dinitian

[dinitian]

tentang seberapa kuat seorang dapat bertahan

di tengah badai, petir, ombak besar, gempa bumi bahkan virus mematikan

sesungguhnya kekuatan yang ada di dalam diri yang sok kuat berasal dari Allah semata

bukankah jika sok kuat justru tidak percaya pada Allah yang Maha Kuat untuk menguatkan kita?

bukankah Allah tidak menguji hambaNya jika yang bersangskutan tidak kuat menopang?

menjadi lemah, rapuh, luruh sesungguhnya adalah bentuk lain dari percaya. bentuk lain dari kuat itu sendiri.

terima kasih, diri. sudah bersabar dalam deraian ujian yang sungguh tidak kecil ini. sudah bertahan walau compang camping untuk tetap percaya. bahagia akan tiba.

Allah selalu bersama. percayalah.

Yogyakarta, Sechszehnten Zwölften 23.

#selfreminder

[dinitian]

thirty! well plus one. LOL

thank you for keeping yourself sane. thank you for always having hopes. thank you for hanging in there. you've passed another year with yeah njungkir njempalik gulung kuming BUT YOU ARE SURVIVE.

mami adik might not say happy birthday today, maybe they are too busy and happy with Nadim. it is okay, you still have Qenis to say it. one of your bestfriend asked you about that horrible thingy. another one just tagged you in instagram that she reread the book you gave over and over.

din, you are blessed. it might be the craziest thing youve decided lately. but in the end of the day you did. it is okay. you will find a way or another.

cheer up! and yeah, happy birthday din. HAPPY birthday :)

[dinitian]

Hello again, you. Yes you din. Yourself.

It is quite odd to write this to say halo to myself but i still do it anyway. Life's update is as fucked up as i can imagine it would be. I created some messes here and there. Trying to renavigate things. Continue podcasting my life away. Staying my face expression still as flat as i can make it be.

After all din, thank you for hanging there. Thank you for not giving up lifting yourself up. Thank you to always going forward while fixing the mess.

As i saw the sun going to set this evening, i realized on something that we can not control. How meticulous you are planning things, having another B C D - Z alternatives, if it doesnt meant to be then it will never happend.

How fast i try to capture the sun on my camera phone the way i want it, i would never get the perfect photo. Well yo soale camera hpku elek ae se 😅 well anyhow, it is what it is.

Still try wanting to flip the very last page on my latest book, yes Becoming Michelle Obama ku durung bar bar. Plis! But i made it in 14 pages so far today.

Looking forward on what will head me through the long weekend. Gonna have my cheeky niece around, my 8 month pregnant sister and my brother as well.

Schönes langes Wochenende, everyone! 🤍

[dinitian]

To keep on writing.

I suddenly want to remind myself the aiming of having this tumblr account was to keep stories on daily life in storage.

I may not regularly post something here, but it is certain that i do mean every single word i put into paragraphs in this page. Moments, tragedies, issues and all that i have been through was well written pack on archive divided on each month of the year.

back on 2011 when a very good friend of mine told me to make a blog. because i love reading novels and telling stories. LOL. she might be thinking, you better write those shits of yours in a blog rather than talking non stop since day until night. well then i made this tumblr account. danke dir, Zera! it has been hella 12 years of me pouring up my crowded mind in this blue app.

i recently diving myself in the ocean words by Michelle Obama on her Becoming. thus it still on 100th page. waaay more to go until i can wrap up the book. at the same time, i read on Instagram that Vivy Yusof will have a signing book event on Jakarta soon. she is a Malaysian mom of 4, an entrepeneur herself and lately a writer. i followed her on IG since century ago. means i know the writing process of her first book. oh Gott. i really wanna have one copy!

long story short, i want to keep on writing on this page as I dream of writing my own book in the next future. i dont want to make it big like everyone has to read it or the book should be on top of bookshelf labeled BEST SELLER. oh no, i humbly just want to keep my mementos of life on a book so that my children and grandchildren can at least take something from it.

writing this on the train. to go back to my home. to the very east corner of Java. will see you again next time. tschüß!

[dinitian]

Nggak apa-apa untuk mengakui bahwa diri sendiri lelah, kelelahan dengan hidup yang menyesakkan setiap harinya. Hari demi hari yang ingin cepat berlalu, tidur menjadi waktu istirahat meski tak lagi ingat kapan tidur nyenyak. Senyenyak dulu. Dulu waktu menjalani hidup ini dengan penuh rasa bahagia dan khawatir, tapi tetap dijalani dengan penuh rasa percaya. Rasa itu kini telah mati, bertahun lalu, saat perjalanan ini dimulai. Memulai jalan yang salah.

Salahnya aku tak berpikir panjang. Panjang anganku mengalahkan rasionalitasku untuk lebih bijak. Kebijaksanaan yang saat itu belum tumbuh dalam diriku yang penuh energi tapi tidak hati-hati. 

Nggak apa-apa untuk mengakui bahwa diri ini sangat lelah. Terlalu banyak masalah, mau kembali tapi tak memiliki rumah. Merasa arus kuat, meski tidak tahu harus ke mana dengan masalah yang serumit ini. Dan berbohong terus menerus setiap harinya, mengatakan bahwa hidupku baik-baik saja.

Tak hanya ke orang lain, tapi juga diriku sendiri. ©kurniawangunadi

[dinitian]

first anniv

365 days ago was exactly our very fisrt video on YouTube published. while munching kerupuk of my nasi goreng pete ikan asin, i write this all down here. my thought was on right to the point of one reason why i agreed my sister to do this. oh dear dini, you passed these two hella years.

only me and God know who what the tragedy was. oh my dear God, thank you for making me go this far. keeping me sane. holding me on this faith i have since baby. giving me those lovely and understanding people around.

you have to be proud on yourself for hanging on that enormous wave disaster. thank you, din! 

oh and happy first anniversary Dini and Juju 🫰🏻

[dinitian]

from A to Z

this past few months made me forget that i have tumblr. i have this media for me to pour all my feelings. a lot of things happened. uncountable. wkwk lebay. but it indeed yes, it really is a lot.

I got myself sent my CV in one of the biggest Islamic Boarding School in East Java. And just like that I went on the very last step of the process. After that stage, I can just wait the time to teach in class next June. But things happen, the ridiculous one. Right after I recite my bacaan solat plus doa qunut for Sholat Subuh, one of the teacher reqruitment team told me to follow her to Headmaster Office. Well I said to myself feeling so smug, this must be something special. Voila! The Headmaster himself told me with a sour smiley face, we are very sory that we can not accept you join us this June.

I answered awkwardly, well thank you for giving me chance until this phase then. I hope we can (not) work on some other time. BHYE. Wkwk. Curiosity do kill the cat. I asked the teacher, the one whom sitted near the Headmaster, what is the reason. Is it because of my bacaan sholat? She answered me not but a shy awkward smiley nod. HELL YEAH.

WTH. I cursed at myself. Yelled loudly in my heart that only me could hear it. Oh my holy crap, I know that the school is based with NU, one of Islam Organization here in Indonesia. The biggest one. In other hand, I was told since kid in my elementary school which is SD MUHAMMADIYAH that bacaan sholat dari takbir sampai salam ya seperti itu. There is a different bacaan sholat here between NU and MD. AND JUST BECAUSE OF THAT I WAS REJECTED. NOT BECAUSE OF MY CAPABILITY DOING MY JOB BUT BECAUSE MY BACAAN SHOLAT.

Funny enough, tho? It is very hilarious until i laugh my ass off and it left pain in the ass. Look, you made a program for your students since grade 10-12 in high school to get B1 Certificate, so after that they can go to grad school in Germany. Well, yeah.. gausah jauh-jauh ke Jerman kalau nerima guru harus sama persis sis plek ketiplek NU, yang bacaan sholatnya pakai doa iftitah kabiro, bukan allahumma bait baiyni. 

Once your students enter Germany or another hella country out there, they will see not only so many Mahzab in Islam but also thousands of different hella people doing shits of their life. Come on, I know who am I writing all this down here CALMLY bubbling butts, but yeah.

I wish you all the BEST LUCK. And the best of all our understanding towards each other. Habib Jafar once said in his latest video with Prof Magnis Suseno, being a tolerance people doesnt mean we believe different thing of what other’s do, it is what human do. I strongly guess, human only do and believe the most true thing come from the deepest heart. And that doesnt need any kind of theories of tolerance shitty. We just be kind. Human is kind.

[dinitian]

akankah berubah

"mbak, apakah laki-laki itu akan berubah setelah menikah?" tanya seorang adik. saya diam sebentar, coba memilih jawaban yang paling tepat--sesuai pengalaman dan pengamatan.

toh akhirnya, saya hanya bisa bilang yang sering dibilang orang. "pernikahan nggak akan mengubah siapa-siapa, baik laki-lakinya maupun perempuannya. alih-alih, pernikahan menunjukkan jati diri seseorang. jadi, jangan berharap seseorang akan berubah karena pernikahan. kalau sebelum menikah saja ada bagian yang sulit diterima, setelah menikah--kemungkinan besar--akan lebih sulit lagi bagian itu bisa diterima."

saya berpikir lagi. lebih lama sekarang.

"tapi pernikahan juga membuat baik si laki-laki maupun si perempuan bertumbuh lebih dewasa. mungkin di sana bedanya berubah dengan bertumbuh. mengubah seseorang itu seperti membengkokkan atau mematahkan dahan. sementara, bertumbuh bersama seseorang itu seperti dahan-dahan yang semakin panjang ke arah datangnya cahaya matahari. bertumbuh bersama itu alami dan tanpa usaha."

[dinitian]

Nanti, kita lihat hujan di tempat lain. Boleh berteduh, berlarian pun tidak akan ada yang melarang.

[dinitian]

dezember

i felt so small. there was so many creators with millions subs. look at me with just 400 ish subs. "dont underestimate 400 people who already subscribed to watch you. it is a lot." he said.

it was a glimpse of our conversations in between maghrib and isya time. in a coffee shop. in the middle of Park Hyatt and Sarinah. just around 40 mins before we rushed to the station. to get his maghrib time in last 10 mins before isya.

weve spent time together in about 2 hours. went to taste his fav coffee. ordered cinnamon roll. talked each other's life update, even it was almost me who was starting to chat. he prayed maghrib. we also bumped into a basic-stranger-dialogue with a humbled 70 years old man in front of Mushola St Gondangdia. less than 3 minutes came our train.

we talked not that as much as we chat in any social media platform. we just, well me personally, absorbing the time we shared. was being mindfull and thought a lot at the same time. about me, him.

i forgot already what weve discussed and bickered, but his gula jawa latte and cinnamon cake insist to stay forever in my head.

an afternoon late well spent, dear friend.

[dinitian]

keluar kotak

maybe it has been too long for me to not seeing the beauty outside the box i am in. been so long.

well, i tried once on last July. i dragged myself out, for a second. but i just realized that it was not freeing myself on whatever trapped me now. it was indeed a relieve. but not relieved. 

my last trip in these past two weeks got me thinking a lot. a very good friend of mine, she thought me something I believe strongly about my feelings. but then later that I know, I did buried them. it was an Aha! moment. okay i will do it soon.

i also filled my love tank by visiting my bestest friend. we did planed something for so long. trip for just us two. well three, when her sister wanting to be included :) i felt like one of our (my) promises are paid. cash. even if it is not like what we wanted to be. i am sure it was not that bad.

thank you for those who are always supporting me. thus who are always meeting me in our own prayers every 5 times a day. you know who you are. i love you. hope time will make us meet in the near future.

love,

d

[dinitian]

Cuma ganti urutan kata, tapi beda banget hasilnya

Gue pertama tahu mindset ini dari @pandji.pragiwaksono

Dulu banget jaman masih rajin nulis di blog, bang pandji bikin seri tulisan “Susah, Tapi Bisa” buat mendokumentasikan perjalanan mempopulerkan stand up comedy di Indonesia. Seri tulisan yang akhirnya dikumpulkan jadi buku Merdeka Dalam Bercanda.

Inti pola pikirnya gini

Pola pikir pertama itu realistis, lalu pesimis. Bilangnya “bisa”, tapi setelahnya diikuti alasan: “Tapi susah” .

Bayangin deh nada bicara dan mimik muka orang yang ngomong “Bisa, tapi susah” .

Kerasa banget kan pesimisnya. Gue sih akan sulit berharap dapet hasil maksimal dari orang yang bilang kata-kata ini. Termasuk diri gue sendiri

Sementara pola pikir kedua itu realistis, lalu optimis

Bayangin deh nada bicara dan mimik muka orang yang ngomong “Susah, tapi bisa”

Rasanya lebih tenang. Orang ini tahu jalannya ga akan gampang, tapi ada harapan dan semangat juang

Sama orang kayak gini, kita bisa berharap banyak. Karena mindsetnya pejuang

Gue lagi berusaha terus buat konsisten menerapkan pola pikir kedua

Karena apapun yang kita hadapi dalam hidup:

Susah, tapi pasti bisa — view on Instagram https://ift.tt/HOzm0A3

[dinitian]

perjalanan ke barat. mencari kitab suci. kek biksu dan sunggokong dan yg hidungnya mirip pig itu.

yak, drama perjalanan kali ini diawali oleh kunci kosan yg segebok itu tertinggal di kantor. gupuh lah ya kita guys. terus sok yakin kalau kuncinya masih nyantol di pintu kamar. oke kita cabs plg kosan langsung. eh ladalah ora ono, kunci tidak nyantol. ole sekarang ke tukang kunci. keburu jamnya mepet, selak ditinggal bis. alrighty. jeng jeng, kang kunci udah pulang karena udah sore. hahah *ketawasarkas. mbaliklah kita ke kosan, cari ilham apa yang harus dilakukan selanjutnya.

breath in. breath out. oke, ide selanjutnya adalah cap cip cup kembang kuncup gambling nelpon orang kantor nanyain apakah tertinggal disana. dengan keyakinan kuat dalam hati kalau kunci udah jatoh entah di jurang mana. *ringing* *calling orang kantor* oh kunci yang banyak gaada gantungan kuncinya ini ya? Ada disini. Elah nervös amat mau naik Bus Hello Kitty. Syalan. Tapi terus ngakak.

fine. Now pack your belongings into your bag. Gamau tau harus muat di ransel mini dan tas jinjing kecil ini. Jangan lupa bawa folded bag utk jaga-jaga. Rancel checked. Tas jinjing, ehmm belum checked. Jajan oleh-olehku kok ora muat sih. Gusti Allah. Baiklah, setelah agak dipenet dikit, alles gut. Alles klar.

37 menit sebelum bus berangkat. Gojek udah start jalan menuju tujuan yg kurleb 20 menit saja paling lama. Karena jarak dekat. Namun menjadi tidak karena jalan agak padat. Well yeah. Setelah mendekati titik tujuan, pak gojek jalan terus agak menjauhi titik. Lalu beliau sadar sendiri dan berujar, "Kayaknya kebablas, mbak." 🙄 udah agak jauh sih pak. Markiputbal. Mari kita putar balik. Hft. Tibalah di tempat tepat 5 menit sebelum bus berangkat. Got sei Dank.

waw Bus Hello Kitty ini dalamnya selucu cover. Kek bus pariwisata. Ehm. Lapar. Sore udah makan. Tapi ternyata hamba agaknya kemasukan angin. Terus pas berhenti di rest area, ngide beli minyak kayu putih biar hangat. Wkwk. Kok tidak membaik ya, anginnya gamau keluar. Lalu teringat seorang bulek pernah bersabda jika di tempat dingin, "Bukan minyak kayu putih, Mbak. Tapi minyak telon. Itu adikmu lak mesti gitu." Huaa. Ingetnya setelah minyak kayu putih telah terblonyohi. Baique.

uw. 5 paragraphs. Long enough. Mentang-mentang besok mau ada SA. Hm. Okay. I dont expect me writing this long. It is just me having so many thoughts in my little head. Trying to urai it. Wkwk. Sitting ten hours on the bus bring me all things that have been happened popping up one by one. Got me count my blessings. Which NEVER EVER BE COUNTED. Allah The Almighty really love me in so many ways possible.

mama bapak. My big (but still small for me) brother. My vermissende niece. My beloved closed friends. Meiner liebe Freundeskreis. My late work. My students. My sweet Kollegin. My purpose in life. MY HOLY WHOLE LIFE. udah capslock banget ga tuh. wkwk.

hft. Istighfar. Hamdalah. Nyebut, din. Sholawat. Ngaji.

alhamdulillah perjalan kali ini bikin nambah pahala (pede abis!). What about you guys? Lama juga ga balik nulis. Feel relieved. Alhamdulillah. Hope everything went and will well ya. Even after storm there will rain, jarene gitu rek. 😃

tetap putus asa. Jangan semangat.

love,

D

[dinitian]

Fokus

Dia : Eh, kenapa sih kamu nggak dengerin kata orang. Rigid banget sama keputusanmu!

Aku : Kenapa enggak?

--------------------------------

Dia : kenapa sih kamu malah pulang kampung, kan sayang sarjananya...

Aku : kenapa enggak?

--------------------------------

Dia : kenapa kok kamu pilih dia sih...

Aku : kenapa enggak?

--------------------------------

Dia : kenapa kamu malah sibuk mencari jati diri sih, orang-orang seumuranmu lho udah nikah, udah bisa beli ini itu.

Aku : kenapa enggak?

---------------------------------

Dia : kenapa sih kamu kaku banget, prinsap prinsip, jadi susah tau idupmu... mau nikah aja calonnya harus begini begitu, haduhhh..

Aku : kenapa enggak?

---------------------------------

Dia : kenapa sih kamu mau berkorban segitunya?

Aku : kenapa enggak?

Sepanjang kita tahu ada tujuan yang kita kejar dan itu sangat berharga buat kita, tahu jalan yang kita tempuh, kenal sama konsekuensi. Jalani aja, kenapa enggak.

(c)kurniawangunadi

[dinitian]

Cerpen : Pertanyaan Kenapa

Aku belum juga menikah bukan karena aku gak mau, bukan pula karena gak ada yang mau. Aku masih harus bekerja dan fokus sama keluargaku, utang keluargaku nggak sedikit. Bahkan aku bertahan di pekerjaan yang membuatku begitu tertekan, aku betah-betahin karena aku butuh uangnya. Keluargaku tidak siap untuk masuk ke dalam fase baru, melihat anaknya menikah meskipun ibu seringkali bertanya dan menyuruh-nyuruhku untuk segera; malu sama tetangga, katanya. Aku belum mau menikah sampai aku merasa latar belakangku sudah kubenahi. Aku belum punya anak juga bukan karena aku menunda, aku ingin sekali. Tapi kan anak tidak bisa dibeli di supermarket, yang kalau punya uang bisa tinggal belikan saja. Aku dan pasangan sudah bolak balik rumah sakit untuk menyembuhnya penyakitnya, ada sakit yang tak bisa aku jelaskan satu per satu, toh kalian juga nggak akan nyumbang buat membiayainya, cuma kepo aja. Apalagi, kalau tahu, nanti kalian malah sibuk menyuruhku untuk menceraikannya dan menikah dengan yang lain saja, yang lebih sehat. Kupahami, memang di otakmu pernikahan hanya dipikir untung rugi aja, bukan hubungan saling mengasihi dan menyayangi.  Aku bekerja di sini itu bukan karena aku gak diterima di mana-mana. Aku ingin menjaga bapakku yang tinggal sendiri. Meski katamu sayang ijazahnya, sayang udah disekolahin tinggi-tinggi ujung-ujungnya jadi guru PAUD. Gaji nggak seberapa, rugi sekolahnya udah bayar mahal-mahal. Kalian aja yang gak tahu kalau sebelum aku ambil keputusan jadi guru di desa ini, aku sudah diterima di perusahaan multinasional. Gak jadi kuambil karena aku kasihan sama bapakku kalau kutinggal sendiri. Nanti kalau aku tinggal bapakku, katanya aku kurang ajar dan gak kasihan sama orang tua karena ditinggal sendirian di rumah, kalau sakit gimana? kalau mau mati, gimana? Aku kayak gini tu bukan sepenuhnya hal yang kuinginkan, kalau kubunuh rasa peduli dan rasa cinta, pasti aku abaikan semuanya, kutinggalkan semuanya dan aku akan kejar apa yang aku mau mau gimanapun caranya. Tapi, gara-gara kalian sering tanya kenapa, yang tadinya aku sudah bulat dengan segala keputusanku, kini terkikis juga rasa syukurku.  Kalau nanti di pengadilan Tuhan aku ditanya kenapa rasa syukurku sedikit, kutuntut kalian satu persatu karena telah merusak rasa syukurku tersebut karena terlalu sering bertanya kenapa padahal aku tak pernah meminta pendapatnya. ©kurniawangunadi

[dinitian]

memorabilia

that big grey roof in the picture got me thousand of memories back crawling into my head. they rush over to get pop first, one is the happiest, other is the most sour one or else, the bitter one. my dad used to get us three going thru under the train hangar (that big roof over there) on foot rather than by car or becak :D to go to mbah uti's house.

right in front of that building is the complex of my grandparents. that is why. all i remember is the slippery black oily alley along the way. that was in between trains which is needed to be fixed. oh my holy dear God, what a beautiful period of time it was. and still is.

both my grandpa and grandma live now in heaven. for some law rules, that only inherited children can live in that house, we lost our string attached on that memorable old holandish house. how i really miss to go in there. just to recall my mesmerizing memories of my old Nanny :') just to feel as if she asked me to bring her water, or when she has already been cooked for me wanting me to eat immediately.

how i still vividly remember the time when my aunt just arrived from the hospital after gave birth to her first born son. the atmosphere in that big main bedroom. my nephew's first poop, ew 💩🙈 and not to forget the happy (and softened) feeling we had. his father were still in Papua for work, so that my bulek should have been given birth with no presence of her husband.

and just like that twelve years later now. my dear God. thank you for giving me the ability to save those memories packed on. neatly in boxes, stacking up in one big folder named Mbah Hadi.

you know I always hug you both in my prayers. and by the time i am writing this, i know you watch from above that your daughter now is walking around Kabah doing tawaf. mbah kung, mbah ti, i missed and still missing you.

♡ always

D

[dinitian]

a complex feeling it is. nothing feels more painful than the burden memories you thrown away years years ago suddenly pooped up. it makes you tearing up and the worst is the grief of something you can not figure it yet, follows arround.

there is so many things in life that do not have furthure explanation to be understood. it is just it is. it is the way it is. aging is not only you have to have more skincare to avoid those wrinkles on your face, right? it is also to have more 'well yeah, i know.' when you actually know nothing and want to know more but do not have any right to ask.

oh Allah, me and all of my curiousities and my sotoy theories of every single thing in life. I beg Your mercy. You are The One Who Knows All The Thing In Life never fail me to stop loving and admiring You.

Oh God, i really do not know what am i writing about now. But i know You know. Forgive me, God.