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someone said we had more fun in childhood because we didnt have any past memories to linger on and it has stuck with me ever since

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For a short while your times intertwined, and though short, those times are the ones that sour you into a whole new direction; they change your life, yes I can say, you changed my life. The ones who have hurt me have changed it. And though I ask a thousand questions why, why couldn’t you have stayed, why did you do this, why why why, the answers come in time; and they are relatively quiet. Like it seems it all is. Realizing you were nothing more than a moment. But then again, my love, this is all just moments; time is not measured by seconds but with moments. I read that and her words rung true.

I wonder what comes of me. Is there a tragic ending ahead? I think I’d almost given up on a happy ending. But a tragic one I still do not expect. Maybe I should. Maybe I shouldn’t. I don’t know.

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haven’t thought about him in a while. i haven’t seen you in a while and I’d like not to see you for a while longer. probably never again. sure, you can say there was trouble on both ends and this could’ve been mended but you can also see who tried and who didn’t. guess some people aren’t as mature.

maybe that’s what it is. Dunno.

I think valid healing comes through distraction. you cannot hyperanalyze your pain away. and I had a lovely distraction, for a couple of months. except now he talks about post graduation with me, living together with our cats, and I realize I don’t love him.

love is cruel to the kind ones, But i am trying to make sure i lay it down as easily as I can. slash this sword quickly. you don’t need anymore of that. and i don’t either, if I’m being honest. a real love, at least.

a part of me is still angry and revolted when I scroll past you, so a part of me seemingly still hurts. that’s alright. things take a while. im comfortable without you. seek it out elsewhere.

not much else to say on that topic. thought I’d have more. in the past I did.

times goes.

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a late night, it’s been some months since we split, i find an old video of us - in the video I knew the end was already coming - but a reminder of that lightness. there’s something faint and old inside of me that may still miss your eyes from time to time. but it’s heavy, and it’s tired, and ive carried so many burdens before. there’s many people whose eyes i will never see again. you’re a collection on it, and there’s the question of you even deserving it. but regardless of that it struck something in me. there’s a sadness i carry. i still haven’t found where I belonged. For a small moment it felt like it belonged with you and the life that short 6 seconds represented. and suddenly it’s been nearly a year since those 6 seconds, and you can talk about it like an adult, once you’ve realized there would’ve been no point to anyway. maybe some people come into our lives to teach us a lesson. you taught me I was worth something, down to the very last time that we spoke - you wanted me, but more pertaintly, you wanted to be me. maybe that’s you stole the idea of a life i created. but go ahead, chase it. it wasn’t for me anyway. I can tell myself that but a part of me still longs. I guess I just got tired of letting it stop me, so it trails behind me like all my other old wounds do.

I feel the emotions whether or not I focus on them. I know im sad. I know I feel like I don’t belong. somewhere inside im still sad over this situation. over those 6 seconds. but I’ve long grown tired of it. ive moved on and it’ll trail behind me. but one day I’ll look back on the road and it’ll be so small it won’t mean anything anymore.

im still searching for my people. I think I’ve done a good job lately. ive been true to myself. stopped letting romance distract me. honestly, it revolts me now; someone grabs me by the hip, and god I’ll act out on these physical desires, but my mind is reeling. ill wake up in the morning with that pit in my stomach. I haven’t slept well at all this weekend. one person after the next. im really tired of that.

anyways, i guess I don’t feel like talking, it was a rough day. I want quiet

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i wouldve saved it if you did too

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what’s wrong with me? i know it’s a lot but I’m acting out on these wounds, im sorry I’m like this but you don’t know what I’ve been through. it’s kinda selfish so whatever. I think you want someone to chase more than someone to have; and I was that; now that I’m here it runs away. okay whatever. I’m sorry I even fucking asked, sorry I got too real, whatever.

i remembered Zach on the drive today and was sobbing. still sobbing I literally haven’t stopped. I haven’t slept good in a week. Constantly tossing and turning for this dumbass fuckingn guy. just say you don’t want anything with me and let me move on. this all is so fucking stupid. death is real. this isn’t the best timeline, that’s for sure. I just feel like crying a lot. over everything.

Im sorry I’m wounded im sorry I asked im sorry I’m too serious I didn’t want anything anyway I just gave this chance bc whatever and the same thing always fucking happens it always fucking happens they get tired of me and leave I don’t know why I’m sorry I don’t know why I’m like this I don’t know what’s wrong I don’t know how to fix it maybe I really will just be single forever. What a painful little life this will be. I just got vulnerable and this is a fucking door to the face. just say you don’t want anything right now and let me fucking go

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Zach im Sorry

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for me when I’m sober tomorrow morning and sad about it:

It’s ok to be sad, you did nothing tho, it’s on him. you can respond if you want but be dry and don’t entertain more. Trust me there’s plenty more kid cute white men to chose from that will either play you like this or treat you better. Just a guy that got a hand on me for a second but it’s over cus I want better. just be courteous but go back to treating him like before. remember, be a maneater. most of em suck

just think of all the ppl u will meet next semester :3 it will be fun. forget this guy, do the same thing to Logan that you did to him (don’t respond)

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Oh god white baby what are you doing with that ukelele

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maybe i should stop asking my parents for advice and ask people my age

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NO ONE irl (or even online friends) will ever know of this blog and i prefer it to stay that way

i'm seeing a lot of new ppl join tumblr who aren't making any spontaneous semi pathetic, oversharing personal textposts whatsoever and i just want to say you're doing it all wrong... this is not like instagram like meant to be some shiny highlight reel used to make u look good its supposed to be an incriminatingly revealing dark intimate look into your life & inner psyche while simultaneously no one knows who u are or gives a fuck... anyway hope this helps some of u get on the right track

[dhdhhehdndbdbd]

i'm seeing a lot of new ppl join tumblr who aren't making any spontaneous semi pathetic, oversharing personal textposts whatsoever and i just want to say you're doing it all wrong... this is not like instagram like meant to be some shiny highlight reel used to make u look good its supposed to be an incriminatingly revealing dark intimate look into your life & inner psyche while simultaneously no one knows who u are or gives a fuck... anyway hope this helps some of u get on the right track

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but yeah, live intentionally. stop chasing him. let him go. and let the whole thing go.

yeah, easier said than done.. whatever.

anyway, live intentionally; doesn’t mean you have to be to either extreme but chose things wisely; don’t go for the first thing that glitters. i know your situation isn’t the best right now but just remember it could be worse. and it’ll get better

i think the main solution is just being intentional and logical about what you want to do with your life. what’s the advice you would give to someone who is in a mid, not-terrible-completely-shitty-living situation but also generally-mentally-and-emotionally-damaging environment to be in; but cannot realistically move out because of money concerns. and if they were to start working, they would have less energy and concentration able to be put into school & career & friends, which are the main three important things right now. essentially, being stuck in a less than favorable situation without a way to leave it (at the moment).

well, i think the first step is realizing that happiness comes and goes, you cannot move to one place and magically find happiness, you will find good things to enjoy even in this unfavorable situation here, and you will have bad things to suffer through - that will be anywhere. I understand for your personal development you want to move out. That’s understandable. Think about it; there’s no harm in it. But look at it from the long term: decide if it’s worthy to start working early and put that financial burden upon yourself, when you still have the opportunity to stay at home. you won’t forever; it’s a fact that this house isn’t going to last many years longer. it’s a known fact that you will move out - things will change - and you’ll achieve what you want. the road is just longer, and grittier, and less than perfect. and someone, in your brain, is taking the more glamorous, fun road. oh well. you will go farther than him anyway. just keep on doing what you’re doing and it’s a guaranteed fact you’ll get an internship, then a job, graduate, move out, do everything. one thing at a time I guess. we all move at different paces. I just happened to go in a different way. it’s been really hard for me to deal and accept that.

it’s also been quite hard to move on from this situation w this guy. i know that. i think im at the point where i know I need to move on. so i will. I’ll try at least.

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i think the main solution is just being intentional and logical about what you want to do with your life. what’s the advice you would give to someone who is in a mid, not-terrible-completely-shitty-living situation but also generally-mentally-and-emotionally-damaging environment to be in; but cannot realistically move out because of money concerns. and if they were to start working, they would have less energy and concentration able to be put into school & career & friends, which are the main three important things right now. essentially, being stuck in a less than favorable situation without a way to leave it (at the moment).

well, i think the first step is realizing that happiness comes and goes, you cannot move to one place and magically find happiness, you will find good things to enjoy even in this unfavorable situation here, and you will have bad things to suffer through - that will be anywhere. I understand for your personal development you want to move out. That’s understandable. Think about it; there’s no harm in it. But look at it from the long term: decide if it’s worthy to start working early and put that financial burden upon yourself, when you still have the opportunity to stay at home. you won’t forever; it’s a fact that this house isn’t going to last many years longer. it’s a known fact that you will move out - things will change - and you’ll achieve what you want. the road is just longer, and grittier, and less than perfect. and someone, in your brain, is taking the more glamorous, fun road. oh well. you will go farther than him anyway. just keep on doing what you’re doing and it’s a guaranteed fact you’ll get an internship, then a job, graduate, move out, do everything. one thing at a time I guess. we all move at different paces. I just happened to go in a different way. it’s been really hard for me to deal and accept that.

it’s also been quite hard to move on from this situation w this guy. i know that. i think im at the point where i know I need to move on. so i will. I’ll try at least.

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made me cry honestly but she’s right

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