dearerinlovehan

[dearerinlovehan]

Dear Erin tell Reagan

Reags,

You are the hardest person to write to. Honestly, I couldn't face you. I couldn't hear you voice because I knew I would break down.

Im sorry.

I hope you remember the last conversation we had. a drunk call between us but I hope you remember me telling you how much I loved you, how I think you're amazing and that the people you get to share your life with are lucky and you don't have to be anyone but yourself because you are enough. you didn't know this at the time but that was my goodbye to you. I didn't want you to remember me as sad and broken, I wanted your last conversation with me to be happy and light.

I spent a lot of my life trying to protect you from bad things and here I am causing you pain, im so sorry.

I am so proud of you. I feel like when we were kids I was like your mum and then we turned into this cool brother sister relationship that was more like we were equals. I brag about the fact that you still call me about girl problems and when things are going wrong. that you have me to vent to. im happy that I became someone that I needed when I was your age.

I know that you blame me for a lot of pain when I moved out and then moved to Queensland. im sorry for being selfish. I need you to be selfish sometimes too though.

if I could ask you one thing though. years ago I bought you a letter writing kit and I hoped that you would write me more letters, I kept every one that you sent. please keep writing to me even though im not there. take videos and photos of everything you do in life and keep them with the letters. I hope I'll be standing next to you as you write them. keep photo albums. don't do anything I wouldn't do.

I love you so much, im so proud of the person you have become and I know that you'll do great things. I can't wait to see you again.

han

[dearerinlovehan]

dear Erin, tell Loky

loky,

I am incredibly proud of your character development, the person you have become and the husband(soon to be) and father you are. I am so happy (and a little jealous) that you are being the person that we needed when we were kids to Raiden. I hope that because of this he will have the tools to figure out who he is in every stage of his life because you have created the safe environment to do so. I'm sorry for being so far away. Once you told me I was selfish for leaving, and I suppose it is from some views but being selfish sometimes is okay.

I'm sorry im not there for you and Paige and Raiden. I really do tell everyone I talk to about my nephew and how you say he is going to be in the NBA. I'm proud of your family.

One time when I visited, Paige mentioned that you talk about me to him. That he knows about his aunty han. You guys probably didn't notice, but that made me tear up a little. I didn't realise that I was that important to talk about to Raiden. please don't stop telling him stories. I hope that you will talk to my friends and be able to hear new stories about me once im gone. Please don't just tell him how cool and awesome and beautiful I was though. I've made a lot of mistakes, none that I would change though.

I know that you're going to feel a range of emotions for the choice I made to leave. I already know what you're going to say and yes, im stupid for doing this, im an asshole for it, that you are there for me no matter what and why didn't I just come to you. if it makes you feel better (I know it won't) but I completely agree with you. My decision is not your failure. you did not fail me.

always with you,

Han

[dearerinlovehan]

dear Erin, tell kristi-anne

dude, I have written you like a hundred of these kinds of letters. im sure you'll find them when you go through my stuff.

In every one of these letters I basically say the same thing, that im sorry. that I'll miss you. that you're my sister. and that I love you.

From the moment that we became friends, I knew you were my soul mate. you're literally my favourite person and I would dream about us being old on a porch somewhere with cool old lady hair and rocking chairs drinking margaritas. obviously I was going to be the old lady that had been divorced like 6 times to 4 different men and your guy would have been the ones bringing us margaritas.

when you go through my stuff, I have left you a note in my bedside drawer with my passwords on it. there's also weed in my buffet (left drawer) for you to smoke while you sift through everything. the list also includes my last wishes. I know you'll be able to make them happen. just in case the list is lost, ill pop it below (minus the passwords because fuck Zuckerberg idk)

there's a video on my computer titled 'how I want to be remembered'. that's my funeral video. I couldn't figure out how to put a song over the top (Apple Music was a trine make me purchase it and im cheap lol) please put 'do not let your spirits wane' by gang of youths over the top.

Gwen and Pierre will go to either my aunty Julie or Alice.

please cause at least one scene at my funeral. duh

I want people to carry my coffin lol I know it's dramatic but you know me. the people to carry it, my brothers, dad, Nikko o'keefe and Jamie purvis. I know you don't know the last two, but just find them on my Facebook.

I want you to go through my stuff first, get rid of anything that I might not want people to see.

cremate me. give a bit to those who want it (not my mother lol you know this tho) and then the rest of me into a biodegradable urn and plant me with a hawthorn tree.

I am currently wearing it but it will be given back to you guys, but I want you to have my necklace. grandad bought it for me. I know it isn't your style but just keep it safe and maybe you can even pass it to your little girl.

I love you ka

hann

[dearerinlovehan]

dear Erin, tell my dad

I don't know why I thought about this today. when I was a kid, there was a time (of many) that I was really sick. for some reason my mum allowed my dad to come and visit me while I was bed bound. he came and sat with me in my room and he even bought me flowers. I don't think I had ever gotten flowers before this. the flowers were tulips, a nice boxed bouquet of them. after that, tulips were my favourite flowers.

as I grew up and I went to my dads more often, he would always have fresh flowers on his dining room table. I'm sure that kiri was the reason for this but I loved that. they were always white Lillies. when I moved out of home properly, I would always make sure I had white Lillies in a vase similar to his on my dining room table. I hated having people over if I didn't have fresh Lillies on the table. they made me think of my dad (and kiri) and made me feel like I had nice traditions to be known for.

when I think about it, I didn't really know my dad a whole lot growing up or really to this day. I know him as a person a lot more now. this wasn't really his fault, it was partly mine but mostly my mothers.

to this day, I love Lillies and tulips. I use the same fabric softener that he uses because when I smell it I think of him, I even bought the spray version so that my couch and bed smell like it.

my favourite coffee mug was his, I stole it when I moved to Queensland. sure its like the perfect size and the handle fits my hand just how I like it (without my knuckles touching the mug because I like my coffee super hot). but I think I mostly like it because it was his. I like to tell people that it was his and how he stole it from metro and then I stole it from him and I suppose one day it'll be stolen from me because it seems the cycle and I hope that whoever has it after me appreciates its size and how it contains the perfect amount of coffee to make you feel more like a human for the day. maybe he will steal it back and start his days just like I started mine. maybe he will think of the agony I thought about when I imagined it ever getting broken.

I suppose I didn't realise until today how many things have bought me joy just because I associated them with my dad. I hope one day he sees this and he knows how much he meant to me.

Im sorry dad, I should have reached out more. I should have asked for help, I know you would have done anything for me had I asked. I know if the past could be changed, you would, but please don't. I spend a lot of my time dwelling on how things could have been different, things I should have done but it never does anyone any good to think of all the couldas shouldas or wouldas. we're exactly where we are meant to be. im mostly certain that everything I have mentioned above is new knowledge to you, how you have made little impacts on my life in a positive way and these are just mere examples because there's so much more. please never stop having Lillies and stealing mugs and doing little things because the little things are what matters.

I love you.

hann

[dearerinlovehan]

dear Erin,

have you ever added up all the things that chip away from you?

ive been thinking about that a lot lately. I find myself crying over tiktoks from strangers because they get to experience something that I have never and will never.

for example, I see a lot of videos from the genre 'hopecore' and many show people returning home whether its from war or just studying abroad or even just being away for their loved ones for long periods of time. the returning person always gets a over the top warm welcome. parents and friends cry of joy when they see them and they hug and its all just overwhelming love and happiness. I have surprised family when coming home before and it's treated like just another day and not that they haven't heard from or seen in months/years. there's no happiness, no tears, barely a smile. it chips.

I saw a video of a girl that had a rough day and went to her mums house and just crawled into bed with her momma and they just hug and there's no words needed but a other knows when her baby is sad and knows what to do or say or not say. I don't think I have felt that from any human let alone a parent.

ive always been seen as a difficult person. too much. being called too much chips me. in my opinion, its the worst thing someone can call you. it makes me feel like there is something so severely wrong with me and often when ive been called too much, its always when my heart has been in the right place. I really tried the whole 'if you think im too much then go find less' mindset but when so many people have told me that im too much maybe I am. I think therefore I am right?

now I know that this isn't true about you because I think of you all the time but I feel like no one thinks of me. im not really talking about in a pining way im talking more like no one checks in unless im catatonic. I feel like people only check in when they think im about to kill myself. because that's the pattern I feel like them checking in is only to soothe their conscious and not that they generally care. when I die, no one will actually know who I am today. part of that is my fault, I keep things surface level and sometimes only show one side of myself to people. but when I die, im not even sure everyone will know because no one knows who my friends are today, no one knows where I go or what I think about or even what I enjoy to do (not that I enjoy anything anymore but they wouldn't know that either) I don't mean to blame anyone, but I just feel so alone. I know that I can reach out too but I feel like I shouldn't have to 100% of the time.

[dearerinlovehan]

Dear Erin,

I know, my last post to you was a little dramatic... but the feelings are still the same.

We're over two months into 2024 and it's been an internal rollercoaster. I think about ending it all daily. Some days it's all I think about.

I haven't been to work, I actually got fired. I don't really want to go into that though.

I have been going to my cardiologist appointments and have found out that I have POTs and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. It explains a lot but mostly to me it means that I haven't been crazy this whole time. I am currently on medication that slows down my heart so it doesn't explode or something because it beats waaaaay too fast. normally people with pots have high heart rates when idle but my doctor explained that mine is too high all of the time but especially when idle. I have found some positions on my couch that have some relief but then I move or stand and all the symptoms that I have successfully put off come crashing onto me, almost like my body is keeping score and resenting the fact that I found comfort for a brief while.

I have been avoiding everyone that I can't lie to because I know that they'll see me or hear my voice and know that I'm not okay and I just can't disappoint them. I'm sure worrying them isn't much better but I just can't come to face the people that I love most.

I have been talking to some people, mostly those who have no idea what's happening in my life and would absolutely not be able to read me and know that I'm suffering. its actually nice because for a little while I can pretend that everything is okay.

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately, nothing that I remember now but for the first 20 minutes of waking up I can't calm myself.

I'm supposed to go to Alice's on the 15th to house/dog sit. I am looking forward to it but I am just overwhelmed with life I don't know if I can make it until then...

during January, all I thought about was how to end it all. those thoughts are still strong but before I didn't really have the means. I drove to the beach a lot at nighttime and would just sit on a bench or in my car and try and work up the courage to walk into the water and not come out. I couldn't do it because im actually more scared of water than I am of dying. weird right.

Now, I have all these pills that slow my heart rate. Surely if I take them all then it would just stop my heart and it might be more peaceful and I wouldn't wash up on a shoreline somewhere bloated from marinating in salt water. I'm just working on the timing now. I want to make sure the dogs will be okay.

I'll be with you soon Erin, I promise.

[dearerinlovehan]

Dear Erin,

you know those screams that come from a mother who has lost her child. those harrowing harrowing screams. full of pain. I am full of those harrowing screams. This pain is too much, im so alone.

I know that there are people that would be sad if I were gone, some even shook if I were gone. I do care that they would be sad too and I know that there's no winners in the suffering olympics but. I. am. suffering. more.

I hate that im going to cause my mumma to scream like those mothers. I just spoke to her and she looks at me with empathy and love. all I want is a big hug from my momma (Julie) but im here and she's there.

If im going to do this, I have to succeed because I don't want to go back to any of the places ive been. I don't want the dogs to see me like this. When im gone, make sure they go to my aunty Julie. When im gone, make sure you go into phone, let Zach Christ(text messages) know, Zac Dyer(WhatsApp), Dylan brown(snapchat), Lexi(text messages, but wait until she's back in Queensland, she just got engaged and I want her to have some more happy memories before she knows). make a post on fb and insta. let everyone know. I have multiple notes over the years address to a lot of people, I have left my journals out. I don't have any regrets, only that im about to cause everyone some pain. Man, I also wish I got to FaceTime with Zach.

I'll see you soon Erin. I'll get to see Emmey too. I've missed you both.

love,

Han

[dearerinlovehan]

Dear Erin,

I don't want to enter 2024.

I think this is it for me...

I'm alone on New Years Eve. I want to be with Dylan.

I found out that one off my friends died on Christmas Day. She got crushed by a tree in the storms. I feel guilty because the last tome she was here I didn't speak to her because ive been in this stupid depressive episode.

I have tried calling/messaging everyone. To try and take my mind off of this feeling. No one is answering, I suppose they're all out living their lives. as they should.

I did just speak to Reagan. I cried a little on the phone to him. I didn't want to damper his NYE.hes young, he should enjoy being surrounded by friends and fun.

I cant take this anymore.

Love,

Han

[dearerinlovehan]

Dear Erin,

Today was another write off. I've spent the day on the couch watching Sex and the City.

I barely spoke to Zach although when we did talk it was jokey and lighthearted. I did speak to my friend Mat for a bit, some jokey and some serious.

I don't think I'm really okay at the moment. I'm consumed with sadness and I don't know how much longer I can hold on. ive even made a video that I would ideally like played at my funeral. [if someone is reading this and I'm gone, it's titled 'how I want to be remembered' on my laptop]

Tomorrow is New Years Eve. I don't have plans, I'll probably end up exactly where I'm sitting now - here on the couch, with the dogs watching shitty tv. I have to go into work tomorrow to oversea them taking down the Christmas decorations, it might be a nice distraction to get me out of the house for a bit. I am getting cabin fever a tad. who knows, I might go get drew and I a coffee and bump into some handsome stranger that'll whisk me away to some party. A girl can dream.

Love,

Han

[dearerinlovehan]

11/06/2019

Wish there were more words to express how I feel.

My whole life has been one big war - Han against the world. I have taught myself and learnt by myself. I've done my own hair since the first grade. I made my own school lunches and held my own hand when times were tough. It's impossible for me to accept help, it tugs at my edges of my soul and every fibre in my body fights any sort of reassurance.

I'm a home maker. Not a 'housewife' but someone who needs to take any environment and make it warm and cosy. I nest. Up until now, my nest has often been a location where I can retreat to. I feel amazingly unsettled with the feeling of home within another.

Where our laughter and love is not only four cosy walls but it's perfectly picked out knick knacks that are precisely placed exactly where they're meant to be.

I've always wanted a bay window that I could sit in while it rains and feel safe tucked away in a cosy nook while it poured outside. I imagine your arms wrapped around me would feel like the cosiest and safest nook in the world and no matter what storm was happening around me, his arms would be the thickest glass to keep everything bad out. I know they will, his voice alone soothes my rage filled heart. makes me smile at old couples in love, makes me admire teenagers being cheesy in public. I beam from the inside when he calls me baby.

He makes me want to buy every photo frame I see because I just want to fill them with memories with him.

I never thought about my future but now, all I can see is late night adventures, slow dancing in the kitchen and gossiping on the couch after a long day.

All I know is that I don't feel at home anymore because my home is not a place, my home is you.

[dearerinlovehan]

Dear Erin

I know it's been a while since we've had a chat. I don't mean to leave things for so long. I've decided to write to you here instead of my journal, hand cramps you get it. Plus, I doubt anyone will ever see this.

I miss you so much, Erin. I wish you were still here to give me advice or even just have a shit talk like we used to. I am so lost, a lot of us are since you've gone.

I've not been at work for the last couple of weeks because of the holiday period. My work didn't pay me right also and they won't fix it until mid Jan and I'm hungry but I have to ration my money because I know I'll need to fill my car up to go back to work.

Courtney and I don't talk anymore. She has deleted me off of everything and honestly, I'm not too mad about it. It sounds shitty but I've been working really hard on myself and me and her at in different growth periods and I think she may be stunted emotionally and we will never be compatible in life. I am grateful for all she's done for me, as I'm sure she is too.

I've been talking to Zach again. I know what you're going to say, WHY?! Although I know that Zach and I probably won't work out, it's nice to have someone that knows me better than I know myself. I don't really have to explain myself in depth, he does understand me for the most part. Zach is a constant reminder that I can be loved in a way that you read about in storybooks and also that sometimes love just isn't enough. He says he'll FaceTime me this weekend, I'm not holding my breath.

I met a guy a few months back, D. It was like the movies, love at first sight - for both of us I think. He lives in Canberra, I went to visit in November and now he's here in Queensland and we've spent a lot of time together. I told him that wanted more, he told me that he has a lot on his plate and that distance was an issue. I can tell he regrets it and I want to beg him to change his mind but my begging to be loved days are behind me. Two months with someone and it felt like forever, I could see forever with him. If we were soulmates, he would want to try and he doesn't. A common trend with the relationships my life.

Love,

Han