t be nice to see and I hate that for you. I hope that my response goes some way in easing your mind.

[eratosmusings]

I am a graphic designer by education and profession. Looking for modifications and manipulations in graphics is my hobby. You can see the most in graphics when they are properly exposed. For example, using the exposure tool in Photoshop. I set the sliders to: first one: + 13.65, second one: +0.0096, third one: +1.65 and this is what my eyes saw.

Each application has its own way of encoding images and text. Here, apparently, when writing text, the application created transparent rectangular frames under each text, which you can clearly see below.

But I noticed something strange in some screenshots. Text without such borders. Text I think was added in a graphics program. There are only pixels around it.

Here, in turn, I noticed a different relationship. When the text comes from the original screenshot, the pixels around the text surround the text so that it floats on long letters like "d,t,l,b,k". However, somehow magically in others, the pixels around them are perfectly even and take the shape of a rectangle.

These screenshots come from the wonderful houseoftheassholes.

Now let's look at the couple of screenshots Em published. You can clearly see after I overexposed the area that she blurred in the program to obscure the data. Apart from that? Clean screenshot in very good quality. Eveything looks the same.

In graphics, nothing happens without a reason. The applications are created automatically and operate on the basis of numbers and calculations. They don't make mistakes, it's impossible for one text to be displayed one way and another another.

I haven't checked all the screenshots because I don't have the strength to do it anymore. I just felt that as a graphic designer I owed it to everyone to check it out.

No one told me to do this or asked me to do it. This is my personal opinion on my personal blog. I leave it to you to decide what you think about it.

[eratosmusings]

About the movie canon

What do you think about the addition of Feyd killing his mother?

Also...

maybe she was trying to force him to do something or maybe she was hurting him

and he was already brainwashed enough to want to stay so he lashed out

as a sort of initiation and bloody break with the past or anything not Harkonnen

maybe it's just rumour and the Baron had her killed in front of him

comment/reblog/ask

#my interpretation was in childbirth #he seems the type to buy into the mentality he was born with blood on his hands

[eratosmusings]

Please see the original post. Thank you to @queen--kenobi for sharing it with me.

You are correct and so very justified in this.

I have been hateful to others. I have been woefully complicit in the racial harassment of a POC user @themotherofblood—a girl who is so very young to have received the horror she did—and the harassment of several other members of the community during my acquaintanceship with Bel and Fae, in a manner that is at best cowardly and at worst morally and fundamentally reprehensible. I have behaved in a manner that is disgusting, deplorable, wrong on every level of measurement.

I either ignored the mention of or laugh-reacted at conveyance of numerous anons Bel and Fae reported themselves as having sent. I continued in conversation as they made lengthy, detailed insults about other users, offering no criticism of the behaviour. I said nothing while people experienced their frustration over receiving hate. I let my anger and paranoia fuel me into creating an entirely new Discord account for the sole purpose of ensuring that others weren’t committing the very same behaviours I was allowing against me. I created a burner account to retrieve “evidence” from another blog to support my statements, violating their right to feel entitled to privacy. I never once voiced suspicions over other anons I privately attributed to Bel and Fae due to the similarities in their cadence and seeming motivation. I fell into the most toxic cesspit of groupthink and let others direct my appalling behaviour without acknowledging the fact that as an adult, the only one in control of my behaviour should be myself. My entitlement gave me the illusion that my suffering during my time in fandom excused me from doing my moral duty to this community and to society. And, perhaps the most damning of it all, it was not until I was personally motivated by my own selfish fear and anxiety that I finally abandoned the source of so much hate.

It didn’t end there. I continued to say nothing, days and weeks and months after the fallout. I did not act quickly in the wake of the fallout. I sat, silent, complicit, soundless while the hate rampaged on.

Thank you to @/witheredoffherwitch for a thoughtful and well-articulated call-out of things I was too arrogant to see within the scope of my own circle. I deserved the things said, and I should have been far less up my own arse to see this for myself. I will not make any kind of excuse here. This is not the place for it.

I definitely do suck ass. I am and have historically been a petty, mean loser. I am a hypocrite, an asshole, and a piece of shit for the way I have behaved. I have done a great deal of harm in publicising the things I have, and even more in having ever been involved in the first place. Your lives are not sport for our entertainment. You’re real people too, just the same as me.

I will very much try to do better and be far more strong-willed in future. I will be kinder and devote my energy to being someone that no longer resembles a piece of human crap. Whether that be a journey I take with or without the people I have met and adored along the way, that is what must be. I want to get back to writing, but actively ensure I do not simply “leave this experience in the past”. It is something I need to carry ahead with me as a reminder of the damage I have done and the very many people I have hurt and disappointed.

I am going to try. It doesn’t make it right. It doesn’t make it okay.

[eratosmusings]

I have been off of Tumblr all day. But I am saddened and sickened to see what I’ve returned to.

I have a genuine love for the people I interact with here. While I have had my differences in the past with people, most have been resolved by talking it out like mature adults in private, so that we can move past it and resume our friendship. As it should be.

I will admit, I have been unkind about people I have had mutual enmity with, where a resolution was not possible and there was ill feeling on both sides. But who is not guilty of that? The post circulated today contains a blend of genuine screenshots, and a lot of ones that have been doctored. For those that converse with me on a regular basis, you’ll be aware of my use of syntax, turns of phrase and general mannerisms of speech. To quote a good friend “this Ange feels very ooc to me.”

To further address the racism, I will hold my hands up and apologise for not speaking out sooner. I have never excused it, simply been avoidant of it because I did not feel safe to speak out. When someone repeatedly uses the p-slur, laughs at your discomfort and continues to do it, claiming it’s fine because they are of mixed race, it’s difficult to know how to respond beyond simply pulling away quietly and hoping it stops.

I didn’t feel safe to speak on it sooner. To be honest, what forced my hand was finding out that I had been doxxed. That was frightening to me, and has very real life consequences. I have since learned that further illegal action has been taken against other users. That’s not something I want to be a part of. No, I can’t excuse racism, and I can’t excuse doxxing and cyberstalking either. If you felt there was a genuine concern for your safety, wouldn’t you want to act on it? Everything that has transpired since is utterly bewildering to me. The level of hatred is atonishing.

I don’t care what happens to me or this blog, if I’m being perfectly honest, but I do care about the feelings of others, and I appreciate that my inaction has hurt people. If your space feels safer without me in it, please feel free to do what you need to do to remedy that.

All I have ever wanted is to write, and to encourage others to contribute towards the community. I genuinely love this fandom and the friends I have made within it, but sometimes when you love stuff you have to let it go. And I am willing to do that if it means people can move on and continue to be creative.

[eratosmusings]

Y'ALL CAN EXCUSE RACISM?

Let's get one thing straight: I have no part in this chaotic mess (infact, I have blocked all the accounts mentioned below), but it's grinding my gears how it's devolving into another petty fanfic drama: case 607. I know this drama is getting the attention for certain individuals who are demonstrating mean girl behaviour and gossiping about other writers behind their backs. However, I am solely focused on addressing the racist and discriminatory remarks made by these individuals in the leaked text messages.

For those not in the loop, there's been a huge drama in the fanfic community involving leaked text messages from a group chat of four prominent members. In these messages, two users - Fae and Bel - have admitted to sending hate anons and talking smack about other writers behind their backs. Two other members left the group after it was revealed that B tried to make amends with someone who these two, Em and Ange, don't particularly care for. As a move to clear their names, Em exposed all the texts, trying to prove that Fae and Bel are the real villains here.

But wait, there's more! In these same chats, Bel not only mocked fellow non-English speakers but also bragged about sending rat emojis to an 18-year-old Pakistani writer who was already receiving racist anons. While everyone is focused on getting back at these two women for being shady af, it's mind-boggling how Em and Ange are suddenly jumping on the anti-racism train.

These two ladies stayed in the same chat as a fellow Pakistani writer was driven away because of racism, knowing full well that one of their own was contributing to it, and said NOTHING! Zero discouragement, no condemnation - they only hopped off when things got personal.

So here it is… I've had it with all of you hypocrites. You praise and encourage these women at every turn, feeding their egos like they're the second coming of Beyonce. But let's not forget who's always stirring up drama in this fandom - hint: it's these same people with a sense of entitlement the size of a planet. The issue is groupthink and y'all have all jumped on the bandwagon. You're worse than HBO's marketing department because just like their shitty teams, everyone involved here SUCKS ASS. You don't have to pick a side because they are all petty, mean losers. Bel and Fae are facing the consequences of their actions, which they rightfully deserve.

However, Em's exposé on Bel's racism seems more like an opportunistic move and it's disappointing that so many of you are supporting it. It's a predictable cycle now; there will be a half-hearted apology, an announcement of a hiatus, and then tons of people will flock to their inboxes to shower them with praise and excuses. It's ridiculous! I know there are many who feel the same way as me but are afraid to speak up because they don't want to upset the "village elders" and risk losing their connections and engagements. It's a joke atp!

Instead of taking responsibility for their own wrongdoings, they will come up with a list of 10 different cyber crimes by others to divert attention from their own nonsense. These very same women have confessed to creating multiple fake accounts, secretly stalking servers without mods noticing, and constantly harassing individuals through anon messages.

Yet, we are supposed to consider them as examples of moral integrity and ethical behavior? 😒

[eratosmusings]

🎶✨when u get this, list 5 songs u like to listen to, publish. then, send this ask to 10 of your favourite followers (positivity is cool)🎶✨

hi Zee 💕

ive had these songs on repeat:

Luminary by Joel Sunny

Narcissus by Paris Paloma

Mientes by Camila

Loser, Baby from Hazbin Hotel

Blood In The Water by Joanna Jones as the Dame

#isksmtms #asks

[eratosmusings]

I’m gonna be offline for the next twelve hours, as I am travelling. I have been notified of more shit flying around, but I do not have time to deal with it.

The things we HAVE said and done we've already apologised for, in public and/or in private. The things we have not... are categorically untrue, and wildly dishonest. That is all that needs to be said at this point. The attempt to 'hit back' is truly embarrassing.

Please reach out to @em-writes-stuff-sometimes if you need any further clarity. I will be online again once I am back in the UK 💕

[eratosmusings]

Trust No One.

@houseofassholes. This one is for you. Enjoy. Hi Bel, Chris, Fae, and Cal! Enjoy! I own my shit. I don't fucking run from it. Unlike you cowards. I will be pursuing legal action from here on out, this will be a matter for the authorities.

Hello,

I bet you all thought you’d seen the last of me, huh? Some of you may remember me as, officerbrowneyes. Yes, that one. Yes, I deactivated. Yes, I am here. No, I will not allow a group of very disturbed women to control my life. I’m not afraid.

First, I would like to start this off by saying, to all those who have been hurt by this group, who have been hurt by the things I have said, I deeply apologize. From the bottom of my heart. I apologize. I am ashamed of how I acted, and I have reached out to those affected privately and apologized for everything, and I wanted to apologize publicly as well. Though I am not at the level that they are, I have been complicit in the ongoing hatred for @em-writes-stuff-sometimes and @ewanmitchellcrumbs. 

In all my years on this earth, I am still regrettably learning that my words have consequences. At my age, I should know better. I do, and I still allowed things to escalate. For that, I deeply apologize. To all those who have been affected by my association with them, I apologize. 

I would like to extend my deepest and most heartfelt gratitude to Em. She has been nothing but kind, loving, and welcoming to someone she could have absolutely kicked to the curb. Rightfully so. Had the tables been turned, I am not sure I would have done the same. This speaks to her character. To put aside a stupid feud that was fueled by the hatred of others, to help someone she saw as an enemy, speaks VOLUMES to her character. 

She has been consistently checking in on me, to make sure I was okay. She has been talking to me everyday since the incident occurred (more on that later), and made sure I was taking care of myself. She is a gem of a human being. Anyone who says differently can kiss my ass. She has shown me more kindness than these women have ever shown anyone. For that I am indebted to her. No words can describe how immensely grateful I am to her. 

She has given me the courage to come on here and say my piece. As well as other friends who I have scorned because of falsehoods I was led to believe for so long. You all have been my saving grace. 

No one deserves more praise than Em, my friend I’ll call Apple, and Sarah. For whom I don’t know where I would be right now. Especially my best friend Sarah (and my real life best friends). She has been my rock. My lifeline. My everything. I love her more than words can express. So thank you, my love. For showing me the meaning of true friendship. 

Now, I did not want to have to do this. I did not want to come out here and air my dirty laundry as well as everyone else’s. I felt I had no choice, given the recent turn of events.  

I had been friends with Bel, well, mutuals you could say, since before any of her scandals. Chris was technically the first person I truly connected with in this fandom. Another person I believed loved and cared about me. I was wrong.

I had gotten closer to Bel over the coming year, after I graduated from college, and saw she was struggling with community labels that had been struck on her stories by a fellow creator here. I showed her some ways to protect her online presence on Tumblr (ironic now considering all I know now), and she was grateful to me and we struck up a conversation. 

We talked here and there and we were friendly with one another. In those months however, I drew closer to Chris as she was very open at the time and seemed to take a genuine interest in getting to know me. I was excited by the idea of making friends in this new fandom (I hadn’t really gotten into HOTD since it aired but got more interested the more clips I had seen on Tumblr). 

Things went better than expected. I started to make more friends here, and my tiny circle was slowly growing. I didn’t have a great understanding of everything that happened between Bel, Chris and everyone, but I knew OF it, as she had given me the cliff notes version of it. I took her at her word because why would any of them lie to me. Right? 

However, I will say Chris and Bel never made me feel as though I had to “choose a side” to be their friend, which I will give them that. I never felt obligated to pick one over the other. Though it was contentious and albeit a bit awkward at times. For the most part, it was fine.

Fast forward to “anal gate” which is still the stupidest thing next to “bimbo gate” to have ever graced this dreaded part of the internet. I woke up one day and the internet exploded. I was again given the cliff notes. However, through my own investigation, I had found out that someone, let’s continue to call them Apple, was the one being vague posted about, and then later on was told it was about a “Gotham fanfic on AO3”, another crock of shit I was fed. 

As someone who had a minor insight into the fall out between Ange, Bel, Chris, etc. I offered advice to all parties involved. I wanted to help as I thought maybe there could be a reconciliation down the line. It was also, dumb as hell and petty as hell. It was one of the many instances of Bel tearing others down to lift herself up. A pattern you will soon come to find.

I mentioned that I found her behavior unbecoming and that it was a “mean girl” mentality. I suggested ways to air out her frustrations through her notes app, Google Docs, etc. as posting on her blog brought unnecessary hatred to others. She agreed and thanked me for my help. I noticed a shift in her behavior after that. Whether she was scared of more backlash or not, who’s to say.

I thought I had seen a shift in her behavior. She was reblogging smaller creators, being more open, becoming silly on her blog, and showcasing what I thought was a genuine side of herself. I commended her on her improvement. I was so proud of her at the time. I felt like a big sister watching someone mature. 

We got closer and closer as did Chris and I. We got embroiled in a debacle of our own down the line, of which I will not discuss here as I’m not sure any of that was truthful either. I grew even closer to both Bel and Chris as a result of this.

I will say, Bel seemed genuinely concerned for my well being and spent hours talking to me after a depressive episode. I felt heard and validated. 

Fast forward I met my now best friend Sarah. I helped her gain her footing from being a quiet lurker to a writer on the platform. We have had our ups and downs, we’ve gotten into arguments, we’ve let people get in our ears, but we remained joined at the hip. I have since apologized for the things I said out of anger and the catty responses to things she had done or said. She knows it all, and still chose to stay my friend. We have our theories about that, but I will not get into that now. It’s between Sarah and I and those we choose to speak about this with.

Anyways, a few instances on Tumblr happened within the Michael Gavey realm that left a sour taste in my mouth, but it never really affected me as I was a casual writer and didn’t really get the uproar people had over it. I digress. Bimbo gate. A debacle I was informed of as Chris had mentioned to me while I was away from my phone. I saw Bel’s post and then asked her if she was okay, as she seemed gutted by the turn of events. 

She revealed to me that she was upset by the statements Ange made (now in retrospect she and the other person involved were allowed to have) and I agreed with her at the time, as I had tunnel vision and believed Ange was out to hurt her friend. Bel too believed this was deliberate and a final blow to their friendship and believed this was Ange putting the final nail in the coffin to rid herself of Bel. I offered my condolences and Chris and I, as well as the others in our friendly group chat, offered to let her join so she could feel some sense of camaraderie as she felt alone. 

Chris and Bel had managed to bury the hatchet (I don’t care how up my own ass this sounds, but I facilitated their reunion as Bel had no intention of reuniting with Chris) and were coming together over their shared enemy/enemies.

Soon a few others joined in. A good friend of mine being one of them, who was spoon fed lies as well, about the incident so as to turn her ire towards Ange.

Before I continue, I should note, this is from my memory, as I do not wish to include many screenshots in this. I feel the ones released have sufficed and there is no need for me to share my own. Take what I say and have said with a pinch of salt and draw your own conclusions. I am not here to slander anyone, but I WILL clear my name. As I have learned more and more, I feel the need to speak up and speak my truth. I have lost friends (outside of this core group) because of the slander and vitriol that has been spewed.

You will NOT lie on my name. I will be damned if I let anyone lie on my name.

You do not have to block anyone on my behalf, you do not have to unfollow these people. Make your own choices. Do not let me decide for you. I was just fed up with the lies and needed to say something. This has gone on for far too long, despite what others might lead you to believe.

Now, continuing from where I left off, things went well. However, from the jump, the group chat began with shitting on Ange mostly. I partook in that as well based on an interaction I’d had with her that she more than likely doesn’t remember, and honestly I don’t care to hold onto the anger over that anymore as it was silly and pointless.

However, I tried my best to allow those to air their grievances but I put up boundaries in MY group chat. It was mine and I had limited what could be discussed. I refused to allow photos to be shared and the ones that were shared I asked to be taken down as these people did not consent to their pictures being shown. My requests were obeyed and for the most part it wasn’t as scandalous as the next one I was part of. More on that later. 

We had bonded over a lot (not just our “common enemy” which is so stupid looking back and a shit foundation for a friendship). We would laugh about silly videos, memes, share ideas, talk about school work, life, etc. Any time someone had something that was negative to say I’d try and keep it to a minimum and introduce “palate cleansers” and we would share a funny video, meme, or something about a celeb or ourselves. 

It was great. Until some things began to unravel. I won’t get into it, as it’s between Sarah and I, but I believed she was “ignoring me” and I felt that, well, no one was really speaking with me (I know why now) and so I made the decision to leave the chat. A mistake I still regret as I had more control over that situation and perhaps, maybe, it wouldn’t have devolved into something so nasty and repulsive.

I talked everything out with everyone involved and I was planning on staying away from group chats for a while. Things between Sarah and I were still fresh and I wanted to keep our interactions to DM’s only as I felt (and now know why things were different between her and I in group settings; again that’s between her and I) that our friendship was too precious to me and I wanted to keep it to strictly the two of us and it worked better that way.

There is again, more we have discussed behind the scenes but that’s between her and I. 

However, Bel (or me I can’t remember, I believe it was Bel) had asked if I wanted to be in another group chat. I relented and said, okay but we can invite Sarah when I’m ready if we go down that route, as we had just gotten out of that disagreement and it was still too fresh. Bel said okay, and created the group chat. Soon Cal and Fae joined. I don’t exactly remember how that happened so please excuse me if I don’t get into that. I’m honestly still frazzled from everything and so some of it I don’t remember.

It was nice in the beginning. Cal and I had gotten closer, and I was getting to know Fae, who quite frankly scared me for a long time as I had heard things about her that were…questionable.

Fast forward, the chat moved quickly and I have college so, a lot of the time I was jumping in late. There would sometimes be over 500+ messages when I would have the time to long on.

I noticed a pattern popping up. The nastiness slowly creeping back in. The catty mean girl behavior that I had a handle on in my other group chats, and put a limit to what was being said, was not at my disposal anymore. Now, it was getting into very lowbrow and quite honestly bullying behavior. 

I will make this clear. I am not absolved of this. I have said things I am not proud of. I am complicit as well. I take full ownership over the things I have said as they were mean and beneath me and who I am as a person. I knew better and still chose to act in a way that was unbecoming of me. I want to reiterate, I have apologized to the individuals I have hurt and explained each and everything I said to them, as this group enjoys weaponizing past conversations to bring people down when their deplorable behavior is called out. I refuse to be black mailed by a group of despicable women who stoop so low as to do something like that.

However, I tried my best not to partake in things such as just going after people’s looks and personal things. I tried. Or I would say something to divert it away from someone’s appearance or just leave the chat and put my phone away completely.

There were things said and done that I still am shocked over. At the time again, when it got into…creepy territory I was usually offline (how interesting that it most usually wasn’t when I was online). I would come back to again, a gaggle of messages and I would be scrolling for sometimes over ten minutes going over everything.

It was starting to bring me down negatively. The constant stalking of people’s blogs and screenshotting their posts, making fun of other creators, the fucking downright nasty comments; it took a toll on my mental health.

I had been in touch with my therapist and I even discussed it with her. She suggested I put up strong boundaries and remove myself if I felt this was a toxic situation. It was.

I had been in and out of the chat for a few days; no one really noticed and the trashing continued sans my presence.

The day I decided to leave I had been talking to Sarah who suggested I tell them first before leaving. I told her no, I don’t have to! They’re my friends! I’ll talk to them when I’m ready and they’ll understand! Wrong. So, so, so, wrong.

For context: the day before, my sister's fiance who is in law enforcement was in a shootout/stabbing situation that he was not allowed to discuss until days after I left the chat. He was having a mental health crisis the night before and neither my sister nor him could discuss it. My grades were not where I wanted them to be as I have been dealing with multiple double ear infections, and found out I’d have to have surgery (again) on them, and frankly I was tired of it all.

I made the decision to leave. I left every group chat I was in (even dead ones) as I needed to focus on my studies and buckle down. I was in a heightened state of emotions and needed out.

I signed out of Discord (I didn’t want to talk to ANYONE as I was in a depressive episode and anxiety attack) and just went about my day, talking to my mom and helping her around the house and with stuff she needed. I was also in a severe amount of pain from my ear infections, and my asthma was triggered as well because of all the post nasal drip. I slept off and on in between assisting my Mom, doing school work, and being in pain/a depressive episode.

I tried to log back into Discord after I woke up from a fever induced nap, and forgot I had changed my password a long time ago and forgot to put it down.

I tried logging in for over an hour, and it would either glitch, or tell me I exceeded my logins. I had to wait and then finally reset my password. However, once that was done, I had errands to run with my fiance that night and barely had time to look at my phone. 

At that time, Chris had texted me (for privacy reasons I will not release those texts, but if my hand is twisted, I will have no choice, though they don’t say anything different than what I will be explaining). I was in the car when she was texting me asking if I was okay and why I left the chat. I told her that I just wasn’t feeling well, I was busy, stressed, a myriad of other things. I also said, now this isn’t verbatim, so I’m going off of my memory, but I believe I said something akin to “And honestly I’m fucking sick and tired of the mean girl shit to be honest. I couldn’t handle them constantly shitting on Ange and Em every fucking day. I was getting emotionally exhausted”. A back and forth ensued in which she told me they “deserved to know ahead of time”, which is ironic considering she was upset when the same was asked of her when she left the HOTD server without warning and deleted her blog, but I digress.

I told her I don’t “owe anyone anything”. That was my boundary. That was my limit. I didn’t feel I owed it to anyone to explain myself. Mind you, I thought that answer would suffice. It didn’t. I explained that I didn’t answer because I needed time to myself. I have already mentioned this to her before and everyone else, I isolate when I need to think about things and before I approach someone with an issue that I have. That is my boundary, as I know myself and I know when I speak when I’m angry, it doesn’t end well. I end up lashing out and saying things out of anger. I am working on it. I am talking to my therapist about it and dealing with this with her.

Again, Chris pushed back and told me that “everyone was confused and deserved to know why”. I said, I would talk to them individually, and when I was ready. That answer wasn’t good enough for her. She continued to push me and demand that I tell them. I said no. So she threatened me and said “well if you don’t tell them, then I will” . I said, no you will not. You do not have that right. I want to talk to them when I’m good and ready. This continued until I got to the store and even as I entered the store. I was crying and sending her voice notes, just asking her to please let me tell them myself. She didn’t answer for a while, and we ended up having to go to another store.

At this other store, we were still “talking”. More like, her demanding I tell them and not allowing me to. So, finally I told one of them but they were sleeping at that time and I will admit, I snottily replied “I told so and so, are you happy? I will tell the others when I’m ready.”. I will admit, I was fucking fed up with her at this point. I was tired of her telling me what to do and demanding an answer. I was walking around the store when I saw my texts and saw her message stating something along the lines of “I told them what you said, you can be mad at me all you want, I don’t care. I think we should go our separate ways now 😔”. AGAIN, this is verbatim, I’m not about to stretch out the picture limit by sharing the screenshots of this pointless conversation.

I will not lie, I broke down crying in the store. I had every intention of talking to them when I wasn’t in a heightened state of emotions. I was crying so badly, my fiance had to take me back to the car because I was crying and causing a scene. I sent her a series of messages chewing her out because I was beyond angry. My trust was broken. When we got home, everyone had unfollowed me. Excuse me, nearly everyone. I texted Bel stating “if you don’t want to be my friend anymore either than please tell me now”. No answer. No one was fucking listening to me. No one would talk to me. I was beyond distraught.

I then find out hours later through Sarah that Cal had told her I went on a “psychopathic rant” and had a “meltdown”. I got upset and messaged Chris through text and told her “Now everyone thinks I’m a psychopath and hates me. Thanks a lot Chris. Thanks.” I sent the same thing on Tumblr as I wasn’t sure where I was blocked. She messaged me back saying no one hated me. Okay, then why did everyone unfollow me with a quickness? No one hated me, but no one cared to speak to me either. They had no intention of doing so is my best guess.

I messaged Bel again out of frustration and said “Are you fucking serious? Everyone is unfollowing me because I called you all fucking catty? This is fucking ridiculous.” something along those lines. No answer, but she was posting as if nothing was wrong as was everyone else. I was angry, I was fucking hurting, and I couldn’t understand why people I thought were my friends were icing me out.

I unfollowed everyone else that was left, because if they all wanted to reach out to me they had several other avenues to do so. Chris messaged me back and told me to talk on Discord. I said okay. This went nowhere. Another round about conversation with no end. It wasn’t until I snapped and told her that I had lost my login info that she relented somewhat. I told her I should HAVE TO tell her that in order to have a boundary I put down, respected. I was called a “bad friend, bad communicator, and immature”. At that point the fight in me was gone. I was just fucking tired of talking in circles. We went our separate ways, and I unfollowed everyone on Tumblr. 

Days went by, no one reached out to hear my side of the story. No one. I felt fucking alone. I felt shunned and cast aside. So, I reached out to Sarah and asked her if she could get into contact with Martha who was also treated in a similar manner as me. Conveniently also because of Bel bringing up shit from the past and weaponizing it, to turn everyone against her. 

Martha and I spoke for a while and then we realized a lot of things weren’t making sense. A lot of lies we were both fed were making sense. Pieces that didn’t fit, suddenly made sense.

Martha reached out to Em with the things I said. Martha already apologized to me for going to Em without asking me first. I have since forgiven her because this would have never come to light without her. After the first screenshots were posted, a friend reached out and asked if Chris could talk to me. I said sure. I was getting my hair done at the time and hadn’t the slightest clue what transpired when I was gone. To be honest, with the way I was treated, I didn’t care until I saw how nasty the things said about Chris were. 

We talked and we admitted we said and did things we didn’t mean. We acted out of pocket and apologized. I told her I didn’t like how she came for Ange’s appearance and I mentioned this multiple times as she said “I would never say something about another person’s appearance” though she has. We agreed we fucked up. I felt guilty about something I said, that I won’t repeat (it was honestly stupid and I said it as a joke and didn’t even mean it at the time). I was TRULY, TRULY, sorry for what I said. I apologized and she said she forgave me but needed time. I said, it’s okay if you don’t forgive me right away. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Or something like that.

I woke up and found out I was blocked on everything. No explanation, nothing. I was confused beyond all reason. I found that Cal wanted to be my friend on Discord again, and I honestly had a sinking feeling. Sarah stood up for her and insisted that Cal wouldn’t want to get involved. She insisted I befriend her again (I don’t hold Sarah responsible for this at all). I did.

What happened next….I can only show in screenshots.

I have never cried so hard in such a long time. I was fucking broken. I’m not going to lie, and I was embarrassed to say this at the time….I was fucking suicidal. This fucking triggered me so badly, I thought I was going to have to go to the psych ward because I didn’t trust myself.

Sarah was checking in on me periodically because of how scared she was. I will never be able to repay her for that. She is truly my fucking angel sent from heaven, and I love that woman more than words can express.

I was bullied all throughout pre-k to middle school. I have been called racist names, I have been told to kill myself, I have been told I didn’t deserve to be here. This brought all of those feelings back. Maybe that makes me stupid, maybe that makes me sensitive, I don’t know. But, reading all of that almost had me vomiting because I was so upset. At that point, I had nothing left to lose and I reached out to Em. Best decision I ever made.

Em has proven this is a pattern of behavior and that this a cycle with no end in sight. I literally nuked everything because they made me want to die. I felt like 12 year old me again, being told that I was a “stupid Hispanic monkey that should fucking die”. I was fucking triggered and beyond depressed.

Through this, Em, me, and many others have come together to dismantle the fucking lies we were told. I found out Bel & Co went to Laura and told them I “convinced them to leave their tiny server”. LIES. THEY did. They convinced me it was “weird” and “sneaky”. They told her that one of my fucking best friends told Bel (whom she hasn’t fucking spoken to in DM’s ever) that I “trauma dumped on her”. LIES. No she fucking didn’t and she’s proven that already to me. When she asked for proof for what I said, they refused to show it.

[ Edit: Also, I apparently “manipulated everyone”. That’s funny considering the only person I spoke to was Martha and Sarah who were just concerned for my well being and wanted to help me. I didn’t ask Martha to talk to Em, and once again, I’m not sorry she did. I’m not the fucking master manipulator here. If you would like to know who the grand architect is, look amongst your little group of friends and you’ll find her. It sure as shit ain’t me. Oh and a few people I let know I had a separate account because I didn’t want to be on my old account where I had lost all of who I thought were my “friends”. ]

She wouldn’t fucking talk to me, because of the fucking lies you all spewed. I don’t want to hear how fucking “sorry” you all are. I don’t want to hear about how you “aren’t that person anymore”. Up until last week you all were these fucking people. Stop fucking lying. Stop fucking manipulating, STOP. We are all so fucking tired. We are tired of feeling like we have no fucking safe place anymore because we don’t even know who to fucking trust anymore. We are sick and tired of all of you bullying us into submission and manipulating everyone like they’re fucking puppets for you to use and abuse. WE ARE DONE.

Don’t fucking act like we are the villains when you all did this. You did this to your fucking selves. If you were sorry you wouldn’t be messaging Ange and others on fucking sock accounts trying “expose” me and others. You don’t want to go down that route. I promise you, you don’t. I owned my fucking shit. I can own that I was a rotten person in the group chat at times. I can say that with my whole chest. 

I was a rotten friend at times. I let the mean girl attitude rub off on me because for once, I felt like I had a real group of people I could trust. This just showed me that I can’t trust anyone. I’m not going to be as open as I used to be. I’m not going to be as friendly as I once was. I’m not going to be as engaging as I used to be. You all fucking broke me.

I will also be seeing what legal options are available to ensure that my safety is protected, as I do not trust anyone anymore. I can’t be myself on here. I’m going to have my guard all the way up from here on out. Maybe I should have before. Maybe this is my fault. But, congratulations. You fucking destroyed me. I hope you’re all happy.

Also, for an added bonus here are some screenshots of Bel telling her friends about my main account that I asked her to keep private and she didn’t and shared it with her friends. Also, sharing a post where I was upset over the loss of a friend and showing her excitement over the drama. Sick. Fucking sick.

As the Michael Gavey Queen of Character Ai, I hereby denounce any association with you. Fuck you all. Leave us alone, and pretend we’re fucking dead to each other. You no longer exist to me. I don’t care what happens to any of you anymore. You’re fucking dead to me and I want it to stay that way. Don’t ever reach out to me. Don’t look for me. I don’t want your shit fucking apology. Take it and shove it right up your assholes. No one believes any of you anymore. You’re not sorry. You’re sorry you’ve been found out.