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Never cool enough
You know, since the beginning of this year. People lie about not having enough friends, then they hang out with me, it feels great and like I'm important to them. Then they just fucking drop me, even though they say they don't forget, it sure feels like I've lost all importance until they fucking need something from me. I'm sick and tired of it. I've never been cool enough to be part of ANY CIRCLE for anyconsiderable length of time, so fuck it. What is the point in confiding in anyone, what is the point in trusting someone to listen, be there, ect. When they are just going to move on to the next shiny, more convinient thing.
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Who are you?
Narcissism keeps the smile on my face because I hate to admit my pain.
I scroll through empty statuses and glimpse at the comments which follow, feeling the darkness come into my heart, but my heart beats on, as if turning to rage, quickly dissipating into a nostalgic sadness which welcomes me home.
I reluctantly stare at the screen hoping for one person to reach out to me so I can open my heart to be taken advantage of one more time because hope is a terrible drug to which I’m hopelessly addicted.
Jealousy steeps from the tears that roll down my cheek as I long for the connections nobody seems to cherish anymore. Friendship has become a game. The person with the highest score wins. Nobody seems to understand anymore..
We become addicted to pain, so I keep scrolling.
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Tina Foster and the Magic Number.
Ai Yori Aoshi used to be one of my favorite series before I knew better, but lets not get into that right now.
There is a magic weight that I put in my head that when reached I panic. Today I reached that number, kicking me into overdrive. So I’ve been trying my very best to eat healthy and bring that number back down, and hopefully lower than my median.
Let’s talk a little about Tina Foster. She is a Blonde American, as most Japan can portray for some reason who loves drinking, eating, and partying. She is extremely energetic and knows no boundaries.
I guess all that partying is catching up on her, and its good to enjoy everything in moderation. In fact, I recently started enjoying sweet wines, which could be a contributing factor since alcohol doesn't help with the yeast and sugars.
So like Tina, I am pretty much just eating salads and I need to balance them better because I am finding myself hungry and wanting chocolate, potatoes, or bread; usually something salty and crunchy. I think this small portion of the manga, Tina goes a bit overboard because after one session of aerobics, one day of eating salad, and her landlord making her special meals with no carbs, she is cured and actually doesn't change from that point on, making her “crisis” unnecessary. The whole I hate this about myself but I’m too lazy to make a lifestyle commitment. I firmly believe that weight loss is not about quick fixes, though, I am eating salads to help me get back on track, but I kinda fell off with my friends constantly wanting to party, eat out, and snack unhealthy around me. So I need to have more will power.
But let me tell you about Kale. Everyone is raving that it is a health food, making smoothies and what not.. I hate it. I try to force myself to down this smoothie and its just so awful. I don’t care, I’ll stick to spinach and lettuce.
Mayu is Tina’s rival, butting heads and insulting each other at every turn. She starts off with a snarky remark while Tina has a bite of Kaoru’s bento. “A touch on the lips and a lifetime on the hips.” I mean, its not bad to think about what you are eating, but not everything is bad for you, everything in moderation.
So now I’m going to try and get back to doing some exercises other than biking because I’m not losing the inches I want to yet.
Truth be told that since I started trying to lose weigh over a year ago, I’ve only lost 6cm in my bust, 6.5cm in my waist, and 5cm in my hips, so its fairly even, but honestly, I don’t want my boobs getting any smaller.
So what has Tina taught me?
1. Quick fixes won’t last long
2. One workout session won’t make a difference
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Rihoko and Self Image
Rihoko is you're typical air head; she forgets things with ease and is clumsy by nature. She has gone for fad diets before, forgetting not before too long, that she was actually self sabotaging herself, by gorging with sweets. There was even a classmate telling her about an "air diet" where you pretend to eat air imagining that it was a food you wanted to eat. Please excuse me while I *facepalm*.
One of the first scenes in her arc, she is stuck in the fence as shown above, trying to take a shortcut to school. Her childhood friend, Junichi, whom she has an unrequited love for, helps her out as much as he can while realizing that she has self destructive behaviors.
I see Rihoko as adorable and at times, I found myself cheering her on and praising her. That's when it hit me. Rihoko is constantly putting herself under pressure to lose weight because she believes that she is fat. It got to a point where I actually became annoyed with her putting herself down because I thought she looked great.
Because I feel, I am in her position, I'm sure the people I love think the same of me, in that sense. I mean why wouldn't they? But that isn't to say that I'm completely satisfied and that its healthy to be overweight, but there is no harm in bettering yourself.
Self esteem affects how one views themselves, which is why I am led to believe I'm "fat". It is something I am learning to combat, after years of bullying and even my own family shaming me that I was fat. Years later I am convinced I carry my weight quite well for my size, but I still need to work on losing. There weren't many moments that I was convinced of Rihoko's self esteem being linked to her low self image as she carried herself very cheerfully in social situations.
So Rihoko has taught me a few lessons:
1. Don't sabotage your diet, stick to it, there are times you can have a snack but make sure its not emotional, habitual, or mindless/boredom eating habits.
2. Don't complain about your weight: Someone is going to get annoyed with your self shaming, more especially if you don't do anything to change it.
3. FAD DIETS DON'T WORK. (And they don't work if you keep eating cake as a reward.)
4. Confidence can carry you a long way.
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Super Sonico-chan!
I wanted to express my love of a character design; Super Sonico. I've seen her around but never really knew who she was until I watched a few episodes of her animation and I still don't know enough to really talk about her.
But one thing I absolutely love about her... is her design!
You can definitely tell that she is a pear shape, which isn't shown too much in anime, even more so with her huge breasts. (Kinda wished I had bigger, but I'm happy being average too.) Another thing that I love, is that her thighs aren't "anime" perfect.
This is pretty consistent throughout the anime, so its hard to say its just an animation error.
I have to say, and I can't say this very often, she actually doesn't make me feel insecure. The fact that she is not what I'd call "petite" when it comes to anime character standards makes me think, "Wow, maybe the anime world doesn't have to make me feel inadequate in the silliest ways."
Her design is so cute, and I'd like her so much more if she wasn't such a damn air head! Doesn't stop me from liking her character design. I actually feel okay about myself watching this. And I don't really want to cosplay her, but I really want to make her outfit.
On another note, I'm extremely scared to weigh in for the past month. I'm afraid of the failure that I'm going to see.
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Welcome~
I am DebuDebuNeko, and today, I am starting a weight loss journey. I am nervous that I will fail, because I have in the past, well rather, I haven't really gotten anywhere since I can still fit the same clothes I had in junior high.
You will learn more about me in future posts. As far as you're concerned, you don't need to know a back story do you? All you need to know is that my reasons are linked to my self-esteem issues, which are more often linked to unrealistic portrayals of girls in anime.
If anyone has watched "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya" her dilemma is similar to my own, which saddened me a little more in this realization; my life isn't special to anyone else but myself.
This is the internet, there's nothing special about a girl who likes anime, manga, and video games, I will not be the type to be a self-proclaimed "nerd" or "geek" or the like, I just don't like how "geek-culture" is becoming so glorified now, like the negative repercussions didn't exist as you were maturing through your childhood. All I am saying is that this media is a HUGE aspect of my life.
I have gotten to the point where my delusions were realized and there is a rather bold and obnoxious line between real life and fantasy, let's just say I did my fair share of role playing and fan fiction in my junior high years. Looking back now, I wish I could still be clouded by those innocent delusions.
To everyone, they are the main character in their own life stories, but for myself, I always felt like the minor or background character. Sometimes, I even get down on myself for my social anxiety or awkwardness. People generally think I am outgoing, but its my way of deluding myself to the person I want to be, I've always been quiet and shy.
I have such a bittersweet love with anime. I think about how cute these digitally imaged beings are and I wonder why my organic body can't be the same, naturally. I mean, not wearing wigs, over sized contact lenses, and heavy make up and somehow you're love interest still thinks you are amazing; welcome to the world of women and their unrealistic expectations.
My dress style was influenced by anime. I wear knee high socks, skirts, and usually a t-shirt or sweater/cardigan and a bow on my head. But my clothes aren't fitting quite right and it feels pretty clingy now, so I guess its time to head back to the gym!
My goal is to be a healthy weight, so I can feel better about myself and cosplay the characters I would love to not badly portray. My ultimate cosplay goal is to be a pink power ranger in the next 10 months, so I hope to complete my blogging/weight loss journey by June.
My Stats:
Weight:180 lbs
Height 5'5''
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