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Myself
- There are so many people out there who will tell you that you can't. What you've got to do is turn around and say "watch me" -
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ghosting
Ghosting is by far one of the most prevalent dating issues facing our generation. It is the act of disappearing from someone’s life with no explanation. This has happened to me more times than enough. I could sit here and talk about each situation but that would be giving too much attention to the shitty guys that did it. Instead, I want to talk about why it sucks so much.
As a little disclaimer. I am not innocent. I have ghosted someone before. It was never anybody I was serious about or anyone I had any sort of real connection with. It was the occasional tinder match gone wrong, never someone I had invested any sort of real time or emotion into. But the same went for them. I know they don’t think about me anymore because we did not have any impact on each other's lives. I did it because I was uncomfortable with telling them why I was no longer interested in talking to them. I felt like it would be an awkward, unnecessary conversation. I realize that I was thinking of my own personal discomfort in those situations, rather than thinking about how it would make the other person feel. And being someone that has been ghosted by countless guys, I should have known better. And for that, I apologize.
Each time I’ve been ghosted has been different. I’ve been ghosted by random tinder guys that I didn’t care about. By a guy I have known for years who came back into my life. A guy who discussed future baby names with me. One of these things all of these relationships had in common though, is that they were never that serious. I am lucky in the sense that I have never been deeply hurt by someone I loved in that way. For me, the individual guy that ghosts me is never the reason I’m upset. It’s never about him. It’s about the way the act of ghosting made me feel. It makes me feel disposable. It makes me feel disrespected. It damages my self esteem and makes me feel like maybe I am undeserving of love and commitment. At first, I never know how to react. I find myself thinking that they’re probably just busy. I never want to assume that they’re doing something to hurt me. After having it been done to me a few times, I got pretty good at being able to tell the difference. However, I have not figured out how to protect myself from letting it happen again. I’ve talked to a variety of men. All with different interests, personalities, and values. Yet, most of those that didn’t end mutually, ended with me getting ghosted. It’s hard to predict, sometimes I go into a “talking phase” knowing that it isn't going to amount to much and other times I go in expecting a relationship. It’s hard to tell how someone is going to be until it’s too late. I used to think I could handle rejection well, because I used to be able to. But the more it happens the more I realize I don’t like being treated that way. You would think it would be the other way around, the more it happens, the more you can persevere. But each time it happens, my self esteem takes a hit which makes each rejection even more painful.
Rejection sucks but being ghosted feels different. I would rather a guy be honest with his rejection and tell me he simply is not interested or just isn’t ready to pursue our relationship any further. Ghosting someone, to me, is basically saying “I don’t even respect you enough to acknowledge the situation.” In addition to the blatant disrespect, it’s also embarrassing. I often give people the benefit of the doubt. As someone who often forgets to respond to messages, I will double text/snap the person without shame, because we’ve all been there. But the embarrassment that comes with that second message or snapchat being left on open or delivered is overwhelming. I can only imagine what the person is thinking. It makes me feel gross and unwanted which is obviously upsetting. It’s upsetting to be waiting for an answer you’re never going to get. Sometimes it gets dragged out for days. You know, the sparse communication, the being left on delivered for most of the day just to be responded to hours later. It’s exhausting. It’s unfair to be left wondering what happened, why they decided to cut contact with you. And often times, you feel like you can’t ask because you’ll seem crazy. But imagine investing months into someone, even casually, only for them to wake up one day and decide that they never want to talk to you again.
It’s time for people to start being honest not only with the other person in the relationship but with themselves. Don’t start talking to someone if you have no intention to commit, unless that is mutually agreed upon. Men, and I know it’s not just men who ghost people but it’s mostly men, need to own up to their feelings. They need to stop playing games with girls because they’re too scared to feel something. It’s sick. It’s damaging to our self esteems and it makes us feel like shit. It makes us feel unwanted, and that is something we subconsciously hold on to. It often discourages us from pursuing other relationships. The affects of ghosting go beyond just the relationship between you and that other person. I can’t start talking to a guy without thinking about whether or not they’re going to do it too. It forces me to not let myself get too emotionally involved which is then damaging my relationship with a completely different person. We, as a generation, need to stop doing this. We need to learn to have empathy for those around us. We need to stop being afraid of having an awkward conversation. But most of all, we need to stop only thinking about ourselves.
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The sun and her flowers - Rupi Kaur
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