dear--fucking--diary

[dear--fucking--diary]

28.10.22

It’s still hard for me to fall out of love and trust someone. I have a crush on a new boy, but it’s complicated like always. I don’t know why I always meet guys who makes me feel like shit and like I’m not the first choice and not good enough. It’s breaking my heart and no one noticed it the whole time. I’m struggling between staying and giving my all and leaving but saving my heart. The sad and bad thing about it is, that this one felt like we could really end up together, like we could really work it out. It felt so good the whole time. He had a lot of things I never knew I needed. Sometimes he makes me feel so good but other days he made me feel like I’m nothing. The way it is is still breaking my heart. Maybe he’s still not over his stupid ex girlfriend. A few days ago he told me, that he is’nt thinking that often about her, but sometimes. Didn’t feel good where he told me this. I think I should let go but I just can’t. I’m not brave enough to do this step.

[dear--fucking--diary]

09.05.20

It’s been a long time since I wrote something in my dairy. I think it’s time again. A lot changed in my life And of course a lot of broken pieces followed me the whole time.

I met someone who I thought is beautiful, turned out he’s just another asshole. Bad I don’t knew that before. Now I’m here again, alone. Someone I really liked, left me Alone in the dark and the saddest thing about is just that they never cared about me. They always cared about themself, they are happy and I’m crying. What kind of shit is this for real.

Now I’m stuck in that situation where I know exactly I need to leave but I cant because I’m afraid of being alone. That’s so stupid. I know I like him and I know he doesn’t like me the same way. He just wants one thing, nothing more. How can I let go of this? I hate this, the ist days I was crying so hard and I can’t anymore I don’t have any energy for this anymore 💔

[dear--fucking--diary]

“He was just part of your journey, but not your destination.”

— I. Zyers

[dear--fucking--diary]

To The One Who Loves Him Next 

You’re going to fall head over heels for him,  and he’s going to respond to you heart.  He’s going to make you believe that he’s “getting there” too.

He’s going to make you love him in ways you didn’t know existed. It’s all about how he notice all the little things.

You’re going to accept him for all his flaws and you’re going to believe you can change him. So therefore I’m warning you, there is nothing you can do until he learns to handle his own feelings. He is emotionally fucked up.

He’s going to hold you when your scared and wrap you in his loving arms while you’re crying. He’s going to kiss all your scars, both your physical and mental ones, and worst of all, he’s going to mean everything he tells you.

He’s going to treat you with respect and gratitude, but only on his own terms. Remember that.

Most of the time he’s going to treat you like he loves you with all of his heart. You’ll see it in his eyes, although he’s never going to tell you. He will believe his actions are enough, he’s never going to be able to say the words out loud.

He’s a good man, a gentle and caring one, but he will never be good enough for you. Sooner or later you’re going to notice that you’re crying more than you’re smiling.

You are going to believe everything is your fault, and you’re going to blame yourself for him leaving you.

I need you to remember that it was never you,  it’s always going to be his fault. He can’t wrap his mind around this thing called love.

But believe me when I tell you he is doing this for you. He truly doesn’t want to hurt you and genuinely wants what’s best for you, knowing he can’t give you what you deserve.

And trust me when I say, you’ll wish he did something wrong. You’re going to try to find ways to hate him. You’re going to find some way for him to look like the bad guy, and I promise you will for some time, but after a while you’re going to accept that he’s still the good, gentile and caring man you always knew. He just wasn’t ready for your big heart.

I’m sorry to say that you’re always going to miss him. You’re going to wish you two got more time, that you both could have been so much more if you just did “that” or didn’t say “that”. Believe me, I know, life isn’t going to be easy for a long time.

After some time you’re going to accept the fact that what you had was just a chapter that wasn’t meant to last. You’re going to let him go, even though you’re always going to miss HIM.

You’re going to find love again, in someone who treats you better in every way he couldn’t. You’re going to love again, you’re going to fall head over heels for somebody else, but your always going to miss him.

(And sometimes they come back, but remember your worth. Because I almost forgot mine)

Love always, A

[dear--fucking--diary]

30.04.19 22:08

Today was a very weird day, I don’t know what do you think abozt us or what do you want. Do you want to stay? Do you want me to stay ? you Always came back, but everytime you came back it’s getting worse after a few days. You don’t know how much you break yourelf with that and me too. You have no fucking idea. I can’t stop thinking About you. You are ervy Little fucking thought inside my head. I can’t do anything against it. I know we both cried a lot, but I think this only Shows how much we love each other, but your love was never strong enough to stay for a long time. You never saw what I did the whole time for you, how much I fighted for you. I Always wanted you to stay, but I think after every breakup you lose me a little bit more. You Always think you are the victim of all this, but think abou all what you did too ok, thanks. I never wanted to let you go, but I think Maybe this time is near. I can’t fight everyday so much for dont get anything back. Trust me, I will always love you, and I never loved someone the way I loved you. You was my favourite hello and my hardest goodbye. You are my heartbeat, my whole life. You always said I don’t understand you, but there’s so many things you don’t know about the hurt I went trough the last years. You don’t know what Kind of love i saw and everything. You Always SEE ME AS THE WRONG PERSON HERE, do you really think you didn’t anything wrong ? seriously ? i will love you forever, promise

[dear--fucking--diary]

06.03.19 12:27 AM

Today is one of the worst day in my life. It all started yesterday, when ou broke up with me, not like the other times you did, where you wanted me back. This time you was seroius, it’s over. Forever. All I ever wanted, was to be with you, to make you happy, to be the perfect girlfriend to you. But just like always, I failed. I’m still waiting for your message, that you want me back. That you realized, no one will ever love you more, than me. And i promised you I will always love you, and not like you, i was seroius. You are stll the love of my life. No one can ever take your place in my heart. No one can give me the kind of love, you gave me. I miss you, and I cried the whole night, and as i woke up today, it continued. I can’t stop thinking about you, how is it so easy for you to forget me? I thought we were meant to be forever. But of all your lies ou told me, “i love you” and “i miss you” was my favourite one. I will never forget our first date, our first sex, everything. All our cute memories, all the cute photos and vides we took. I will always love you, for the rest of my life. i hoped, you would too. #fml

[dear--fucking--diary]

Dear Diary 12.11.18 20:59

I don’t know how to describe my feelings. I know it sounds weird, but I still want to be with you. Since I met you, I want nothing more than just be around you. I know it’s stupid, but I really miss you. The fact, that you don’t even care about me, is killing me so hard. And I don’t know why you don’t aswer any of my messages, but now you’re not reading it anymore. I don’t know what I did wrong, but trust me I ask myself every day. But I can’t find any answers. There are some thoughts but how could I know the real reason, when you’re not tlking to me in any way. Everyday where I see the snaps you post, or send, it hurts. Every snap that I see, hurts. It breaks my heart. You are the one where i could imagine a relationship, and now, you’re gone, like all these other guys before. I hate what they all did/do to me. I don’t deserve it right ?! I want you so bad, and the fact, that you don’t even want me a little bit is destroying me. I hate what you do to me ~ still don’t understand, still not happy

[dear--fucking--diary]

29.10.18 04:06

Since I was at your house you are so weird to me, I don’t know why or what I did wrong but it fucks me up since the day you weren’t writing like before anymore. I miss the one who texts me back very fast and show me interest and that he may like me. Where s this boy gone? Please tell me. Sometimes I imagine how it feels if I would lay in your bed, in your arms, kissing each other and cuddling. I don’t know why but I miss you, maybe you could be the one who can turn me into a good person again. I don’t know what I’m feeling, or just why am I feeling like this, but that’s the fucking truth.

~ want you back..

[dear--fucking--diary]

[dear--fucking--diary]

Today it hit me 08.08.18 02:00 AM

It hit me in so many situations. I don't know why I'm thinking about you since Saturday. Really, I don't know why. You seemed so perfect, like you're one if the good one, but I don't know if you are or not. I really liked you and liked the imagination of you liking me too.. I don't know if I should write you, or just do nothing. Fuck my life I don't deserve this shit. Why can't I find my Prince too? It hit me so hard I just wanted to cry. ~ just want you to write me

[dear--fucking--diary]

Now I realized 29.07.18 04:43 AM

Now I realized that I didn't mean anything to you. It hurts very much and I cried, but that's okay. Sometimes it's okay to cry everything out. Sometimes you have to. Then I played the piano to let all my feelings fall down and it's still my passion - music. I felt better but then I cried again. All the things my ex told me came out. That he told me, he never even loved me, he didn't feel anything for me. All the flashbacks, I can't stoped my tears. I think I never even meant anything to a boy, no one could ever love me that strong how I loved them. And if they ask me about you, I just hold on a second and just answer "not anymore". It hurts every time I hear your name. You destroyed me and I still loved you. How broke must someone be to do this. I just wanted to be yours but you never want to be mine. I don't know what I did wrong but tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart? Sometimes I think about you, how you doing with your new girlfriend, I hope you are happy. I thought I was too, but I wasn't. Every time I meet a new boy, it feels right for a moment, but then they show me that I'm not worth it, like I don't deserve a good men, and I don't fucking get it. No one sees what I just do for them. It hurts so much, every fucking time. I'm the one who's crying at the end. Why does no one ever cry about me? I feel so lonely, unwanted and just unloved. Please save me from another nightmare. I just want this to end. ~ night thoughts

[dear--fucking--diary]

28.07.18 05:05 AM

Yesterday it seems so perfect just to be with you than you looked at me and I was like fuck I'm so in love with you. But I don't want to. I'm always the one who loses the game. I'm always the one who do anything for the person who don't even do anything for me. But why am I like this ? Today I remembered that im just like the other girls to you. I don't mean anything to you. It's okay because we never speak about anything like that. But I don't understand how you act and how you talk sometimes. Sometimes I feel like okay I do mean a little bit to you and then in a few seconds the completely opposite of this. I know I have to end this between us. But I don't know how. I just don't know how to talk to you about your mistakes. And trust me you did many. You treat me like a cigarette, I'm there if you're in need for something but after that you throw the cigarette away and it's just important, next time you're in need. All of my friends were so right, you are a fucking asshole, a fucking liar, and just a fucking piece of shit. I don't care how you treat the other women around you but what matters is how you treat me, and this is what hurts. I can't handle this any longer. I just want to be with you and I just want to fucking slap the hell out of you. Today you showed me that I'm nothing for you. But that's okay, just like always. You're the one who wins and I'm the one who loses. You don't see what I did for you every day, every night. I have to forget you and I have to go and leave, just like you every time. We're not friends, not lovers, we are just nothing and that's what I know today. Thanks for everything but also nothing. I hope karma will find you and fuck you so hard, that you know how it feels to be treat like a fucking piece of shit. I compared myself to so many woman so many friends of you, it's okay cause I understand. They are prettier, skinnier and maybe more intelligent. Then go for it, and fuck yourself, thanks. ~ Goodbye

[dear--fucking--diary]

25.06.18 2:59AM

This weekend was kind of weird. I can't stop thinking of you and I don't know why. I don't want falling in love with you. I don't want another heartbreak. I don't know how you're feeling about me. Sometimes your Signals are so fucking clear and than you start acting like a real asshole again. Every hug from you feels beautiful, like I can feel safe there. But I don't want this. It feels like mu whole world is crushing down just because you don't act like I want you to. It hurts sometimes but I try to ignore this. Nobody wants me at their girlfriend. I'm just the girl who's nice fucking with. But I'm tired if this shit. Where's the man who still loves me for who I am.

[dear--fucking--diary]

07.06.18 12.07 AM

I just started crying but I don't know what was the main reason. Maybe it's enough, maybe I can't handle this shit anymore. Some people should get out of my life but I don't know if it's getting worse or better if they leave. Everyday I'm thinking about you and it fuck me up. I don't want to but I do. It feels like my whole world is nothing for you and your nothing is my whole world. That sounds crazy but that's the truth. I don't know how to talk to you like what is too much and what isn't ? I just want you to tell me that im worth it that you like me too. But deep down I know that this will never happen and I have to move on. Without you. Without any thought of you. Still loving you

[dear--fucking--diary]

06.05.18 05:06

It's all getting worse than better. Now I'm at this point where I know I lost you and try to find out why end most important when. It all doesn't make sense to me. I just want you but you want everything but me. It hurts so fucking much. Like somebody shoot me and every time a new bullet gets into my heart. I'm still missing the old you. And I know that's stupid but I hope that you realize that you and I were meant to be. I'm still want you by my side. I know it sounds weird but you are the person who makes me feel again but at the same time you're the reason why I feel bad. I just want goblet you go but still want that you're in love with me. I can't get over you this easy and this make me feel very terrible. Every time I imagine you with the girl you may love it hurts like hell. It seems like it over. You 2 and me. Everything between us. I can't stand this right. Imagine that an other girl so sleep g Still can't sleep, bus

[dear--fucking--diary]

19.04.18 00:24

Now it's all weird. I'm missing you when you're not around and the fact that you're not sleeping in my bed is slowly getting me so upset. I know that you're in another bed with another girl right now. Let me guess you didn't even think about me today. But that's okay. It feels like nobody wants to hold me. Everybody is throwing me away after a short time. It hurts but I learn to let go i learn to move on. Without you. I don't know how but I know I have to. You made me cry more times than you made me love. This won't be end in a good way. The first time about "breakups" is the worst. Because you compare everything to this person and even a fucking tree can remind you of him. You'll stop listening for so many song because you know if you hear these songs you start crying like a waterfall. Then comes the time when you forget his voice and his smell all around you. This hurts so much. At this time you want him back so bad but you can't to this. He destroyed you. He left you alone even in you darkest times. Missing our old times - have a great life good bye honey

[dear--fucking--diary]

11.04.18 01:36

Can somebody tell me why I deserve this? It feels like I'm sinking and you are the one who do anything to support this. I font know if I'm just want to talk to you 24/7 or to cut you put of my life. Why can't you just say what you think and end all this struggle between us. You make me laugh and cry at the same time. I miss you. The old you. I just miss the first conversations between us