daily-thoughts96

[daily-thoughts96]

Here we go again. I encourage to try having sex by asking, and what do I get? Basically spit in the face. Now I’m turned off and uncomfortable about saying anything about it. Doesn’t matter what I say. Doesn’t matter what I do. It just causes me to be depressed. I don’t see the point In asking anymore. I see no point in mentioning it anymore. I’m tired of putting forth the effort, and I just get stomped in the dirt. The depression might as well be forever. Maybe I’m just a fool. Maybe I’m the idiot for even trying. I’ll just shut my damn mouth, and make myself quiet again. I won’t ask again. I won’t touch again…

[daily-thoughts96]

Should I take the time to go down to my husbands work and see how they feel hearing the chaos in me? I feel like I should. Deep down I’m sick of grown folk acting like entitled bratty children. He is my family, and it’s important that we have a day together just us. But they don’t agree. They think spending time with his wife is the least important thing in the world. That over working him is more important than being with his wife. Screw you if you have that type of mindset. Sick and tired of people thinking because they have a higher position that they can have a power trip along with it. You’re not special for being a higher up. You’re not entitled to what the actual laws are. The “you need a doctors note” to be sick is disgusting. 95% of customers would prefer if people went home instead of infecting more people.

[daily-thoughts96]

Now my husband is upset and refuses to go to my sisters. If this meeting confirms what is being confirmed, he won’t show up for nothing. He won’t be there for her son, and quite frankly she might lose more than just him. I don’t get why I need to let her know for the safety of her son why my husband is there. He’s crying because he doesn’t see the point in being in his life if she doesn’t trust him to be with him. This could cause her a lot of trouble as it jabs at something that wouldn’t happen, which is my husband hurting her son. He will do ANYTHING to protect that boy with his whole being but he is not sure how he’s going to handle this pain. Meeting this next week will be recorded and she will probably reap the consequences of her own actions.

[daily-thoughts96]

When your sister tells you one of the rules she wants put into place. That rule being not having anyone over without her permission. I could totally understand random people that you or your son might not know, but the arrival of my husband I’m supposed to let you know so you can confirm it’s okay? Like what the literal fuck? To me it sounds like she doesn’t trust my husband. This job I’m doing it mainly for my nephew. Not her, but for him. I get protecting your son and your belongings, but to tell me that I need to let you know my husband is coming over to drop something off? If he does, I guess he won’t come inside and say hello to YOUR son. And you just are starting to set up stupid rules to try being in FULL control over something so stupid as someone like my husband being there. I don’t know how that’s going to go but I know she’s going to have some backlash about it all, and act like an entitled brat about it. My gut is telling me these rules will smack her right in the face and won’t work like she wanted.

[daily-thoughts96]

Well, life has been hell recently. Honestly i don’t know what to do about it. My husbands job is demanding more than is necessary. My time with him is gone. My sister doesn’t fully understand how hard it is being an adult in this world. The freaking out over little things. A meeting Monday about rules and boundaries that she’s going to break more than anyone who watches her son. This meeting is already causing me some stress. I think if she has to set rules on the people who watch her child, she should also be abiding by them. Im going to keep track of the amount of times she breaks her own rules. I’ll also be recording in secret said rules and see what the other two people have for thoughts on it. She might be losing baby sitters because she wont take it seriously. What happens when she breaks the rules, and we are just supposed to sit back and let that happen? You are the parent setting the rules yes. But you should also be following your own rules. If you don’t then youre just a hypocrite. She will be called out, and my husband will also learn these rules and will also proceed to help make sure she does exactly as said. If we mess up, we wont watch her son because we didn’t “abide by HER rules”. She is going to be facing a reality check here, and doesn’t realize how much she might screw herself in the long run. I don’t think my brother in law is fully on board because he can’t do anything when hes not here to help. For context, hes in the military so hes not here currently. No names have been mentioned in the following post. I hope for the best of all of this and that the so called “rules” don’t over step boundaries with the rest of us watching them.

[daily-thoughts96]

Holding on is no longer an option. If people want to live with me or my husband in their lives, what’s the point in trying to keep up? I have a life to live, and I’m not playing these childish games anymore. I’m going to figure stuff out, and just live happily without y’all.

[daily-thoughts96]

I will probably always be the problem everyone thinks and knows I am. I’m not sure what to do anymore. People don’t understand me, and I don’t even understand myself. I’m trying so hard to be myself, but I’ll just go back to being quiet, and not speak a word. I’m never going to be enough for anyone. I don’t even think I’ll be a great parent either. I’m at the point in settling with being just an auntie to my nieces and nephews. Maybe it’s for the best that I don’t become a parent and just be the fun aunt. Life will work itself out, and kids aren’t apart of it at all. Good fucking luck to me.

[daily-thoughts96]

The distance. The ignoring. The afraid to say no. I spoke my feels to him, and Odin so help me guide him to do what’s right. The intimacy is disappearing, and I tried to bring it back. How will I start a family with him, if he doesn’t get intimate with me more than once every couple of months? Am I the asshole for calling him out? Am I a narcissist because I don’t know boundaries? I’m afraid to touch him. I’m afraid to speak to him. I’m afraid to do anything intimate and just get let down every single time. I asked to think about schedule changes, but I seen that won’t be happening at all. I’m not his number one priority, and yet he’s mine. He’s supposed to be my best friend, and I can’t even talk with him. He spends most of his time with his friends. He barely wants to see our nephew. He barely interacts with him. Which quite frankly tells me he really just feels pressured into wanting kids. He’s not ready. But I am. I guess being an auntie is better than nothing. I’ll take being an aunt than being no mother at all. He’s about to ruin his own relationship.

[daily-thoughts96]

I’m not a confrontational person, and if I’m at someone else’s house, there won’t be any because I don’t need to be the one in trouble for their started behavior. My sister is so god damn lucky we weren’t at MY house. You come in with that attitude, you have a high chance of getting knocked the fuck out. Being at work, babysitting at someone else’s house, I walked away. I knew fighting her where I am isn’t smart, and would possibly get me in more trouble than her stupid attitude. I made a good choice walking away and not fighting her, even if it is words. Being around the babies stressed out doesn’t help them or anyone else in the moment. I’m pissed because she told me she would see about her child being watched, but not me watching him after being politely asked to help move a family member in their apartment.

[daily-thoughts96]

My little sister needs to calm down and realize that no one is out to get her. No one is trying to torment her or make her feel bad about anything at all. We are noticing she’s running herself into the ground, so we are trying to get her to realize that she is going to crash and burn soon if she doesn’t slow down. Stressing yourself to the point where you are causing more harm than is needed, and yet we all are the bad guys in her mind. We say one thing and she goes haywire on us and starts saying things that just do not make sense. She’s on a power trip and needs to learn that she IS STRESSING HER OWN SELF OUT. She is a new parent and I get you want to do everything by yourself or make decisions on things. But when people suggest that maybe this is too early for the child, or this might be a better way, she loses it completely for no real reason at all. We made suggestions. No one is saying don’t do some things, just maybe wait a bit before you do it. Or slow down and enjoy the baby stage before you miss it completely from rushing everything. Focus on what’s important. She’s on the verge of losing everyone because she just doesn’t want to hear anything that isn’t her thoughts and decisions. It’s coming down to it’s going to cause her severe consequences and cause more problems than needed to currently. Ugh..

[daily-thoughts96]

To the people of the internet who believe everything they read: did you know that the Epstein list is actually a diversion to keep you focused on something other than the governments shitty tactics to take your rights away? They are distracting you with this “list” because they don’t want you to know the real things that are happening. Wake up and smell the roses, you clearly don’t know how fucked over we are getting treated like this. They want you to turn against each other. Open your eyes and actually pay better attention to what’s actually happening. The Epstein list is the reason the government is keeping us from fighting back on the real issues. I said what I said. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[daily-thoughts96]

Again with the whispering. Again with the dead silence. Talk like normal human beings. Talk like you’re in a public restaurant. Stop being secretive. It’s suspicious and sketchy. If you have an issue with us, say it. We are trying to be civil, and yet you are secretive while we are in the other room within earshot. We are concerned that you are hiding how you really are doing. It weirds me out when you sit silently staring and whispering god knows exactly what. What issues are you trying to cause? I’m a concerned roommate of what is happening to you. You completely did a 180 and acted like we were the problem. Your behavior is uneasy and sketchy in so many ways. Why are you so sketchy out? You will get your money back. Stop being a pansy ass coward whispering in the other room like I don’t notice. As someone who dealt with abuse, I catch on to behavior, body language, and the way you speak. Those three things say a lot about what you are trying to hide or do. Stop with the childish act, and grow up. Face us before you become known as the biggest coward around. I’m watching carefully. I’m making a known list to watch you for. I’m worried you’re going down a dark path. Most people would say you would have to be addicted to something but truth be told, a dark path can also include behavior and actions. The way you speak can lead to a dark path. I know something is off, because the tension can be cut with a plastic knife. 🙃

[daily-thoughts96]

Been trying to figure out where the next step after living where we are goes. Searching apartments, manufactured homes, and homes in general. But my husband banned out getting a camper to save more money over the summer. I'm not bringing up the conversation of staying in a camper anymore as it upsets him that i would even bother to suggest it. Don't know why he's so stubborn about the whole thing in itself. I figured with camping we could spend way less and actually save money instead of staying in a dead end apartment that wont help us save, even if i worked. The world is basically on fire, and i want to be able to enjoy life, and i thought camping might be a nice way to enjoy ourselves for once, and not have to worry that we wont have the $1,000 rent at the end of the month. I personally think he doesnt want to do it is because he doesnt want to lose internet and not play his video games. I get the internet thing. I get it, but i just wanted to enjoy something for once. I miss camping. He compared it to when we camped with my horrid mother. Like it was the worst decision to make. But i was going to find something that could last through the summer, and make it so we could make memories together, but clearly my opinion on the matter wont truly matter. He's so convinced that if we go camping again, it wont be fun. But how does he know if we dont try? Which got me thinking. Why plan camping trips during the summer or when we travel if all he will do is compare it to the experience we had before? Guess having me gather things for camping has been a waste. Guess i should just not even bother anymore. I can't say how i feel without him arguing with me how much of a bad idea it was. I'll leave lists for those things, but i'm not bringing up camping again. Cause what is the point? Guess i'll find ways to camp by myself. He doesn't want to do it, but i do and i'll find a way to do it. Even if it is without him. Rant over.

[daily-thoughts96]

Why does my anxiety always have to kick in at the worst times? My stomach is churning now and I don’t know what to even do about it. Found out my cat peed on the bathroom rug, and now I’m scared she might be the reason we have to leave. I clean her litter box every other day or every two days because it’s only her but my roommate is so damn stingy, I just don’t know what to do about it. But depression, stress and anxiety make me put things off and it’s difficult. I’m trying to get through it but I don’t know how I am. I don’t know what to do at this point. I’m scared we might be homeless soon, with no car, barely any money, no where to put our stuff and no real place to go. It’s not warm as it is December and very cold. If it were summer, I would be fine but it’s cold. I just want this terrible year to end. I want to get as much saved up, and leave this new hell hole. I’m tired of crying, stressing, being OVERLY anxious, depressed, and expected to follow everyone’s life plan. I hope I can get more off my chest soon. Because it feels like a ton of bricks sitting on my chest. It’s heavy. It’s the weight of people expecting me to be exactly like them. Have the exact plan for life as them. Can it already be over? I’m literally drained and done trying to be nice. 😭

[daily-thoughts96]

Also, side note, everyone is struggling, but if you act like you aren't because you think because you are working full time, everything is fine, you're wrong. Re-evaluate your life, and way you treat people about how shitty their situation is. My roommate will get paid back, but he won't be the one determining how much he will get every check. My husband and i will be making a full set plan for it. And them we can move on with our life, and find a better place for ourselves. We definitely deserve better than to be told we are nothing but using people for everything they got. Deuces.

[daily-thoughts96]

This whole roommate situation is starting to cause me to be overwhelmed and drained to the point where i don't know what to do with it anymore. My roommate seems to lack understanding of how i'm feeling in this situation. He doesn't care except for my husbands point of view on everything. Involving me just makes him pissed off and angry for no absolute reason. He talks about my husband making changes in his life, but he changed too? My husband changed for a better future, not changing who he is as a person. But my roommate changed as a person. He's not who he says he is and his behavior is beyond my imagination. You'd think therapy would be an outlet to let him know how to properly heal and approach situations. I haven't involved any friends or family in our situation until we were told he was talking to other people. He's told more than three people about the situation and yet, we've only told two friends and my sister about what is happening right now. We didn't involve anyone. We discussed how difficult life has been, but never extended into the whole situation. We kept it on the down low and thought it would be better to keep it between the people who are on the lease of the apartment. Times are tough, but our roommate made it worst. I detect his lies when he speaks about certain things. A liar to me can be spotted a mile away. When you grow up with narcissistic parents, you catch on to lies after cutting them out of your life for good. Now, i wish the situation was better, and not so gruesome, but he made it clear what his intentions are. We are starting to plan ahead with apartments, manufactured homes, or campers to decide what our next place to go is. This whole situation isn't new to us, and we are struggling with the high prices just as much as anyone else is. It's difficult and unruly. We are expected to get our life together, but the economy is screwing with that. Jobs screwing us over, or more so bosses at those jobs. We are expected to live bland, and small. No love to our home. No decor, not comfort. Nothing. We are living within our means, and sometimes we splerg on ourselves because we need a little pick me up. My husband and i aren't perfect by all means. We make mistakes. We don't have it figured out. Some people don't figure it out until they are fifty, or not even at all. My husband and i are in survival mode, and nothing compares to anything else. Would we like to be in a better place? Yes. But sometimes life is just so fucked. This roommate situation is just repeating factors. Except this time i'm being told we are using our roommate, which is wrong on all parts. Some people see using as, you refuse to pay for things. You refuse to help. But my husband and i aren't like that. We want to make sure we do our part, but right now it's not easy. My view of using a person is draining them of every penny they got. I don't ask my roommate for money to pay for our groceries. I don't ask him for money to pay for our hygeine products. I don't ask him to drive me everywhere i need to go. I don't ask him to feed my cat. I don't ask him to pay my other bills(not including rent with those bills). I know how it feels to be drained of every penny. My biological birth giver drained my husband and i of money. She never paid me to watch my siblings while she was at work. She never paid me back the money i helped with paying HER car payments and insurance. She never paid me back for buying my siblings food that she was supposed to buy. She never paid me back for the electronics i had to buy for her. She never paid me back for the wifi i was paying for. I know how it feels to actually be used. It's narcissistic tendencies. I would have had $5,000 saved in a savings account and building interest, but my adopted older sister screwed me out of that. Used me to pawn her own gain. If being paid back is more important than making sure we are actually doing okay, then you have issues. I've loaned money to my sister. And she always paid me back. She's loaned me money, and i always paid her back. I just want better..

[daily-thoughts96]

Why am I having to stress over little fights between my roommate and husband? I’m anxious and fighting back tears because I feel like I’m walking on eggshells again. My healing journey is slow but it’s almost at a stopping point AGAIN. I’ve asked my husband just to keep things between them because it’s causing me anxiety and almost on the verge of panic attacks. My roommate panics about the toilet seat being spotless but can’t keep the sink clean. He also expects me to take care of ALL the household chores because he had a TOUGH day at work. I’m starting to think I’m going to get things planned out for when we leave so we can be okay. I suggested camping for the summer if we had to. But I’m just freaking out a little bit and wondering why I’m stuck in the middle of all this bullcrap. They’re constantly whispering and stopping conversation whenever my husband or I enter the room. My door is ajar and I can hear them whispering constantly. God knows about what exactly. I’m quiet and not saying anything out loud or whispering because of the peace. But my chatter is about things that involve my cat or how their behavior change has my husband and I worried. My chatter is trying to figure out how we can help him. He changed in an instant after only dating this girl one week. We are worried he might be going down the wrong path with this relationship and it may have ruined his friendship with my husband. I’m worried he is being requested to change and some of it being red flag problems. I’m still allowed to vent but I try not to for the peace. I’m sick of the double standards and hypocrisy of him towards my husband. Sometimes true colors come out when it’s far too late. 🫠