dearonewayinternet

[dearonewayinternet]

I’m finding it hard to schedule things with friends because I would always want to put my time with Kyle first. It’s becoming rather inconvenient. There are so many things I want to do. And I should just do them anyway, but I know that I will drop these plans in a heartbeat if Kyle is free. I remember him saying that he was holding me back. Is this one of them? It’s also counter productive because I’m trying to stay busy so that I don’t go crazy. But I can’t plan coz not seeing him is driving me nuts.

During my COVID recovery period, I had no appetite and I found that the only thing I was willing to consume were these healthy juices. So I bought a few bottles and pretty much survived on them. I’m not sure if the fatigue was due to that or covid. I lost 2kg, but that’s based on my last weight which was taken almost a month ago. But I have started eating food again and I’m worried I would gain it back. Having said that, I’ve started getting interested in making juices, and soooo I bought myself a slow juicer which cost a bomb, and therefore I better do it well.

[dearonewayinternet]

Sometimes, you are just looking for positive things about yourself.

Here’s a reason why I occasionally look at horoscopes.

[dearonewayinternet]

I have been contemplating our relationship.

Before I told him I loved him, I was unsure. But at that time, I said it because I know it would make him happy if I told him that I loved him back. Is that then love? To find comfort that it would make them happy even though you are unsure of how you’re feeling? Is love synonymous to care? How are they nuanced?

Weeks passed I became more comfortable with what I was feeling. I care. I lust.

There was also a period when I started to think about what was next for us. And I searched the internet for guidance but nothing was so unique to what we have. I do feel the love stronger when we are together, after that I feel that love marred by all his troubles. He’s thinking about himself, his sanity, his kid, his assets, and his responsibility to my emotions and in that state, sometimes I feel that he might just want to run away. I feel bad when I pester him to understand if he truly loves me. I should find comfort knowing that he does and just know that’s buried with so much more.

If I step back and try to be a beacon for us (at least for a while), is it worth all my troubles? I will feel neglected at times and I would need to talk myself into snapping out of a downward spiral. And do I have the mental capacity to always be the strong one?

What is with him? Why do I say he means so much to me? When asked what do I love about him? I just don’t know. Is it more like I treasure this feeling of being loved or special for a change? Is it because he’s the best sex I’ve ever had and I didn’t want to let go of that? Or is it because I don’t want him to find somebody better than me because that would hurt my feelings? I have overlooked a lot of things I said I would never entertain, like smokers or divorcees, or single parents. But I did for him, why?

Maybe I was generally curious about what a relationship was going to be like and I felt closer than I’d ever been. Give me this feeling, I’m so close! But I heard that these don’t last and that could be worrying and problem for another day. So I have to understand, why I’m with him. I don’t even have the nerve to introduce him to my friends.

Love is such a puzzling thing.

[dearonewayinternet]

Dear one way interwebz,

I have just gotten back from our trip in Paris. Prior to that, I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it because it’s been 2 long years since I ventured out more than 200km out from my where I live. And not only was I travelling finally since COVID (greatly worried about things I may miss out in terms of requirements), but it was my first time to travel to Europe since I used to live there. I was watching a lot of YouTube videos about things to watch out for when you’re in Paris, and they weren’t good. But I guess what I was also trying to do (or what I told myself I did it for) was the opposite of anticipation. To be as unexcited as possible so that I do not underwhelm myself when the trip is finally happening.

But is that a good thing? Why do I do this? I know.

I used to be so excited about things, and when they happen it’s underwhelming. So I have trained myself to keep my expectations low about things so that my energy/happiness level could only go up. But what I did not take into consideration (which I am realising now) is that the time I spent trying to be unexcited could’ve been time to be happy. The anticipation time is not parallel to the trip itself. Then how can I make both experiences the best they can be? Perhaps, just don’t think about the future if it’s to worry. The only time I will try to do that is if it’s a huge leap and I’m very uncertain about the outcome. And the only reason why we solicit these worst case scenarios, is to make peace with them and we will better perform in the coming days if we’re no longer scared.

[dearonewayinternet]

Dear one way interwebz,

I have recently been in love. One that included the other party to also confess their emotions. But we haven’t seen each other for a week or so and I terribly miss him. The kind that makes me cry on a daily basis. But let’s back track.

My mom has been staying with me for the past few days (well she planned to stay for a month.) Now for some people, this is a good thing considering COVID came and separated us for two years. But this isn’t for me! I feel like COVID was the best thing to happen for me and my family, to be connected from a distance. Because I honestly cannot stand my mom and we have completely different values. On top of that, I can’t stand that she’s fully dependent on me and not doing anything to help herself. And it’s a quality that I absolutely abhor. This whole month was really a test of my patience. On top of that, my Godma decided to spontaneously self-invite herself on the last week of her holiday. This was without any consideration to me. And expect me to just drop everything to organise everything for them.

Now I know what you’re thinking, this has nothing to do with him. But since last week, I have been looking for an opportunity to just catch up. You know we don’t even need to meet. Just a casual chat. But he just seems to be never available. Then pair that with the heightened stress of my current situation at home. My days feel so long. I am trying to be understanding. I also don’t want to think about anything. And I am tired. I cried every night coz I don’t know why I feel soooo alone.

Maybe he is trying to keep very busy to NOT be needy. Why are we torturing ourselves? Maybe he’s really not into this as much as I am. I mean, he doesn’t seem to be excited or comfortable to share anything to me. Nor does he seem to counter-propose another opportunity to chat. Maybe he just likes the game. Maybe I gave in to easily. Are we already dying?

Now it’s probably a terrible time to ask if anything is wrong, because from my perspective. Everything feels longer. But even so, I just wanted to say hi and it didn’t seem like he wanted to nor did he make time to, and that kinda hurts.

[dearonewayinternet]

well, i feel like shit.

So we are a few minutes from me turning 33. I've never had the most miserable birthday ever. I thought taking a week off would do me well. I mean it probably did. I'd be in a much worse situation if I were at work this week.

So, well. I hate myself right now for wanting to feel important. Well you fuck. And this time, I mean it. I'm really angry at myself for crying during midday for nothing. I just randomly wanted to not exist for a brief moment. I mean, I probably still do but I'm a fucking wimp. And if I do myself in, I don't fucking deserve all the tears (if there's gonna be any). I do applaud myself for going out for a walk, because well fuck, you need it. You fucking fatso. I am by the way, eating a slice of cake as I am typing this. A cake I bought myself for my fucking birthday, which I couldn't even wait for.

I thought I'd watch Bo Burnham. Because just like him, I like to evade my feelings with comedy. Or just the opposite of sad. But well, it was a terrible idea. It was all tooo relatable. And I'm probably not the only one feeling this way.

[dearonewayinternet]

Dear one way internet,

Today was one of those days where I just felt satisfied.

Scratch that, maybe content is the right word.

Scratch that.

Today, was the day I think that I finally made peace. That this is it.

That I was fixed, everything else to entertain my feelings would be a waste of anybody’s time. Because it’s just a repeat. Come back and try again.

I was alone in this apathetic mood. I was narrating my life to myself, like somebody was watching. It might also be because of all the living alone diaries that I have been watching. I don’t why I’m suckered into the whole thing. But anyway, today I pretended that I was going on a date and that I was getting ready. And I talked about this routine for dates so that I don’t have to think so much about everything else. The standard preparation, make-up, lingerie and the sweetheart dress. All the effort to look sweet and proper so that I can hide what a terrible person I am. And sure I spoke about my many accomplishments and all the words that looked good on paper in front of the mirror, and I acknowledged that I still felt inadequate. Because I’m terrible and I don’t deserve anything. Nothing about me is kind. I’m selfish. It’s just not in my nature to help or care about people. And after that monologue, I pretended that in my vlog … I decided to stay in bed. And that’s why my interpersonal relationships don’t amount to anything.

In my recent crusade to find someone who can tolerate me, it didn’t take them too long before they started asking for more. After a while, I just couldn’t tolerate them anymore. I am impatient and bored. I have been independent for most of my life and I’m not going to let anyone change me. Some may find that the ultimate measurement of success is going home to someone, or something. I think it’s more of a “good-to-have”, we’ll add it in the backlog. For now, I’m focusing on me, me, me. I’m a lifelong project. Having said that, I will probably die before this project is complete. And so yeah, this is it.

And being myself is a terrible thing. I’m a shitty person. It’s in my name. And the only guilt I feel is allowing someone to experience what terrible things I bring, and so I will spare them that. Leave this piece of shit alone.

Signing off.

Caca, the terrible. The piece of shit.

[dearonewayinternet]

Sometimes I feel like this is it.

Sometimes I’m ready. Then I think about failing and still existing with a fucked up body or no body to control.

[dearonewayinternet]

Dear one way internet,

I’m not sure why I’m itching to get a laptop with Windows OS. I think it all started because of that time I saw the beautiful Microsoft Surface laptop in all black. And also because Sims 4 released a new expansion packed called Eco Living (which I have purchased yesterday) and I really wanted to play it while watching TV in my room. But perhaps this all has to do with how the layout of the house is. 

So far the best contender I’ve seen is the Dell XPS 13/15/17 in terms of aesthetics and just about right power for my needs. But it’s still a very huge sum, and I’m not really sure how much am I saving if I bought a macbook pro instead. 

But I also have my iPad, which is also another thing that I’ve been so happy about. Now if only, I can install Sims 4 in there (and not the disappointing Sims mobile version). 

Anyway, had a little lunch chat with Marrie and we lightly tapped on the topic about my dad. It also made me realise how much we misunderstood him. But he just carried on, and he just wanted to do his thing and share with you what he has accomplished. We were so caught with mom and how she spoiled us with our wants, never realising that they were all ultimately from dad. It made me really sad how much we took him for-granted that I started to tear up. Somehow even though he is not around, I feel that he would be so proud of me, and I think he and I would hang out. He would help me out with my condo and help me build it, and that he would help me pick out a good sound system and the right appliances. He would also encourage my musical tendencies. But these are all made up in my mind, and I’ve been wrong about people (about the world) before. 

But we’ll keep his memory that way. 

[dearonewayinternet]

Dear one way interwebz,

I had a weak moment. Same as last week. But to be honest, I might’ve just been wallowing in self-pity. But why? I think I was lost, like I couldn’t figure out why was I so sad. But I guess we all have our times and I really wanted to just be in the presence of other people to either a) distract me or b) listen to me.

I was considering booking an ad-hoc session with my therapist and was wondering if I’ve become too dependent. But I thought tonight, maybe I’d give my friends a go. Because normally, you’d have friends to help you get through occasional turmoils, like you know ... a support system? The only problem is, I always feel that I’m wasting their time. And I don’t ever feel that way when talking to a therapist because well, it’s a win for them too. We both benefit.

It’s also catching on to me that I keep saying “My therapist said” ... but that’s because I’ve only ever really confidently shared my problems with her instead of sharing them with my friends.

Also, another reason why I think I’m wasting my friends’ time when I’m asking a moment of spotlight is because I don’t feel that I’m able to give them what they deserve in a genuine manner. Like I don’t know how to care for you unless I feel something. And most of the time, I don’t. And it worries me, so I try to make it up through gestures I think they expect me to do. I would like to avoid conflict. But mostly because I don’t want to be forgotten. And at this rate, I haven’t made a single impact and my existence never mattered.

This probably explains why I tear up when scenes in movies like when Coco’s father was fading away or when the childhood imaginary friend in InsideOut was fading away. Because I can relate so much, that is me.

Before my therapist, I would bunch up in a ball and deal with my thoughts all by myself. Implode. No friend to vent to, to seek advice from and just wish myself a painless death. Until the day I realised that my soul could survive and I would have to deal with myself for all eternity. Because that’s it! When you’re dead, there is no more distraction.

Side note: I’m a little weary that I’ve been showing signs of weakness. Because it’s becoming true, they’re able to see what a wreck I am. And eventually, they’ll get sick of me.

[dearonewayinternet]

Dear one way internet,

My therapist found another weak spot in me and forced me suddenly tear up halfway as I was talking about myself. But it’s hard to be all reflective now as I’m multitasking; writing down this entry to think about my homework and also watching Rupaul’s new episode.

One thing is that, I’m having this weird feeling of anxiety of what storm my mom is cooking up. It’s really terrifying me. Last week she just attacked my friend just because she didn’t get what she wants. I don’t know why suddenly my mom scares me, and I weirdly feel at her mercy. Like I just want to surrender, and cry and say ... “JUST DO IT, JUST PUNISH ME!” it’s better than all this emotional torture. I feel like that kid who was running away from my mom when she’s about to hit me. It’s stressing me so bad I had a dream about it. And all this time, I have been avoiding discussing my mom in therapy because I thought I was in a place that I didn’t want to touch. I was satisfied with just a weekly chat to avoid any conflict. But eventually, I find it hard to maintain. I find that talking to my mom is draining, and my mom really wants to be more in my life, but I just don’t wanna.

Anyway, what I came here to do is to write down all those moments that I’ve avoided things and what were the pros and cons of each and ALSO to perhaps rethink what are my values in my life. I just thought about it today:

1. I want to be free. That means no debt, no mortgage, no responsibilities. Not to be at the mercy of anything. To be able to make decisions without consequences, and if any that I would only be able to think of myself and nobody else. And to be free of insecurities.

2. I want to love and be loved. And I mean, to have a partner in life. People just assume that I have been so independent for so long, it must be what I want. Being independent is my specialty or that I am happy. We are plagued with this expectation to be strong, that we don’t need love because they think we love ourselves enough. That could not be any farther from the truth. I’m just keeping up with appearances. I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO LOOOVE MEEEE lololol

3. I want to sing/play some music. If I could think of anything I genuinely wanted to do, that’d be it.

[dearonewayinternet]

Dear one way interwebs,

I just came back from a fun evening with friends. Then for some reason, I reached home and felt utterly defeated. Like this random cloud just went over me and made me feel such sadness, like I just suddenly felt unworthy and inadequate. Like I'm forcing myself to be happy about myself even though in that moment in time, I felt rocks, tomatoes, fish thrown at me and I pretended that it's all alright. That it's all a joke. That I'm all okay.

You don't know the shit that runs through my head to convince myself that I should be laughing. This heavy feeling down my throat, to my chest, to the pit of my stomach.

That's what I feel all the time.

[dearonewayinternet]

Dear one way interwebs,

I was thinking about how much I've changed since I sought therapy. How I am a lot less affected now by things that used to bother me. I was able to see my life through the lens of others and really see how lucky I am. And I feel happy. I don't feel the guilt of discontent anymore.

I am also a lot more open now about how therapy has helped me be better. I was thinking about the time I refrained from telling people how lonely I felt. How I went to bed every night in tears. How I felt that I needed validation for the feelings I was having. Because I was one with high standards, who saw weakness in emotions, and I applied it to myself until I imploded. I was denying myself my feelings. I was telling myself that I was weak. I was very disappointed at myself for caving in. I made everything my responsibility, that all that's happening to me is all my fault. Own up to it, don't fucking cry, you did this.

And maybe that's why I couldn't reach out to people. I don't deserve it. I was told that I might need help. But I was also too scared the therapist will judge me. That my concerns were not valid. That I am just wanting attention, that what I'm feeling is an exaggeration. I decided that I was going to see if what I have is enough to warrant a piece of their time. I was even thinking that for somebody who was paying for their service, I felt like I was going to waste their time.

I felt trapped because I had so much feelings and I didn't know what to do with them. And that it's not a reason to seek help.

For someone who didn't care, I really cared a lot.

[dearonewayinternet]

I’m trying to get back on track about waking up at a certain time so I don’t feel sluggish for the rest of the day. But I’m giving myself a reason to snooze in considering I was up until 4am sipping on a nice inexpensive bottle of Bordeaux. Fancy wine is wasted on me. I really can’t tell the difference. It’s just good or bad for me, I don’t have such a sophisticated wine palette.

But anyhoo, I was dreaming about how I can resolve my VPN issues with work. And I had an idea, and after a while it failed. My only hope now is to make my way to the office and go to the pitstop on the 9th floor and get the IT guys to sort it out for me.

Anyway, I’m also trying to get my head out of the lazy, sluggish mood that it has been on in the past few days. So I’m making an effort to wake up at 8am every single day and get back to my routine. I haven’t listened to a single podcast in ages. And I also need to get my brain to its optimal alert state. I wanna keep going. I need to stop thinking about sleep debt. It’s a myth. I want to stop planning for sleep but instead plan for activities.

[dearonewayinternet]

I realized that David Bowie songs make for a good time. Like they're totally great songs to get drunk too.

[dearonewayinternet]

I needed to write down 100 things I wish to do:

Get a driver’s license

Do a jellyfish painting

Complete one song on the venova

Get my veneers

Go on 4 dates

Get spine alignment

Get my PR

Visit naples 

Learn a new song on the piano

Earn 3 mos e-savings

Visit a vineyard in Italy

Make azulejo tiles in Porto

Stay at La Mamounia Morroco

Stay at the Wine Barrel Hotel (Douro)

Stay at Chedi Andermatt Switzerland

Go skiing

Visit Belgium (Villers la ville)

Visit Naples

Go to obgyn for check-up so I can lower my life insurance premium

Sell Aurora Escalades House

Sell Magnolia Residences House

Go to New Zealand on the heli-hike on the glacier

Finish watching all Harry Potter films

Finish watching all 100 movies to watch in my poster.

Get poster framed 

Go get my ears checked. 

Study iOS programming

Get a bike

Go cycling at Pulau Ubin

Get a nose job

Finish watching all of Jean-Pierre Jenner movies

#100things

[dearonewayinternet]

Dear one way internet,

I was so excited to tell Diana (my therapist) the good news. I told her, I finally recognised happiness. I’m saying this because every time I think I’m feeling happy. I always overthink it and ask myself “Oh, am I happy?”, or is it that whatever he/she said is just really funny? Is thinking that something is funny really being happy?

But the past few days, I feel generally blissful. Like I could laugh and not think twice. I was certain that I was happy. And it may be because of a few things.

Well one, is that it was my birthday a week ago and I got everything that I could ask for. A chance to go out, hang out with my friends, a few gifts that I have been eyeing for, a healthy relationship with work, a well-paying job unaffected by the pandemic and an opportunity for another project. Besides, that I’ve also been taking steps towards things that I’ve been postponing such as getting my veneers. If it weren’t for that faceApp I wouldn’t have discovered how nice my smile would’ve been. Anything to boost my confidence. I’m also making peace with the idea of being a petite plus size lady. I hope this happiness and lack of stress doesn’t fade away. I want to be blissful forever.

With the right balance, I am able to further myself in all aspects and not be caught up by the pressures of life that I should’ve been paying no mind as they all didn’t add up to the ultimate goal. That vision of peacefulness in a place I shared with whom I love.

Last time she asked me to write down a few things I would’ve done if my dad was still alive. I looked at it and thought, that now that I can see clearly, I believe that I can still do everything I wrote down on that paper, like I can do anything. Like I can once again be that blissful, fun, feisty woman without a care in the world and make new adventures to tell.

Cheers.