dksdiary

[dksdiary]

Entry #5.

Hello again, almost a whole year later.

I can’t say it’s been good. It’s just been.. I guess.

My nephew(referred to as “Monkey”) passed away in February. To the fault of his parents. He was only 2 years old. It’s heartbreaking. I miss him. I wish I could’ve spent more time with him. I hold a lot of anger and I can’t really tell anyone about it without causing more harm.

My niece had a birthday party in March, the first one the Kid stayed and had fun during the entirety of. I was so proud of them. Bittersweet. Monkey wasn’t there, of course.

I don’t remember much after that I don’t think. Summer was very hard. I did everything I could to survive it. The Kid is non-speaking, and it’s hard to progress while they’re not in school. They’re up my ass all day, everyday when school isn’t in. Not long ago I got to go on a small trip to the beach. That seemed very healing. It seems I’ve been in a good mood since, but we just got approved for a house.

I’m excited of course, but the stress that comes with it is insane. We can barely afford the mortgage, a whopping $1500+, at 7%. I pray we’ll be able to refinance in a couple years. It’s gonna take most of our savings for the down payment and closing costs. I’m terrified we’ll go bankrupt. I have no option for childcare and am unable to get a job. I’m on all the waiting lists for delivery jobs. With the Kid in PK, hours are short. My only job option would be busting my ass at a factory third shift and never sleeping. I’ll do that when absolutely necessary, but for now I’d like to be a functioning human, and a good mother and spouse. Of course, we’re still living in a townhouse waiting for the inspection to pass, and the original homeowners to fix up some last minute things.

The positives are building equity. Being able to have a real home for my family. The Kid will have a backyard finally, and their own room. We’ll be able to make this home our own, and I’m ecstatic for that. In time I’ll be able to garden, have room for hobbies, decorate how I want. The city is building up quite a lot, and no mater what happens we ought to make money off this house. Whether we sell in a few years, or twenty.

The new me has been recovering the apartment from summer. It’s not going too bad. I need to do laundry and dishes once I get off here. Spot clean the pig’s cage. Charge the Kid’s Voice. Pray I remember to take my meds. I’m going to say tomorrow will be much better than today. Today was only negative thoughts and fears. I’m over it. Tomorrow is surveys for some quick cash. Maybe some yoga. Lord knows it’s been too long since I’ve practiced. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

Cheers to marijuana, the quick mood fixer upper.

[dksdiary]

Entry #4

The past couple days with the kid were great! I’m impressed I’ve had two good ones in a row because it just seems impossible these days.

Of course today had to end with some family stress though. Does anyone else feel like they’re the only responsible one in their family? And I’m not talking about the husband and the kid, I’m talking about my parents, siblings, and the dumbasses they decided to marry. And the fact that they all decided it was a good idea to procreate. Luckily I’ve ranted to my husband about it and I don’t necessarily feel the need to do that here, but I wish I wasn’t the kind of person who gave up my personal needs for my now extended family. It’s not fair to me, and in a way it’s not fair to my kid and my husband.

The good things are we’ve found something that helps with the kid holding spit in their mouth. And electric toothbrush helps them get some sensory input and they’ll spit for the husband. Kid won’t spit for me, but they are eating breakfast and dinner and that is such a relief. Eventually Kid will probably let me brush their teeth, so I’m seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Kid has also tried some new things the past couple days and had done great with listening. I’m so proud of them.

Here’s to some cleaning, a chapter book, and rest.

Until next time.

[dksdiary]

Entry #3

Today was better than yesterday I think. It ended on a good note, the husband got off of work two hours earlier than I thought he was going to. The kid had a good day at school, but Kid does this sensory seeking behavior that wares on the nerves and stresses me out. Kid holds spit in their mouth and refuses to eat or drink. They do this very often, and goes long periods without spitting or swallowing. This time Kid didn’t eat or drink for a full 24 hours. They will spit for the husband when he brushes their teeth before bed, but Kid wont for me. And husband works most of the day. The kid ate a lot tonight because the husband got off early, it all comes full circle. I’m just grateful they got food in their belly, even if it was greasy McDonalds.

I slept my free time away again today, and I’m not happy about that. I need to get chores done, and I need to spend my time wisely. I don’t want to get into the habit of sleeping while the kid is at school, or it’s all I’ll do. I know this because it’s what I did last year. The floor is not swept, mopped, or vacuumed. The dishes are not done. The toys need gone through, the counters need disinfected. The list goes on.

The good things of today are I got to do some writing. I’m writing a one shot, which I’ve never done before, but am very excited about. I love bringing a story to life. I’m not a practiced writer, I’ve always had a math brain. But I’ve also always been a reader, and a fan fiction reader at that. Today also went by fast, and even though the kid did that sensory behavior since they woke up, they had a great day at school, so that’s something.

The husband just came downstairs with the kid, so logging off it is. Here comes yoga, fanfiction, and maybe a smoke.

Until next time.

[dksdiary]

Entry #2

The last couple days were long. I’m glad they’re coming to a close and I can get some rest. The kid had school today so I at least got some time to myself, albeit a dentist appointment and sleeping my free time away.

I got a great report from the kids teacher, and that makes me very happy. The kid loves school, and it had been a couple of weeks since they’d been.

The husband on the other hand has been having a rough time at work lately, and that causes me stress. How I feel sometimes about being a SAHP is how he feels at work. Like it needs to be over now, like tired and no rest, like the end of the day will not come. We need therapy. Stress, anxiety, depression. I don’t know when it will end for either of us. Does it?

I’ve had this weird feeling about my life being a filler lately. You know how people say that turning 20 is a filler year, until big 21? Maybe that’s just my life. Waking up everyday, waiting until the moment I can lay in bed again.

Having said that, I think I’ve been doing good these past couple days with keeping my temper down. I’m trying to keep a hold of it all for the husband. He does everything he can for me on my bad days, and he deserves everything I can give. I love him.

The ups today were cleaning out the piggies cage, he seemed happy with new fleece. Getting my teeth cleaned makes me feel like I got a fresh start, especially since when I’m down dental care is the first thing to go, and lets face it. I’m down a lot. I got a shower today, and I get to look forward to some rest tomorrow when the kid goes to school.

Thanks for listening. Here comes water, writing, and reading fan fiction.

Good night.

[dksdiary]

Entry #1

Hello people of the internet.

I’ll take a moment to introduce myself. You can call me D.K. I’m a married, 24 year old, stay at home parent to a 4 year old autistic kid. My life is pretty bland to be honest with you. My typical day is taking care of the kid and waiting for the husband to get home. The kid usually goes to bed at a decent time and me and the husband rest how we can. Gaming, watching our tv shows, reading, whatever.

I spend a lot of time waiting for time to pass by.

We’re lucky to start with a good entry. Today me and the husband had a date night, which are typically few and far between. We ate out a couple of times and went go-karting. It was fun. The kid had a blast with their sitter and is currently being put to bed.

I feel good today. I got to sleep in and had time to unwind. It was a success.

I’m sitting on nerves for tomorrow because I hope its just as good. I have to get up early and get the kid across town to babysit my niece. The kid doesn’t like my siblings homes for some reason, and is on edge when we go there. I only hope it doesn’t take too long, and we can get out before they get too overwhelmed.

As of now I’m going to try to relax and let whatever be. I can’t control it, and there’s no reason to stress.

Here comes some yoga, a mug of earl grey, a chapter book, and some sleep.

I’ll see you tomorrow.