disadanpacarnya

[disadanpacarnya]

You should know that I’m thinking about you. But I dont wanna mess around with your feelings. As I have hurt you enough.

[disadanpacarnya]

I dont know which one is easier, to be with you or just to leave you. I’m more than glad that you’re around but I don’t like being protected or being under anyone’s control.

[disadanpacarnya]

[disadanpacarnya]

[disadanpacarnya]

I know life’s been so hard on everyone right now. Tapi hari ini aku cuma mau bersyukur dan berterimakasih. Aku lagi mikir2 banyak hal yang terjadi belakangan ini, dan selalu ada kamu. Dari hal yg bikin seneng sampe hal yang paling sedih kamu ada dan selalu bisa diandelin.

Kadang aku mikir, kalo ga ada kamu ini semua kaya gimana, karna banyak bagian dari hidup aku yang mungkin cuma kamu yg ngerti bahkan kadang aku sendiri pun enggak.

Aku gatau bgt mesti gimana caranya biar kamu jaga jarak sama aku, karna aju juga gak bisa nolak kehadiran kamu. Tapi dari semua usaha aku buat jauh ato gak hubungin kamu, akhirnya kamu juga yg ada waktu aku butuh.

Jadi mau gimanapun aku tetep selalu bersyukur karna kamu ada dideket aku 🥺

[disadanpacarnya]

Every little step matters! 🐢💕Little turtle believes in you to keep going!

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[disadanpacarnya]

Jakarta might be cloudy or even rainy, but here selat apa tau ini namanya, you can clearly see the stars.

There are some times where I wish that you were here just to witness what I see. Even though I know that you wouldn’t be as excited as I do.

Missing you is an irony. Knowing that I’m keeping the distance but at the same time I really wish that I was in your arms.

As the stars seeing how much I’m afraid right now because the ocean is raging, I’m sending lots of wishes for you and I hope that you’re not feeling the same thing and doing okay, more than that I really wish that you’re here 🫶🏼

[disadanpacarnya]

And it comes to the point where I miss you.

[disadanpacarnya]

I cant thank you enough for this though 🥺

[disadanpacarnya]

9 Nov.

You must be hating me so much right now (or missing me?) for not contacting you or saying hi or even sending random reels to your DM. But you have to trust me, not talking to you is hard for me too.

Tapiiiiiiii, I feel like this is something that we need. Aku gamau bareng terus. Aku gabisa bener2 ngerasa ini aku emang masih sayang apa emang nyaman aja ato emang jahat cuma mau manfaatin ato apa.

Up to this day I feel like an evil. Jahat bgt aku tuh, masih pake segala ngajak nonton konser, masih nginep bareng, masih minta tolong, masih ini itu padahal gamau balikan. Kan jahat. Walaupun kamu slalu blg “ya gapapa juga kan aku cuma berbuat baik juga” ya kira2 gt lah.

Jadi aku mau stop being jahat. Dengan apa? Ya ga terlalu ngeiyain kamu ato masih gelendotan sama kamu. Karna jatuhnya aku ngasih harapan padahal sebenernya rasa2nya masih ga ada harapan sejauh ini.

But really, not talking to you these past 4 days actually a good thing that we need to go through. So that I can also feel things better and think it through. I hope it goes well with you too!

[disadanpacarnya]

Sekarang tiap liat tempat photobooth jadi inget Angelo :(

[disadanpacarnya]

Speding Time With You

Is something that I am grateful for.

But out of all the comfort, the laughs and the fun there’s aaaaalways always something bugging me inside. I feel bad for being together and puting so much hope for you.

There is not only once but so many times I feel like the relationship we had will not be repeated again in the future. The distance we had since May, opens up my eyes and puts me into a different perspective.

It’s like I can see the relationship from the third person’s perspective. Judging what we had and see how it went also what we tried to aim along with the amount of efforts we did to get there. And I realised that there were a lot of flaws that we didn’t even realize and never tried to mend.

Learning from the past, seeing each of our personality, how we tried to solve problems, I would say that I’m quite a pessimistic person, and sadly I don’t have faith in us anymore.

I hate how I keep on saying yes to all of your kindness as it made me a bad person while you responded that with another kindness which is even bigger. It again spotlighted me as an evil in front of anyone’s eyes.

Deep inside my heart the only thing that I know for now is I want you to be happy on your own.

I want you to also think about the worth in holding onto something that you don’t even know where it is going.

I know you want to always be there for me and do whatever you can do right now. But bigger than that, do you even know what is the exact thing that you need to do? Have you ever wondered what are the values that you gain if you ended up with me? Have you ever tried to analyze what made things gone wrong? Have you ever seen how the previous relationship looked like and what are the things needed to be done?

I’d say, you better spend more time with yourself or others to get some different point of view.

[disadanpacarnya]

This was something.

How come we never have done this before?

[disadanpacarnya]

No matter what happened or how many times you've told me that you're not the right home. It always feels like home when I'm with you.

[disadanpacarnya]

[disadanpacarnya]

Life Update 19/07

Still dont know whether you're reading this or not.

But hey there!

I hope that you're all fine. I saw your post earlier. And I see that you try to get along with life! I'm soooooooo proud and relieved. At least we got to enjoy the time with others knowing that we're no longer together. Mau bilang di foto itu kamu lucuuuuuuk. Dan pas liat, lagi-lagi, menyadari kalo aku sekangen itu. tapi tidak untuk dijadikan bahan untuk balik ngobrol lagi. aku kaget juga pas buka puta, tbtb yg pertama nongol story kamu dan baru bbrp detik yg lalu di post.

Aku mau cerita banyak. termasuk bagian2 dari aku yang berusaha move on. terakhir kan aku blg aku chat ama orang yg aku yakin 100% gak akan jadian. skg dia ngechat pake panggilan sayang. aku langsung ngerasa harus mundur lagi. lagilagi aku sadar aku ga siap dengan hal-hal seperti ini.

Aku kmren diendorse bobobox btw. akhirnya! aku nginep sendiri di kota tua hahahaha. sblmnya aku hangout ama ciwi2, bener2 stress release karna angel juga baru putus dan galau abis. aku minum seminum-minumnya sampe dead. nyanyi teriak2 kaya orang gila sampe nangis dipeluk semua orang. kemarin ada lagu you're my everything, aku ngerasa entah kenapa kita nempel banget sama lagu yg sebahagia itu, tapi itu yg bikin aku paling hancur semalem same nangis ga karuan. berkali kali denger lagu sedih di live music berkali2 aku nangis, ketawa2 ngetawain hidup kenapa bisa kaya gini, nangis lagiiiiiii. udah gitu2 ajaaaa.

angel ama jeo berantem pas pulang gara2 angel ngajak bang melvin + 1 cowo gatau siapa dan tiba2 dua2nya nongol. memang angel bukan main tuolollllll, tp jeo juga marah2 sendiri jadi agak nyebelin juga, tapi ya tau lah ya dia emang gituuuuuu.

belakangan ini I got to do the things that you forbid me to do. Aku ngelakuin hal2 seru sampe hal tolol yang diantaranya pasti bakal marah2 kalo tau ataupun kecewa banget kalo sampe kamu tau ini. tapi aku ngerasa itu bagian dr pelampiasan aja dan akhirnya mikir "wooohooooo kalo sama angelo gue gabisa gini" jadi tetap berusaha menghibur diri dari ketololan ketololan yang terjadi :)

people been asking about you again. beberapa orang terdekat yg baru tau kalo kita putus ternyata sesedih itu. aku ampe dinasehatin "semua orang bisa salah, kita yg tua2 aja udah nikah masih banyak kesalahan. angelo itu orang baik, mungkin akan susah cari orang yang bisa gantiin posisi dia" itu aku bener2 speechless aja dan sedih lagi untuk yg kesekian kalinya.

aku diingetin darta berulang2, jangan cari pelampiasan dari laki-laki manapun. gak akan nemu apa yg aku butuh. emang bener sih. aku harus cari kegiatan lain selain bekerja yang akan bantu ngedistract. tp aku belum tau apaaaa.

jujur liat foto kamu, aku kangen lagi lagi dan lagi. aku gatau somewhere down the line kita akan ketemu lagi ato enggak. tapi aku seneng bgt ngeliat kamu keliatan seneng. walaupun kalo org blg "gamungkin angelo galau! kan dia begitu", aku ttep dalem hati bilang kalo aku yakin kita bedua hancur sehancur2nya. tapi kita berusaha kuattttt. berusaha untuk bisa bangkit lagi, ketemu orang lagi.

yang paling penting buat aku saat ini dan yang selalu ada di doa aku, biar kamu bahagia walaupun gak sama aku lagi. dan aku juga bisa kaya gitu.

sekali lagi, semangat kitaaaaaa!

[disadanpacarnya]

Mungkin cintanya aku udah berkurang, tapi kenangan-nya masih banyak dan bolakbalik warawiri dikepala.