emoali

[emoali]

When I get a funk I need to try to pull myself out

We should be proud of ourselves for going into this talking about stuff and not just doing it like on a drunk night

I need someone who is great at communicating

[emoali]

So a week was a little interesting. Last week I went to that show. It was really fun and met another girl there That was alone and we spent the night hanging out. It was really liberating and just nice to do something on my own because I wanted to. I told you the night before I went out to dinner with Trevor and Brian and we had a good time. It seemed like it was just fun friends stuff there is always that little bit of flirtation with Brian. On Tuesday Brian messages me all this depressing messages that like he wants to kill himself and how he misses me and how he's sorry. I hadn't cried like that in quite a while. I started feeling like it was my fault that he wanted to kill himself and it just hurt me a lot. I thought we were kind of past that, but he's obviously still struggling processing these emotions. I was talking to Trevor to help me through everything. And then Brian ended up talking to Trevor as well. He says that he's going to get therapy and everything so it was just a lot emotionally. I needed to remind myself that I'm not responsible for how he feels and that I can't blame myself for anything if he actually did do anything. But there's definitely a part of me that feels like if he were to actually do something I would never forgive myself. I think this feeling like stems to the whole Justin and Dwayne thing because I feel or felt extremely guilty with both of them. It's hard to not want to make everyone happy and make sure everyone's okay.

Trevor came over yesterday and we had a good time. We went out to dinner with my brother and we just hung out played games. We talked about. Brian and he told me that he had gone on a date the day before. He had texted me all that stuff and he thought everything was all cool. So he was shocked that Brian was feeling the way he was.

Another thing that happened is I've been crushing really hard on one of my physical therapists. I was certain that we were both flirting with each other. And I started to really fantasize. We had games in comments and age. So I had built up this crush and I need that it was Risky because he was my doctor basically... But I felt like I would really regret not trying. So on Friday I found out he had a girlfriend. And even though this was a crush on simeiinreally didn't know it made me cry... I feel crazy... Like how could I let myself get worked up over nothing ..

[emoali]

I feel like my intrusive thoughts happen when I think of anything that makes me uncomfortable... It's not just embarrassing moments though those do fit in.

[emoali]

Duane Duane Duanes okay

Thinking about telling my friends in California that Nolan was my first online friend and not seeming like they cared that much.

[emoali]

Are there any similarities in the memories that trigger the intrusive thoughts?

We should try to face them

Also practice acceptance and leaving it

If you're struggling at night then reach for a pen of paper. Get your thoughts out and then just go to sleep

I am going to be better

[emoali]

Dwayne out loud

Thinking about how I went after my brother on the fourth of July with all my might to push him in the pool when I was in pain from the car accident

Dwayne's okay out loud

After trying to explain that someone at work should have called me but they said they texted me and instead of saying I would have heard the phone call. I just said sorry. Then said Dwayne's okay.

Dwayne out load

Just anxious I may have had too much caffeine. I wasn't thinking about anything. Possibly excited about voting.

Or could be me being anxious about a form getting messed up and Me needing to fix it. It felt like a tic also can't stop shaking my leg

I've been so restless and anxious lately.

I couldn't sleep last night just tossing and turning. My thoughts were racing. Just fantasizing... It didn't help that my brother was blasting the tv but still I couldn't calm down

[emoali]

So I've been thinking and you have asked me if I'm not happy with where I'm at and I have been saying that I am but I don't think that's true. I realized that I'm reluctant to say I'm not because I don't want to be ungrateful because I know things could be worse but there is for sure a part of me that isn't happy with the way I look and my current Living situation and financial income. These are things I can change to an extent but when I fantasize it goes to a whole new level. I'm trying to change what I can and I think that's the best way to handle this but accepting my reality would be amazing... And truly embracing all the good and bad. I'd like to talk more about this. What does this look like? Can it be learned?

[emoali]

I have been very tired recently.

I still want to work on these intrusive thoughts or core beliefs.

How should we start tackling this need to relive my embarrassing moments.

It almost feels like the cringe grows stinger

Post Therapy

We are going to try to rewrite the negative self talk. I'm going to be more self-aware of how I talk to myself. Having these negative thoughts are quite draining and positive thoughts are energetic. I have this weird habit of enjoying and indulging in negative thoughts. This is something that he wants to dive into more. What is this wound that we don't want to put a Band-Aid over? I was talking about my funeral and fantasizing about dying in high school. Why do I find joy in thinking about me being terminally ill with cancer. What is this deeper meaning? Why do I seek punishment? Am I a masochist?

[emoali]

I believe that my emotional brain was overpowering my logical brain. In that last session. I mentioned that I believe punishment will make me better and will help me to strive to be my best. The more I beat myself up. But I know logically that is not necessarily what I need to do to learn a lesson. I logically acknowledge the difference between me and the other person and how I'm so hard on myself. My logical brain sees a difference and acknowledged it. My logical brain is curious as to why I do this. The logical brain is confused that there's a difference between me and everyone else. Why am I more forgiving when it comes to others but not when it comes to myself? My logical brain doesn't believe that I should be harder on myself than on others, but there's definitely a part of me that feels that way. It has to be my emotional brain. That seems like a very emotional way of thinking not logical. So last session I could not get into my logical thinking for whatever reason.

[emoali]

The burn metaphor

The intrusive thought I had on the way here. "Do you want to kill your self?"

So I noticed that past memories that are embarrassing or unpleasant do make my intrusive thoughts pop off. But I've mentioned this before that when I go on autopilot for example just driving here focusing on the traffic. This question arises in my head and as much as I'd like to just let it go, it's a scary thought so it's hard to just forget about it. And the best way to forget about it is to acknowledge that this is just an intrusive thought that I have and it is not how I feel. Another reason why it can be hard to ignore is because it's a question that I'm asking myself. And I want to answer it. Instinctively.

Toxic coworker

I cannot stay focused

[emoali]

What is it that makes me feel like I have a core belief that I am shaming myself or shameful or something along those lines? I feel like being shameful or embarrassed is definitely triggering my intrusive thoughts. If I can rewrite this in my head to not feel shame as badly as I do then maybe it can help my intrusive thoughts. What is this core belief that I have?

[emoali]

My intrusive thoughts might be flared because of my stress that I'm going through. I'm going through a lot of stress and so that's normal. That could also be the cause of why I'm crying

I feel so validated. There's a clear picture of why I would feel like a burden. My parents' parenting style was really strict and obscene. I was made to rebel in a sense. They didn't give me any freedom so I took my freedom. They labeled me as the bad kid so I became the bad kid.

[emoali]

My intrusive thoughts have not gotten better and I would like to know what you think about labeling these thoughts as intrusive thoughts. I don't know what to call these thoughts that occur and I'm curious to pick your brain on what you think it might be. Is it a form of OCD or something else? I don't need to put a label on it, but if we could maybe it'll help me learn things about what is happening and figure out a way to tackle them. I really would like to focus on getting rid of them. I know you ask the question. Are they distressing? I don't really know how to answer that because I feel like I'm pretty tough and I don't want to admit that something is causing me distress if it's not to an extreme extent. I would say they are distressing because I'm worried that someone will hear me say it out loud one day. I'm actually surprised that my coworker hasn't called me out on this yet. I also want to know if I should feel as if this is something that is normal and I don't really have to worry about it because if I don't really need to worry about it then I won't and then I'll just let it be a part of me but I don't necessarily want it to be a part of me and I'm not sure how to change that.

I dodged a bullet when it came to Evan because if he couldn't communicate to me about what was going on in his head and what was happening in his life after talking to him for over a year then that's not a partner that I need. I need someone who can be transparent and reassure me or be able to talk to me freely. My intrusive thoughts. Maybe thoughts of habit. I'm going to notice my thoughts a little bit more so I can talk to my therapist about them next week. I don't think hooking up with people on tinder will be the best thing for me. I think what would really build. My confidence is knowing that someone wants to be with me consecutively instead of just one night. Evan gave me mixed signals and could have communicated better with me. I dodged a bullet because I need someone who's going to communicate and be more open. As of right now I'm just focusing on myself and bettering myself and I'm not worried about being in a relationship. Hooking up with people probably wouldn't be very good for my mental health. They would be more of a distraction and a waste of energy.

[emoali]

I will be in the moment

I will not think about this girl Evan is seeing not ask about her

I will enjoy good friends and good times

I will enjoy my vacation

I will eat lots of good food

I will have good company

I will get to be flirty with someone

Vacation bf is what I'll call it

I am energetic

My vibrations are positive

I draw people to me with my good vibes

I am witty, sexy, charismatic and chill

I Exude gratitude and happiness

I will enjoy the views and weather

I will make memories I will never forget

I choose to enjoy my free time and this is what vacation was intended for...

I wanted to get away and relax in California with Asia and Connor

Evan is just a bonus friend whom I like

I will practice mindfulness in an amazing setting and opportunity

I am looking good

I get to meet my friends finally!

I get to enjoy cali!!

[emoali]

My intrusive thoughts have not gotten better and I would like to know what you think about labeling these thoughts as intrusive thoughts. I don't know what to call these thoughts that occur and I'm curious to pick your brain on what you think it might be. Is it a form of OCD or something else? I don't need to put a label on it, but if we could maybe it'll help me learn things about what is happening and figure out a way to tackle them. I really would like to focus on getting rid of them. I know you ask the question. Are they distressing? I don't really know how to answer that because I feel like I'm pretty tough and I don't want to admit that something is causing me distress if it's not to an extreme extent. I would say they are distressing because I'm worried that someone will hear me say it out loud one day. I'm actually surprised that my coworker hasn't called me out on this yet. I also want to know if I should feel as if this is something that is normal and I don't really have to worry about it because if I don't really need to worry about it then I won't and then I'll just let it be a part of me but I don't necessarily want it to be a part of me and I'm not sure how to change that.

I dodged a bullet when it came to Evan because if he couldn't communicate to me about what was going on in his head and what was happening in his life after talking to him for over a year then that's not a partner that I need. I need someone who can be transparent and reassure me or be able to talk to me freely. My intrusive thoughts. Maybe thoughts of habit. I'm going to notice my thoughts a little bit more so I can talk to my therapist about them next week. I don't think hooking up with people on tinder will be the best thing for me. I think what would really build. My confidence is knowing that someone wants to be with me consecutively instead of just one night. Evan gave me mixed signals and could have communicated better with me. I dodged a bullet because I need someone who's going to communicate and be more open. As of right now I'm just focusing on myself and bettering myself and I'm not worried about being in a relationship. Hooking up with people probably wouldn't be very good for my mental health. They would be more of a distraction and a waste of energy.

[emoali]

I will be in the moment

I will not think about this girl Evan is seeing not ask about her

I will enjoy good friends and good times

I will enjoy my vacation

I will eat lots of good food

I will have good company

I will get to be flirty with someone

Vacation bf is what I'll call it

I am energetic

My vibrations are positive

I draw people to me with my good vibes

I am witty, sexy, charismatic and chill

I Exude gratitude and happiness

I will enjoy the views and weather

I will make memories I will never forget

I choose to enjoy my free time and this is what vacation was intended for...

I wanted to get away and relax in California with Asia and Connor

Evan is just a bonus friend whom I like

I will practice mindfulness in an amazing setting and opportunity

I am looking good

I get to meet my friends finally!

I get to enjoy cali!!

[emoali]