deadreligions

[deadreligions]

Beginning

Chapter 1.

A true story.

I don’t know why i’m writing this. I don’t know why I feel that after all these years, that this might be the most forward way to conclude this internal dialogue of what was real and what wasn’t. I have the journals. Scratched in words filled with anxiety and lust wrapped up in a toxic relationship that ultimately determined my path in life.

We go back

 We go back

We go back

Down

Down

Down

Do you care to follow?

It might hurt.

Enjoy the ride.

July 11, 2007

The air is crisp and rolls through my window, it's hot and the air feels so heavy in this monstrous room that I share. I’m tired. My heart still hurts. I don’t understand why I’m being forced out of this relationship that I've been in for like a year almost, my parents can be so uptight. I still remember my mom wigging out after finding out I use tampons over pads now at the ripe age of 14, but oh man when they found out I lost my virginity they completely lost it and banned me to my singleness and internal loathing. My whole last year of 8th grade was nothing short of craziness and experiments that some people would highly question. Maybe i’ll let you know a few things but until then i’m trapped in this fucking room left to my own devices, maybe i’ll make a habit of journaling every thought that happens to cross my mind but i’m sure its going to be a boring summer. Who knows. I’m going back to bed.

July 11, 2007

DUUUDE my mom came in and said that I can go to the lake with her and my sister! I’m super unmotivated but the idea of being able to be outside for a few hours might just cure this aching heart. I don’t know, maybe i’ll actually catch a decent tan for once instead of just burning to a crisp per usual pastiness. I may have some hispanic through me, but the irish trumps all and provides olive skin with long thick brown hair that is almost unmanageable sometimes. I sometimes feel like a decent blend of both ethnicities but who's to say, I never felt like I was that special anyways. I’m rambling. Again. 

I couldn’t put my finger on it yet, but this anxious feeling was washing over me and I couldn’t think as to what it might be. I tongued the side of my cheek in hopes of a distraction. My mom was busy driving and enjoying the 85 degree weather to notice any signs of worrisome. My younger sister tuning out just as much but more or less excited for this impromptu trip to the lake. We haven’t lived here long but the scenic trees that nestle in the great seattle regions felt like home when compared to the dry desert of Richland, Washington. I could almost breathe in the moisture. When it came time to finally turn off of an intersection towards the waterfront, the anxiety feeling became almost overwhelming and knotted in the pits of my stomach, I felt so uncomfortable in my two piece bathing suit in public. Mainly because even at 120 pounds of flesh I felt so out of touch with myself and the way I looked. I wasn’t nearly as developed as the girls in my 8th grade class and the averageness of myself was almost glaring. I wanted to sink into fall already.

“You ready? Now I understand that you’re under a tight restriction but I couldn’t resist giving into this day, it's all nice and what not. I don’t know what's gotten into you, but maybe a day out with your family would be good for you. I love you, but I just need you to be safe okay?”

I tried to understand what she was implying, but all I heard was the echoing insecurities and everything that followed was you aren’t going to date. Ever. Again. I shuffled out of the front seat and replied with a simple yeah just to mull things over with her, I honestly didn’t feel comfortable talking to my mom about how I was feeling let alone what others were doing at my age. She wouldn’t understand. 

I had to guide my younger sister by my side and slowly walked down a narrow path that would eventually open up into a huge entryway with trees lining the way, almost guiding you into a private oasis surrounded by greenery. The lake big enough to swallow as far as I could see, I felt drawn to be enveloped by it. I wanted to be weightless. My younger sister took no reservation by running gleefully into its depths, and sinking into its lucrative fluid that made her shiver with laughter. My mother’s hearty chuckle that barreled through her chest and a side eye that questioned my own enthusiasm. 

“You getting in?”

I shrugged my shoulders hoping maybe she would let me sit down and enjoy the scenery but of course that’s not the case.

“Go on, I have some reading to catch up on and you need to be outside at least for a little bit this summer so I suggest you enjoy it while you can.”

“FINE.” I was entirely annoyed with the situation but I knew it was also pointless to start with her once she gets going, besides anything is better than that dreaded room at this point. I dropped my towel and glasses and kicked off my sandals, and was soon already crossing the waterfront pier slicked with water from the numerous people jumping off of it. One by one, gainers and backflips performed for onlookers who waded in the water below. Girls about a year or so older than I were crowding towards the corner of the pier and hoping to find a suitable partner for the summer. Like a mating call. Flocking with all of their colorful feathers and huge tits luring all the possibilities that would fling themselves. I felt awkward. I definitely didn’t want to jump but standing there completely dried alone just screamed weird. I wrestled with my thoughts for a second at most and was disrupted by cheers of the cackling hyenas, giggles and hushed words implied that whoever it was, was the flavor of the day. I stared at the water hoping to catch a curious glimpse at this suitor that seemed to have wooed a slew of young women and was surprised. His hair caressed his skin with its onyx waves while he moved gracefully through the water, like butter being passed through with a knife, his body cut out of the water as he hoisted himself through with the ladder joined to the waterfront. I studied his muscles that moved in symphony as he moved hand over hand, water dripping from every crevice and cut. Like marble cut fresh and polished over. My face felt hot quickly as soon as I noticed that he had turned and met my gaze. I felt exposed. His eyes were haunting pools of black that seemed to have burned when looked at for too long. I turned my head, maybe looking at the water and pretending to search for my sister might make him advert and continue whatever conversation he was having at the time with one of the hyenas. It didn’t. 

“Hello.”

A caramel voice oozed a greeting and left me frozen. I jumped because I wasn’t convinced that this person is literally talking to me, I even looked to my left sure that I was mistaken and was confused to see that I was.

“Uhhh… H-hi?”

“So are you just going to stand here the entire time or are you actually going to go swimming?”

“Well I, u-uh, Yeah I was planning on it but I wasn’t sure how the water felt or anything and didn’t want to freeze to death you know?”

Really. Thats the best you could come up with?

He ran his hand through his hair shaking the residual water out, he cracked a smile as if he knew that was obviously a bluff but something read that his black pools were soft. They greeted me warmly. 

“Come.”

His hand outstretched covered with veins and light hair that speckled through, warmth is being offered from a strange man so why not. Not like I have anything better to do. 

“Okay…”

I took his hand and trusted him as he guided me toward the end of the waterfront, questioning looks from the pack and I could feel the intense analysis of my body being a process. 

“Hey, I realized I didn’t ask your name?”

The more we walked, the more slick it became thick with wet bare feet running through repetitively. I leaned way more into his hand than I wanted too but lord, I was not about to bust my ass on the ground.

“Quinton, but you can call me quint for short, usually everyone does. What's yours? Sorry I’m horrible at introductions.” He suppressed a light laugh and maybe a hint of embarrassment? We finally came at the end of the waterfront and was briefly introduced to his friends, Micah and Max, both seem to be the main culprits of the suitors that the pack was still lingering around. Micah was short, maybe as tall as me at 5’ 7 with copper hair that had ringlets dangling about his pale face, something said that he and Quint were close based on the eye gestures Micah tossed about, he looked up to him. 

“Oh no, you did not let my man lure you in!”

Max smiled wryly at Quint and made his gaze back over, green eyes greeted me kindly and offered an olive tree of friendliness amongst strangers.

“ I’m Max, seems like you’ve already met Quint, don’t let him convince you to do anything because unfortunately he has a bad habit of doing it with us.”

“Hence all the extravagant diving!” Micah waved his hands about and bowed in an incredibly dramatic fashion. “Quint being the swim nut that he is, he’s always trying to level up everyone and it gets old but it's okay, at least we can play into the benefits right?”

Micah gave a wave to the girls still idling near bye and a squeal of giggles erupted, I laughed nervously and tucked as much hair behind my ear that I could before giving a reply.

“Well I actually just met him, he thinks i’m weird for being dry and watching everyone swim but I just don’t want to get cold!” I playfully rolled my eyes, maybe if I match the same enthusiasm that was presented I might just be able to get away with being cool, these guys were obviously a few years older than me so why would I ruin that opportunity? That's all I heard about from high school, the benefits of being with older people in upper classes and that you can get access to anything was enticing.

I noticed that the entire duration of talking to the guys, Quint was still holding my hand, and while typically I would feel absolutely weird and probably creeped out about it something was just so familiar. It felt normal. Quint was quicked to assess the conversations and was reserved, almost as observing but providing small touches of smiles and shrugs here and there, He was even quicker to notice my thought process and was able to put two and two together.

“Ready?”

The guys who were laughing moments ago became serious instantly, They both gripped the side of the waterfront and lifted themselves perfectly to a standing position balancing seemingless. I couldn’t help but gaze in awe as a perfectly timed synchronization of twisting and flipping through the air was accomplished and disappeared into the water below almost within a blink.

Quint pulled on my hand issuing that I should follow, I nervously did but was not quite sure what he was expecting me to do, I cant jump and do crazy flips like that! The more I walked the more I felt like I didn’t belong there. That I should leave. The intense pit back again and barreling deep into my chest now and the heavy thumps proving louder in my ears, I was sure he could hear it. He guided me to the edge of the dock. I looked at him and told him that I was scared, I don’t know you and I don’t want to jump but I feel like I must. That I have too.

“It’s okay stranger, you just have to trust me.”

And just as quick as was spoken, the icy waters caved in around me and pulled me

Down

Down

Down

Into

The

Abyss

You 

Held

Me

In

The

Darkness

And I wished to never come up for air again.

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