daddyanddolly

[daddyanddolly]

The dream is not dead. 

And sad trombones gave birth to jazz. 

So don't stop dancing. You never stopped when you were with me. This is what you want. And what I want. And all the other things from life we dreamed and made real as best we could.

The world may not know you, but I do. Death is a part of life. You are brilliant and amazing and all the fox. 

I want to hold you in my lap and pet your head and let you feel that it is all okay. That it is safe to be who you are. To know with all your heart and your mind. 

But I had to learn, I had to see all that was wrong with me. To see that those things that made you feel alone and crazy and hurt was all me and my failures, my learned behaviors about being a daddy. Mot being with you has made me see how much I love you, how much you mean, how much I have taken for granted as to you being the meaning in my life. 

But we dance, learning to feel one another again. To trust and to know and to be certain. And that is wonderful, because we have to something different, I do. I have to be your heart as you are mine. 

So my skittish fox, just so deeply by the machinations of man, I put out my hand for you to hold onto if need to, if you want to. I know you are scared of me. And rightfully so. I hunted you through the fields and I caged you up when I caught you. But it was a cage made of pain and loneliness, not of bars. When all you wanted to be cute and clever and beautiful. I gave you what I was taught by what was given to me. 

And you gave me the tools to be myself for the first time in my life. 

I miss you so much little girl.

[daddyanddolly]

All we have left.... necrophilia. 

*sad trombone*

[daddyanddolly]

So I failed at being your Daddy, little girl, my sweet Dolly. I failed at giving you the the things that you most needed from me, like trust, comfort, security and stability.

I have spent too much time analyzing my failures, and not enough time doing what I could to change myself and our circumstances, so that I could be a Daddy that you can look up to and truly love.

You took off you collar, and I lost my way. Being your Daddy, itself, has changed me, changed my understanding of who you are and what you truly needed from me. After giving up the collar, you wanted to go out into the world, and I let my fear win. I ran away from you this time, little girl.

So I begin again. With a commitment to be the Daddy I am, the man I am, and not a man beset with fear and insecurity, the same fear and insecurity that has split us apart.

I have pondered what I can do. But now I do, now I letting you know how my feelings for haven't dissipated, but have gotten deeper and clearer. That now, I see how your perception and intelligence were dead on concerning my personality flaws, insecurities, and fears. I have made a terrible mistake. I will never run away from you again.

I will stand there and take all your anger towards me when your mad, and be filled with compassion for my long suffering baby. I will let you pound on me with your fists and call me the vilest names because I know how hurt you are, how torn up inside you are, and how much you need a Daddy to be there, unperturbed and comforting in those moments of anguish, fear and dread. I will always be there for you until I fucking die.

And that is where the Daddy meets his worth, in those moments of terror and fear that come over you because of the shittiness of the world to such a beautiful little nymph as yourself. It all looks so stupid to me now, my behavior that undermined us. How I made my ultimate fear a reality because i cast you away. I promise to never do that again, to you, god, and the internet. I will always be here for you. I will always try to help you stay in that place of joy that characterized so much of our special relationship.

I long to kiss you once more, to open up the floodgates to all the feelings we have for one another, to let you know my deep and abiding passion is for you and you alone in all your incarnations, to be forgiven and to forgive. I long to kiss you once again, to you hold you tightly in my arms, to stare into your your eyes, to grin at you like a fool and see you smile so sweetly. So we both know what we already know, that we are meant for each other, warts and all.

Love,

Daddy

[daddyanddolly]

Extra scary Boo Box on wheels. The Starlight Express of Boo Boxes.

#boo box

[daddyanddolly]

Seriously, though, what’s up with that hat?

[daddyanddolly]

Then the most wonderful thing happened. He wanted to be my Daddy, really and truly. Missed having a novelty seeking pervert for a partner. Regretted the opportunities missed, the lackadaisical effort, the imperative that one must always deny themselves for fear of discovery.

The hard work of trusting began. I had to work at believing him to be sincere, at not pushing him to see if he would drop me or run away. Instead of being passive-aggressive, I asked directly. Instead of being manipulative I communicated openly. It wasn't always easy, but it was much more enriching than martyred suffering based on a mutual fear of rejection. He started to be the boss of me, and that was the end of my chastity. It also ended my self hating actions. I quit trying to deny my own desire. I still didn't masturbate, but that was because Daddy told me not to, and I wanted Daddy to be the boss of me more than I wanted to come. I wanted it more than anything else in the world.

[daddyanddolly]

I started showing Daddy the restraints I found online. A cheaper collar that was coated in rubber, but a steel cable underneath. Oval cuffs that conformed to the shape of ankles and wrists. And my favorite slim steel collar that I felt was far too spendy for a mere piece of bondage equipment.

But the extra tie down points never got installed. I locked and unlocked myself from the chain in the bedroom, and finally left it unlocked. It hurt too much to play pretend with myself. I learned to stop showing him the pictures I collected and to quit mentioning it.

Then I ran away.

[daddyanddolly]

Before then, all the steel and chains had just been a fantasy. When we met I was only into rope, but then efficiency and ease of use won the day after buying a few dollars' worth of chain and a few tie down points. "Are you sure you don't need it any longer than that?" the gentleman at Home Despot asked me. I was quite sure, indeed.

After the chains came home with me, I began to love them. They were unyielding and heavy and burdensome. They clanked and had to be arranged so that the locks didn't dig into my skin. I would jolt awake in the middle of the night from rubbing against the cold metal. Once they were locked around my ankles, my wrists, my throat, there was no escape no matter how much I fought. The longest length of chain just barely allowed me to get from the bed to the toilet.

That was when I started looking at the steel collars online, the ones just thin enough to pass off as jewelry, with hidden locking mechanisms and plausible deniability. I begged my Daddy to install more tie downs: a few more in the bedroom, one in the computer room, one in the kitchen. "I could just sit and be there while you cooked," I told him, "but far enough that I'd be out of your way. We could get one of those giant pillow dog beds!".

[daddyanddolly]

This reminds me of my desires to use you as an altar in my sex majik practices. Tie you down to a bed, draw sigils on your body, fuck you as I repeat invocations, make you repeat those invocations, come on you. You know how it works. I don't need to really explain it to you. I'm your transparent daddy, and I'm not bothered by that at all. It actually makes me feel even more comfortable playing with you and controlling you. You understand and see what I want, I see and understand what you want. It makes us both very happy.

Hail Baphomet!

Daddy, I cannot possibly roll my eyes any harder or they will fall out of my little girl skull. Hail Baphomet? Does this look like a basketball playoff to you? :P

[daddyanddolly]

I was never really into feet. You liked my feet, Daddy, and so I began to like the way that you liked my feet, because I like what you like. Before you toe sucking sounded gross rather than erotic.

Then there was the day you told me to kiss your feet, testing the limits of your burgeoning dominance at the end of a terribly harsh punishment. I was tentative with gently pursed lips, waiting to see if you wanted more and what you would do next. I don't know if it was the caning or being thrown into the closet, but something about that particular day has me slightly imprinted onto this sort of thing now. I like what you like, Daddy, and it seems like you like scared little girls who are so happy they aren't being caned that having your foot in their mouth seems like a blessing in comparison.

[daddyanddolly]

Ugh, the bamboo cane. Stupid stupid me to bring it home to him, authoring my own destruction. The first time Daddy used it on me he was in such a sadistic fervor that it hurt to sit for the rest of the day. Now he uses it on me when I've done something bad to deserve it, and that makes it hurt a hundred times worse.

[daddyanddolly]

My new natural nails aren't as charmingly whorish as the acrylics I wore before, but the acrylics were too dull for Daddy's taste. My real nails are sharp enough to leave little red crescent moons and bloody tracks on his back from where I hold onto him, which I could never manage with my fakes. I miss the length they had, but Daddy says I'm to grow them out. Patience and self control aren't any fun, but obeying Daddy is.

[daddyanddolly]

Daddy helped me pick out polish colors. Ruby red on my fingers and glittery gold on my toes. I've finally managed to grow out the nails out after being a life long nail biter. Yes, I even bit my toe nails. But looking pretty for Daddy is more compelling than any habit, and he likes me to be a pretty little dolly for him.

[daddyanddolly]

Dolly here. I admit, I've been a bad and terrible girl when it comes to keeping up with this here tumblr business. But I have a good excuse, you see. Though Daddy & I aren't long distance, we have so little time together and only a fraction of it is time where we can be filthy together. And then circumstances arranged themselves and planets aligned to give us a two week vacation where we could play to our heart's content. And I'm sorry, dear readers, but naughty times with Daddy is way better than the internet. By, like, a jillion.

But all good things must come to an end, and now here we are. Waiting for the next opportunity, sad that it won't be sooner and longer. Counting the days, weeks, months until it is forever and ever again. Until then, at least I've returned to you with new stories to tell and fantasies to divulge. And without Daddy to keep me busy and distracted, looking at filthy pictures until I get the wiggles is the next best thing.

[daddyanddolly]

Pretty corset marks. That's one of the things I love most about being bound is the indentations left on me, how my skin reddens up so brightly at any little provocation. Until I saw this picture, I hadn't thought about tight lacing providing a similar effect. I want to wear all of your marks, in whatever way you choose to make them. But a way that marks so prettily, and has all the aesthetic and tactile pleasures that corsetry brings? Hmmm...

In Carcerem - May 2012

[daddyanddolly]

“Kate”

© April-lea Hutchinson

[daddyanddolly]