deepemotionsandpersonalshit

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

I can’t put into words, it started as a wholesome evening enjoying mulled wine by the fireplace. I drank a little too much and decided to stay at my friends house. We stayed up chatting with his flatmate, and before I knew it, I found myself drinking a drop from a teaspoon. I played DJ for a while, playing LCD Soundsystem etc and everyone seemed to enjoy it. I took another drop, and then gradually his flatmate took over the music, and I see the grooves on the wall begin to sharpen contrast and move. I look at his flatmates face, which contorts devilishly from behind a large glass of red wine. I feel myself sinking into the couch and being totally lost in the music, of drum n bass (I think, it was quite soft and trancy electronic music) from what I understand. I’ve never been so hooked onto the music, and specific notes would just absolutely cut right through me. I felt so connected to the music, and had the feeling of letting go and an emotional sense of climax with specific notes. And some of the oddest feelings I’ve ever experienced. The flatmates friend sat in an armchair and seemed so perfectly upright and calm, also grinning devilishly. It was somewhat scary to look at him as his face moved and contorted with the music and my interpretation of colours went haywire. I lay on the couch with my friend, with my feet up on the back of the couch and stared into space, entirely transfixed by everything i was seeing and hearing. I can’t explain why, but I was almost gripping my friends ankles/legs at points, as well as holding their hand. It was a comforting sort of intimacy, which helped to ground me a bit. There was a lot of discussion, but we couldn’t seem to retain any sense of long lasting memory, so the conversation quickly twisted and warped from one thing to another. Accepting that things made sense, and others didn’t. To try and understand where our feelings are coming from - I found out just before it hit me that my cousin has secretly got wed that day, and this was something I was dumbfounded by as I was so surprised (and happy) but I couldn’t stop bringing this up. My friend, he experienced some terrible stomach pains, which gradually subsided. I can’t really remember much of the conversations, but I feel I was entirely enlightened and shook to my core about so many things. As funny as it sounds, it really did feel like the “galaxy brain” meme. I really felt like my mind was blown. It was insane. As this all happened, a thick layer of snow steadily fell all night, and we occasionally went outside to get some air and a shift of perspective. This somewhat helped. I stayed like this until 9am, where upon while I still felt very alert and awake, my entire body felt sore with fatigue. I slept for 3 hours (or at least it felt like sleep) and took 3 hours to muster up the courage to leave as I still felt so disoriented and slightly gone with it. I’m very grateful for my friend for looking after me and making sure I did alright. It was such a fucking strange experience, and I don’t know how to address everything my mind went through.

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

So, a pandemic. My life in Paris has been entirely uprooted, and I no longer have the opportunity to distract myself with the multiplex of activities in Paris. I have a lot of time to think. I’ve gone through o many different sets of emotions and I realise I have a lot of unresolved issues. This also made it difficult to enjoy my time in Paris in the way I enjoyed myself when I was studying in the US.

It seems so silly and trivial, but my last year of undergrad was truly awful from a social standpoint. After meeting some of the most incredible people (quite a few I’m still good friends with) and returning to Edinburgh was such a blow. I had a lot of misconceptions about how strong my friendship with some people was, and this served me badly when I put more emphasis on these relationships that the other person was. It was shit as this took me forever to figure out since no-one in the bloody UK likes to be straight with each other. I had a lot of moments where I was very cut off and then overly vulnerable, but because I wasn’t really ‘in’ the group this was deemed as inappropriate. Which I understand, but it was very confusing to navigate with the lack of communication. I was also living with someone who was straight up just mean to me all year but in these subtle, cutting ways, so others didn’t pick up on it. I spent a year feeling very anxious, isolated and confused as a result. It has been difficult to pick up the pieces, and again while it seems so trivial, it has hit me hard. I didn’t like the person I was in that situation, and I feel a lot of guilt around the people who had to deal with me during that time.

In Paris, I started off so incredibly anxious and on edge and I literally kept saying the wrong thing to everyone - it wasn’t the same easing in I got at UVa - but I was stressed about finding a place to live and sort out all my admin. It took me a while to feel settled, which wasn’t helped by my terrible internship. While I stayed on for 2 more month after that conversation with the PI, I came to hate every moment of it in a tolerable way. But God, I learned such a massive lesson and am I fuck going to stay working somewhere I full unhappy again. 

With my shitty, abusive ex from a few years ago, well unfortunately I got the news a year and a half ago that he also assaulted another girlfriend. Now, a police investigation has been raised, and while I have processed a lot of the situation, it’s been so difficult every time it comes up. I get a shortness of breath and my heart is thumping on my chest, it’s something short of a panic attack I think. I gave a statement to the police which has to be detailed, and the processing of the case has been hard. It’s brought up a lot of emotions I thought I had properly dealt with but obviously not. I don’t feel resentful towards Jake, I’ve moved forward past our toxic relationship, but one thing I can’t accept is if he hasn’t changed and he’s continuing to be controlling and abusive. But while this is my sole motivator for speaking up against his actions towards me, I can’t help but imagine what it would be like to get the news that he’s been convicted - that his actions do, in fact, have consequences. He can’t just rape and domestically abuse women and get away with it. I don’t want to imagine this as it’s very likely the case won’t be able to move forward much due to insufficient evidence, which is likely the case here. But I can’t stop thinking about it, and people will finally know the things he’s capable of.

All of this is going on and I can’t see Calum - the person I’ve been with for the last year and a half. He’s been a bit of a shining star through this all. He’s provided me with a sense of comfort and happiness. I don’t feel infatuation with him, I feel like we’ve known each other forever and he fits perfectly into me. It feels like well reasoned love. Something sustainable. Being with him doesn’t make me feel afraid to commit. It’s always felt easy, we’ve never had to dramatically ‘fight’ to show our love for each other. It just comes and it’s nice. But I miss him, and it’s weird as it feels like we’re together, but also that we’re not. I don’t know how to wrestle with this.

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

So things have changed an awful lot. I’m doing a Master’s abroad and just embarked on my fourth internship. But it’s being going kind of terrible. I spoke to the PI of the lab as I felt my project was going no-where, and I was being micro-managed by the PhD student who I was meant to be working with. 

There was a lot said, and she was kind of callous and defensive about it all. I can understand as it’s obviously a difficult conversation to have and she’s the target of it. I just didn’t expect it to be that emotionally charged - we spoke for 3.5 hours which mostly consisted of her raising her voice and me in tears. They eventually brought up their experience as a Masters student and I can understand why she was smothering me - they essentially had a super bad experience where they had no guidance and they took no holidays over the 6 months. So they were doing the complete opposite with me and dictating my every minute in the lab. They also brought up that they were upset as they wanted me to enjoy science - how could I explain that I have literally enjoyed every other internship I’ve done and wanted to pursue a career in research until joining this internship? All I’ve thought about over the last 4 weeks is how uncomfortable I’ve felt and how much I didn’t want to be in this internship because of how they were making me feel. God. They killed my enthusiasm for science at the moment and I want nothing less than to disappear and never look back. 

Things have been better today and we’re speaking to each other a lot more kindly. But I feel strange about the dynamic, with all the preceding circumstances. I’m going to stick it out for a couple of more weeks and then speak up again about what I would like to do. 

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

I have just gotten back from my year abroad. I’ve been pretty homesick over the last few months and I’ve been really excited to come home, but now I’m home, I feel incredibly down. I’m really struggling to feel that I fit in with my friends in Edinburgh. Tom keeps telling me I’m “aggressively normal” which terrifies and upsets me. Especially because I think he’s right. 

This is an extremely weird transitionary period and I don’t know how to be normal anymore. It’s easy to speak to new people, but to speak to people I’m meant to be friends with? Somewhat difficult. The conversation doesn’t flow the way it used to, we’re trying to communicate how we used to but things have changed. I feel very hopeless and lost. Scared. I know this won’t go on forever but I feel it all the same. 

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

I have met some of the most nicest people here and I am so incredibly grateful so the kindness and love them have shown me.

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

I’ve just been on a date with this girl and wow she is so nice and I was so awkward but I really wanna meet her again and ahhh 

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

I finally feel like I've fallen out of love with you. It's sad, as I felt a lot for you, but I'm glad we're friends.

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

Looking back, I miss how you made me feel. I have never felt such a deep, mature connection. We were electric. We bounced off of each other in such a unique way. I miss that feeling - I have never had that with anyone else, I don’t know if I ever will again. However, I am more than aware that it is in the past. When we meet again, we will not greet each other with the same connection; too much has happened. I have pushed you too much in my desperate attempt to rationalise the situation. 

I wish I could go back and do things differently, be better for us. But then I guess that is another aspect that made our relationship unique?

Perhaps thinking this way is what is holding me back, who knows when I will meet someone I feel as comfortable with as I felt with you. I had a brief moment of feeling like I could be with someone else, but at least for the next year, nothing will come of that. 

I don’t need to be with anyone, but nothing really compares to that feeling of being in love and being loved - especially by you. It was just the right amount of what I was needing. You let me be my own person, live my own life - yet you were (mostly) calm and rational in times when I wasn’t. You helped keep me up and strong. 

I’m glad you felt you were able to share yourself with me, as I know that is something you have struggled with. I hope I make you feel more confident in yourself; you’re a good person to love, and to know. I just want you to be happy.  

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

My attitudes towards sex are so damn weird. If I feel like someone is “too into me” it totally puts me off. It comes across as predatory and needy. 

I don’t know how we got around to doing it, but me and one of my good uni friends both admitted to feeling horny but also we are both weird about sex. So we proceeded to have sex in the gender neutral bathrooms of the student union. It was fucking amazing, and also hilarious as there is a lot of back context. It was actually really hot and I lowkey want to again, but we’re both going on a year abroad so won’t see each other till we get back - which is probably for the best. I could see myself wanting more then getting romantically attached to him, and I don’t know how well we would do as an actual thing.

Maybe I fall for people who can make me cum? Who knows! Someone needs to psychoanalyse me 

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

I have overcome a lot in the last year, from fully understanding the unhealthy relationship I have with food and my body to coping with the aftermath of emotional and sexual abuse. I realise that I have had a low opinion of myself; I felt like I deserved what I did to myself - purging - and what was being inflicted on me. I did not want to accept that there were people that could help me, or fully understand what was happening was wrong. I was a stranger in my own body and mind, I became a person I was not comfortable or familiar with. I feel the need to make my voice heard to raise awareness for others - it is so easy to feel isolated and not address a negative situation. You should never question if your unhappiness is normal, or normalise toxic behaviour. If you are making excuses for someone's toxic behaviour, or feel you can't talk to people because that might "taint" them then please please please think about why that might be. It may be hard, but try and talk to someone you trust. It is easy to sympathise with your abuser but you don't owe them anything. You are never alone and you should not feel you need to remain silent. Thank you to everyone that has played a role in my life over the past year, big or small, I wouldn't have been able to get where I am today without you 🌺.

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

It's the first Saturday morning in the longest time where I have been able to sit in bed and enjoy it. I can hear the gentle patter of rain (and also some banging from repair men upstairs) but it is all generally very relaxing. Time is moving slowly. What a difference a year makes. I could never have anticipated that this time last year that I could feel so positive, full, content. The only thing that would complete this would be to have Tom here. He is such a calming person to be with. We wouldn't even need to speak, just be.

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

Why does missing someone hurt so much?

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

In light of recent events, i think I need to have sex with someone I'm comfortable with - someone who respects and values me as a person. I'm very quick to recoil if I don't think that's the case. So this is strange and unexpected, but I've just slept with someone I've been close to as a friend for a while. I thought it would be weird, but I felt comfortable doing it. I'm unsure as to what this means for us, but I'm at a point where I'm very ambivalent - it doesn't mean anything past the act itself. I guess I find it startling how easily I managed to do that, especially considering my earlier thoughts. People are strange.

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

My favourite person is no longer an active part of my life. I miss them so god damn much. It pains me as I realise what we had was really special; we were kind, there was a lot of respect for one another. In our own unique way albeit. I don’t think anyone will fit me as well as they did. I still feel a lot for them, the reality of trying to be with someone new makes me feel sick. It’s wrong, not as I feel we are still together and it would be an unfaithful act, but I am still emotionally invested. I can finally understand how they have felt up until we were together. 

I understand, and I’m so sorry for undermining you. I don’t want to be with anyone that isn’t you. You are the most fun and you understand me. With all my problems, you still found a place for me. I wish, I fucking wish, I could have been better for you. I wish I didn’t look back and see what we had was tainted. I wish I didn’t let the idea that you were going to leave consume me. I should have fearlessly enjoyed the time we had together. I should have been stronger. I should have seeked help in other ways. 

I don’t miss you because of the support you gave me, or the love I felt. I simply miss being you. We had a really remarkable relationship dynamic and it worked. We had so much fun, we *got* each other in a lot of ways. Albeit, it maybe took a while for some things to become clear to me e.g. you weren’t just with me for the shits and giggles. I miss you, you’ll always be my favourite. 

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

Who knew it would hurt so bad to miss a person, or to miss a past life

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

In contexts of relationships, I always tend to do this really toxic thing where I compare myself to someone's former partner. Like its a competition, like two people are comparable. My mind doesn't care about that logic. I always compare myself to be below the other person. I'm always lacking to them. This is different, now out of a relationship, the person I was formally seeing is talking to someone else in that way. I do not know who, but it is eating me up as it makes me feel that what we had was nothing. I am nothing. I am an indispensable way to pass the time. I am confused by this, as I myself am speaking to someone new as well. Why do I feel this way, when I really have no right to? I don't understand

[deepemotionsandpersonalshit]

I feel very erratic. I need to dampen my mood swings. I need a hug. I wish I could be okay and feel in control of myself