epiphanyintheelevator

[epiphanyintheelevator]

perfection is not your spouses role

people are not above disappointments, mistakes, weaknesses, bad habits, bad judgement

you can’t put that role on them because it is a burden. They are not perfect, they are not your savior, they are not above fallen human nature/tendencies.

Am I actively loving my spouse/SO by doing that? by putting that impossible standard or bar on them? No. You have to train your flesh to be more empathetic, have more grace, be more understanding. Love is not about ego. It goes against the sinful pull towards selfish feelings of what you want.

[epiphanyintheelevator]

things S has done that I am grateful for

pushing me to text people from church encouraging me to read the Word/devotional Showing that he’s thinking of me by telling me, giving me flowers, chocolates listening to me and remembering what I say putting in effort to enact the things i ask him to work on anticipating things in a mature way working behind the scenes to do thoughtful things explaining what his mom meant by her Christian neighbor anecdote  enjoying time with me teaching me in a sweet way touching me in a loving way having good discussions with me, coming up with questions

[epiphanyintheelevator]

all things considered

ive come pretty far. and im still progressing. im learning from my mistakes and trying to put into action what ive learned. trying to act out the wisdom ive acquired 

[epiphanyintheelevator]

im gonna try to write on here more so here’s a post

i was drunk during chevelle and my memories are VERY blurry lol janelle and I go out with 2 random guys, we sing karaoke, go to “elbow room” and then Mel’s diner, ditch them at hotel elevator

this was a draft in me emails at work about moving to concord: “Plus1 Meet new people2 Get involved in a new church3 Get involved in bouldering (with k and l)4 Go hiking at all the outdoor areas5 Learn about things to do in concord, pleasant hill, walnut creek, etc.6 Concord pavilion7 Concord mall8 Drive-in theatre9 Multiple movie theatres10 Roomie dinner nights11 Evangelize to L and K 12 Independent finances      minus1 no endless cable 2 no nice tvs3 not as much room4 not with parents5 not with Georgie6 spending more money7 private yard, pool8 Noise- guitar?9 commuting to work 10 getting up earlier”

so far concord is nice, im learning and reading more about the bible, but now i just need to find a church i can join and meet people my age.

i wanna see the 1975 at the end of the month easter is this week, i get friday off REMIND ME TO WRITE ABOUT NOLA, MOVING, GOALS, ETC.

[epiphanyintheelevator]

more good and very very bad

last time i wrote the good and bad about this year it was before Evan died.

that is the worst thing to happen this year hands down honestly. it is so tragic. i think my breakup was meant to be for a reason and its just tougher to find a good reason for Evan to leave. it really is. i feel for his family so much and it just makes you think you know. but i know that God is constantly in control and that he is always Good. 

and another example of His goodness is that I got hired on permanently at work and got a raise. i mean COMMON i love my job and i love that God brought me to it. 

i may move in with kelsey, but that’s if i can get my car situated. its on the fritz. it just won’t start sometimes and if im going to be commuting from concord or some place like that i will need reliable transportation. maybe that’ll work out. it’ll give me a lifestyle back and a change of scenery.

[epiphanyintheelevator]

2016 the year of the ugh

anyway this post is not about 2016, that’ll be coming later.

i had the thought, that seeps into my brain sometimes. sometimes i wish i could go around disguised. without ID, maybe even androgynous (in the sense that my gender wasn’t immediately obvious)  ride a bad ass motorcycle with a bad ass helmet. sometimes i think im getting too old fast and i think to myself, wow i miss the days where i could get away with being immature, being a punk rebel lol being some quirky teen who’s different and edgy and artsy lol idk all these thoughts are dumb but they keep coming up

i also think about how i miss the dynamic and atmosphere of being in a class learning with peers. learning something together that we all have a common want to learn. i think maybe i will go back to school someday for meteorology or film. idk, then the pragmatist in me is like, just do that on your own!! but idk, life man. the years keep coming and they don’t stop coming!! life moves so fast and ugh i hate the feeling of becoming old i really wish that i had no age labeled to me. it fucking hurts my little brain.

[epiphanyintheelevator]

overview:

2016 Positives:

Started in Denver Kelsey’s 21st Birthday Vegas trip! Staying in Cesaer’s Palace, VIP treatment, Omnia, first time! To Arizona -Phoenix -Grand Canyon -Giant’s spring training -Botanical Garden -Pretty hike Back to Vegas for a night (first In n Out in months!) To Grandma’s in Clovis, HELLO again CALI New Job!! Rachel’s Venice Beach Air BnB trip -Horse racing -seeing the ocean again -fancy dinner -firehouse pancake breakfast Gambling/casino with Kelsey, parents and Povey’s 2 week’s alone with Porkie Pokemon Go * Dashboard Confessional, Taking Back Sunday, Saosin *Dave Matthew’s * Weezer, Panic! At the Disco, Andrew McMahon, Phantogram, The Struts New Chevelle CD out Yosemite Reunion - 2 days in the park - brewery dinner with interns - breakfast with interns *Lera Lynn Oct 8th hangs with my girlies The Buckley’s get married in Capay Valley Chicoween Future: Thanksgiving, Tawni coming home, Christmas, Animal Shelter volunteer

Got to see: IZZY, DESI, BELLA, STEVEN, RACHEL, EMMA, DEREK AND KELSEY, KELSEY NELSON, NICOLE, LUIS, RICKY, CRISTIEN, MALIA, JANELLE, ANTHONY, ROGERS, GRANDMA AND GRANDPA, JEN, ERIN, RHEANNA, AMANDA AND JOSH, ANDY QUATAMI, JOSH MARUD, KYLIE, KAILEY GRUNDY.

2017: Want to see Chevelle in January Want to see Circa Survive in February Have to see The 1975 and Tame Impala in concert.

Bad/Sad things about 2016:

Kitty poo death Dumped No Europe trip stupid election avocado shortage 2 spiders in room Sleeping in the car in Chico

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[epiphanyintheelevator]

he’s gotta know

every since the craigslist ad since unfriending his gf  since trying to log into his snapchat and now his facebook... i need to stop so he doesn’t feel so special, dumbass

#stupid fucker

[epiphanyintheelevator]

vegas

i just remembered that when he made the excuse of money being the reason he didn’t want to go to vegas, that i offered to pay for his ticket/hotel/etc.

im a nice fucking person

i just wanted to spend time with him and he just wanted to get away from me

[epiphanyintheelevator]

surreal

sometimes when i go back and reread some of these entries,

i cannot believe that this is my life i’m reading about.

[epiphanyintheelevator]

i just can’t help but think

why did he do it on a weekend when he knew my housemates would be gone? was it to give me privacy? was it actually as planned as i think or am i overthinking the timing completely? its possible that he chose that weekend so i would be bound to my responsibilities and had to stay. did he think i would leave? i fee like he thought it was guaranteed that i would stay in the state at least lol

the privacy thing is hard to believe bc he HAD to know that Z would be over to watch the dog... 

what was the reaction when he found out i was NEVER coming back?

he tried to start a convo by saying something about the car keys, but my response ended up being cold and distant but can you blame me?? you had your chance, i tried to help you so much and you just spit it all back in my face. i told you what to say, i gave you multiple chances to really genuinely show your remorse, love for me but it was all half-assed and THEN you turned it around on me and blamed me for telling my family you had substance abuse problems and got mad at me. told me to make my own decisions, stop being controlled by my parents. told me its you or them. that i had to pick like i was ever going to pick you over them, you fucking moron. oh, you didn’t talk to your parents for 2 years? is that how you punished them for trying to help you? trying to get you to own up to your own shit and be a man for once? such a pouty baby, and you call ME immature...

you’re kidding yourself. and now you’re dating an alcoholic trying to stay clean, lol how is that gonna work out for you huh? get your shit together or you could bring someone down with you, someone you claim to “love” when you only knew each other for 2 weeks. PLEASE. give me a break. you wouldn’t know love if it came and slapped you in the face. you are a sad human being and the only feelings i have towards you are pity and disgust. M texted my about watching the dogs again the other day. L O fucking L

if only they knew why i wasn’t in the state anymore.

[epiphanyintheelevator]

lesson

listen to your friends warnings. concerns. don’t shrug them off as pettiness, jealousy, misunderstandings, etc. 

Especially when its more than one person, multiple sources who are worried. Heed these warnings.

[epiphanyintheelevator]

chronological

w2016:

(dec 2015) hired as a supervisor; first big girl job... $17/hr jan: vegas for friends 21st. without SO. seems odd right? you let your fiance go to VEGAS alone... uses money as the excuse, then buys over $200 worth of electronics online. fun was had. fuck him, i stayed so faithful throughout. i shewed every guy that came up to me in the club, on the dance floor, flashed my ring. held out, even wanted to marry him impulsively. maybe it was best he didn’t come. im fucking hot. he’s an asshole.

Feb: lol FIRED. shocked. out of nowhere. betrayed, hurt, felt like a let down, so sad, distraught, stressed, have to go through the job search AGAIN. new place, new state, new city, people in CO are WEIRD. i hated most of them. i was managing GROWN MEN who acted like CHILDREN. petty fights, ghetto fights, DUMB subordinates who couldn’t do simple tasks like remembering to give customers their CAR KEYS back... couldn’t have them come in to pay for a car wash, so i get in trouble, responsibility is a joke. no experience, no training, out there swimming in a black ocean with no life vest. GM leaves, AGM, is overworked and can’t train for her life. thought i was generally liked and appreciated. i worked 6/7 days a week. i stayed late. i helped train. it was FREEZING. i went to work in BLIZZARDS. i scraped ice off my car. it took me over an hour to get less than 15 miles home. i took the toll roads to avoid being late. hundreds of dollars wasted. i was doing the best i could. i would go into work at 4am. i didn’t deserve to be fired. what a weird 6 weeks within an even weirder 5 months.

job search continues and i find a good job... a salary job. a big girl job im actually cut out for. i can be really good at this job. finding other people jobs. lol learn lessons about how people really aren’t who they come off as during first impressions. people are liars. people don’t think they will be caught. bosses are frantic and cold. coworker katie is nice and innocent and sweet and i liked her and i wish we could’ve been good friends. she invites me and SO out to do fun stuff in the city. SO IS A SLUG who just never wants to do anything and then accuses me of not initiating activities. this sounds Bitchy and emotionless but i feel he really used his anxiety as such a fucking big excuse. really played it up. idk. how was i supposed to feel when he used this crutch against me and i felt so alone and helpless. that’s a whole other topic.

this was the last month of any ‘normalcy’.

March: dog-sitting. 5am wake ups in snowstorms. checking to see if dogs are ok. big dogs. clumsy big dogs. but i made an effort. i had my responsibilities and i took care of them. get up 530am feed and let dogs out. 6 get ready for work 7 leave to beat the traffic. 8-5 work. go see dogs after. want to hang out with SO but he would be drunk and/or passed out by 745. cool. maybe an hour or two to spend any time with him. its like he didn’t even want to spend time with me anymore. fights upon fights. drinking and more drinking. anxiety-inducing talks with him. no budging. resentment. refusal. medication. promises. drinking on anti-anxiety medication. smoking. come smoke with me; then im aiding the problem. i wont be my grandmother. complains of her chainsmoking husband then buys him his carton of cigarettes at the grocery store...

March 25th: after week of fighting; i offer to go see his favorite superhero in theatres. he says hes tired but that we should talk. i wholeheartedly agree. work, go see dogs, about to walk into his dorm room. fleeting moment of “oh shit this is a breakup” talk. pray it away. awkward conversing. blur of a breakup. so many things said, feelings: used, betrayed, feel like trash that he crumpled up and threw away. was it deep for you?? was any of it real? this is the answer? i thought we could get through this. was it not worth it to try after soooo long apart.. we were FINALLY together after 14 months apart... these were HIS problems. he didn’t want to fix and i couldn’t do anything about that. “you just want to grow old with your alcohol?” how could anyone want that life? he threw me away and picked up a bottle. this man child ignored me and chose his addictions over me. his fiance. who he asked to marry him. we were gonna have a fall wedding. i already sent out half of the invitations. i spent time and money on those. we took pictures, WHY? he said he had been feeling like this for 6 WEEKS. without telling me. i was deep in the dark. i was blinding by love, by lies, by naivete. 

he was my first for everything and i gave myself to him with no contingencies. i will never sell myself short like that ever again.

people are not who YOU think they are. They are only what they let others see. and then maybe you will then see behind the curtain and realize how completely wrong you were. you can’t assume the good in all. when people jokingly tell you “im an asshole, im a bad person”, its not a joke. i realize that now. he was such an idiot, such a selfish person, such a... bad person. he doesn’t know how to love. how could he? i hardly knew the real him. and the things i finally got him to admit, i let slide bc of my inexperience, bc i made excuses for him. gave him the benefit of the doubt. but no. never again. people make mistakes, but there are some things that are more than mistakes. and that should really point out who they are at the core.

[epiphanyintheelevator]

go away

I still get some fleeting anxiety from the situation, but its really not as bad as it used to be. Im annoyed that I still have to even think about him, after almost 6 months… but the bad feelings are less. There is so much I want to write about it… I want to write everything down and never forget any of it. It was the hardest lesson ive ever had to learn, thus far. I want to remember every shitty thing he ever did to me, so when times come up where I somehow seem to miss him, or what we had, or whatever that relationship was, I can confirm that leaving him was the absolute best thing for me to do. I know that’s true. I just need reminders sometimes. The heart is a strong thing, it’s a bully. It controls our thoughts, our desires. Even if they are irrational and don’t make sense.

[epiphanyintheelevator]

breath of fresh air

mom asked me if i ever felt intimidated by him because he is an older guy and all

initially yes, maybe a little.

now, no. not so much. but deep down, there is that feeling of insecurity, having to trust someone with more years of knowledge and life experience 

will they try to pull a fast one on me? am i playing with fire? do they see me as someone they can bait...someone easy to have the wool pulled over their eyes?

i do think though that our own insecurities are unconsciously cast on to our SO's because we see ourselves being vulnerable to them and therefore suspect  and almost expect them to be found doing those activities. i have indeed identified that as a weakness in myself. whether it came to lying, porn, etc. 

first step of solving a problem is identifying that problem. that's been accomplished...

i do love him so. it almost scares me i could actually love someone more than practically anything. i never ever thought i was capable. its a gift really. i feel so blessed to just have the opportunity to love and be loved in such a capacity. bc love is so pure and innocent and there are no selfish motives really. it is a breath of fresh air.