doitytoity

[doitytoity]

5.16

Fuuuuck that whole Ben thing he called me 4 times in a row on Friday. Like get real bruh. Bruv, sorry.

It sucks to not see anyone around who I want to share my time with romantically. I have seen a few cute guys on bumble but I immediately assume the worst about them.

I need to get into my spirit more :( I’m in such a survival slump and I need to just settle in and commit to the bit. Like, this is what my life looks like now. Only way to go is forward and I can only do that if I take the steps. There has to be more.

Shit, this is past due for a new chapter. I think I’ll go analog for now.

Overall, I know I will be great. Right now it doesn’t feel that way but I can change that. I can change that.

[doitytoity]

5.9

Girl lmao

I texted Ben this morning like….$/$:!;&!:!!….like…. I’m infatuated with you LMAO like a dumbass

Girl he did not text me all day. He hit me with “really? That’s nice”

LMAO and then BOO 👻

So love that. But like. Meh. Okay.

I’m good with that. He’s one of those if it makes me laugh I’m going to say it and if you’re laughing then you can’t be mad. I will be following my first instinct which is to HANG UP TF PHONE next time. With anyone.

Don’t like that. Don’t necessarily like that he lives far. Don’t like that he always brings up how bad America is like that’s so tired. Don’t like the upfront sexuality. Boring. Tired. You don’t like me you like to nut. You like an outlet for that. Easy, interactive, free.

Fuck that! I’d rather get paid. I gotta start getting real about money. There’s so much out there to be made. Ugh.

[doitytoity]

5.8

This birthday year is coming to a close. Good god. I’m in a totally different situation now. Just in general. Not sure why I’ve started like this.

So this weekend I had a dream about Ben (uuuuggghhhh) and so I texted him and then basically spent the rest of the day talking about fucking him???? Like???? It honestly does sound fun. But. Girl. Lol.

I wish he’d come here…ugh. I hate this type of distraction it makes me feel crazy! Like ready to risk it all lmao

And just so…….flustered like my kind keeps zapping back to him and yikes I just hate that feeling especially when HELLO he lives on another continent. It’d never be like a thing……

And he’s like…annoying? Like he told me I look like a cancer patient with my head covered and it’s like. Uh. I look like this all the time????

It was giving izier lol idk

I just think he’s annoying. But he’s so cute. Ugh. It feels like one of those matches where we could be really good once we get past all the pissing contest stuff he likes to do. He thinks he’s being funny but he’s really being a pain in the ass and he refuses to see it.

Idk!!!!!! I just wish someone HERE would fall into my lap and check the boxes. Really with Ben it is the same as izier. I see the potential but 1) maybe I think too much and 2) maybe I don’t think enough. Also they’re attractive (TO ME lol ew I know re izier). And they are hyper sexual???

I am definitely reading into the Ben thing too much. Also he called me honey yesterday and was like that’s the name you like right?!?! Like BENEDICT you gotta not do that, esp with the follow up question, indicating you remember things like this about me??? Like Ben I wanna be in love with you lmao I don’t even know you bennnnnnn

Setting myself up for disappointment. Wish I could manifest a person and feel okay about it…. Maybe I’ll try anyway

[doitytoity]

4.27

lol my dreams are so fucked. Last night I was trying to explain to SOMEONE that I wanted more attention and it was all very innocent and fine but idk. Just the feeling of asking! I’m with communication lol but ugh iiiiiddddkkkkk

I had such a hard time sleeping last night. I cannot stop thinking about izier. Like what the fuck was all that? And what is THIS?! This longing and shit even though I’m fully aware fulfillment and izier are antonymous. Not going to happen.

Why did it feel like such a deep connection?? He’s kinda retarded lol

Did I already write here that Adreana told me he went to jakes shop (for a 2nd fucking time lol) and he was like high off something and talking to himself? Like does he do that on purpose? He said “I know you you’re Elizabeth’s friend” like girl wtf why are you talking about me! You are sick. Because like. Why did you treat me like that if you’re so worried about me. Forget about it! I don’t bother you.

Listen okay here we go. I know you love me. I know your mind is not right. I know you must think of me at times and probably feel certain soft types of ways but in the long run you fucked me so bad lol you ruined a lot of shit because you set me in your sights to leech off of and I was so desperate for you that I let it all slide. If you had been a normal person, if you had been someone who really loved me and was attracted to me (lol sad) I would’ve been the best to you. I would’ve done anything for you. That’s crazy. Because I did so much. And you treated me literally like trash.

You were the sour apple. And that’s hard to shoulder. I know that. But jesus how sad.

I think that’s why I couldn’t really feel any type of way about the girls he’s been around since lol cause I know they’re seasonal. He either gets bored or they figure out he’s nuts enough to want to get away from lol

And I love this person. HA HA HA. This is the person whose little flame is the same as mine and we couldn’t be oilier or more watery lol like we are a nightmare and that sucks because I also remember the beautiful times. Pretty weird incinerate by sonic youth is on rn niiiiiigghhhtttmare

I really miss that little piece of you izier. I miss the oasis in your arms. Im sorry you’re hurting. I wish I could’ve been it for you and that you could treat me with love and adoration. Those were the best parts.

[doitytoity]

4.23

I saw him last night. As Vanessa and I were leaving chipotle I saw someone ride past on a skateboard and I looked at Vanessa and said trauma and then whoosh he was not far behind the first guy. I averted my eyes as quickly as possible.

Adreana said he went into jakes shop the other day and he was acting all weird, talking to himself and seemed like he was off some shiiiiiit. Allegedly. How gross! It makes me really sad. And like embarrassed idk I just feel bad about him. I wonder how I ever dealt with any of it. The constant harassment, the psychological warfare, the mental ILLNESS bitch wtf I understand loving him but doing all that?

Upsetting. But I get it. I felt like that was the best I could do.

But it’s so untrue it’s crazy not only could I very well find another way better love than that (because honestly it’s not hard to beat) but like I will continue to create it in myself. So so gay but also really true. I don’t need to betray myself to find love.

I could never ever go back to that. Even though I feel like if we talked again I could easily fall back into something, I’ll never ever talk to him because I know I will always be unable to engage just…..period. I just can’t! Nothing could ever change the things that happened. I could never be convinced that he is anywhere near capable of being what I need. So no point in hashing all that out. Shame that we couldn’t even analyze it together. Never.

But I do wish everything was different. I wish we could run into each other and never waver again. I wish he could’ve just been normal. But no matter what happens in the future, it could never be us. Not after everything. Not after basically pretending to like me off rip and while he kept pretending, I fucking fell for it and him and what he’s done is unforgivable.

I don’t know if I will ever forgive him fully. That’s the hardest part.

[doitytoity]

4.16

I wonder when I will encounter romance again. It sounds so cringy. Romance, not the wondering. I know I like the feeling of having someone to look at you in a certain way and hold you at night and everything else. Having someone to enjoy your cooking. Lol fuck idk. But it just sounds so uncomfortable. I don’t want to become familiar with someone else. I don’t want to bring anyone around joel really. But I don’t want my life to be split…that would be weird.

It makes me wonder about myself. It makes me wonder if maybe I’m just not cut out for that kind of thing? It seems like a shame and a waste because I feel good with someone else. But it doesn’t seem accessible?? Like it’s very hard to imagine it. I mean it’s hard to suspend disbelief.

I remember how it was with Jake. There is nothing I can do to change how I was but omg I was a little monster. That shook my world. Because I was so fucking clueless and unhealthy and fresh in the world omg what a terrible thing. What a horrible terrible thing. Lol.

And just everything since has been so yucky. Everything. Everything has very obviously not been great. And it’s so weird because I’m still hopeful but I’m also kinda like meh whatever I better get used to the idea and make peace with myself.

The dreams don’t help but they are kinda fun. I guess maybe they are helping because they are making me very familiar with green flag feelings. Which makes the red ones stand out. I really am committed to myself now. I think that’s a positive of this whole thing. It’s hard to see upsides. I mean very easy to acknowledge freedom, but it’s such a sticky feeling.

It’s all withdrawal I think. The world as I knew it no longer exists in my field of vision. I think one day I’ll wake up and realize it’s been months since I thought about izier. With it without someone. Especially without. I think I won’t physically crave touch. At least not as much as I do now. I’ll be fully actualized. I’m down and out right now. Hopeful but not in the best place.

I just went down a hole about how I edit myself when I do this. So weird. I try to build positive sentences to not jinx myself but it’s so uncomfy. Anyway I’m done typing for now

[doitytoity]

4.8

I got my eyebrows microbladed and filled in today :) they look spectac

He was there in my dreams again. No idea in what capacity but he was there. And he again was that calm stable energy. I hate that shit lol couldn’t be farther from the truth.

I wonder if he’d ever try to like make things right. Or try to come back in laaaater and be like I was so so so wrong.

Wouldn’t change a thing. Wish I would but it wouldn’t. Crazy that I’ll be walking away from that for like ever??? I won’t really but that’s what it feels like. Like he could pop up at any time. I hope he’d have more pride now especially since I called him out saying I’ve never ever hit him up to be back together. So I basically clocked his intentions right there.

Ugh hate it

[doitytoity]

4.7

Last night I dreamt my mom kicked me out for some reason. So I ran to izier who was laying in bed and was crying about how I wanted to stay with him and would he take care of me??? Like would he please let me come stay with him LMAO

But it’s like a different him in these dreams. It’s him but it’s like a different energy. A very loving calm and responsible one. It’s so crazy. It’s like my brain is saying “this is the vibe you’re looking for!!!! Hello hi this is it right here!! This is what it’s supposed to feel like! Idk if you wanna make a note of it but hiiii you want stability and compassion!”

I swear I lowkey love what is going on with me. Like I am really reveling in my own like spiritual revelation. All the new ways I’m thinking about my life are pushing me up and up. I feel smart, not guarded. I feel like I am worthy of love as I am right now. But I have to be very picky about energy. And I don’t spend a lot of time in the dating pool lol so it’s just not the time. I’m too busy. I’m every way. I’d rather hang with friends tbh! Or by myself ugh delish

Anyway yeah. This is all so weird. Some money is coming to me, I just know it

[doitytoity]

4.6

I’ve been having a lot of dreams about leaving camp and trying to get all my friends stuff in my car. There’s always that thought about leaving “camp” in the back of my mind. Packing logistics lol

I think I just want to move.

Also in the back of my mind in the other dream, I kept asking myself “well what about if things go wrong with him?? Am I really sure it’s safe??” Ugh and I really felt like things would be okay. He was so sweet in the dream. He would hold me and talk to me softly.

Woof. Where’s the real thing

[doitytoity]

4.6

THE HORROR lol

Okay so last nights dream sucked ass. Izier was with me and everything was perfect but we went somewhere and this girl would like not leave him alone at all. So I kept finding her trying to weasel in. Like JUST HER. Izier wasn’t having any part of it but he was being polite?? Idk?? So anyway I keep telling this girl you gotta stop doing this I’m gonna hurt you cause this is my man and you’re really doing too much all the time. So she tries it. And I have to keep beating her ass. Then at one point I throw her and she lands on her head/neck and iziers like omg okay that’s enough and she’s like yeah I think I’m really hurt and I was like nah lol you’ll be fine but I mean I told you hella times to stop that shit and you had to find out the hard way and I’m still gonna fuck got up if you won’t chill like leave this guy alone he’s mine and I’m not gonna play with you anymore.

So then I get mad at him like why can’t you just check this bitch lol then I’m like lemme see your phone and he’s like it’s dead rn but here go charge it. And everything’s fine. Later he comes in and I ask him if he really wants to be with me and he says more than anything blah blah

But it’s all perfect. He also bought me a wedding dress lol

Fucking stupid

[doitytoity]

4.1

I’m totally not having dreams about izier every night… APRIL FOOLS

What a piece of shit deal I got.

Last night was the worst. We kept finding ways for me to find him and sleep next to him. I kept trying to get him to be with me for good. To stop everything from before and just be happy with me. He always wavered. Sometimes providing false hope, sometimes giving reasons why not. It felt fulfilling to be close to him. It felt perfect. But just like in real life, I can’t prove how he felt. He always wanted me to come sleep but not to stay together. And it’s not like we were fucking, we were literally just sleeping. He’d give me ways to come find him so we could hold each other. Then I lost contact. I was communicating with him on this phone. Some little phone. Idk. But I lost the url for the website that we used to communicate (this has happened in many izier dreams). So here I go ripping things apart to try to find it or remember the website I used to talk to him. I’m crying—hysterical really—rooting thru everything in my garage trying to find god-knows-what that will remind me of this website.

Couldn’t find it. End of dream. It was a long dream. And of course all the good stuff lasted way longer than the lost means of communication freakout. So now it feels like I’m walking around with an insatiable need for izier to hold me on my shoulders. And for some reason it has to be him. I think of some blank anybody body and it of course is just not the same.

I think I’m trying to prove to myself that he felt something with me. Which in some ways may be true. But he would never express that because I am no longer available to speak to, much less that I have nothing for him. I can’t help him in any way.

I’d never ever be able to trust him. This morning after my dream I saw a tweet about “tone policing” and thank god I did because it was triggering enough to shake a few of those post dream pinings.

I really cannot stand dreams like that.

I need to get rid of his hair, his tassel, and that card. Shits fucking me up. I want to do a cord cutting but it’s a lot of hoopla when I live with my mother.

You know what I really wish though? And I wish I could manifest it with no side effects or hidden traps? I just wish he would realize what happened between us. Like really feel every depth. All the depths that I felt. All the love. All the self-sacrifice. All the patience.

But it’s better without. I’m free of all the negative. Which also means I’m free of any positive, but still. In comparison it’s not worth it.

Nothing will ever be able to take back everything he did to me. Nothing could make me forget.

Maybe I need to forgive. Ugh.

[doitytoity]

3.31

Maybe it’s a guilty conscience because I know how I’ve felt about Vanessa in the past lol but I feel like she is trying to get back at me for like falling off? Or maybe with therapy she just realized I’m not actually that great lol

I think I am tho 😂😂😂 I’m cool. I’m chill the vast majority of the time, I’m funny, I like what I like, etc. I like myself. I think I would be a great partner if the other person put in effort as well. I’d be open to being fully honest with someone in a real personal intimate way. Someone I don’t feel icky with once i bear my soul. Someone who draws me to them.

I think that’s what my dreams are about. I’m trying to get to a feeling. Duh. But like that feeling of being adored (big puke that it was all an act like that’s devastating lol), the feeling of someone “being so in love with you it felt like you both could explode.” I don’t know how I shake that. It’s so hard to detach that feeling from him and his face. His form. Yuck. It’s like I can feel him at the core of me.

The drama lol BUT FOR REAL. That deep, fucking insatiable fire is inside me. I hate it. It is such a dirty feeling, and only gets dirtier when I remember the reality of the situation. I was being abused and really wanted it to be love.

Like he is not worth this. If we had not started that way, if I didn’t see it all as some bizarre cosmic interference to jack my shit up and shake me, I could leave it at that. But I have to acknowledge the depth of my attachment. I felt touched deep in my soul the moment I saw his PHOTO. And then again when we did mushrooms at the coast those two weekends. We bonded so much, really bore our souls to each other. Held each other and cried, confessed our love. It’s clear to see why it could have felt like he was worth it at some point, but I. Was. Being. Abused.

Looking back on it with it-was-all-at-the-very-least-a-very-long-act lenses makes it nasty. Pan out of what felt like a deep spiritual experience and you’ll see two sickly shroom-nauseated bodies tangled up for hours, trippin balls. Not two souls swimming in the ether, destined to swim forever.

Just meant to rip each other to shreds. Makes sense.

[doitytoity]

3.30

Koinda weeyd

I’ve been stretching a lot lately, especially trying to fix my neck, upper back, and hips. They really weren’t lying about trauma being stored in your hips. I haven’t cried but I do feel like I am unlocking a bunch of shit. Like letting it just fall off. There was something about the whole Hannah/izier thing that really shook me in a good way. It’s like oh man you jumped from that other girl to her and god knows who else after lolololol OHHHHH

And plus it’s HANNAH

And DOUBLE PLUS it’s fucking all all the way against that Israelite shit he was on

It’s like, oh shit you’re just a liar. Juuuuuust like low down slimy fucking slithery ass coward.

Disgust, not pain. Definitely a better understanding of how dirty people can be. I really frown on that method of survival especially with a child involved. I participated, which I shouldn’t have. But Jesus you don’t look at a single mom and go, naaaahhhh imma leave that one alone she’s got a lot going on already lol EEVVIIILLLL ASS LOW LEVEL DEMON

Such such such disdain. I really get a huge ick when I think about what a little bitch he was. Like I hate to sound like a 12 year old but he is a real life bitch.

And that’s why I smile!!!!!! Because omg my life is better I’m learning to take care of myself. Like really. Every step is a step.

[doitytoity]

3.28

Lol why did natalee comment on my post that was deffo about her lmaooo

And now Vanessa’s in the mix talking about “you’re not better than anyone” like girl shut the fuck up

I really struggle with Natalee because she acts like she doesn’t have this inflated sense of self but everything she tweets is like so fucking stuck up its so obnoxious like damn girl just let people like things

[doitytoity]

3.21

I’ll be damned if my subconscious isn’t beating the absolute FUCK out of me lately. I’ve been having very frequent Katie, lover, izier dreams for like…a while now. Months. Last nights was insane. I made the mistake of talking to him at a public event and then we talked and as we were he mentioned his new “wife” LMAO and I started punching his face over and over

Very weird. The night before that, he was treating me like a prisoner and when I told him to leave I could finally tell it was HIM and it was just so icky feeling. I hope this doesn’t mean he’s dreaming about me.

My dream last night fucked with me today. I feel like it was some kind of energetic test. Like to see if I would talk to him if given the opportunity. Hate it! So now I’m like afraid he’s gonna try to contact me.

Idk if I’ve mentioned this here but I believe I have severe c-ptsd from that whole thing. Anyway whatever.

Not much to say these days. I had the idea yesterday that since I love to hang so much, I should open a lounge. Or something to that degree. I could see myself doing that. I want to see myself doing that. I want to be my own boss. I want to be THE boss.

I also need a different job. But I want to make use of my free time to create things to possibly help fund the business.

Lots to consider.

[doitytoity]

2.9

I have been keeping busy organizing my room bit by bit, planning an ostara celebration trip to Arizona, and stretching/dancing in the morning during my first bits of my shifts. Oh also taking all my vitamins daily. I feel like I’ve been brighter lately. I’ve discovered pinkpantheress lol and she giving me life.

I’ve also been having a protein shake for breakfast every morning and that’s been great. I think I’ve already lost something like 5 pounds.

I can’t wait for my trip to the Grand Canyon. I see it as being a really happy and contented time, especially since I plan on taking creeper with me. I feel like a long trip like that will bond us and reinforce that I am her caretaker.

I’ve been doing research on where to camp for free and I’m feeling really confident.

I think I am going to buy a gun to be extra sure of my safety.

[doitytoity]

1.1

Idk if I will continue to post here. I am thinking of keeping journaling analog… but idk. Digital lives forever, maybe.

I found a new spot today. A park down the street from my house. I am going to fix up the back of my car to make like a little chill spot. I want to spend more time out and about. I need to take care of my room so that it always looks at least a little more presentable and functional, and then just….. be gone. Always in my car somewhere. I want to be gone on the weekends more. Camping out and gathering experience going it alone. I need a food cooler. Or I could just borrow one. Idk.

I need to make a go-bag of like art supplies to keep back there. I can take my laptop, a coloring book, my chair, even my cot on certain trips. I need to get my camping stuff out of storage.

Okay I just died. You can buy freeze dried meals on Amazon with ebt. Camping is about to be lit this spring.