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The delulu is strong in me today

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Never thought I’d be one of the people that wants to be so skinny that people can tell I have an ED but I’m leaning towards it

#I tried maintaining but I gained and now I look back at the old photos at my lw and want to be even skinnier #maybe it’s just bc I want people to know without me having to tell them

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Literally what I’m going through rn. It’s so difficult to get back on track

Gaining all the weight back made me realize

Whatever you do, don’t start eating normal again. Just because you hit your GW doesn’t mean you eat everything you refused to eat when you were a HW. It. WILL. RUIN. You.

Unfortunately I did, and now I have to start all over again, and it’s honestly so hard. I feel like I have no control anymore. And I hate it. Don’t make the mistake I made, please.

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I finally got my calorie tracker to allow me to put the calories for losing weight instead of maintaining (I got locked out bc my BMI was too low)

now I know for future to use a different app to keep track of my weight

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So I went on holiday with my friends and one of the running jokes was they I was fragile bc I kept bruising so easily while we were there. In my mind I associate that with my ed but I wasn’t even restricting (and hadn’t been for like at least 3 weeks prior to going)

Another thing that was mentioned was my lack of boobs which is the one thing I really dislike about losing weight. It’s not even worth it yet bc my chest is the main area I’ve lost weight in.

I also weighed myself after I got back and I’ve gained like 4kg compared to my lw

I tried to start restricting again but I gave in so many times today. I ended up having more than I was before I actively tried to restrict.

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Except it was 1.5kg for me 😭

Not the random "look out bitch, you gained 2lbs overnight" on my scale this morning

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I’m back home and I’m literally scared to step on my scales. I don’t want to know how badly I’ve fucked this up

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All I want is to be loved [and to be underweight]

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Real tho

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Right now I literally cannot think of one thing that I like about myself. Not physically or mentally. Currently I seem to dislike everything about myself

#actually only thing I don’t dislike is my choice of friends but not sure I get the credit for that

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I’ve just had the realisation that this marks a year of me hiding a part of myself. Of hating my body so much in secret while pretending that I love it and that I love the progress that I’ve made. Pretending that oh I feel so much more comfortable in my body. So much more confident. When it was a lie. I feel slightly better but I want to keep going. I’ve told so many people oh yeah this is all I want to lose when in reality it’s not. I want to keep going but I’m scared. I think I might have had a mental block for both restricting and recovering bc I can’t do either properly rn

Crazy to think I’ve had this blog for a year

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I’ve been trying to ignore it but I’m getting close to anxiety attacks when I’m sitting down to eat a meal rn.

It’s not a good time rn bc I’m trying to both enjoy my holiday and make sure my friends don’t notice anything wrong with me

#well there’s a lot wrong with me but I don’t want them to know this at least

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Crazy to think I’ve had this blog for a year

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I dread to think what I’ve done to myself this past month.

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It’s ironic but my mental health was better when I was deeper into my eating disorder. My depression and anxiety was way higher before I started restricting and it’s started creeping in again now. Maybe it’s just rose tinted glasses tho but I’m not convinced

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I’ve been kind of trying to recover (idk how long it’ll last but I’m trying to be normal for now). I keep basically fighting with myself between wanting to not eat and wanting to constantly eat.

I’ve been doing the equivalent of resource guarding with food while also wanting to give it all away. I can’t be normal about it. But I can’t talk about it with anyone bc they wouldn’t understand

#it feels like I’m silently screaming and drowning and no one can tell

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I was considering recovery during my exams but tbh it just feels like a multiple week binge. I can’t control it I’m just constantly hungry. I finish eating and then I want to eat again like half an hour later. I want to go back to how I used to be. To be able to at least somewhat control myself but I’m going away with my friends in like 3 days and I know that being away with them will just make me want to eat anyway (especially bc it’s a country I’ve never been to before and I love trying food from new places and they already know that)