elenaseah

[elenaseah]

Losing hope, faith , strength

Is been 9 days since the release of my results i might have my appetite back i might have start talking to mel but no i still do not have the courage to face it, i keep procastinating for my essay for my entry to uni . Idk y i just dont feel like doing anything anymore like i dw to go work as well like what is wrong with me .... watching tv or sleeping just to avoid everything. God help me whr do i find the strength to stand up again ?

I just know if i dont start doing something from now things will get worser.... God is trying to make me stronger i will do watever i can just to get to uni honestly but i keep saying i nvr do a si gle thing .....

Thks whole week i still dont feel comfortable talking to anyone n my parents r tired mel is tired aisha is tired as well i hope they dont give up on me ..... i feel mel is not talking to me much this daysssss god pls help n watch over us i m not expecting happier days evrryday more like i need the courage to face my fears and the people i love pls help me . Yes i resent God for a while like i even feel i dont deserve God at all like i dont pray n stuff at all i come to find him when i have problems only i hate this side of myself so much ....

N the past is the past it cannot b undone alr that is y is called the past for a reason but the future is still for me to decide i always think is bullshit talk n stuff but it make sense i have to learn to forgive myself seriously

Pls watch over me God i m desperate but i somehow i dont have the energy to do anything anymore....

And anyone can understand i always been so rude to my parents cause i dw them to have hope in me i dont wan them to expect things for me i really love them idk how to express it either i just wish they give up on me ....

[elenaseah]

I lost my direction

So on 23rd feb the reality and cold hard truth just hit me ....i never felt this lost before. My 3 years of handwork,suffering,pain and tears have gone down the drain. It was a chaotic period of my life it was just every single day playing mind games with myself and everyone.Teachers look down on you parents just give up on you. but you keep telling yourself you have to pull through no matter how hard it is but sometimes you just want to give up alr but u realise u come so far and have so much more to go you cannot just give up u know... i definitely do  not want to recall any of that .Is it karma? My dad just gave up on me he was just speechless and others are just waiting to bash me up and depress me even further. I honestly don't see the point of going to Uni anymore my mind was just telling me to start work straight and i m willing to start from the bottom honestly....at least i am earning money and not wasting more money to study  private uni it just hurts me like hell that they need to spend even more money on me like they haven't spend enough on me already .Only Mel and my mum was there for me since i got my result back it was hell,i just let them down .When you let the people you love the pain is undescribable I have no idea what to do i just kept crying and crying  my mind was just blank .I rather they scold me honestly i would feel better  and not that guilty for disappointing them,but no they gave me more encouragement and the support i never felt before if it is others they will run away immediately and just leave me alone.... do i deserve them ? honestly i don't they choose to stay with me till the very end they accept me for who i am i seriously do not know how to repay them....Mel i really love you i m seriously sorry i really don't know to face you whatever i expect to happen ACTUALLY HAPPEN and i thought i was brave enough to face it but nope i still cry.I have no words ...i am just really sorry ..... in the end i still disappoint you is like putting my best is not enough anymore .... i am really lost... I am such a terrible gf and daughter  i know i m sorry ......

[elenaseah]

Exactly 1 month to finals

woww time flies i have exactly 1 month to A levels..stress and anxiety level is definitely at its peak now. My prelims despite some subjects that i improve its still a fail and i only have 1 month to do something about it i feel really lost.Should i give up ? as it seems like i need a miracle to get to a local university.Or should i give my best shot and just hold on for 1 more month and who knows i can make my parents feel proud of me for once in their life.Honestly  i am conflicted and lost. what should i do ? i realise hard work is not enough to get you good grades working smart is also another important factor and in 1 month can i even work smart ? everyday i wake up telling myself is a brand new day but somehow by night time it turns out to be a bad day . technology is distracting me ALOT and time flies when i use my handphone but somehow time stops when i am studying . I need help !!! school environment that is suppose to be conducive have somehow become a toxic place instead and i cannot blame anyone but only myself for letting it get to me and i have change alot. I am definitely not the same girl who first entered college in 2015.However there is seriously no point in regretting now 1 month left my heart tells me i should not give up yet although my brain tells me otherwise.i think for this one month i will be writing my blog frequently to keep myself mentally stable at the very least cause telling people your problems is not working out for me at all . Elena you can do this just ignore everyone that brings you down and focus only on yourself for just this 1 month its not wrong to focus on yourself first before helping other people who are drowning . Hope from this very moment onwards i will wake up and face reality because failing my finals is definitely a consequence i do not want to face.

“ Despite other people giving up on you as long as you do not give up on yourself there is  definitely still chances of succeeding” 

Screw time so what if i left with  1 month if i keep stressing on the time and never even start that is worser .