elysiumfound

[elysiumfound]

Elton John - Your Song

I hope you don’t mind that I put down in words How wonderful life is that you’re in the world

#music #otp: he was in love with a story from years ago

[elysiumfound]

#otp: he was in love with a story from years ago

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#music #when ale was 18 he played this song to get himself thru #bc he was a sad bitter boy

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myerstwhiles:

So, she definitely figured that he’d probably get upset by her crying. At the end of everything, it was her choice to leave, and it made sense that it was stupid to cry so openly in front of him. Though, he was right; it had been ten years.

Ten years of misery. Ten years of loneliness. Ten years of wishing she could go back in time and just tell him the truth.Ten years to regret breaking her best friend’s heart, and ten years to discover that she hated who she was without him. The past few minutes, if anything, had shown Lili how much she’d changed in that time frame. She used to laugh and be much more open and friendly with everyone - with anyone. She certainly wouldn’t have wanted to yell at a child for bumping into her cart. She never used to curse and fighting was nearly out of the question. Now? She swore multiple times during a conversation and threw punches nearly every night.

No longer was she the girl who would smile at strangers, or pick flowers in her garden (sure, she still had her garden, but her love for picking roses and daisies died the night her innocence was washed away.) The realization of it all put a frown on her face.

She listened patiently to her former lover, nodding every moment or so if only to show that she was still listening. She really had no idea what to say, but she knew she wanted things to be better. It was obviously too late for them, and no matter how much that tore her to pieces, it was ultimately her fault.

Her fault.

She had to keep telling herself that. It was true, it was her fault, but she still had the selfish desire to want to repair whatever damage she had done in the past ten years. Maybe, in time, they would be able to manage a civil conversation. They could chat about their lives, have dinner, and maybe she would even befriend his fiance.

Nah, fat fucking chance of that. She was too selfish for that.

But she was still too fucking scared.

“Six months? Wow,” she laughed dryly, “I did indeed move away. I was in Florida for a year or two, then Arizona, and New Mexico…” any attempts she’d made to move somewhere warmer had only caused the change to become more painful and more likely to happen, so she decided to return home - at least there was familiarity, and she could enact revenge on that fucking asshole wolf. It’s a good thing he was in Ookami: killing him had been fucking sweet.

Yeah, that would be a story for Ale. Christ.

Her hand moved through her hair as she adjusted herself once more. Then, she put her hands on her hips. She didn’t want to make the same mistake as last time. One day, she’d decided, she’d tell him the truth. Everything. Show him. She just needed to gain his trust back. Just a little bit, enough for him to actually want to be alone with her.

“Ale, I’m sorry,” she said slowly, “There’s a million things I could say right now, and nothing I do can fix what I did, but, really, if I knew you were back in Florence I probably would have tried to reconcile anyway.” She threw her hands up in defense and attempted to keep her face even (the tears wouldn’t stop pooling in her eyes, but they weren’t escaping yet.)

“No, I didn’t think things would be the same, we’re two different fucking people now. You don’t even know me anymore. I don’t know you anymore,” she shook her head. She was probably fucking things up even more, but God dammit, she wanted to fix it. Her left hand pinched the bridge of her nose as she took another shaky breath. Wiping her eyes, she continued, “I did choose to leave. That’s my fault. I’m a fucking idiot, we all knew that already, but I’m not asking to pick up where we left off. I’m not that stupid, I know… I know we can’t do that…” her face crumpled and she brought her hands to her face to cover herself.

“I just. I wanted to talk to you earlier and explain things. I did. Ale, I was scared. I didn’t want you to hate me. I don’t want you to hate me,” she mumbled through her hands, “I’m honestly a big mess. I… shit, I just…” her arms wrapped around herself. “I never stopped missing you.”

“I just want the chance to be in your life again. I want to be your friend. I miss my best friend, I’ve never stopped missing you. I’m not daft enough to believe things could be the same… I just… I’m asking for the chance to make things up to you. I want to be able to tell you why I did everything… I understand if you want to walk away… but, Ale…” she sighed.

    “I’m asking for a second chance.”

     Alejandro felt as though the world had stopped. His heart wanted to beat out from his chest.

     Rather than process anything she had previously said, he zeroed in on the one phrase: “I’m asking for a second chance.” What did that entail? What was that about? A million questions raced through his mind, all tracing back to what they could have been. It was like as though in an instant, he was taken back to every memory.

     Car rides where he blasted the music and sang obnoxiously, just to hear her laugh.. Idly holding hands during class, seated in front of her but always having his arm behind his back. Star-gazing, where he’d make up constellations and he’d have to tell her they weren’t real.. and she’d laugh, and smack his arm, and suddenly say, “Well, now they’re ours. They’re real now.” Memories of how they were real, and candid. Their first fight where he stayed out on her porch until daylight; when he first thought he lost her. When he lost her..

     It was a Saturday night, and they were sitting in his car. The silence was painful; almost unbearable, because that wasn’t them.. they weren’t awkward, or quiet, or uncomfortable. Or, maybe, because he knew what was coming, and what she was going to say next. They had turned into something so.. so out of touch, and drifted. It was only a matter of time because she left him, because God knows he never could. (Not even now.) And she spoke to him with words that, to this day, are a blur, and walked out of the passenger door. She didn’t even look back.

     And, he chased her, but she wouldn’t look at him. She stayed headstrong, and firm in that decision. Nothing he could say could change her mind, despite his pleas. How he begged.

     “But, I love you. And you love me, so why aren’t we together? Why don’t you want to be together? What caused this to.. what happened to us? You love me!” “It’s always been you and me..”

     " You don’t.. get to do that, Lili. ” He finally responded. He tightened his hands into a fist, trembling and allowing his fingernails to penetrate his skin from the force. “ Y-You don’t get to miss me.. when you chose to leave me. ”

     “ T-That isn’t how it works. In fact, you can’t just come back. Because you know what you meant to me; what you mean to me. It’s not fair. Because, look, Lili. How could I say, ‘No,’ to you, even when I should? H-How can I deny you? Turn you away?! Lili, I was in love with you; I was so.. so in love with you, and so look at me, Lili! What am I suppose to do?! When I should hate you, but I can do everything but hate you. I should hate you! ― ”

     He couldn’t believe he was there, causing a scene in the middle of a grocery store. He couldn’t even remember the last time he dared to raise his voice.

     “ I have to go. ”

#re: lili: chance encounter #i'm going to cry

[elysiumfound]

I’m fighting myself. I know I am. One minute I want to remember. The next minute I want to live in the land of forgetting. One minute I want to feel. The next minute I never want to feel ever again.

Benjamin Alire Sáenz, Last Night I Sang to the Monster (via horrorshow)

#musing

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“Lie to me” she whispered.

“I love you” he said.

#otp: we could start anew

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#otp: he was in love with a story from years ago

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Scrivimi ancora (Love, Rosie), 2014

#otp: he was in love with a story from years ago

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#otp: he was in love with a story from years ago

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myerstwhiles:

Lili wasn’t sure how to take Alejandro’s answer. Home? What did that even mean anymore? Was it the apartment she returned to every night? Was it the woods she returned to in the winter? The photographs she cherished so deeply of her childhood? The memories she couldn’t seem to let go of?

“That makes sense,” she said, nodding, tight-lipped. She felt so utterly different. In the past, Alejandro was one of the only people she would have been completely open with, but now? She felt confused, upset, nervous, and a plethora of other emotions, but above all, she felt guilty.

She’d always felt guilty, but seeing him now made it worse. When she broke up with him, she told herself that she’d done it for his protection. The other wolves told her that he was a liability, and that if hunters came into town, then he would be a tool used against her… and she didn’t want that. No, she couldn’t have that. She would rather die than have him get hurt in any capacity, but, to protect him, she had to hurt him. She broke his heart.

She would never forget the pained look on his face as she walked out the door.

Truth be told, she didn’t deserve a second chance. She didn’t even deserve to say hello to him, but they were older and things had changed. Maybe she could be honest: she could tell him what happened… no, no, he would never believe her.

Could he believe her?

As he explained his current career choice, she couldn’t help but smile. She loved the image of him filling the minds of younger people, and she was sure he was a great teacher.

“I bet you’re a great professor,” she said aloud, mirroring her thoughts. She bit her lip and shrugged when he questioned her about her life. “I’ve been here for… a few years now. I guess I wanted to come home, too.” She didn’t know how he’d react to that, but she wanted to be honest. Maybe they could make up for lost time. She knew she didn’t deserve anything from him, but her heart ached without him, and seeing him in person only strengthened that reaction. It felt like her heart was on fire.

“I don’t do a lot. I teach yoga, and I run a day-care in the summer.” She wanted to tell him more, but she wasn’t sure how long they had, so she kept it to the basics. As he sighed, she winced. Christ, she felt so guilty. She was amazed she’d managed an iota of eye-contact, as every time their eyes met, she swore she saw the betrayal replay in her mind.

“Years.” She sighed along with him, “But you still look…great.” Her smile was pained, but genuine. She could offer him some kind words at least, perhaps to take some of the sting away. Lili moved her cart over slightly so that she was no longer blocking the isle (wasn’t she just complaining about others doing it to her?) She grabbed another eggplant from the pile of produce - she really needed something to distract her hands from trying to reach out to him.

“Hey, Ale,” she started softly, raising an eyebrow, “I’m probably the last person you’d want to do this with, but… maybe we could…” she wanted to say catch up, or go get coffee, or something else that might offer some sense of normality and closure, or even a chance to be honest, but in that moment, something caught her eye, and she felt her throat swell shut. It might have been missed by anyone else, the tiny glint of silver, but the light had caught his ring in such a way that it seemed to scream, “Look at me!”

Her heart

s

   a

n

         k

Her tanned skin once again turned red as she shut her eyes to keep them from flooding with tears. Lili put the vegetable back in the bin and ran a hand through her hair. She looked down and put one hand on her hip and the other on her cart. Her fight-or-flight responses were fighting in her head, trying to determine which course of action would be safest and most comfortable, but fleeing was all too familiar to her. She’d done it years ago, when things were too scary to handle. In her haste, she’d lost everything in one fell swoop.

She couldn’t do that again.

Swallowing, she moved her hands to her cart so that she had something to hang on to (her knuckles were white as she gripped the rim.) Her face was still red and she had to take another deep breath to calm herself. She was a fucking mess. Why was she a mess? He looked so calm and steady and his life was probably fucking great without her. Her eyes met his again, and while she spoke, she couldn’t stop the tear that dripped down her face. Lili quickly wiped her eyes (it was useless to try and pretend that she hadn’t just shed a tear, but she’d probably try to anyway.)

“I’m sorry, this is probably embarrassing for you,” she smiled, “I mean, of course you’re married. Or engaged, whichever one it is. You’re… you.” Looking down, she fiddled with her hands. Subconsciously, she took a step back.

“How long? Christ, I mean, you don’t have to answer that. You really don’t owe me anything.”

     “ Yeah, ” Alejandro nodded, short and sweet. He leaned away from the cart, and shoved his hands into his pockets. The distance between them was within reach, and yet he had never felt farther from her. It was an odd thing, how time had changed. “ I’m a fantastic professor, ” he finally chimed with a bit of a smirk. Her words made him subtly tilt his head. “ Did you.. Did you move away? I had no idea. ” And he wouldn’t have. Because time had changed.

     The concept was hard to stomach. He was beginning to feel queasy, and light-headed; he wasn’t prepared to see her when he went out. To be frank, he wasn’t prepared to see her at all, and probably hadn’t been since the day he left town. Whenever he imagined their encounter, it was always something dramatic and life-changing. Years from now, they’d run into each other after they’ve grown up and learned.. They’d have a chance encounter outside of a coffee shop, or in another country ― so out of the blue, they’d have no choice but to call it fate. Or, maybe, she had been looking for him, and found him. She’d say how she was sorry, say that she loved him, say that he had been the only one this entire time.

     She made a mistake.

     How pathetic.

     And, there, he stood now, with his hands in his pockets, surrounded by shelves of mundane goods. With a collided cart, they met. Completely random, sure, but unexpected. Lackluster. Something that wasn’t worth the love that they had. No. What he had. Was it a shame that even now, standing before her, he still felt as though she deserved more than this? If he was happy, why was he so eager to..

     .. “ Yoga, huh, ” he repeated with a low tone, slowly nodding. That seemed to be all he was physically capable of doing. “ You must love kids. ” What made you settle for that? Didn’t you have other dreams? Did something happen to change your plans, Lili? were all things he wanted to say, but held back. If she was happy, that was all that matter, though. Besides, he had no right to speak candidly, as they once had done. They were different people.

     Nothing was the same.

     His eyes idly followed her hands as they reached towards an eggplant, unable to focus because of what she was trying to express. Was she suggesting that they caught up? Meet again? What was he even suppose to say? Hey, Lili.. Yeah, well, I only came out here for a minute, because I wanted to get away from my fiancée and relive the days of my youth. Could he even handle telling her that he was engaged? No, he couldn’t even handle this. Every part of his body wanted him to run away, and remember what he deserved; how she left him. He clenched his jaw, pained by the causality of this experience, when he noticed it.

     ― “ Y-You’re crying. ” Alejandro’s lungs were on fire; he could barely breath. That’s impossible. How could that have been fair? Was she upset that he moved on? After ten years of waiting, traveling, suppressing, and fighting; struggling not to remember what he had wanted so desperately after being left behind. His heart sank, and he felt his throat swell. Was she upset he finally decided to be happy?

     His brows furrowed, and he shot her an incredulous gaze. He released a breath in disbelief, before keeping his lips parted. What was he even suppose to say? “ Six months engaged. ” He shook his head. He wanted to console her, wipe the tears away and tell her it was a mistake.

     No.

     No, you can’t do this.

     You’re happy.

     This is her fault.

     “ I .. ” the vowel dragged on, as he was struggling to find the right thing to mutter next. Instead of continuing, he kept shaking his head, and licking his lips. “ H-How .. How can you be crying? You chose.. to leave me, you..” He was shaking. “ It’s been ten years, Lili. And, what? Did you think everything would be the same? That time had stopped moving? ”

     “ Did you what? Want to pick up where you left off? ”

     Maybe, it was his turn to walk away. If only he could.

#re: lili: chance encounter #i did not reread this so have fun

[elysiumfound]

I’m searching for a phrase that will release everything that’s pent up in me.

Henry Miller, in a letter to Anaïs Nin, featured in A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin and Henry Miller, 1932-1953 (via luthienne)

#musing

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Tomb Raider (2018) dir. Roar Uthaug

#otp: we could start anew #he isn’t the guy tho he’d 100%support her #well #maybe 75%

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I still catch myself feeling sad about things that don’t matter anymore.

Kurt Vonnegut (via hplyrikz)

#musing

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what are you majoring in?

Disappointing my parents

#musing

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Your heart will become a dusty piano in the basement of a church and she will play you when no one is looking. Now you understand why it’s called an organ.

Rudy Francisco, “Like Every Other Man” (via thelovejournals)

#otp: he was in love with a story from years ago

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The Great Pyramid of Giza has been probed with the tools of modern particle physics by scientists who say they have discovered a huge, secret space hidden within its ancient walls.

It is located above a tall, cathedral-like room known as the Grand Gallery, and this newly found space is comparable in size — about 100 feet long, according to a report in the journal Nature.

That makes it a major structure within this royal tomb, which was built around 2500 B.C. and is considered to be one of the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World. Yet until now, despite centuries of study, no one knew this space was there.

Scientists Say They’ve Found Hidden Space In Great Pyramid Of Giza

Photo: ScanPyramids mission

#aesthetic #nerd

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One of the hardest things you will ever have to do, my dear, is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive.

My father’s advice #1 (via northern-proper)

#otp: he was in love with a story from years ago