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dazai-on-my-mind · 6 hours

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thinking about the absolute bullshit dazai and fyodor must have pulled while they were in jail either to troll the guards or troll each other like

for your amusement i have compiled the guard's notes, i intended originally for this to be a short haha moment and now it is a full blown fic help

Day 1: Been given the assignment to watch two of the most high profile criminals we're keeping here, sort of scared, I've heard some rumors that they can manipulate your mind. The day was pretty quiet though, considering, Dazai was put in his cell without incident. Dostoyevsky had already been here for a while. But he didn't actually react at all when Dazai was transported, just went about his reading like usual. Refused to even look up. It was kind of odd.

Day 1 entry 2: Dazai spent most of the rest of the day just staring at Dostoyevsky, sitting on the bed, looking around the cell. I hope he wasn't trying to find some way to die, we were told to take extra precautions for that. But it was alright. It was pretty creepy though

Day 2: Dostoyevsky continued to ignore Dazai until Dazai attempted to initiate a conversation. At first it was just "hey" and a variety of odd pickup lines like "hey baby are you a noose because i want you to choke me". I think it was humor, but I'm not even sure. Since everything is glass, he can see Dostoyevsky showering. The man catcalled him. Multiple times. I don't know what to say about that.

Now I'm certain that Dostoyevsky is ignoring him on purpose, he refuses to even make eye contact. I'm beginning to think they might have more of a history than I'd thought? My job is to watch them, so it might as well be my business. I don't want to take sides, but I think Dostoyevsky's right to ignore him... this guy seems like a menace to society. Probably just as well he's stuck in here.

Day 2 entry 2: Dazai seems to be very adament in harassing his cell neighbor until he cracks. I don't know whether to believe the stuff he's saying or not, but he's clearly fully aware of the glass box he's in and how supervised they are. That probably makes it easy to use these weird personal stories as blackmail. I'd been warned they'd try to continue their horrid operations in here, and that they had very sophisticated methods of communicating, but it really just seems like Dazai enjoys bothering him. It feels like i shouldn't even be listening to be honest- he's all like loudly broadcasting "oh long time no see, fyodor dostoyevsky my beloved rival, i'm glad you decided to talk to me because i still have your nudes good sir and lemme tell you you are looking Fabulous and i enjoy them every day!!" LIKE KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF PRISONER 576 HOLY GOD ALMIGHTY I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS IT

Day 3: The prisoner Dazai got out of his bed at 3 AM and made "psst psst" noises in Dostoyevsky's direction until he woke up. Dazai proceeded to ask if he had a crush on anybody. Dostoyevsky looked about to scream at him but still did not crack.

Dazai refrained from attempting anything else for most of the day, sitting there and thinking about god only knows. But at around lunchtime, he proceeded with no precedent to recite the entirety of infamous internet fanfiction "my immortal" from memory.

I wonder for his sanity.

Fyodor finally made eye contact with Dazai, and they just stared at each other for a long time blinking? I think they might have been using morse code, those absolute monsters- but I coudln't keep up with it for the life of me.

Seeing them apparently cooperating scares me a lot more than Dazai's odd stories.

Day 4: I'm still not sure if they're actually talking? Dazai is still saying weird out of pocket shit, but he's calmed down a bit. Now it just doesn't make that much sense at all. I looked up "one bad gloop and she do what i yoinky" but I didn't come up with anything. He might just be insane. Fyodor certainly hasn't said a word, he spends most of the day aimlessly humming and reading. By now he must have finished his book, but he just starts it again whenever he finishes it????

Day 4 entry 2: Just realized the pages of the book are blank. What the fuck. How did he even get that?

Day 5: I asked Dostoyevsky if he wanted to be moved to a different cell, surprisingly enough he said no. I asked why, he said he actually enjoys being tormented day and night. I'd say that checks since the only book he asked for was a copy of the bible. Asked him why he was reading a blank book. Proceeded to tell me I must need new glasses because he's clearly reading the rainbow fairies book #376. I thought he was the sane one, but perhaps I was wrong.

Day 6: Maybe those two are the true rainbow fairies. Fruits, if you will. Why do they look at each other like that. They're both humming in harmony now. Can't tell if they're just gay or if they're gay and also communicating with some brain waves or whatever.

Day 6 entry 2: oh my god they're actually talking to each other hold on im gonna record this

Dazai: [sitting on his bed] -can't believe you're reading the bible, trying to be all pious or something? gonna repent from the terrorism after you get out? oh nevermind, this is a life sentence. Look at the little christian boy reading his little christian book do you wanna fuck jesus-

Dostoyevsky: [looking up and sighing dramatically] for god's sake, could you shut up for five fucking seconds? I'm trying to read.

Dazai: [far more pleased than he was probably trying to look] omg hiiiii hiiii fyodor finally decided to talk- hiiii. [waving and swinging his legs back and forth]

Dostoyevsky: your life sentence is gonna be real short if you dont shut up

Dazai: all the better. now how do you plan to get me out

Dostoyevsky: why would I do that

Dazai: ur bible man says to love thy neighbor right? I'm your neighbor now. It means you're obligated to make passionate gay love to me at least once

Dostoyevsky: how would I do that through glass

Dazai: uh. wanna play chess?

Dostoyevsky: [sets down his book] ah.

So they're... playing chess now. Just calling out their moves. These guys are fucking scary. Just. Having way too much fun with it, saying stuff like "oh, Well then" and "hmm" and "ahh" and "you Demon" at each other. I'm watching with one of those virtual chess things, they're freakishly good. Considering their raised heart rate and temperature this might be their way of. having sex

I hate my job So much

Day 7: I don't know whoever's in charge of this around here, but giving Dazai and Dostoyevsky cells next to each other was a mistake. From what I've heard they're literally supposed to be enemies, but they haven't shut up since I fucking started this shift and they are having an in depth conversation about chess strategies what are these nerds doing in maximum security prison

Day 10: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY SAYING I COME TO MY SHIFT AT FIVE AM RIGHT YEAH AND DAZAI IS AWAKE YEAH AND HE JUST GOES PSST PSST TO THE OTHER GUY AND STARTS SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN SO I PULL UP GOOGLE tRANSLATE BUT THEYRE JUST SAYING NONSENSE WORDS AND BLUSHING AND LAUGHING AT EACH OTHER LIKE LITTLE GIRLS

The fucking problem with this is that running it through a code maker does give me an answer of what they're saying however the problem is they seem to be hosting a game show about dating advice for suicidal people i hate my job i hate my job i hate my

Day 12: I told security, and they've given a warning to those two to knock it off and speak in plain text because they still suspect that there's some separate level of code underneath it. However, their response was that they were 'just having a little harmless fun, your honor', and unless they could break it, there was no way to prove there was another layer of code underneath it. You know, people get bored in prison, not their fault-

Security was not impressed.

Day 16: Dazai stated to Fyodor that this is the longest time he's ever gone without trying to kill himself. Fyodor told him that was pathetic. Only interaction they had all day. I don't know what to think.

Day 20: They seem to have settled a bit, into this odd routine. Even though everything between them is very much visible, it seems like I'm being trolled by the longest running joke in existence. I don't get it, and for god's sake, could they please get to the punchline? Every day they say weirder shit, and at completely random times. They won't talk for half the day then all of a sudden Dazai might lay down on his bed like he'd at a psychiatrist and go "I don't know doc, I'm not sure murder is my biggest issue here" and then Dostoyevsky will immediately get the joke and start miming writing things down and asking absurdly unrelated questions like "and do you think things might have gone better if you hadn't left your wife?" and within two minutes they have crafted a more elaborate storyline than any soap opera. If they weren't serving a life sentence I would say they should be on TV

Day 25: Me and the other security guards have started placing bets on the Dazai/Dostoyevsky shenanigans, and I have to say I've actually managed to make quite a deal of money off those lads! They're all a mite homophobic so they didn't like my suggestion that the two of them might have had a romantic history. Of course, I was right, and it disturbs me greatly, Fyodor felt the need to state that Dazai cries during sex to refute an argument. Unless this is all some elaborate scam as well.

Day 31: Dear fucking diary they're making computer noises now

Day 31 entry 2: I FUCKING MEAN IT THEY ARE NOT MAKING NOISES HUMANS SHOULD BY ANY MEANS MAKE THEY ARE B E E P I N G

Day 31 entry 3: THEY WONT STOP WHAT THE FUCK THEY JUST KEEP LAUGHING AT EACH OTHER WHAT THE HELL THIS HAS BEEN TEN MINUTES OF STRAIGHT LAUGHTER

Day 32: I have been informed that they were not in fact laughing for ten minutes straight. And that they. They managed to fuck up the camera signal with. With the beeping noises. They made it loop im losing my mind what were they doing what could they possibly need to do outside of computer supervision when they can talk in fucking BEEPING

Day 37: They still havent been able to recover the footage, but at this point I'm just gonna make the executive decision that I don't need to know. I just. I don't need to know.

Day 50: I am absolutely baffled at the fact that they still haven't gotten tired of this shit. I talked to the guy up top who's supposed to make sure they know everything those two are saying to each other, but he said there's not much point because they have decoded the morse code and all they do is talk weird philosophy and play chess and sext each other. I hate to say at this point I expect nothing more from them.

I really should be worried they're sharing nuclear launch codes or something but their reputations don't even fit. Are you telling me the guy who does nothing but brush his hair and hum for four hours of the day can kill people with a touch? He faints every other time he stands up. Im losing my mind in here

Day 59: So they apparently Talked to those two on my off shift about how they should be more aware of the security presence and stop trying to mess around with being secretive and stuff since we already figured out what they're saying. I mean, to begin with, that's a straight up lie, I know no one has a flipping fuck of a clue what they're saying, but they just gave the whole "be aware that you're being watched at all times so calm the fuck down" deal. I don't know, I don't think that's gonna work.

Day 62: Update!! Unsurprisingly!! That made it worse!! I tried to tell my boss that telling them to be more aware of the security presence would just encourage them but he doesn't really pay attention to me. Anyway now they're acting like everything they do is set to a laugh track and they keep turning to the camera like they're in a fucking reality TV show while they graphically discuss their kinks

Day 65: hh elp

[audio file:]

Dazai: damn girl whatcha got under that fine outfit ;))))))))

Dostoyevsky: this is a prison uniform and it is a white shirt and white pants

Dostoyevsky: you are also wearing the same outfit

Dazai: omg twinning

Dazai: *pats the spot next to him on the bed and winks*

Dostoyevsky: pawn to f4

Dazai: *moans*

Day 68: I asked my boss why we can't just separate them and put them in solitary confinement like any god fearing mortal but she said they're supposed to be supervised together because since they have no link to the outside world everything they talk about is just free information. I think I might get fired if I suggest they definitely are contacting the outside. I don't know how but. They are. I think I kind of understand the way they talk now. And if they were saying ANYTHING when they talked about gambling for five hours like yesterday it was the giant battle that went down in the sky casino????? Even what they said about it matched the descriptions of the battle??? And it was in real time??? For fuck's sake????? I am simply going to keep my mouth shut from now on. I still have yet to form a hypothesis as to what the fuck a sigma is

Day 68 entry two: looked sigma up?? Is this an omegaverse thing??? I wouldn't be surprised

Day 69: i want these two exhibitionists OUT of my HOUSE they have been roleplaying a scene in which they go to a costume ball and stab each other in such great detail thats not even knife play thats straight up just stabbing and theyre so SHAMELESS i am TIRED of it like half the day they were just managing to somehow waltz without touching each other how do they not fall over and like "how are you today my dear" "very well except i wish you would not call me dear" "I twist to the side to glance towards the glittering chandelier, exposing my lace wrapped neck" "I take that opportunity to reach into the folds of my dress and slide an ornate dagger from where it has been carefully stored and rest the blade against the lace before you can stop me" "stop you have to roll initiative first" "ahhh you got me [}{|8*><///#1!&@000" "fuck lemme roll" "^^^(*&22!##$+" "so it appears i am caught, dear sir. I look up and grant you a fiendish smile. Why is it you hesitate when I am under your spell?" "Well I have this rare disease called ligma" "DAZAI I SWEAR TO GOD"

Day 70: I'm not sure if this is supposed to mean anything, but earlier today, Fyodor was just reading a book when he suddenly shot up in his seat like he'd been stabbed. He quickly recovered, but he just like,,, stuck his hand in his pocket for the next hour and kept staring at his book, but his eyes didn't move across the lines. Weirdest thing was though, when he stuck his hand in his pocket, it didn't seem to make the pocket move, rather on the contrary, the angle it was stuck in made it look as if it would have phased right through his ass. Dazai noticed too, and just said "oh, have you got a clown in your pocket?" what on earth does that mean is that supposed to be some sort of innuendo

Dostoyevsky responded rather shakily, with something like "he's being a bother, and it's all your fault" IS HE TALKING ABOUT A BONER OR SOMETHING I SWEAR TO GOD

Day 76: They seem to be getting tired of publicly embarassing themselves. Thank god for that. I believe their attempt was to get me to look away from the camera in utter embarassment however I was expressly forbidden from doing that.

Day 98: I started yelling at them to shut up at 2 AM because I simply cannot take it anymore. Dazai said they would stop talking in the middle of the night if I connected their cells for just 10 minutes. This is a horrifying idea however I am honestly tempted to do it god how would security know how would they know ive had it up to here

Day 100: Fuck, they know they've got me now. They're. They're working on me. And they're good at it too they won't mention it when there's anyone else around or anybody with me they only do it when im god awful tired and there's practically nothing to stop me except my deteriorating conscience. They sound like idiots going "aw please mister guard sir i promise we won't have crazy gay sex or murder each other we just want to be together you're homophobic aren't you you're homophobic and you want to keep us star crossed lovers seperate don't you that's why :'(((((" It's downright embarassing. I'm not going to let them at each other I swear, I'm not that bad at my job, however,

Day 105: They're getting to me. They've really latched onto this idea, and I don't think it's out of spite anymore, or any kind of humor. To be honest, I don't think it's to conspire to get out or anything either, they can clearly communicate perfectly fine, and if they had any way of getting out, I'm sure they would have done it by now. I mean, it's my job, to watch people like this, day and night, to watch them slowly lose their minds in a box of glass. I don't like it at all, but what else can you do but be a security guard with an ability that makes you hyperaware of every detail on a person and in a room. I'm no detective, I'm not cut out for that. So I sit here and fucking watch these convicts rot and laugh at anything to do to try and make living bearable.

Day 108: Hhhhhhhhhhhhh. They held a staring contest today. For. Ten hours. Fucking. Ten hours. I know they have nothing to do but my LORD the stamina of these bitches. It started out as a laugh, but they just... kept going. And Dostoyevsky won every single time, even though he always has those gigantic bags under his eyes. Dazai would always blink, and he would always say Fyodor cheated, and he would always demand a rematch, and Dostoyevsky just kept humoring him. They actually got a lot better, as to how long they could do it, but not without Dazai starting to cry. Legitimately cry. Weep. Sob, even. Dostoyevsky smiled when he cried, and said it was sweet. Dazai gave up then, and refused to open his eyes for the rest of the day.

Day 110: I didn't realize I'd managed to fall asleep until I was jolted awake by Dazai banging his head on the glass over and over, without a single word. There was no way it would break, and there was a monitor installed to tell me if he seriously hurt himself. I went back to sleep. God, this is the worst.

Day 111: Great start to the day with Dazai officially having a concussion and announcing "well at least this is a new record, 120 days". Fyodor clapped. They didn't say anything the rest of the day, though they talked all night, pressed up against the glass. Didn't sleep at all. I hate them so much they're so good at this I'm not gonna get fired because I feel bad for actual terrorists

Day 114: Fucking fuckety fuck fuck shit. So I let them out. So sue me, so they kept going uwu mistew guawd pwease wet us out and so I just went "what about five minutes instead" and their eyes lit up and then went "EIGHT" so. We compromised with seven, and no getting under your stupid sheets. I pressed the goddamn button and their vaccum sealed stupid compartments moved together. I watched them the whole time to make sure they didn't pull any shit, but they really didn't, they just laid there and held each other aggressively. I get they'd be touch starved at this point but like, starved doesn't even begin to describe it. All they did was hug, but their nails drew blood. They just sat there and tried to find any way they possibly could to hurt each other with their hands. It's eating at me thinking about it, they don't even hate each other, they just kept whispering thank you over and over again. Didn't make a fuss when I told them time was up either, just peeled themselves off of each other and quietly went back to their beds as the wall came down again. They're covered in bruises and scratches and hickeys and blood. My supervisor came in not two minutes later and asked how everything was going and they'd hid under their covers. I'm never letting this happen again. Holy shit.

Day 140: They're back on their bullshit again, and I hate that I like that better than the sulking. Like nothing happened at all. They're laughing and throwing food at the wall and making dumb jokes. It's like every day in here makes them younger instead of older. It's not even irritating anymore, just absolutely obnoxious. People have to keep coming in and cleaning shit up and it's gotten so bad they're thinking of actually moving them.

Day 150: Security told them if they don't shape up that they're going to be put in solitary confinement. Both of them acted like it wouldn't matter, like, oh haha, that's great, I can't stand this guy, absolute worst thing in my life, I'm so tired of looking at him get him out of my sight haha. But they shut up real quickly. They're right well behaved now. Just sit on their beds with their legs crossed like grade schoolers and won't even talk in code anymore. That scares me more than anything else.

Day 170: I wish they would talk in code again. I don't want to know what they're saying. I know way too much about these guys. I know way too much about their sick fucking fantasies and I've gotten to care way too much to stop listening. These guys need therapists. Not couples therapists, lmao, if there's one thing that's working right with them, it's their relationship. Funny how I thought Dazai was harrassing him to begin with. It's how he shows affection, I think. They're just very very fucked up people, as can be evidenced from Everything.

Day 182: Dazai was laying in bed in the middle of day and woke up from a nap in an absolute frenzy, smiling. "Hey, hey Fedya, what if we were hamsters......" he said, and Fyodor just looked at him like he was crazy, which I'm sure would be a correct assumption. "What if we're hamsters in a pet shop..... running in our silly little wheels...... eating our silly little pet food...... in our silly little clear hamster cages...... right next to each other....... and there's just not enough enrichment in our enclosure.......... you don't undersTAND what if we're HAMSTERS FEDYA"

Boy says this like it's a love confession. Eyes are watering like an anime girl. Dostoyevsky tells him to die a painful death. Dazai says aw thanks. Can't take this anymore.

Day 190: They smile a lot now. More than they really should. And yeah, they're talking in plain text, but god, I'm getting mental illnesses that aren't even on the books yet from this. And to be honest, I'm legitimately worried, but no one will even listen, since all they do is say weird out of pocket shit and everyone's been desensitized to it at this point. They've gotten bold enough to straight up start insinuating Things Are Going To Be Ending Real Soon and I realllly don't like the sound of it, but they seem happier than ever. Bright eyed and bushy tailed, and chatting about their own deaths, the end of the world, the details of decaying corpses and genocide and how they can't wait to see which one of them will kill the other. I should honestly ignore it, to be honest, it's not even close to the weirdest thing they'd ever said, but it was probably their strategy. They don't even need to talk in code.

One of these days, these guys are gonna blow up a country, and they're going to be the reason they criminalize gay marriage again.

Day 204: I

They're gone!

All day, they're just telepathic and weird, just the same as always, talking nonchelantly and going "pass me the salt" "lol sure" *throws it and it breaks against the glass* and then BOOM they stand up and stretch like "ah looks like the time is upon us. it's been fun." AND A FUCKING PORTAL OPENS UP UNDER THEIR GODDAMN FEET????? I CANNOT STRESS THIS MORE THEY JUST. DISAPPEAR! OUT FROM UNDER THEIR ASSES! YEETED! I COULD HEAR DAZAI'S SCREAM FADE INTO NOTHING AND THEN IT CLOSED AND! THE CELLS WERE JUST! EMPTY!!

AND IM NOT EVEN FUCKING SURPRISED I HOPE THEY'RE LIVING THEIR AWFUL LIVES OUT THERE

I'm going to get fired, aren't I. They're gonna do an investigation, next thing you know it I'm the one in that cell.

Just looked around and boom there's a hand coming out of nowhere and slapping a thank you note down.

"xoxo sorry lol"

Sure. Yknow. Alright. Whatever. Just another fucking day at work

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#rereblogging one of the funniest posts on this site #this did not get enough attention

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