cuttinglittleredcords

[cuttinglittleredcords]

April 29, 2024

Living is so painful sometimes. I remember those years where I felt nothing and everything was so easy. I was also creating nothing worthy of being out there, but living was a breeze.

Now I’m out there again, with my chest open and heart exposed and everything hurts. Even things that should bring me joy are slightly painful. Everything is so intense and I feel weak. I feel like I cannot wait for things to unfold and I’m caged in a time frame, impatiently awaiting for it to happen.

The unknown hurts the most. I have an idea of you but I cannot know for sure, at least not yet. This is killing me.

Why can’t people throw themselves into their emotions without restraint. I did this once and it turned out fine, even though I sometimes regret it.

On second thought, maybe it is better to be reserved. I understand people do it to avoid getting hurt, but I wish I could just jump into it with no hesitation once again.

Will the people around me understand? Will it hurt me? Does it matter?

[cuttinglittleredcords]

April 28, 2024

There’s something really strange about the quiet part of creating. The work is done and it’s sitting there for now, waiting to get polished for its final release.

I wonder if people realize everything that goes into it, and how heart wrenching it is sometimes.

I crave to find someone who understands this deeply, because right now I’m feeling really lonely in this aspect.

I want to hold someone who knows my pain.

[cuttinglittleredcords]

April 22, 2024

The past few months have been really strange. Not much has happened or changed, but inside I’m different.

Ever since I have allowed myself to feel without limitations, everything is really vivid, really intense.

Sometimes I’m flooded with beautiful feelings but more often than not I’m plagued with feelings I’m very uncomfortable with.

The more I try to avoid them, the more intense they become, and some of them have become obnoxiously obsessive.

One of those new age people my mom likes to listen to says that to avoid recurring bad feelings you must feel them through.

I’m not sure I want to feel these through, but I know I must. I wish I could read other people’s feelings clearly so I could know if this is something others feel as well.

Sometimes my thoughts seem so disorganized and badly connected that I don’t believe others could understand them. That’s why I write, so I can somehow put things into words that others could understand.

Sometimes it’s the beautiful feelings I’m most afraid of, actually. I’m afraid of giving love that won’t be reciprocated. I’m afraid to feel a way for someone and them not feeling the same for me. I’m afraid of adoring someone that doesn’t care the same for me.

How could I know?

[cuttinglittleredcords]

April 19, 2024

Things are moving fast but it still feels too slow for me. I had to stop and wonder why I felt myself being in such a rush.

There’s no deadline, no pressure, so why do I want this right now?

I believe I’m forced to learn patience, and fate is adding weights to my ankles so I don’t fly out too fast, too far, too close to the sun.

Love is still a complicated thing. How can you have such a strong pull to someone you don’t know?

Strangers are supposed to feel like strangers, not like old friends from another life.

Everything is so fun and easy, and everything dark and gloomy suddenly lightens up.

There used to be only one person who could lift my gloom and boost my spirits, but now I have to deal with someone actually giving me hope.

I don’t know why I find it so horrible. I believe its the hypothetical thought that I don’t represent the same to this person as they do to me.

I don’t even know why I care so much.

I feel like an eager young teen, with emotions fluttering violently inside my chest and flushing my face bright red.

This is embarrassing.

[cuttinglittleredcords]

March 2, 2024

A lot has happened since January. I find myself closer to being where I truly want to be. Living feels like being in love. When a new love starts and all of your feelings are covered in rose petals and sugar.

Falling in love is a feeling I had previously dismissed as overrated, but now I understand it has been the driving force of my entire life. The object of my newfound affection is far, but he feels really close. It’s strange how you meet someone that can give a complete different direction to your life.

Falling in love with life and seeing her in all her beauty and pain does not compare to anything else. Destiny is a kind man playing sweet melodies on his guitar. My heart aches because of all the love I have inside of me, it’s trying to get out but it knows it has nowhere to be, nowhere to go.

I feel it swelling inside of me, getting larger and larger. It feels like a teenager wanting to leave their abusive parents’ home, but not doing it cause she has nowhere else to go. The thought of being out, bare and unsheltered, vulnerable, makes her shake.

What if my love never finds a new home? Will I burst into millions of pieces from trying to hold it in?

I am scared of this love, of how it is already challenging my comfort. But I had decided I was done with comfort and I want to see how far can I go. I hope that Destiny can place his hand in mine, like the Golden Teacher did. I hope his touch is soft and kind, and I hope he has the kind of kiss that becomes engraved in your memory forever.

Like those memories you always go back to when you’re seeking comfort. Like those memories that push you to keep going when the present is not worth keeping.

What can I do with myself? I am a mess inside. How can loving feel so good and be so painful at the same time. I want Destiny to be generous, to be sensitive and understanding. For all I know he could turn cold and cruel, or just apathetic. I could keep laying here, sleepless, daydreaming about him and I, and for all I know he could not give a damn about me.

But I know Death didn’t take me away because he wanted me to be here, and I’m still unable to see the reason why in the horizon. I feel like a sailor lost at sea, nothing but the sight of calm waves in all directions. No sign of land.

Please give me a sign of land, of grounding, of mutual understanding. My heart will burst if I don’t hear from you soon.

[cuttinglittleredcords]

January 8, 2024

Cutting little red cords is a diary meant to keep record of the progress of me modifying my destiny, since I didn’t like the way it was meant to be.

The cords of fate that attached me to a gloomy and helpless future are cut, and I am free to do whatever I want with my life.

Here’s to starting a new year, knowing that those things won’t drag me down anymore.