damester13

[damester13]

Entry #23 - (Money) 11/15/19

I have no idea why this topic came to my mind just now, but since I haven't written an entry for quite some time now, might as well entertain this spontaneous one for a while.

I am a thrifty person. I know that it may not have been a very particularly noticeable trait of mine but I believe that I am. I value money, especially my own. As such, I make sure that my money goes to somewhere that has some benefit to me, directly or indirectly. I think I also display this trait when I play certain games (though I am not sure since I stopped playing those kinds of resource management games). Anyway, the point in hand is that I take care of my money.

I started saving money when I was in 3rd grade, I think. My allowance was just enough to buy a snack and drink so my main source of money is when I run errands for my aunt and when I receive money from my parents. The former aint much since mostly its from the change from the weekly newspaper subscription; the latter is much juicier ranging from 100 to 500 Pesos and occasionally a 1K surprise. I keep them in my Justice League piggy bank, but the bigger bills are kept by my aunt. Just so she won't spend my money, I keep tabs of the inflow and outflow of my financial resource. Sadly, most of my savings end up going to me "treating" everyone pizza (as if I can decline at that time. I was just a kid). Anyway, by the time I was in high school, I started saving up on my own without my aunt's supervision and my source of savings is now my allowance. Thing is, I got sort of addicted to DotA at that time so I spend like at most 100 pesos every time I play with friends in a net cafe. Addiction to anything is bad, kids.

College was a lot different considering that I have to allot a portion of my allowance to my trasportation expenses. Going out to drink also became a thing of mine which while mine was not as often others, I tend to shell out a lot in one drinking session. I've treated a lot of people to meals and drinks throughout my lifetime. The closer friend I am with a person, the likelier that I'll treat that person to something. 

Yeah, I am a thrifty person. Despite everything I said above, I still stand by it. And I think the key factor to this unwavering self-praise statement I have is the way I view both my own money and where I spend them regardless of how irrational that "purchase" was.

I started spending my own money for my own bigger things during college. I used my savings on buying my own phone, my laptop (paid roughly 50% of its price. 30K was still too much for me), countless pairs of earphones, and even most of my academic and org-related requirements, I paid for it, myself (My tuition excluded...I was under the free tution law by the second half of my uni years, anyway). My main rationale behind this behavior is that since I do not earn my own money, I should treat the money I was given as allowance as my pseudo-income and practice applying sound decision-making when I spend money. That's how I view it. So basically, I buy my own shit after doing Cost-Benefit Analysis on these costly expenses as a simulation for when I finally earn my own kachings. It's the most adult thing I've done but still I wasn't as efficient as I could have been. I remember fucking up when I was handling some money stuff back when I was applying for UP Music Circle. I got scolded for it. "Don't spend money that you don't yet have" is the lesson that I learned.

As for how I see my "purchases", I think I am very lenient in qualifying things that are beneficial. Nothing comes for free in this world, at least that's what I believe. So in every single thing that we get or receive, we essentially pay a cost for it. Enjoyment and entertainment are no exception. So whenever I spend money playing in a net cafe for hours, it was usually either to celebrate something good about my day or to relieve some stress off of me. Of course, I don't justify my DotA addiction with this line of thinking. It wasn't that severe of a case in the first place. 

Friendship, as well, costs fortune. I don't know if it's just me, but I often feel like I have to buy people's time to be with them. Whether it's by offering my own time in the future, or by spending real money like treating them, there's always a cost that I have to pay one way or another. Call me a "bad friend" or whatever, I just really think that it's a really big deal to ask people of their precious time and attention that I have to express my gratitude to them somehow. That's why if ever I treated you to something before, know that this is what was going on in my mind. I'm just weird like that. That's why I don't think I actually "trust people". I just trust that I get what I pay for, hence I trust my transactions with people. The more successful transanctions I have with people, the more I trust my partnership and deal with them. Essentially, that person become trustworthy to me. Of course, there are times when I gamble, like when I treat people for no immediate exchange just to see if there there's something ahead for me with that person. Even if just for a small value of friendship, I'll take it if I can feel that we'll probably be better "friends" in the future through it.

Naturally, affection is also something that comes with a price. When my soon to be girlfriend then later on ex came to visit, I had to spend roughly 10K just to spend time with her everyday for a week (I won't go into details as to why it's that much). Not only that, time was also a resource that was very much needed from me. I don't regret a single moment of it despite all the expenses. I actually even wish I did more for her. But things didn't work out in the end.

Now here's the thing. I guess, my self-proclaimed thrifty character is essentially just a result of my "sophisticated" perspective on the transactions in my life. But in reality, I think I just really value money in keeping me "in motion" in this world. I spend horridly a lot in things that I essentially don't have to spend actual money like friends and affection. I didn't have to spend hours in a net cafe just to feel better. I didn't have to drink alcohol (seriously). But I am also a man who rarely regrets things, so none of those matter now.

None of those matter now.

I am now sitting with literally no savings apart from a few change and a hundred Peso bill given to me by my mother. Since I stopped attending school since the beginning of the year, I didn't receive any allowance at all. Nevertheless, I went out for like 5~ times during my LoA period and exhausted my money during those times. I also got sick a while back here in Cavite and have to shell out most of my remaining cash for my recovery foods and drinks and also scratched off the money my mom borrowed from me before as partial payment for the hospital bills and meds. Now I barely have any cash.

If money makes us move forward in our life journey, my lack of thereof restricts me from doing so.

I can't move anymore.

But, not that I would want to anyway. 

If I were to win the lottery today, I would probably just give it away to my friends, family, some charity, and people I look up to. They would have better use of it more than I would. They can further push forth towards their dreams or even start off a bigger dream if they want. Since I don't have any of those, I really don't know what to do with any bit of money that I may have. In the first place, I don't think anything benefits me at all when I have nothing that I want. It's weird to be mostly devoid of any wants in life. It feels strangely comforting but scary at the same time.

[damester13]

Entry #22 - (Encounter) 10/27/19

I literally started writing this a few minutes after waking up. I feel like my dream just now was something I can write about. Also,  I want to further look into meaning of it as well. So i'll describe my dream as clearly as I can remember.

If I am not mistaken, I still live Cavite in that dream. After being quite stressed out by the lifestyle I have here, I decided to go out today and go visit my alma mater, my high school. I think I intentionally set to meet with my high school friends but I might be wrong (I can't remember). The point is that they were there with me. We were strolling around until we arrived at one of the classrooms (a big one) and found my Pol Sci orgmates from college in there. For once, I was surprised by the weird encounters in my dream, so I decided to approach them. They talked to me for a bit showing some concern for me, but I couldn't say anything. I was just mumbling words at that point. 

Instead, I asked them what's going on in this school right now. Apparently, there will be a National Math test and this is one of the review centers, they even have textbooks and stuffs. Well, I didn't want to be part of that crap cuz I didn't sign up for it, so I asked them what I can do to go out. But since they're focused on the passing the test, I had to do things on my own. So I decided to leave them and my high school classmates.

For some reason I was wearing my old high school uniform that day. Although the uniform I wore is already outdated, I still feared that the guard won't let me out because I'm wearing a school uniform. He'll probably think that I'm a student trying to skip the review course. At that time, that was my biggest dilemma. I even left my bag in the room just to not look like I'm skipping class.

But as I left the classroom and became alone, I suddenly felt weak and sickly. At one point on my way to the school gate, I fell on the floor and tried to somehow get up. I tried to keep it cool when there are people around, but my body really couldn't keep up. The weak feeling went away after a few while but I was still having runny nose and cough. 

As I was nearing the school gate, I had an idea to just stay in the school clinic and rest there under the excuse that I am still sick. I am aware that I am sick, but I don't think I look sick to others, so I find it very unlikely for the nurse to let me stay there. I dropped the idea and just try to sneak out of the school gate. On my way there, I saw someone who I thought I'd never see again.

My ex just went passed by me as I walk towards the gate. I didn't look back but I already know that it is her although she was quite tanned. At that time, I thought there was no point to say hi to each other. She also has other tanned friends with her so it would be weird to approach her in front of them. Just in case, I decided to stick around nearby and see what happens. 

In the end, she suddenly came running towards me to say hi, herself. She was really damn tanned and it bothered me a bit. But more importantly, I didn't quite understand the face she was making. It look like she was about to cry and say sorry, but no such words nor tears came out in the end. Maybe she really just missed me like anyone would after not seeing an acquaintance for a long time. In the end, I just asked her what she was doing here, but I can't vividly remember her reason was. Whatever it was, it looked like she was having fun with her friends.

I said Hi to her 4 other friends and tried to show off my Japanese speaking skills. My ex is Japanese, btw. I asked them where they're were headed to and found out that they're about to leave as well. Through their help, I was able to sneak past the gate by hiding behind the tall guy among them and blending in with the rest by speaking Japanese. I left my bag in the classroom but at that time, I was sort of focused on trying to find a chance to talk alone with my ex. Also, I wanted to see if I can help them in any way I can since that has always been my priority job when I was still a member of Tomo-kai. I ended up tagging along with them on their way to the hotel they're staying at. Aaaaand that's where my dream ends.

Even if I have given up in my life for the most part, there are a few things that I still would like to do before I lose the chance to. Places I want to go, people I want to meet, I could make a lengthy bucket list that if I were able to do, I would probably be in a more peaceful state. It will not likely change my outcome, but it will definitely make me feel more fulfilled. 

Lastly, I personally think how I acted in my dream reflects how the Me right now would act in real life. The way I talked to specific people, the way I feel about them, and basically my interaction with them, all of them are more or less accurate. I fear meeting people but I also want to meet some of them. It's a contradictory feeling but given my current resolve or lack of thereof, I could say that I am fine not meeting anyone after all. In fact, I'd prefer if it stays that way. I feel like I already meet a lot of people in my dreams. I could settle with just that.

[damester13]

Entry #21 - (Night) 10/21/19

Ever since I've been here in Cavite, my dreams at night have been quite similar with one another. There were countless nights that I dreamed of what seems to be the past and the future combined. 

The most frequent characters in my dreams are definitely my high school classmates. For some reason, I rarely have dreams that feature my college friends despite the fact that my memories with them are the freshest. I see this as a result of my ugly overall image of my college life, so even in my dreams I wouldn't want to be reminded of it through meeting people I only interacted with during my college days.

As for the setting, it definitely gives me a vibe that those dream are of a future event considering that I seem to be aware of the life I have after high school. But at the same time, I know that this dream is also me revisiting the past simply because I meet my classmates who have already passed away. In fact, I talk to them a lot in my dreams. Death is a very touchy subject to me but I still would want to talk to those two departed. I find myself hoping to get to talk to them again when I'm about to sleep. I don't even know what on earth we usually talk about but just the feeling that we can talk to each other again puts me at ease. I miss them.

Actually, another type of dream I have which occurs less frequently than the one I mentioned, is one that I also think a lot about during the day. This seem to have the same past and future mix again but now it's about the Japanese class I took in my last sem in UP. Honestly, it was the funnest class I've had in my 4 years in college. To be fair, it wasn't academically stressful considering my prior background in Japanese, but I really did enjoy taking up a class together with others who wants to learn. It's one of the few moments in college that I want to revisit if I had the chance. If I can, I would probably try even harder to make the most out of that class by practicing conversations more, improving on my writing, and hanging out more with my classmates and the Japanese partners we have. That class was probably what kept me afloat that semester. Sadly, the me now doesn't have the passion to further study Japanese anymore.

If anything, these dreams are just pure side effects of my mental state. Even if I decided to not regret anything I've done up to this point, I am well aware that my life is full of regrettable choices. My dreams act as waypoint for me to look at these flashbacks and try to imagine what could've been if I've done things differently. Nevertheless, I am here because of the paths I chose and there's no changing that.

[damester13]

Entry #20 - (IDK) 10/12/19

I am writing this out of scratch unlike most entries here wherein I prepare a topic and draft it first before posting. This one's gonna be out of my impulse to write.

So I just watched a video related to mental health since it was some international awareness for mental health day or something some days ago, I think. Well, honestly I didn't expect to find anything that can help me. I do watch and read stories of people who have gone through some mental health challenges in life and their comebacks are always very amazing to know about. Anyway, in the video the teens were asked for their advices to people who are going through things in their lives right now. While all of their answers universally apply to everyone and to their respective circumstances, I think one of the most striking one for me was that teen who said:

"I don't know, man. I'm... I'm still trying to figure that one out myself..."

Well, he gave an actual advice after that but that one up there reminded me of myself and my hypocrisy. I wish I have been saying that line to other people more when they needed my help, not just in depression but even in just other simple things. I always wanted to give concrete advices to people because I care about them, and because it's also what I would want should I be the one asking for advice. But for most instances, I cannot really say for sure if what I advise for my friends to do is something that I would do myself. I mostly just consider what I think is the best for them and less on how they would feel and how likely they'll be able to go with it.

I don't want to end up just saying "it's up to you." but with what I've been advising to people, I just think I've been insensitive and proud of myself when the truth is, I really don't know a lot of things, myself.

I just wish I should have said that more.

Haha. Well, this didn't become an entry about mental health in the end. I guess even here I really just don't want to talk about it. But I will try someday in order to help other people who would find my life to be useful in making their own lives somewhat better. 

Btw, what the teen's advice was: "Have a healthy outlet for you to let it all out of you. Don't keep it in there."

[damester13]

Entry #19 - (Aftermath) 10/02/19

It's been quite some time since I wrote an entry here. As usual, my excuse would be that I don't feel like writing. Back then with my old diaries, that has always been the case due to stress from school work and stuff. But now, it's really just more of the feeling. I realized that keeping a journal isn't an easy task for me, not that I'm compelled to write or anything. It's just never a fun thing to reflect upon the bland and the bad things I've done in almost every entries I write. Regardless, I'll continue. It'll probably be even less frequent than before, but I'll continue writing until I can't write anymore.

Enough with that. I feel bad leaving this journal untouched with the last entry being...quite the story. I won't dwell on it that much but with what I wrote there, it shows the crucial bits of my mental state. Whether it's just a phase or not, It matter not. That's why I'll write updates on how things were since then instead. I still have some things I want to write about so I'll try to ensure the day when I would want to write those come. Anyway, this is a long intro already so I'll get to it now.

I was sick for quite some time and after some shady check-up, they told me it was a mild dengue since my platelet count went down (but I was tagged negative when I was sampled with blood) Anyway, if anything I decided to go to the hospital after noticing widespread rashes on both my arms and legs. That ain't something that I am able to treat at home after all. My skin was mostly darkened from all the red blots of the rashes while the itch was very needle-y like but somehow tolerable. My feet looked like monster's feet. Apparently, they were allergic reactions presumably from the quail eggs I was fed by my mother. I'm okay from all those now though. But somehow right now I'm feeling random mild pains around my body. I'll try to do some movements tomorrow cuz maybe it's just because I barely do any. It's been my lifestyle since the start of the year, so yeah. Shit life.

Not to my surprise, I was much more suicidal during those times given the things that have happened. I couldn't say that I tried to kill myself through my disease but since I was (and still am) armed that time, well, I had some thoughts in mind. Dying from a disease is something I discovered that I wouldn't choose to do, but I'll be willing to accept if it's inevitable.

So instead, I desired for the knife to do me the favor, but I didn't try simply because it was likely gonna fail. I know that I can't fail even once in this cuz when I do fail, it may be even harder to find an opportunity to try again. We don't want having no opportunities in life, after all. As of the moment, I've definitely have calmed down from my tendencies and decided to just get my body going well for now. I'll leave this crap to my future self again.

Certainly, these past events have produced a lot of surprise and anxiety to the people around me. I could say that my relationship with the people in this household has now gone worse. I barely talk to anyone now just like back in Cainta. But yes, I'm used to having no one to talk to. In fact, it feels like it's a curse on me to always end up in this kind of lifestyle. So even if things became distasteful now, I still can't find the motivation to try to change things. It just doesn't matter that much to me anymore.

As for where things will go from here, haha it's the usual "I don't know" blah blah. I really can't see anything ahead of me. I spend most of my time locked up in my room with lights closed. But from today I decided to open my curtain just so I can see a bit of outside. Even when it's dark, looking at trees for their green-ness calms me. Since I was young, I always find myself staring at anything green for minutes and I'll just be lost in my thoughts. I'll probably keep this habit going more often from here to sort of compensate for the lack of people to make small talks with. I don't blame them, okay? I think it might even do me better since I don't see them treating someone with this mental state well. So it's all good.

[damester13]

Entry #18 - (Crime) 09/18/19

It is extremely amazing how predictable my world is now that it is smaller than the last one. I know all the characters, how they would act, and how I would act in response to theirs. I can't really I say that I take action with my emotions head on, but I'm pretty sure this entry would seem to tell otherwise.

Midnight, I finished eating "dinner" (I ate Fita because who on the right mind would feed the sick Sisig?) I headed towards my room and felt my temperature go down due to the cold compress. A little later, my mom has arrived and somehow have already decided that I will be sent to the hospital for check-up. My uncle (who banged my door loudly before) will provide for our ride. But you see, I don't want that. it is unfortunate that I got a really high fever (Flu?), but I dont people to spend hospital bills on me.

Anyway, they insisted to continue their "plan" without my consent and yes, that was expected of them. But what really triggered me was that they weren't listening to anything I say. Suddenly my uncle has arrived and the moment he saw me, he went close and tried to give me a hug. I of course, retaliated and pointed a swiss army knife at him and later on to the rest of the people in the room. There was no way they would let me go if I am not the dominant person in the room, so I had to arm myself. My uncle was crying and very persistent, my sister kept lying and letting herself lose her temper, and my mom kept treating me like a baby saying "Dame, bad yan". Clearly these people have made a lot of mistakes that night when handling a "troubled" person, esp one with a knife. If anything, I remain cool and straightforward to what I truly desire and let them give up theirs. It took a little over 30 min for them to leave my room and they started talking about me, bringing yet another person, and even phonecalling my other sister (which my eldest sister lied to me about). It was a messy night but I had a peaceful sleep, tightly griping the knife I had.

Honestly, I didn't feel any hesitations on taking this route. I feel capable of doing such crime. I still have my knife in my room when I need it again. I've become too desensitized I guess. You may judge me no matter how severe the things I did and will do are, but as I kept saying over and over again, I won't make decisions I would regret.

[damester13]

Entry #17 - (Sick) 09/17/19

Alright. I have previously said that I will write about the 3 important things in order to be saved, but today requires a much needed topic to be addressed. I accidentally deleted an entry about this so I have to write a new one and perhaps give my insights about it.

So I've been sick since Friday night. Unfortunately, I only got to check my temperature yesterday, which has been going up and down. The highest one I've seen is probably 39.6 C but I am pretty sure it went higher in the past few days since I was convulsing and even hallucinating. Sleeping was the worst. Our meals are usually twice only since my sister sleeps throughout the morning. Also, I think what made it harder for me to try getting well, is that our meals are very very delayed. 3pm Lunch, 11pm Dinner. I was very much starving but I can't cook due to my poor condition. I can't blame them much because that's is what we are accustomed to.

Right now, my mom has arrived home and every now and then she checks up on me. I can feel that she don't want to send me to the hospital and I also hope for that. That's why even if my temp has been 39~C consistently, even if my body esp my legs are extremely weak, I would like to still try my best to get better.

But if I were to be honest, I know that my symptoms and my body temp are both in the danger zone, but I have no fear. Like I said, I fear life more than death. If one day, I face my death due to this sickness, I'll accept my fate. In fact, I think that makes it easier for me. Although, who would've thought this would happen to a suicidal guy like me? You know, the world can sometimes be kind too.

I will try to write as many entries as I can and prepare some letters to people here in the household in case I suddenly die.

[damester13]

Entry #16 - (Death) 09/16/19

Human life is characterized by its fragility. We live in a world where death can be delivered to us from almost anywhere. May it be from a road accident, from food poisoning, or even literally just from a stray dog's bite, the world is just far too dangerous in that sense.

Despite this fact, however, we aren't restricted to enjoy our life to the fullest. We find enjoyment, we seek new places, try our new food. Anyone who can consistently be in that adventurous state for the longest time is probably the happiest person in life.

But for today, I will be talking about Death, specifically my death. This will be the first in-depth entry I'll have about this, but at this point I think it's quite obvious from my previous entries that I am quite troubled as a person. Unfortunate for me, I have stopped enjoying life for quite some time now and all that's left to me is me and my thoughts. In case you might be wondering, I actually didn't go to any counselling in order to get a proper diagnosis for my "sickness". Again, I really have NO motivation nor intention to achieve a better state of mind. Honestly, I don't know why is that. If anything, I fear life more than death now. Life is scary as it is and not just for all the physical dangers it stores. Expectations, Failures, and even just the sheer length of life are few of the many things that scares me. That's why I have essentially prepared myself for anything. 

If this isn't something you can wrap your mind on, I guess I just can't explain it well. But I think the fact that you can't see life the same way as I do right now means that you are blessed with a healthy mind. Ever since I was a kid, I didn't quite see myself as someone who would become someone this miserable. That's why even if you won't understand my situation right now, I want you to at the very least put this at the back of your mind. No one knows when things will go downhill for anyone, so I would like to use this journal entries in order to somehow help those who are facing or who might face similar hardships in life.

I don't know when I will die. Right now, I just live life day after day, paying no heed for what's to come tomorrow. I intend to do this until the days comes when I just don't want anymore tomorrows. 

Am I beyond salvation? 

I think there are 3 important necessities for one to be saved. And as you may have guessed, I don't have those. In the next entry, I will introduce these 3 points and try to build my reasonings for each of them.

[damester13]

Entry #15 - (Leave) 09/13/19

In my entries about my college journey, Maybe I glossed them with too much of the good stuff in it. While all those good things actually happened to me, we all know by now that I have already lost all of those. No matter how much of good things they were, it's nothing but just memories now. So now I will detail my last few months in Cainta.

Last year's Christmas was probably the saddest of all 21 Christmases I've had. Ever since I stopped functioning during our Finals week, I've been skipping meals more intensely and Christmas Eve was no different. I also turned off all communications with other people for a while. My coping mechanism switch was lit green. I just didn't want to have to deal with anyone at that point. I was filled with shame and disappointment, that I feel like interacting with people will just force me to be "okay" temporarily. From there, I just wanted to give up, primarily my journey as a college student. But at this point, it's extremely petty of me to give up this early, right? Right. I needed an excuse to run in my head and in other people's, too. So why not apply for a LoA status for 1 sem and figure out where things will go from here? And I did just that, but not exactly.

To tell you the truth, there was some bits of geniune hope that my LoA period will bring some positive results. I intended to stay in Cavite for the full extent of my Leave for the change in environment, and plan to shift to Education course when I get back. Of course, my aunt didn't accept that at first, so I just had to make a compromise with her. I said that I'll spend my Leave considering my option to stay in Pol Sci as well. I never did it though, but I had to say it just so I will be allowed to push through. Again, Pol Sci is such a wonderful course. Unfortunately, it's not what's for me. From here on and out, somehow things didn't go as planned for me.

As I've said earlier, there was a glimmer of hope in this decision, but things went differently when it started to become busy at home. There was an ongoing construction for our new garage and my aunts were constantly going out to do whatever they were doing. Since the rest of the people apart from me and Lola were not at home during the day, I was very much needed to be at home all the time to "watch over" my lola and the construction workers in case they might need something. My plan to leave for Cavite was put on hold until the time came when I wasn't just up for it anymore. You see, even after the construction was over, we kept having visitors over and over again. I was a complete shut-in, so leaving my room with tons of visitors outside was a tightrope I'm not willing to walk on. It was just very hard for me to find a good chance to ask for permission and leave the house.

It kept going on and on like that until one day, I just woke up with not even a single pint of hope and positivity to be found in me. Along with that, any vision of a good future for me was also gone. I consider myself a positive thinker. Even with a bad coping mechanism when things fuck up, as long as I can see a chance for things to get better, I will find myself being okay one way or another. But now, everything is just dark. I cannot see anything at all. I kept telling myself, "Something was there before." But now, I can't even remember what it was anymore.

During these times, I kept going on and off with interacting with people. I am very much conflicted with how I view my friends at that point. I think they were just big distractions to me. All their happy, sad, or even random stories are just for me to temporarily forget my own reality. I committed to talk to these people when they need someone to talk to but it wasn't easy for me to listen to them without thinking of how unfair life is for me. Regardless, I remained as a "true" friend to them until the very end. I'm sorry.

The tables have turned completely and I just can't recognize my situation anymore. This wasn't how things are meant to go. Or perhaps, it was? At this point, it doesn't matter. Things have been going downhill for a long time now that it just feels like any bad thing that happens to me is just a part of an endless streak of unfortunate events. Somewhere along the line, I just decided to finally give up for real. 

I began my plan to officially drop out of college. I did say "plan" but given the lack of vision that I have, I really didn't have much apart from planning to permanently stay in Cavite. As for my primary "excuse", I just don't think I can pursue something that I have no motivation for. Me staying in UP will just be an utter waste of time and financial resources if this goes on. 

I asked several friends of mine for their opinions and advice regarding this decision because I recognize my state of mind isn't as optimal as it should be at that time. Their opinions varied quite a bit, but the bottom line of most of them was that "It's up to me." Personally, I dislike this a lot purely because I think I'm very much aware of that fact. I ask for people's take on my problem because I want to know what THEY want for me, what THEY think the better choice is for me. I ask those because those are the things that I do not know yet. Anyway, I still valued their words as I work my mind around things. Thank you.

Finally, with all these said and done, I still had to ask for my aunts' GO signal if I intend to push through this path. If our talk about my LoA ended up in a compromise, this time I cannot compromise anything anymore. I was going to keep convicing them until they're finally okay with it. But my emotions were the ones that gave up first. My aunts kept pushing for me to enroll the next semester even if I was already a week late in the enrollment period. Their persistence was just as I expected but hearing it directly iritated me so much that I just lashed out on them.

"You just don't understand me at all! At this point, I feel like I might end up killing myself someday!" I shouted.

That was the first time I ever mentioned that to anyone directly.

I suddenly found it hard to breathe.

My hands were shaking.

I wasn't able to talk.

I shed no tears but my heart was crying.

I realized that I was no longer capable of having a conversation with them so I stormed out of the room.

My legs were numb.

The numbness went all over my body.

I couldn't bend my knees at all.

I had to penguin-walk towards my room.

I fell on my bed without bending a single joint.

I felt weak.

This went on for at least 10 minutes until I finally calmed down.

That was my last conversation with them. 2 days later, I finally left the household and now I'm here in Cavite.

In the end, I committed a lot of mistakes yet again. I wasn't able to convince my aunts regarding my decision. I wasn't able to meet a couple of friends before I left for Cavite. I wasn't able to officially drop out and now I'm in an indefinite period of unofficial leave.

If this is a story of my greatest comeback of all time, oh how great that would be. But I don't want to stupidly believe in such unlikely thing. I'm sorry.

Extra stories:

For reference: I incurred an Academic Delinquency tag and was put on a Probationary status for not passing more than 50 percent of my total units in one sem. In that sem, I only passed 2 of my Japanese classes (obviously because of my prior background), and my Econ class because of a curve I think. Also, 1 of the Japanese classes isn't technically creditted to me since I already had 5 out of 6 cognate courses done in my curriculum.

For the record, I don't care about my grades as long as they're not failing. Maybe even if I fail a couple, I wouldn't mind. But what I do mind is the implication of the strings of failures especially when concentrated in one semester. It definitely tells something about me and my current path. I felt like I had to step back and I did, permanently.

While I was in UP processing my LoA application, I met a girl who was also settling her Academic Delinquency status. She was hospitalized during finals week resulting to her failing all her classes back then. I honestly felt much more disappointed in myself since she was still determined to keep pushing through even after such an inevitable setback. I hope she's getting closer to her finish line by now.

During my Leave, I intended to study and take the N4 level in JLPT which is the official examination to determine one's Japanese proficiency level. I did study "unorganizedly" for a few months, but eventually lost interest and gave up. I lost sight of whatever purpose there was for pursuing it. I just saw it as a way to distract myself.

[damester13]

“The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now.”

— Haruki Murakami

[damester13]

Entry #14 - (Family) 09/05/19

Family is important. I know that much. But I am not a family person at all. I can't entirely say that it's because of the fact that I lived with my aunts and not with my actual parents, but this is definitely one factor. Of course, I don't blame how I ended up to the people who raised me and grew up with me, but again this is defnitely a factor to consider. As a whole, family played a huge part in my growth as person. That's why despite not being family person, I recognize the crucial role of my family to my life.

I was not a good member of the household. Back in Cainta where I lived for pretty much my whole life, I've done a lot of wrong things and got away with it. The earliest was when I was in Kinder or Prep (I can't remember). Out of my childish anger, I punched my younger female cousin strong enough to send her lips bleeding. It was noticed by her teacher the following day and I was given a quick simple scolding. I don't think I was ever violent again to other people after that. But the attitude was still there.

I considered myself very highly within our household. Perhaps this is because I was the oldest male member (next to my Grandfather but he's very old and he passed away when I was in Grade 4), or perhaps it was because I was sort of the cream of the crop being the 1st honor student for many years straight. These had led me to develop a bossy attitude towards the younger members, and a rebellious one towards the elder ones. 

Every time the elder members leave, I would take the responsibility for the house even at such a young age. In moments like those, my bossy self springs into action. I would order around others and scold them as much I wanted. Somehow, I just feel like different person. 

As for my rebellious behavior, I think it's pretty typical to any average kid's. I remember back during one Chrismas Eve, I was annoyed by something and decided to just stay in the sofa the whole day and not eat a single meal until I was dragged to my room later that day. 

Honestly, all these memories I have of my bad attitude are pretty much because I was just a kid. I did a lot more distasteful stuff than I mentioned here, but all of those have something in similar, and it is that I wasn't really punished heavily for it. Even some of them were just ignored. My mistakes were because I was young, but I think that's even more reason to make sure I learn to be better. It got worse as I got older because I guess scolding a 14 year old is not as easy as scolding a 6 year old.

Going back to what I said the earlier, Perhaps I got away unpunished a lot because my aunts thinks I am different for being male and/or an achiever, but all those instances piled up and finally made me realize the gravity of my ugly attitude on my own as I grow older. 

I became someone who doesnt talk at all in the household except when necessary. I've shut myself from others out of guilt and shame. It honestly felt very painful being a completely different person at home compared to when at school. 

I started to dislike going home. 

I started not joining meals together with the rest.

I started prefering to stay in my room most of the time.

I started essentially just being like a "lodger" of the household.

It was ugly. It was distasteful. But it was my reality. 

I did say before that I don't like going out a lot. But it's not because I like how I am at home more. I just think I deserve to be burdened by my reality as my punishment. Having no one to talk to, having to eat meals alone for years... I decided to suffer, but I have grown accustomed to this lifestyle already. It now feels unchangeable. 

If God will give me a new life after I die, I'll definitely do my best to do better than this.

[damester13]

Entry #13 - (Witch) 09/03/19

I feel so much anger towards a person right now. This person left me a curse as I was about to leave for Cavite back in July. At first, I thought that I will be able to get rid of it once I've settled in here, but with every single day that passes, I just can't take it off me. 

Back then, this witch have caused me a lot of pain every time a word comes out of her mouth. But at first, it was sweet, warm and I craved for more everytime. It even made me unable to control myself at times. By the end of it all, it was nothing but a poison that I grew to like until the time came when I can't get some anymore. And what's more, I think the reason the witch did all those stuff to me was for her own temporary joy and satisfaction.

The poison has cursed me inside and I am left to carry this bad omen until I die or perhaps even after death. As futile as it may be, I start to hate the playful witch. If I ever get to meet with her again, all my bottled up anger will come crashing down on her. She may feel sorry for everything she's done or even try to make up for it, but I won't accept it. 

But to be honest, I'd rather not see the witch again.

[damester13]

Entry #12 - (Outside) 09/03/19

I can pretty much say that I am an introvert by nature. Limiting myself of social interaction has been a habit of mine not just recently but even during grade school and high school. Summer vacations, Christmas breaks, long weekends. I just don't like going out unless I am extremely bored at home or I need to go out for something important. During my 6 month of LoA period, I literally just went out of the house 4 times (5 if getting a haircut counts). But my LoA time was bit different. I didn't feel like I should be having fun when I clearly have big problems in life. Regardless of whatever my reasoning is by now, that is still how I am as of writing.

August 31. For the first time since I arrived here in Cavite, I went out to do something. And yes, this was the one thing that I've been wanting to do as I've mentioned in one of the entries here. And well, it wasn't anything important or crucial. I just wanted to watch a movie. 

天気の子 (Tenki no Ko) is the latest work of 新海誠 (Shinkai Makoto) who is known for his big hit movie 君の名は (Kimi no na wa). While I don't think I am that big of a fan, Shinkai's work is phemonenally exceptional when it comes to making the viewers "feel" something. With that excuse in mind, I decided to try going out to watch this movie, and so I did. I almost backed out, but I did.

The movie was great. It wasn't all that plot-heavy, nor was it too supernatural. It certainly fits in the array of quality films under the author's name. And personally, it gave me a good feeling as I was watching the movie, which on its own makes it enough for me to consider the film to be very good.

With all that said, I don't think it had enough positive effects in me that can help me rewire my brain. It's not that I was expecting anything like that out of this choice. In fact, I can go as much as saying I watched the film just for the sake of saying that I tried to do something different for once. Regardless, the reality is that I harbor no changes from before. 

As usual, I have no future plans. Whether I'll go out again someday or not, whether I will meet people other than those in this household or not, I cannot guarantee any of those to happen at some point.

A little update on my current state. Right now, I am not feeling well physically. My head and body have been aching since last night, I've been having recurring diarrhea sessions for quite some time now, and just now I felt my temperature spike up a bit. I am not sure if this is due to my habit of eating only 1-2 meals a day, but I personally don't want to cause additional expenses, so I'll try to work on it slightly. I can't do much in giving myself a better appetite, so I plan to do some light exercises every now and then. Perhaps the energy consumption from doing so can indirectly increase my food consumption. If I can't take care of my mental health as it deteriorates the entirety of me, might as well just focus on preserving my physical health for as long as I can instead.

[damester13]

Entry #11 - (Early Life pt. 5) 08/29/19

3rd Year of College. I personally think these were the times when I managed to have things to look forward to in life. I may have have been in a rocky situation with dealing with my academic journey and my future, I also may have ended up in a worse state after all of these, but I am truly grateful to have gone through these last 2 years, for better or for worse. I can't just be 100% happy all the time, I guess.

So... out of some personal frustrations at that time, I decided to apply for another org, UP Tomo-Kai. To basically define the org, it's geared towards Japanese culture, language, and its people. As for an actual reason for joining, I really just joined to meet new people, new friends. Of course, I do have interests in whatever Japanese, but it never crossed my mind to join an organization just for that. With all that said, this choice was extremely pivotal for me to experience many things in my college journey. 

Firstly, the application was surprisingly enjoyable for me. Thankfully some of my co-applicants stepped up to lead, so I really felt at ease as we breeze through the process. I was ablw to perform much better than I expected. Added to that, my fellow co-apps were simply a bunch of awesome people in many ways. They were weirdos and I ended up becoming one as well. We worked hard and drank hard together. I even celebrated my birthday with some of them in a bar and slept over at someone's house. It was all fun. If I could relive all the moments of our time together, I would. I definitely would. Stay awesome, Kuwago.

The org itself was amazing too. Even if we weren't at our best shape due to internal issues, it never failed to make itself a home, to me at least. I value every work, event, and even simple talks we had together. As I've said earlier, the org was pivotal to my growth as a person because of every experience and encounter the org has lead me into. Words can't express how thankful I am for everything, but I will still say a simple "Thank you" to everyone of TK. May the org continue to make people like me feel the enjoyment of being part of the family.

The impact of me joining this org doesn't stop there. As I was applying for the org, I decided to hit the books and self-study Japanese which definitely was something I didn't expect to do. It wasn't required of us or anything, but it helped me in my goal of meeting new people and it was also fun as a hobby. Monthly, we visit a group of Japanese adults in Makati who teach us various things about Japan. They were my first enounter with the Japanese people. Every semester, there are Japanese exchange students who study in UP for some period of time. There are also Nihongo Partners who help teach the language in UP's Linguistics Dept. And finally, every 2nd sem, groups of Japanese students from certain uni's stay in UP for 2-4 weeks to brush up their English and/or learn about PH. In one of those group of students, I met one of the biggest encounters of my life. 

Despite being nowhere near proficient with my Japanese speaking ability, I suddenly got close with one of the female student halfway through their 1 month stay in UP. I guess we just kinda got along easily. After some ups and downs and crazy stuff happened, she ended up becoming my girlfriend for quite some time.  That's how my last year in college started.

4th year of College. She went here for a one week stay and flew back to Japan as my girlfriend. The journey towards that relationship was no easy ride, and so was our LDR. Regardless, it gave me hope and ambition. Our relationship didn't just distract me from the ugly state of my life. Instead, I tried to use it in order to motivate myself into something that can help me be better. I dreamed big dreams. I tried finding a direction that leads towards her. But as soon as I found it, I realized the long and excruciating road I have to pave in order to reach her. All those time I was conflicted whether I can still go for it or not given my state as a person. Of course the retarded guy that I am had to be extremely positive of all things, but my actions or my lack of thereof weren't reflective of that. Before I knew it, it was her who initiated to let things go between us. I was at the peak of my struggles with my life at that time and surely the breakup did make things worse. But deep inside me, I felt relief and freedom from the promises and ambitions that I was in no way capable of keeping. After the breakup, I actually tried to cling onto the hope that she gave me, but it didn't last long within me. I failed to take care of our relationship maybe because I was young. But I also failed to make myself a person deserving enough to be committed to despite the physical distance and language barrier. I can't blame her for not seeing anything ahead of our relationship. 

After that, I only went to UP again once more for a exam in my Japanese class which was a day after the breakup, but not anymore for the rest of my exams. I also emailed my professors that I won't be able to meet the remaining requirements in their respective classes. I was nothing but a dissappointment. The next time I went to UP was to file for a LoA status.

Earlier that sem, I also dropped a very important major subject after breaking down at 3am of the deadline day. I was unable to come up with anything for my research in a research class of all things. To be honest, this struggle is expected to happen when you don't have a strong intent and motivation to pursue your course. The further I go through our curriculum, the harder it gets until I reach the point where I just can't overcome it anymore. Surely, anyone like my coursemates and professors could've helped me have it easier, but the lack of a driving force within me had no intention of pulling back its punches. If anything, the "helping" has to start in me.

I decided to be on a LoA status the following semester. I hid under the facade objective of getting a much-needed rest and trying to figure out where I should go from there. And well, see where I am right now. I ran away from every single thing I've had and found solitary confinement to be my sole source of comfort in the mess that I am in. Humans are intelligent because we're capable of learning. But we are also stupid for the exact opposite reason on certain instances of our lives. 

I just never learn.

With all that said and done, this marks the end of my College journey. I did not really finish the journey, but at this point I think it's over for me.

PS: I entitled this entry series "Early Life", but that's pretty much my whole life as it is right now. Any future entries from here will likely be about my present and some bits of my past.

Also, I think I can write about the LoA period in another entry. It's the freshest memory I have after all. It would be a waste if I won't talk about the struggle I had during that alone time I've had.

[damester13]

Entry #10 - (Checkpoint) 08/22/19

On this day roughly a month ago, I started my 1st day here in Cavite after deciding to drop everything that I have before (ideally). Mainly, I am referring to my academic progress as a student, but along with that I dropped all connections I have with the people I was around with. Now, I am living in our house here in Dasmariñas, Cavite together with my mom, eldest sister, 3 cousins, 1 aunt, and my niece. With a new way of living, I decided to write a "journal" of some sort for various reasons, one of which is for me  to detail happenings that occurs throughout my stay here. And so, I think it is highly important to look back every now and then to reflect upon things and somehow have an analysis on the current state I am in right now. So here I go.

Frankly speaking, I don't think I have changed at all. Even though any form of change is too much to ask for in just one month time, I still think my nonexistent desire to be better plays a huge part in my current stagnation. The change in my environment and the massive increase in the number of people I interact with in person (from literally none to at least 4), these aren't really resulting to anything positive in me (except for of course, short term relief). As you can trace from my previous entries, my outlook is just overall on the negative side. This definitely reflects what swirls around my head regularly and while I know that this is bad, I don't have the intent try to work on changing it.

As for my vision of my future, it is still a clear blank as it has been for a long time. I just live every single day with no consideration for where I want myself to be projected to. That's why even if I have many things I wish to write in an entry here, I will just leave it to the future me to decide if he wants to write it on his day. In fact, I just rely everything in the future to the future me. Tomorrow is tomorrow me's responsibility, mine is today. It relieves me somewhat.

But. With all that said, there is currently one positive thing that I want to do. From the moment I've learned about it, I grew an interest of going for it even if it may happen after I've already left for Cavite. This time, I'll let myself be stupidly positive and see if by doing this, I can have a change of heart or something. I honestly don't even know if I can pull it of in the first place due to my tendency to just give up before things start. Anyway, regardless if it works or not, or if it happens or not, I (future me) will write about it in a entry in the near future. 

I guess that's all for this entry. Let's not keep our hopes up and see reality for what it is and not for what it will be. Live in the present.

[damester13]

And I'm truly sorry, for I need to cut some ties. Because I can no longer hold everything, all at once.

Some goodbyes were needed. //ma.c.a

[damester13]

Entry #9 - (Early Life pt. 4) 08/19/19

1st Year of College. I already had met a lot of my coursemates, both upperclassmen and fellow batchmates. They honestly were different from the type of people that I was around in a Christian School. To top that off, they are likely the bests of their respectives schools, too. One of the first few people I got to talk with about our course was a guy had me amazed at his passion for what Political Science is intended for. I know comparing oneself to other people isn't what I should be doing, but let's admit it: it's an unevitable thought at times. Of course, I also met batchmates who seem to have a laid-back attitude like me, too. But our real test began right at our very first major class.

I was one of the few block-less kids in our batch and I happened to have gotten the prof for the class with a very horrifying passing rate. I was one of the people who unfortunately didn't make the cut. I failed every written exams there was in that introductory class. I remember crying about my midterm test result even if I attended a comedy show to make myself somehow happy (the skits and punchlines were very funny, believe me). But you know, I was really hopeful that I'll pass, but I started skipping classes even more after that. I was such a bad student. I have no excuse. Clearly, this wasn't how I expected my college life to go. So I took some measures in order to make college still enjoyable for me as I try to make a comeback in my academics.

The first step was to join an organization. The one I applied for was focused on PolSci with the excuse that it can help me get back on track just so my Aunt would approve of the idea of joining an org. Honestly, I was never a well-performing member there except maybe when I was starting off as the "Finance" Committee Head during my 2nd Year, but it went downhill very quickly. In the first place, I disliked having a position with only a year of membership and college life experience under my belt but considering our small number, it was sort of bound to happen to some of us. I took the job but resigned after just a few months. I felt very useless and unfit for the role and to the org as a whole. Oh but given my pathetic coping mechanism when faced with a problem, I surely made it bigger than it should be. Instead of simply announcing my resignation, I just stopped showing up to the org. I didn't have much attachment to the them at that point, let alone a few members. Honestly, I didn't know what I was doing back then, until one of the member who is also a good friend of mine smacked my back a lot out of her frustration about my action or the lack of thereof. During that moment, I felt that my choices in life really does affect other people even if it was a personal one. So I finally approached the org and got things done.

Make no mistake. Even if I treated the org quite badly, I value the memories I have with them. The people I talked a lot with, ate meals with, did org works together with, I really enjoyed their company. As a blockless kid, having people to be with wasn't an easy task but the org saved me from that solo flight. Our "tambayan" no matter how many times it gets relocated, was and will forever be my first home in college. So I want to say thank you for everything. TPAP!

2nd Year of College. I was somehow recovering from my ugly start. However, the fact that I lack the drive to pursue college was still very apparent. I actually considered applying for a LoA status around this time. I thought that I needed to pull something out of me to jumpstart myself towards literally just anything in this college journey aside from just getting over it. I was very daunted by college in general. UP is even THE top university and they have a premium on honor and excellence, both of which I failed to emulate. Heck, I even dropped a class after just one meeting. I was weak. I still am. But I had to keep trying because getting a college diploma is a necessity.

Overall, college is very different from high school. To exaggerate, everyone is in it for themselves and themselves alone. They all have something that they want to pursue for their own good. A dream, career, excellence, whatever it is, it all boils down to their utmost self-value. Back then, I may have found passion in helping people get closer to things they want to achieve, but college isn't quite the best place for that. On the other hand, High school was very forgiving in that sense. Even if you literally have 0 fucks to give about your own future, you will definitely still end up marching out of it with a diploma (as long as you're not performing so badly). If a case where someone like that in college exists, props to that guy. I just don't want that to be how I will be again.

I was hopeful until the last few moments but in the end, I didn't march at all. But this college story is only halfway done. 

Extra stories:

I also applied for another org during my 2nd year where I ended up doing the same "taking the head role" thing again. I deferred 'cuz of that and other personal reasons. I just find it hard to say "No" to shit like that.

I started as the good kid who never drinks alcohol to the kid who drinks almost every week (just for a while).  Hanging out with people becomes a lot more fun when served with a couple shots. I enjoyed college life in that sense. I have 2 friends who really was there with me during those happy days in Drews. I deeply wish that both of them are doing well. Stay safe.

I had a spicy argument with one of my closest friends. I undoubtedly overstepped my bounds as a friend back there since it was a thing between 2 of my good friends, but I think that's just who I am. I easily get driven to take action when someone I care about is in a tight situation. I like and hate that part about me. But of course, if I was the one in a tight spot, I will just let it swallow me whole. I'm so stupid.

I had a diary during my 2nd year. It's filled with me being hopeful that "things will get better next sem for me". Over and over again. But I guess I just can't get "better" started.