enby-bitch-boy

[enby-bitch-boy]

obsessed with Men. honestly.

[enby-bitch-boy]

I'm so weird & you want me so bad.

[enby-bitch-boy]

have you ever considered just moving on?

hell no bitch!!!!!

[enby-bitch-boy]

Most of the time I'm fine but occasionally I'll just be sitting here wondering why I can't be happy. It's not like it would really even take all that much but it just feels like it's right out of reach. I know that this is mostly likely just a prolonged slump and I'll be fine in awhile. But I just feel so isolated and lonely and it's sorta eating me up inside. Had a conversation about how it's hard to talk because I don't want to be a burden and past relationships have fucked up my ability to see wanting support as something that isn't horrible of me to want. But I still don't want to burden him and I feel bad for that. I wish I could tell him everything but there's just some things I'm unable to talk about. And it sucks so much. Like I don't even feel like I'm a person anymore and I know it's because I'm not regularly around people like I used to be. I just wish it was different and I feel like I can't change any of it. I'm just stuck here like this.

#posting drafts #vent

[enby-bitch-boy]

It's not the kind of stuff I'm normally talking about here but I've just been having a time of it lately. A friend told me he doesn't want to see me suffering when I was talking about how my body does lots of silly things that end up hurting me because that's just how it is. And like I know I'm disabled because of it but I i still push back against that a lot because of a bunch of internalized bullshit. But it's just so hard because I feel like I can't do anything about it, going and talking to doctors doesn't feel like it would help in any real way. Maybe I'd get some braces or something for my knees but realistically nothing would happen. Like I don't get to get better, my options are stagnation or getting worse. It just sucks because I feel like there's nothing to be done, I am scared of the potential of endless doctors visits and getting no answers and just thrown around place to place in hopes of maybe getting something figured out. But standing and doing simple tasks shouldn't hurt and leave me exhausted. But that's where I'm at right now.

#posting drafts

[enby-bitch-boy]

My mind was wandering away and I wasn't really paying any attention to it until I got slapped with the fact my last two partners would've loved me more as a girl. One I have the actual proof of by basis of having still experienced some feminine genders (my fluidity has changed into masc/neutral only since then) and she treated me with five times the care and attention when I said it was a she/her kinda day. The other I don't have real proof for but they only ever thirsted after girls and never me so assumably if I was not a guy they would've liked me more.

#posting drafts

[enby-bitch-boy]

Sorry I can’t hang out tonight I’m yearning

[enby-bitch-boy]

“It's taboo to admit that you're lonely. You can make jokes about it, of course. You can tell people that you spend most of your time with Netflix or that you haven't left the house today and you might not even go outside tomorrow. But rarely do you ever tell people about the true depths of your loneliness, about how you feel more and more alienated from your friends each passing day and you're not sure how to fix it. It seems like everyone is just better at living than you are. A part of you knew this was going to happen. Growing up, you just had this feeling that you wouldn't transition well to adult life, that you'd fall right through the cracks. And look at you now, it's happening.”

[enby-bitch-boy]

I had a stray thought that I might build into something more poetic later but for now I get to sit with "I was the best thing that ever happened to them and they were one of the worst things to happen to me."

#posting drafts #I never did more with this #it's just been haunting my drafts since early December #I'm setting it free now

[enby-bitch-boy]

Some really funny stuff occured during a conversation with my friend about a text I had gotten out of nowhere. Throwing a break here just because.

So I fucking laugh at this situation because what else am I to do? This is someone that forefitted their right to care about me at all. My friend who was getting the rundown as it happened at first thought it could be an attempt at manipulation, but as we kept talking about other things that had happened (like the cheating on me with an ex that they had dumped. How whenever they had people over it was radio silence and I was lucky to get like three texts total over the course of the whole week their friend was there (that they were in love with and had dated before). The fact they admitted to having to set alarms to remember to talk to me for the next visit. Constantly cancelling plans on me just to go hang out with other people instead) he switched to no I think this person is literally just that fucking stupid and oblivious. He also looked it up and apparently there was a building collapse neither of us had heard about at all so the claim of having seen it passively online while living literally on the other side of the US from me seems a little off.

First off my phone just displayed the number for the call but gave it an icon with the letter F the way is does for my contacts which I have named but no picture for. So I'm already confused. It's an area code I don't recognize offhand. And then the actual text is along the lines of you can ignore this but I saw something labeled with mass casualty happened in a nearby city and got worried about you. My confusion grows because it was a nearby city to me. So I open it up and somehow it remembered the name I had for this contact back when we were together but I had since deleted it because they dumped me after having proposed to me and they cheated on me and a whole bunch of other shit and mistreatment of me. There was just so much shit that happened.

And it's just so funny because I've already been having a shit time lately because I keep seeing shit that reminds me that around this time last year was the first and only time we ever got to spend time in person, and during that visit they got down on one knee and proposed to me.

#vent #or not exactly but I'm giving it that tag anyways

[enby-bitch-boy]

Sex is when you push your finger into someones open wound and they make a pathetic little moan in response

[enby-bitch-boy]

oh no it would be such a shame if a boy pinned me to the wall and kissed me breathless right now. stares at you

[enby-bitch-boy]

i’m a simple dude! i just want to hug another guy and maybe bury my face in the crook of his neck. maybe borrow (steal) some of his clothes🤷‍♂️ iiidk

[enby-bitch-boy]

feeling like i'm constantly too much and too little at the same time is so exhausting

[enby-bitch-boy]

relationship where we both keep showing each other the worst parts of ourselves but neither of us get scared n we both stay

[enby-bitch-boy]

trees are very 🥺 because sometimes i’ll stand under the shade of a tree and look up at it and it’ll sway its branches about in the wind and i’m like oh my God i’m alive and YOU’RE alive. we are alive together and made up of the same starry stuff and standing right next to each other in this moment on this earth. do u feel it when i reach out and press my hand to your trunk? can you hear me? i think you’re so neat. and then the sunlight filters through its leaves just so and that lovely green color leaves me dazzled. it’s just very nice to be an alive thing next to a different sort of alive thing

[enby-bitch-boy]

It's a new year and I have continued to survive despite the attempts of powers beyond my control to change that fact! I'm here and I will continue to be here. There will be more times to hang out with the people I love. There will be new stories to read and games to play and words to write. Things will be better and things will be worse and I'll still be here fighting to keep it that way. It isn't easy, it hasn't been easy for years now. But I'll keep fighting to stay.