diaryofi-blog

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I love you more today. 

(he sent me a text message of exactly what I wanted to “hear”)

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7/10/2017

There’s just so much to say. I’m here, almost two years later, to talk about how I’m feeling right now. O said my mind is probably muffled right now and I think that’s exactly right-- thoughts and ideas fogging up other thoughts and ideas. There’s just so much going on. Actually, if I step back for a second, it’s not bad at all, but my brain hurts from thinking “what if...”

I am going into my third year of college now. I’ve been doing very well in school. My lowest grade is a B- from my first semester (which I regret so much). I started out thinking I’ll do pre-med, but changed my mind shortly after tasting college life. I thought there;s no way I can stay in school for THAT long. 4 years undergrad. 4 years med school, 4 residency, and maybe a few more for a fellowship or whatever. I quickly changed over to pre-nursing, thinking I could continue my education after my bachelor’s to become a CNM. I was solid on this decision for a while and I was romanticized by the idea of becoming a midwife. Imagining working as a midwife and picturing my lifestyle with children and my boo. I applied and was not accepted into the program. I should have applied to more schools but it’s too late to talk about “should have”

I remember reading my letter of declination while walking to campus one day, and I couldn’t believe my eyes. SubhanAllah, God knows why this happened. I was heartbroken for a week, but picked myself up and found another route to pursuing a career in women’s health. I knew a little bit about PA, so I did some searching and decided “oh well.” I was not as passionate about doing PA as I was with midwifery, but applying to the nursing program again would be a waste of time since I had finished all of my pre-reqs and gen-eds. Right now I’m signed up for PA’s pre-reqs and some public health classes, since that is my new but undeclared major. 

I prayed istikhara a few hours ago asking Allah about doing PA school. I sound so dramatic over this but it’s something that’s been bugging me for weeks and months. Medicine? PA? Nursing? Which route do I take. I’ve somewhat given up on nursing; PA seems most reasonable but I don’t have the passion for it; and medicine is the longest and scariest but I would LOVE to become a doctor. 

Letting go and letting God on this one. 

Speaking of which, I’m been so off track with my deen lately. It’s messing with me so much. I think this is why I feel so down so easily. I feel like I have nothing going on without Allah in my life. Allah is my source of life. I need Him. I need to remember that always. This Ramadan went by so quickly and I did not utilize my time wisely during it. I couldn’t even cry during prayer. I tried so hard. Why is this happening? What am I doing wrong...

If I wasn’t babysitting this summer, I would definitely travel to see baba. I miss him a lot and I think being in Jordan will give me the alone time that I need. I need to clear out my thinking and that muffled mind O was talking about. I need to find myself again. I’m not happy with the person I am right now. I told my self today that I’d focus on these three things: patience, anger, and talents. I easily get into arguments with my family over petty things because of my anger and lack of patience. I also need to be more patient with O. He does some things that really irk me, but he is also so amazing to me. The last one is random, but I need to find my talents.. or even hobbies. I’m doing camp this year (cmp l-hll) as a counselor. I’m happy they accepted me this year and O said that this will help me. I look forward to that one week of natural space with new people. I imagine it will be refreshing... I hope. 

O is boo. He is kind, polite, respectful, respected, funny (omg. the laughs we have are crazy), handsome, sweet. There are also things that I wish were different. I wish he was more demanding with his family, I wish he’d let stupid things that people do slide, I wish he spoke better Arabic, I wish he’d put me first before anyone. Sometimes I think about us not happening but it makes me very uncomfortable. I love him. So much. My bear :)

Our 1st year anni was two days ago. Alhamdillah. May Allah continue to bless our marriage eternally. May Allah help us grow as better individuals, Muslims, and spouses. May Allah give us wonderful children one day. 

Since Ramadan, I’ve been trying to be healthy. It’s somewhat successful, but I can do way better. I want gains!

There’s still so much more to say, but I’m now realizing how crazy it is that two years ago, things were so different. I’ve met new people, I’m engaged, I’m trying to figure out my life. SubhanAllah. I love you God. 

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Forgot to say this too...

....also I really want my parents to get back together. iA YA RAB! 

OH S3 GOT MARRIED!!! AND she’s pregoooo. I’m so happy alhamdillah! I’m gonna be a khalto! I will love her baby like he/she is my own. Can’t wait for her her to start showing. But shh.. it’s still a secret! Life is amazing. Pregnancy is amazing. [Midwifery or OB/Gynecology] is amazing.. #oneday

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10/31/2015

WOW ITS BEEN A WHILE. 6 months. This blog has crossed my mind several times over the period of 6 MONTHS but i never did anything about it. Hmm.. Where do I start?

I’ll continue off my last blog post. My dad came to my graduation! It was an amazing experience. Having both my parents with me at a very important milestone in my life. Wish I had taken more pics though. My dad ended up staying here for more than two weeks. I think he was here for two months? I miss him so so so much. I wish we spoke more. I need him in my life. I remember when he left, I cried like a baby on his fancy blazer and made it yellow from the wet concealer on my sad face.. oops. And I cried all the way back home. Ughhhh waynak baba?

The rest of my summer was alright. Actually I don’t remember anything significant from it besides my cousins arriving from Jordan. They live here now and it’s great having cousins nearby. We always have a good time. aH.

I got my FIRST CAR on the first day of school! Nissan Altima hayyyyyy!! Alhamdillah it’s a simple but great car. I’m grateful.

College started. I think it’s the third month in? Mid-terms just passed. So far I’m loving it. I feel responsible and independent. I love that feeling. I’m taking school more seriously than I did in high school. I hope only to strive and become a better student iA. My next goal is to join an association/ club or two. I want to meet new people. So far I met this guy ---bg--- in my lab class. He’s so smart and cute but such an asshole dammit. The MSA isn’t cutting it though. I’m not enjoying it as much as I thought I would-- such a disappointment. Speaking of which, I need to get my spiritual game back in check. I feel like without Allah my life is so dull and there’s not point to living. Need to work on my prayers and I really need to attend more lectures and read more Quraan. Ya Allah, I ask You to guide me to the right path and only bring me closer to Your deen. 

Ya muqalib al-quloob, thabit qalbi 3ala deenik.

Soooo yeah, that’s basically what’s been up for the past 6 months. The commute to the D sucks btw! But I can’t imagine living anywhere else but here and at the same time can’t imagine going to any other school. I’ll figure it out during winter semester! Before tumblr, I was writing an essay on the Syrian refugee crisis. Ya Allah be with all those who love you and are suffering. I have a meeting tomorrow, so I need to sleep early cos I also want that one extra hour of sleep-- day light saving ends. GOOD NIGHT. 12:00 AM

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Y’all can’t just pick and choose what part of the culture you think works for your selfies when you ridicule poc for actually living with it.

check out the rest of my comics on Coming of Faith!!

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4/20/2015

Yesterday, my uncle came over and it was a pretty good time. Can't wait for my dad to come for my graduation. Today, I declared my major and it is biological sciences. Alhamdillah. It feels good knowing what I'll be doing in college this fall.

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1/18/2015

I didn’t continue my last post I got bored of typing on my phone. That’s the thing about me now a days.. I don’t love social media gadgets and apps too much. I’m in to being outside enjoying fresh air. mannn it reminds me of my childhood. Can’t wait til the snow here melts so I can enjoy the grass and the sun.. And to look cute af in my outfits.

I want to continue off from my last post but I forgot what I wanted to say..

Boutu end this post.. so today was a very unproductive day I felt lazy until a took a shower just now.. Lazy mid winter break. Waiting for my period to end so I can start praying again. I feel spiritually unhealthy.. I need to reconnect with Allah

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Today is 1/15/2015

I am on the phone with Btl right now. Mashaallah her voice is beautiful.

It’s been awhile since I’ve written on this blog.. This is going to be a long one.

Senior year started. I’m taking easy classes: public speaking, marketing, anthropology and culture, piano, graphic design, and ap environmental science. My grades are the best this year. I’m proud of my self.. I’m on the right track. I can only thank Allah and my mom for who I am today.

I met a lot of new friends this year. I don’t remember how I met them but they’re very cool. Nsrn, Mh, Nh, Dl, so many more. I joined middle eastern student association and performed a dabke dance at school with them which im sure will always stick with me as a high school memory.

A lot of my friends are getting married. My mom

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I got my license like two days ago but I doubt my mom is going to let me inhale the feeling of freedom anytime soon

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do you ever listen to a song and remember exactly what life was like when you first heard it

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UPDATE: my grades were so bad but not they’re becoming really good. I’m proud of myself.. Second semester = fresh start. I don’t think I talked about me going to Dubai during winter break. It was great seeing my dad I cried. Turns out he’s married too. It’s a win, win situation. Right? Wrong. While we were at Dubai my parents were both talk shit about each other TO ME. Okay? And. What should I say? Aside from that drama it was nice. I wish we would have done more stuff. We spent a lot of money during those two weeks but hey, after all those years of no financial support he finally did something about it. I passed my road test. ACTs are in a week. I miss my friends I’m still alone at school, but fuck that. I really do NOT need anyone whatsoever. My deen is improving. I have not been wearing makeup cos I’m a lazy little shit

#2.27.14

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I'm happy. All my friends are my friends, and everything is good. I seen my amazing friend tulip flower yesterday. Alhamdillah :)

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So much stuff has happened. Ever since my mom got married my dad finally started to call. My moms been a little tough on my siblings and I, and by tough I mean mean. Also school has taken over my life, which is what my life is basically composed of. I still have no friends, however I did join MSA for the benefit of being a better Muslim and to meet new people. I met a girl named nisreen, she reminds me a lot of nsreen. I miss her a lot, and my tuli and yasmine, hanou, malak. I miss all my friends. Including sarah, even though I talk to her every day. I feel sad. My source of happiness has fallen into an abyss and I can’t find it.

#1026

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today was the small wedding. my mom b chillin at da hotel w. her babe. ewwww

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UPDATE:

So my mom got married, she's obviously happy. Alhamdillah. And she's different. 

I sit alone during lunch.

Miss my friends.

Today was Yasmine's birthday.

Also, there's a really gorgeous girl in my computer class whom I wish I looked like

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Codie Young photographed by Giampaolo Sgura for Vogue Germany October 2013