deepoceanofnotsosecrets

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

July 20

This is the second day in a row where I laid in bed and pondered ways to end my life. This is not the life I want. I want to run away. I am just so tempted to run away.

I play it back over and over again in my head. I made a mistake. And ironically, the pain AND numbness is at least a reminder of your existence in my life. A reminder that briefly, we existed together.

My heart literally hurts. My lungs hurt. I will love you for the rest of my life and be trapped in this cycle of misery and pain.

I want to run away.

I don’t think anyone would notice or care.

~K

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

Feb 3

Surprised I’m still alive? Me too.

Life is cruel.

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

February 1

I don’t really see the point of going on. My life is a lie. I am a lie. I will never be okay.

Every day, I fantasize about ways to die...I find peace in considering the end of me.

The end of who people think I am. The beginning of having a sound mind.

I don’t want to be alive if it’s like this.

I don’t know how much longer I have left.

-K

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

Anything you need, I’m here.

As a friend, as a fellow deep-thinker, a fellow musician;

I will always be here for you.

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

My Punishment.

11:40pm

This is my punishment. I have to spend the rest of my life at a distance...zoomed out of myself, zoomed out of reality.

I have to spend the rest of my life writing songs about how I love you from a distance and always will. You have a hold on my heart; what a perfect punishment for my decisions that year. You won. I may have left you hurt, but you were only hurt for a short time. I will be hurt forever.

This is my punishment. I have to spend the rest of my life staring into the end of my burning cigarette because deep inside the warm ashes I see us, smoking, talking about life, staring at the stars, making terrible decisions together. In the embers I see a young, naive love of two teenagers who were too in over their heads. I love that.

I’m not crazy. Just in pain.

-K

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

nothing has changed

i still think about you every day

i feel nothing inside

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

🌟🌙

“Mr. Sandman, bring me a dream, make him the cutest that I’ve ever seen”

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

24 hours.

4:59pm

Why do I always make stupid fucking choices that I regret.

I’m here at my dads, and surprise surprise, it’s toxic. Who would’ve guessed?

Since being here for 24 hours, he has done the following:

• Told me I “wasn’t depressed”. • Told me I can’t dye my hair if I’m living here, like, not even if I dye it at Adams house. I just generally cannot change my hair if I’m staying here. Makes sense, right? • Has fake hit me, as he usually does, because it’s SO fun! And funny! Also he slapped my ass and said “get used to that. I’m gonna slap your ass.” Um...pedophile, sexual abuse vibes much?????? • Has just been simply this: an asshole.

He claims I’m his favorite, but I think he’s just got some serious problems.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

I miss my Adam.

-K

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

I miss who I was surrounded by.

10:14pm

I miss 2015 - particularly my friends, my body, my freedom. My youth. I just generally miss that year; ironically the worst year of my life. But I miss who I was surrounded by.

I miss senior year. I miss Emileigh.

-K

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

Moving.

4:40pm

Adam and I have made the decision to separate until the end of the year. Not getting a divorce, but we won’t be living together for this time.

I’m looking forward for a time to refresh myself and make decisions for myself and clear my head.

I’m looking forward to this. I’m not afraid; but excited.

I’ll be living with my dad and step-mom in their huge, wide open house. This is the environment I need right now in my life.

-K

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

Knife.

12:37am

I put a knife to my throat yesterday. I put a knife to my stomach, chest....to my heart. Sweet freedom was there, at my fingertips. A way out from this. From how I’m feeling. From this reality that is my fault.

My hand became cold as I pressed it softly into my chest. I froze.

Am I going crazy? Or do you have these thoughts too? -K

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

Clear.

12:36am

I’m going to try to take a few days away. Clear my head. Figure myself out. Hopefully someone somewhere is willing to let me stay with them.

I think it would be good for me.

#-K

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

Numb.

2:14am

Multiple times throughout the day, my whole body will just go numb.

I get these racing thoughts every couple of minutes.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s right.

Life is cruel.

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

Life is cruel.

3:30am

You make me want to write again. I used to love to write... now I can’t remember the last time I felt inspired to. You and I have that in common--amongst many, many other things--we’re both inspired by sadness.

How can I ever ignore this? How could I ever get over this? What made me think I was strong enough for this? I’m afraid of the answers to these questions--but I am also afraid I will never have the chance to discover those answers.

Life is cruel.

I don’t want to be everyone’s enemy. No one will take my side on this. No one will hear me out on this. This is the only safe place for my thoughts (and it’s not even safe). But if I keep these thoughts locked away in my mind, I WILL go insane.

Who won in this situation? Because if I won, and I’d like to believe that I did, that I hit the lottery, the jackpot... then why does your name still pierce through my heart like a piece of broken glass? Broken glass from a ‘broken mirror’.

If I won, if I truly did, then why have I been watching your life from a distance over the years instead of letting it go and living?

If I won, if I truly did, then why do I still feel so guilty and cold?

Life is cruel.

I’m not sure how safe it is to let my mind wander on these things. For any of us. Life is so, so cruel.

Am I in love? YES. I am in love with my husband. I mean, duh.

Do I wish we had more time to explore what we could have been? Yes. Those little, baby months weren’t enough. I think that’s a huge part of why it has been so difficult to fully let go.

I don’t want to be an enemy.

-K

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

July 22, 2020 • I Want But Don’t Need

10:36pm

Get out of my head

I want

I want

I break

I quiver

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

May 11, 2020 • Butterfly

12:50pm

I want to do it silently. In the night.

I want to wake up on a Tuesday earlier than 7am and begin my day. I want to shred the fat and years of neglect and pain from my body. There is a butterfly who has been waiting to burst from my bones. I want to give her her chance to make waves.

[deepoceanofnotsosecrets]

coffee.

coffee.

coffee.

coffee.

coffee.

coffee.

coffee.

coffee.

coffee.

coffee.

coffee.

coffee.