deadminded

[deadminded]

top surgery in a little over two months. gonna build muscle and get in an exercise routine while i wait. hopefully i can get rid of some of the binge fat. also i'm quitting artificial sweeteners, so no more stevia or erythritol or diet soda or energy drinks or protein powder. shit makes me crave food like crazy.

[deadminded]

also i gained like 6-7 kg in a month from binging so thats <3 never fucking going on any appetite increasing medications ever again in my fucking life, a lot of my restriction habits are just gone and it’s really hard to get back into the mindset. i guess that’s cause i’ve been trying to recover for the SOLE PURPOSE of stopping the binges because i hate myself when it happens but yeah. i find myself wanting  to eat all the time and impatiently waiting for the hunger to appear so i can Consume something, and i guess thats just kind of the situation when you’ve been starving; you miss food so much, and it takes time for the body to realize that it’s not scarce.

also i think i developed an association between mfp and binging because i logged my binges (in the beginning, after a while i gave up lol). so i’ll have to work on removing that connection and rewiring.

idk i just really want to be skinny. i want that feeling of confidence and control i get when i restrict, when i’m in a deficit. i feel sharper and calmer, i GENUINELY do a lot better in school because i have more motivation. i become this machine of productivity.

[deadminded]

what if i... bought a new scale and didnt tell my boyfriend. and started counting calories again... hmmm the temptation. i hate recovery and im honestly just waiting to get top surgery so that malnutrition won’t affect the healing process. then i’ll relapse at some point.

[deadminded]

i just realized that i use binge eating to deal with the immense amount of anxiety that i feel on a day to day basis. cool.

[deadminded]

it's been 76 hours since my last dose and holy fucking shit. it's literally the reason i had such overwhelming cravings, especially for sugar. a week ago i literally skipped school for two days just so i could binge until i felt like vomiting, which is so fucking uncharacteristic of me but makes so much more sense now that i realize what has been going on. ill never take that shit again ohh my fucking GOD

i realized that my medication has weight gain as a side effect so i went off of it cold turkey <3 i think that's why i've had such horrible binges/urges to binge the past week. i would rather feel relief from social anxiety a few times a month from my phenibut self medication rather than feeling slightly less reserved every day but depressed and constantly eating and feeling cognitively impaired. that is all.

[deadminded]

bestie i am withdrawing and i haven't slept in 36 hours let's see if this night will also be sleepless

i realized that my medication has weight gain as a side effect so i went off of it cold turkey <3 i think that's why i've had such horrible binges/urges to binge the past week. i would rather feel relief from social anxiety a few times a month from my phenibut self medication rather than feeling slightly less reserved every day but depressed and constantly eating and feeling cognitively impaired. that is all.

[deadminded]

i realized that my medication has weight gain as a side effect so i went off of it cold turkey <3 i think that's why i've had such horrible binges/urges to binge the past week. i would rather feel relief from social anxiety a few times a month from my phenibut self medication rather than feeling slightly less reserved every day but depressed and constantly eating and feeling cognitively impaired. that is all.

[deadminded]

[deadminded]

why am i SO much more motivated to be productive when i restrict? i can focus a lot better and i do better in school

[deadminded]

me: *almost faints while going down the stairs*

my ED: congratulations!

me: what the fuck

[deadminded]

[deadminded]

“i’m on a diet too :) it’s because of the corona kilos, not at all because of my own decisions! teehee” 

i’m gonna fucking start using mfp again holy shit my mom has no idea how triggering her comments can be. yesterday while we were eating she asked me if i’d eaten a lot today because i had been trying to be open about my ed because i was struggling a lot with trying to recover, and we were about to have takeout. the pita bread i got had so much dressing. 

i fucking hate this binge phase, i want control back. i want to feel like i’m accomplishing something. i am going to restrict so fucking much and recovery is a fucking sham, i feel bloated and it hurts when i binge because i literally can’t stop eating. i’m so fucking angry at myself and the world and just... fuck this.

[deadminded]

I think we’re all entitled to a little substance abuse in times of great strife

[deadminded]

aiiight i binged for five days straight, trying to get out of the binge mindset and back into normal eating or high restriction. maybe if i incorporate binge foods into my restriction i won’t binge because they’ll be less novel/forbidden?

[deadminded]

maybe i'll start having deliberate cheat days or something idk.

fucking christ, i keep having these "i'm going to recover and this is me responding to extreme hunger, it's ok"-binges every few weeks and then jumping back into restriction and i honestly don't know what the fuck to do. obviously the logical answer is to recover but right now i'm scared that my testosterone levels are too low so what if i gain fat in feminine places? i literally relapsed because i wanted to speed up fat redistribution, i don't want it to be a complete waste.

[deadminded]

fucking christ, i keep having these "i'm going to recover and this is me responding to extreme hunger, it's ok"-binges every few weeks and then jumping back into restriction and i honestly don't know what the fuck to do. obviously the logical answer is to recover but right now i'm scared that my testosterone levels are too low so what if i gain fat in feminine places? i literally relapsed because i wanted to speed up fat redistribution, i don't want it to be a complete waste.

[deadminded]

my boyfriend made me eat stuffed pasta at 12 am and i just want to lash out at him now because it's midnight. im still below maintenance i think but i HATE being force fed and this is the third time today he has made me eat