deerhartheart

[deerhartheart]

am walking at the moment, walked from henderson to waterview. i’m on a steel staircase overlooking the main road, surrounded by intricate webs, each home to a spider. They are beautiful and remind me of my own web, the one that lives inside my cranium and holds all my memories of both past and future, echoing back and forth like the sound of the ocean trapped in a shell. i’m on dex at the moment, and it’s a decent high albeit light. luckily for me i’ve always been able to get away with less than more when inhabiting the realm of drugs and it’s effects. i’m gon pop another dex then walk back, completing my 26 km walk lol. charlie hasn’t messaged me today, i left his house yesterday after scoring suboxone for him following a 2 week meth bender with him lol. was pre chill, played video games managed to make it past a level in celeste i had never before locked in the 3 ish years i knew of the game/ had access to it. had really good sex too, probably the best sex me or him ever had. relapsed with my bulimia for a day and kinda fell into a mini depression but climbed my way out. i don’t know what’s going on with him and his witness protection thing, they have yet to get back to him but he’s laid low long enough i suppose. he’s started seeing friends and going out more again which does wonder for mood and boredom which he suffers from on a more visceral level than the average civilian. i feel like my faith in things has been renewed tbh.

[deerhartheart]

beautiful boy spittin numbers till he numb now he got a sore tongue, jaw unhinged broken in by series of whims culminating in an almost sin but such is the nature of him, running into walls painted with hints, he adds his own every so often, mars is the name satan is the game and he always play, never obeys, come to surrounded by demons, they love him tho, get a kick out of him tho, cuz he makes his suffering so funny with his big bird bones, i always miss him tho even tho i neglected him, made him feel like my love for him was just tin, i’m a tin man but my heart beats clean red flesh in my chest eyes got a sheen, in fact that’s why i rust cuz all the water in my blood, all the blue in my red, forming them compounds making no sound create a new body and it’s rust.

[deerhartheart]

mind keeps projecting lightning patterns in front of me like the streaks on wood but it’s made out of light and it hangs in front of my vision everything is in high saturation

[deerhartheart]

i throw my own self down at my own feet and pray with my own hands to my own eyes, holy trinity of parts

[deerhartheart]

thanks for going to sleep

so i could sleep

i’ll make a new jaw for you

string together my words again and again till they form a bandage i can wrap around what’s broken

sink into the cracks like molten lava fill the blanks

how do i treat the body that houses a god

how much room do i give while you are on fire

i’d throw myself into the heat of it singe myself and eyelashes just so i can be close ur infinity

i suppose i’ve already done this with my own body

the sacrifice it takes to make room for something so vast is as infinite as the something itself

[deerhartheart]

the angel that fucked me posessed/is nic

[deerhartheart]

what the fuvk

[deerhartheart]

I b eating cherry ripes rn. I’m in my cherry ripe eating era. I’m in the most unlikely timeline because I use to fucking hate cherry ripes and now against all odds I’m in love with them. Shoutout Josh ig for dying in my arms inside that tent in one of those timelines

[deerhartheart]

Saw the neighbour with the fresh fruit ice cream the other day when I came back from vipassana. He had his black parrot on his shoulder and was holding a cat, asked how I was said I was well, asked how he was, said he was getting ready for party Sunday. I said nice you even got ur party cat and he laughed.

[deerhartheart]

Rn I wish nothing more than to be the dumpling you so tentatively eat after much contemplation over the first bite.

[deerhartheart]

senses dulled, dumbed down pacified by vanilla sweet cream, i drape my arm over the red box of tea seated next to me on the bus. Like it’s my little pet, my child, my lover, toy dog, the kid in class whose surname was alphabetically closest to mine.

[deerhartheart]

Brain tumbles about my skull like how a tumble weed does across a screen when your tv’s started playing an old western in the middle of the night after the hand holding the remote has gone slack. I recollect the day, dizzy from the cinnamon tea. I decipher my memory, like unravelling a knitted sleeve. Finally I unloop that last loop and straighten out the string, stretched to its full length, the start pinched between one set of fingers and the end pinched between its counterpart, like an Italian god measuring the spaghetti he’s about to use to make his Adam and Eve. I am able to recount it chronological like, read it like a grammatically correct sentence. I am relearning time, as a spectator sport, extended before me at arms length. I look but can’t touch, not yet, the way the moon has yet to collide with the earth, the sun yet to eat our planet.

[deerhartheart]

Just a girl with her mocha and a man with his tank 15 feet apart cuz we don’t know each other

[deerhartheart]

Kept planning to meditate ended up just fucking someone whose name means to meditate. Such is my life

[deerhartheart]

I board the bus away from myself. I leave the car and walk away from myself. I leave my house and walk away from myself. I go to my other house and then leave that house, leaving myself behind. I’m constantly trying to seperate myself from myself through methods of racing, as if it counts as erasing.

[deerhartheart]

[deerhartheart]

So weird. The $3 I lost while boarding the bus basically got reimbursed indirectly? Because like 2 stops after the bus began it’s route it stopped and the bus driver said to tag off and switch to the other bus, so I did and they said not to tag on the new bus? So I just got a free ride to west gate that would’ve been $3 worth. I was daydreaming when the switchover occurred too so I had to be snapped back to reality by the other person on the bus else I’d of probably melted into the seat.