cupiditascontroversa

[cupiditascontroversa]

Grantaire couldn't help but laugh at Jehan's words. "I guess that's true. I did at least realize that life wasn't for me." He was however quite relieved to be dropping the subject of how good of a person he was. It wasn't something that he was ready to talk about. He didn't agree with what Jehan had said, in any case.

"That's definitely possible, but I don't think talking to him now will do anything for me except tempt me to run away. I am convinced it is that bad, so I do need some time to really think about how to talk to him and apologize for what I said." Grantaire was hesitant to go find the blond, but he would eventually do it. But he didn't want to do it when he was coming down from a high. He feared it would only make things worse.

Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown

#p: jehan #p: beneath this mask i am wearing a frown

[cupiditascontroversa]

Grantaire was starting to think his talking to Eponine to try to help her feel better wasn't the best idea he'd ever had. The rest of their friends were usually more capable of saying the right thing. Still, he did as she asked and dropped the subject of the draft. That was probably better anyway. When he thought about the draft he had this horrible sense of dread. He had this feeling that his eligibility would get him killed. That was definitely not something he should be talking about with Eponine, or anyone really.

His face fell as he got a good look at Eponine's injured hand. He wished there was something he could do about this. "Your brother's been doing a pretty good job of avoiding him in general though. I mean I've seen the kid run around the city. I'm not saying that would help him escape your father, but at least avoid him when necessary." He hesitated and eyed Eponine's injury carefully. "You should make sure someone takes a look at that."

Grantaire shook his head. "Getting him out of the city isn't going to work. You know the kid is just going to try to come back. It'd be better to try to figure something out here. I know it seems safer, but I don't think sending him away will make anyone happy, and Gavroche is definitely the kind of kid who would find a way to get back even if it is risky." 

He hesitated, Eponine's words making him feel a little better, but also made him doubt himself. He wanted to be able to believe what she said, because that would certainly make life a lot easier, but that wasn't how he functioned. "I don't know about that Ep, but I might try to talk to him at least. If it doesn't work out I do have some great avoidance tactics, so I guess that's a good thing."

Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door || OPEN

#p: eponine #p: wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door

[cupiditascontroversa]

Grantaire shrugged and looked down at his hands, itching to take something, but he had already done enough for the day. "I used to worry a lot about what society thought. It's why I was going to college and doing political science because my parents and everyone thought that was what I needed to do." He shuddered. He didn't do anything that society agreed with now. "My art might not be the same as others, but that doesn't necessarily make it great. Please Jehan, stop. I can't hear any more of this." He didn't want to hear it. "He did make more of an effort than I did. That's definitely something."

He wrapped an arm around Jehan's shoulder without even thinking. "I know. I just...I'm not sure I'm ready to talk to that guy again. I should...but I need a little more time, to think over how I'll talk to him."

Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown

#p: jehan #p: beneath this mask i am wearing a frown

[cupiditascontroversa]

The more Jehan said such kind words about him, the more uncomfortable Grantaire felt. He certainly couldn't see himself the way that his friend saw him. His cheeks flushed and he shook his head in disagreement once again. "That's impossible Jehan. I...I'm definitely not beautiful. I think you'll find society views a man like Enjolras as the true beauty. I think there are plenty of people like me out there. Taking drugs, drinking, all of that isn't a uniquely me trait." There wasn't very much about him that was. Perhaps his art, but even that Grantaire often got frustrated with and found that it wasn't as good as it could be. "I think he knows that. He...he did try to get to know me. He tried to have a conversation. I was the one who was....stupid really."

Grantaire sighed, gently squeezing Jehan's hand in return. "I don't know that he does. No matter how rude he was being, I shouldn't have made it sound like he was the worst human being."

Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown

#p: jehan #p: beneath this mask i am wearing a frown

[cupiditascontroversa]

Grantaire's cheeks colored slightly and he looked into Jehan's eyes, albeit unwillingly. He preferred to avoid other's gazes when he was feeling rather low about himself. "I'm not beautiful Jehan." Grantaire replied quickly, his discomfort growing with the way Jehan spoke of him. That didn't seem right to him. A part of him even wondered what he had done to trick the poet into thinking he was this beautiful person he described. "You're right about one thing....he does have a look of marble. But I don't think I can agree with the rest of it. I'd only get in his way. Have you heard of how he plans to save the world and everything? Someone like that...well it's not likely he'd need someone like me."

His eyes focused back down on his hands, his heart sinking further at the thought of how he had spoken to Enjolras. "I suppose that's true. I did think his opinions were a bit too much..." He sighed. "It doesn't excuse what I said to him. I basically made it seem like I thought he'd be the kind of person who wouldn't care if I got drafted and died in Nam all so he can have more room around here."

Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown

#p: jehan #p: beneath this mask i am wearing a frown

[cupiditascontroversa]

Grantaire had been doing fairly well at the comforting thing, so it was only natural that he say something to ruin the mood soon after. He should have just kept his mouth shut about the draft, or anything negative really. But as he was prone to do, he talked too much. It was an immediate regret as Eponine pulled away from him. The point of him being there was to try to comfort her, not make her feel worse. He sighed and ran a hand through his untamed hair, trying to think of a way to make it better again. "Sorry Ep, I shouldn't have brought that up. It's a fault of mine...the whole talking too much. Rambling, and saying things I should just keep to myself."

There was no one he hated more than Eponine's parents. His dad was up there of course, but Mr. and Mrs. Thenardier were perhaps the worst people, and Grantaire wished he could do something about them. "But would he really want to find Gavroche? I mean, he's clearly not one who's very focused on parenting. He may have people, but so do you. People who would help hide him if necessary. You know everyone would do that for you." Grantaire shrugged and crossed his arms. "I don't know if it's that. I think he's well aware of the benefits of getting out of that house. But isn't he also nearly always running around somewhere in the city and not at home anyway? I mean, he'd probably prefer bunking down with random friends than leaving the city."

The way Grantaire viewed himself was typically more negative than anything else. He instantly wanted to shrink away from the kind words that Eponine said because he didn't think they fit. "I think it's rather easy to do actually. I think if he gets the opportunity to get to know me, he won't like what he finds. So, I think I'm going to do that whole admire from afar thing. It's better for my art then anyway."

Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door || OPEN

#p: eponine #p: wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door

[cupiditascontroversa]

Grantaire couldn't agree with Jehan. There was no way that he could compare to an angelic figure like Enjolras. While it was good of his friend to say such kind things of him, they weren't true. Or at least, to Grantaire they certainly weren't true. When he looked at himself he saw only imperfections. His scruffy hair, the bags under his eyes, his body in general which was more bulky than he liked. He could go on all day if he really wanted to, but it would only make him feel worse about himself. "Thanks Jehan, but we really wouldn't. He would be this glorious beacon of light, and I...I would be out of place next to him."

He curled up even more if that was possible, shaking his head immediately at the idea that Jehan would go punch Enjolras. "It's not like I don't judge it myself. He was trying to understand why I was avoiding him at first. But no...don't punch him. He doesn't deserve that. I...I said something pretty terrible. I didn't mean it, but it's like around him I can't say what I mean properly."

Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown

#p: jehan #p: beneath this mask i am wearing a frown

[cupiditascontroversa]

Grantaire was surprised by how quickly Jehan moved over to comfort him. He didn't really deserve it for making it sound like Enjolras was a terrible person. Still, he didn't pull away from the touch, if anything, he tilted his head into the touch of Jehan's hand. It was somewhat soothing, even though there was that part of him that was telling himself that he didn't deserve this at all. "It...I mean...of course I'm out of his league, but this isn't about that..." He sighed and glanced up at the poet, wondering whether he should really discuss this. "It's sort of what we both said I guess. I mean...he was judging me for not trying harder to stay in the university and avoid being draft eligible and stuff."

The dark haired man shrugged and glanced down at his hands. "I got really frustrated and stuff, but he was...he was trying to be friends. I told him that it was really unlikely. That it was a bad idea and all. And of course, I fucked it up anyway by making it sound like my getting drafted would work out better for him because it'd give him more space to do stuff. I...yeah it was stupid. If he didn't hate me before, he's bound to do so now."

Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown

#p: jehan #p: beneath this mask i am wearing a frown

[cupiditascontroversa]

Grantaire looked up in surprise as it was Jehan who had come into the room and not Enjolras's close friend or anything. That was a relief. He really didn't want to explain himself to Courfeyrac. Really he didn't want to explain it to anyone else, but with Enjolras's best friend, it would no doubt have been an unpleasant conversation. He pulled his knees up to his chest and rested his chin on top of them, not feeling up to moving to a different room. "Oh Jehan it's you." He replied softly, still attempting to smile at his friend, because he refused to let this get to him more than it already had. "Well Enjolras and I did have a conversation....I suppose I'm smoking my sorrows related to that conversation."

Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown

#p: jehan #p: beneath this mask i am wearing a frown

[cupiditascontroversa]

"Of course he deserves better. We'll get him out of there Eponine. We just have to come up with a good plan as to how we do it." Grantaire replied, determined to help his friend. And he figured in this case, a positive encouraging sort of comment would go better than any negativity. Even if he thought there might not be a chance at success, for this, he would never say it aloud. There was no need to bring Eponine down to feel like he did in his worst moods about the world and whether anything would get better.

"You know that everyone here would risk it for the sake of you and your family. And hell, I think that's the least troubling risk I have right now. I'm already draft eligible. I'm not sure that anything else would be worse. I mean I guess jail sucks and all but...I don't know. I would risk it." Grantaire decided that fairly easily, as Eponine was a good friend of his, and Gavroche was a great kid. "Out of the city completely? Is your father's reach really that bad? I mean I don't know that Gavroche would go for that anyway."

He sighed and ruffled his shoulder length hair, shifting so he was sitting up properly. "I don't know if I want him to. It might be better this way. I feel like he'd end up hating me if he got to know me better." He muttered softly, avoiding Eponine's gaze. Grantaire knew he was very negative about himself, he had a tendency to be self-deprecating and he didn't often see his own worth.

Grantaire wrinkled his nose and shook his head. "Honestly Ep it's not that funny." He didn't change his position, but he did drape an arm around his friend, perfectly prepared to move it if she was uncomfortable with that. "It's simple really. Bahorel is one of the most loving individuals I've ever met. It's one of my goals to capture that in art in some way, or to capture some of his greatness on paper. Of course it's probably not going to turn out that well, but that's why I want to draw him and like drawing him. He's a good subject to focus on."

Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door || OPEN

#p: eponine #p: wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door

[cupiditascontroversa]

Beneath this mask I am wearing a frown

Grantaire was the world's biggest idiot. He hadn't intended to imply that Enjolras would rather have that open space and him dead. That wasn't really how he had meant it. He had just meant that it might be easier for Enjolras. But naturally, his poor wording and lack of a proper filter over what he said caused trouble. He was especially good at upsetting or angering the blond man, and he had hardly known the guy that long. Still, as Enjolras left, he couldn't help but yell through the door, "I told you it would never work. I fucking told you!" Not that it made any difference. Enjolras was gone, and Grantaire had ruined it. He had said that a friendship between them wouldn't work, and here was the proof.

But there was certainly that feeling of disappointment that he had in fact messed up any chance at friendship with Enjolras. Sure, he had doubts, but there was something about him. Grantaire had seen it almost immediately when they had met. It was part of why he had attempted to avoid him. Grantaire slumped into the nearest chair, no longer eager to greet the day or to find any new subjects to draw. The conversation with Enjolras had taken it's toll on him. He never spoke about his horrible university experience with anyone. Why had he even told Enjolras about that? Why had he been so ready to assume the worst in him? Well, the second question was actually not one that was difficult for him to answer. It was simple. Grantaire was a cynic, and he didn't find it very easy to get along with people very politically minded.

With the friends he had now it had been difficult, but he had largely been able to keep his thoughts to himself. Enjolras however was so passionate, he had been able to see that from the very beginning. And he was rather easy to anger. But this was different. Grantaire had practically accused him of wanting R to die. And that wasn't what he had meant at all. Grantaire should have gone to apologize, but he had no idea where the blond had disappeared to. Instead he curled up on the chair he had settled into and sighed, pulling out the fresh supply of drugs he had bought when he was out the other day. He hardly hesitated when he heard footsteps approach, a small smile (which required a good deal of effort from him) crossing his face as he said, "if you're looking for Enjolras, he's left the building. If you're looking for me well...I've got some extra if you want to try some."

#hctsopen #hctsstarter

[cupiditascontroversa]

There was a very good reason why nobody went to Grantaire for advice. It was the fact that he didn't really have decent solutions to any of these issues. He couldn't even deal with his own problems well. His solution to not being able to choose the major he wanted was to drop out, and that certainly didn't give him any benefits, it just made him draft eligible. Still, he could understand the worry for a sibling. His sister was still at home, and while he was pretty sure she would be okay, he couldn't know that clearly. "Gavroche's a tough kid. But he is young that's true....we'll just have to come up with a way to get him out of there. I'm sure if you were to ask everyone for help, together they'd come up with a good solution."

Grantaire shrugged. He didn't know for sure what the newcomers would do, but one of them seemed like he loved the atmosphere from the get go. That had to be a good sign in favor of them actually moving in. Of course, Grantaire wasn't sure how he personally felt about it, but that meant more people who might be able to help Eponine with her family. "I have a feeling he's going to stay here for a while. His friend seemed really hooked to the place already." Not that this meant it was a done deal, but it did make it a greater chance that those two would stay in the building. "I don't know about that. Bahorel's really great to his friends. He can teach your siblings to be good to people. And Feuilly can teach them to work hard, and Jehan that they should be as they want to be. They'd all be pretty solid influences for the most part. And you...well Ep, you're pretty groovy so regardless they'd be influenced the right way."

He was surprised when Eponine squeezed his shoulder, but pleasantly so. The gesture was definitely comforting, even though he felt that he should've been the one doing the comforting. "Thanks Eponine. That helps a little bit. Though I think I'm way too good at putting my foot in my mouth and all that. It's not like I was trying to bug the guy. It just sort of happened."

Still, talking about Bahorel made him feel better, because there was something about Bahorel. Even when the guy wasn't around, thinking of him did bring a small smile to Grantaire's face. He was a pretty great friend to have. "Please don't put that into my imagination. I like drawing him but that's where it ends. Plus I'm not usually interested in guys. The blond guy downstairs is more of an exception than the rule." He laughed and shook his head. "No, he fidgets too much. The reason I left to go get my art supplies in the first place was because what I was using made too many smudges with his movement. I had to get something that would work better with him."

Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door || OPEN

#p: eponine #p: wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door

[cupiditascontroversa]

"Yes, loans that would be required to pay back pretty soon after, and if I didn't get decent commissions, I would have had years of paying back said loan. And seeing as my grades were lousy, applying for any scholarships would have been pointless. And taking one class would hardly get me anywhere." He was quite irritated by the fact that Enjolras was giving so many suggestions of how he could have remained a student. Like that was any of his business in the first place. All this was doing, was making Grantaire feel bad about a decision that had seemed like the only option.

"They cut me off for not wanting to do political science anymore. And dropping out helped of course." Grantaire took a step back so that he wasn't too close to Enjolras, but he was still facing him. "If I were able to support myself enough to work toward the education thing, sure. But quit making it sound like I made the wrong decision. I did the only thing that worked for me."

Grantaire crossed his arms in front of him and scowled right back at the blond. "I don't see that it matters much to my family, who by the way, are supposed to be the ones who love you unconditionally and all that. And you misunderstood what I was saying. I meant the whole avoidance thing won't matter if I get drafted. Then you'll have all the room to do whatever it is you want. I do actually value my life a little bit. But either way, if I get drafted there's nothing I can do about it. I've accepted that fact already."

Sun, Sun, Sun Here It Comes

#p: enjolras #p: sun sun sun here it comes

[cupiditascontroversa]

You've been out painting the town

Grantaire didn't often go out for long periods of time, but he had decided it was better now that the newcomers were there. When Enjolras was around he had a certain anxiety that really didn't do him well. Sure, he could take drugs and get high and he'd probably forget all about that, but he had run low on his supply. This was part of the reason he was out, but the other was to scout for a new subject to paint. He had already experimented with most of his friends, and he had even already done a few sketches of the golden haired god who had come to live with them. He was certainly going to be a favorite subject of his to use artistically, but it was difficult to watch him for a lengthy period of time without Enjolras realizing what it was he was doing. He figured Enjolras wouldn't appreciate it all that much.

As he walked along one street, Grantaire was somewhat out of place among the adults who dressed as 'normal' members of society. He got a few stares, naturally, but typically these people just kept their distance as if he might spread some diseases. Grantaire took no offense to it. This was actually something he preferred than when people got aggressive about it, or in his face about his lifestyle choices. He was only on that particular street long enough to get the coffee he really enjoyed, and then he was off to get a fresh supply of drugs. Grantaire liked to be high. Usually he had pretty good trips and he could forget about life for a while. Sometimes it didn't go that well, but he did have his friends if he needed help. He went to one of the guys who knew was almost always well supplied, paid what he needed, and left, heading toward the park.

When he was in an artistic slump, he could almost always visit the park and regain something. Plus, the park always had a lot going on. Grantaire could find all kinds of subjects to sketch and then paint if he really wanted to when he got home. But the most important thing was sketching something to get a piece done in some way at least. He had to work later and play guitar for people, many of which had poor music taste and asked him to cover those songs, and he wouldn't have the time for this. He settled on the grass under a tree and sighed, allowing himself to enjoy the moment.

#hctsopen #hctsstarter

[cupiditascontroversa]

Enjolras made everything sound so simple. As if the parents who had basically cornered him into a major would have accepted him wanting to switch it. College cost money, an amount he couldn't have afforded on the salary he got. "This really isn't any of your business you know. If I get drafted that's my problem, not yours." Grantaire paused for a moment to collect his thoughts and to try to control the annoyance he had with the way Enjolras was speaking to him. "Do you really think it would've been that easy? You make life sound so simple that I'm wondering in what kind of world you live in. My parents made me take the subject they wanted me to do well in. What do you think happens if I don't follow that? They cut me off financially. Isn't the world a wonderful place?"

Grantaire's relatively decent mood was going downhill fast, so he couldn't be quite as amused about Enjolras's friend. Courfeyrac it seemed had really fit in quickly. "Yeah your friend seems like he got comfortable here as soon as he got here. This place has a good effect on some people I guess."

Grantaire hesitated, finding himself increasingly less comfortable with this conversation. "This building is big enough that avoidance isn't really that bad. Besides, as you pointed out, I'm draft eligible. I'll probably get dragged out of here one day and then it won't really matter. I'm used to living with some mild discomfort anyway." He shrugged, trying to make it sound like it was no big deal. He dreaded the draft, and he had a sinking feeling that something would happen and he would be tugged into something he didn't want, but he had no real way out of being eligible. "You want to be friends....with me?" He pointed at himself, looking genuinely surprised. "I wouldn't say awful but I think it's not likely to work out well."

Sun, Sun, Sun Here It Comes

#p: enjolras #p: sun sun sun here it comes

[cupiditascontroversa]

Grantaire had to laugh at the concept that he had good grades. But, this guy was actually smiling, and that was unnerving for him. Enjolras was attractive even when serious. The smile, which seemed like something that might be a rare sight for him to see, was charming. But he was amused that Enjolras assumed that he had good grades because he had some sort of artistic talent. "I wasn't an art major. I was political science like you. But it's not something I wanted to do. Something like familial pressure. So I figured I'd drop out before I flunked out."

Still, even as he was discussing his own failure in school, he couldn't help but smile. He was in the presence of a god after all. But the subject of Bahorel was always one that amused him. Grantaire did think his friend had some great moments. "I'd tell you that's the last time that'll happen, but it probably isn't. Some people like to run around naked here." He shrugged, as if that was the end of that. Grantaire certainly wouldn't bother to do anything about it. There was no requirement for him to be nude himself.

Grantaire took a sip of his coffee and took a step closer to where Enjolras was study. "It might not be the smartest tactic, I'll admit that. I might just be avoiding the inevitable really. But as I'm pretty sure I've said, I like to avoid conflict." That and Enjolras was far too attractive, and it messed with Grantaire's head. He didn't think he'd really be able to say the right thing around him. Already he was screwing things up. "Why do you care anyway?"

Sun, Sun, Sun Here It Comes

#p: enjolras #p: sun sun sun here it comes

[cupiditascontroversa]

Grantaire avoided Enjolras's gaze, watching his coffee mug fill and grabbing a snack while he was at it. "I'm usually around unless I'm working. Or...well that's not important, but typically I'm here unless I'm looking for more artistic inspiration." Why was he telling him this? He was only here for the coffee. Having a conversation with this man was not a good idea. If Enjolras understood how R really felt about the world and the ideals that he seemed to uphold, then he would certainly hate him. And that sort of negative energy wasn't needed in the building.

“I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing.” Grantaire quoted, having actually read Plato in his own brief time in the political science area. Of course Enjolras was into that sort of thing. Grantaire was relieved to be away from it. "It's a hassle. When I was in the university it was just papers all the time and it was exhausting. I don't miss it at all. Too much work." Of course, if he had been studying what he had actually wanted, he probably wouldn't have minded it so much.

The dark haired man looked up in surprise at the question. He hadn't thought that Enjolras would take any interest in that. "I've...mostly been trying to finish a piece. Of art, you know? Wait, of course you do, I was going to draw a nude of Bahorel." Grantaire couldn't help but smile because that was the strangest introduction he'd had to a person. The smile quickly faded as Enjolras commented on his avoidance tactics. He sighed and took a careful sip of his coffee. "It's not really tip toeing. I really was working on an art thing. Also, I am slightly weird about others seeing my work, but not enough to worry about whether you'd look at it. It's more that I disagree with a lot of what you believe, and I want to avoid conflict here, because that's what I do. I avoid."

Sun, Sun, Sun Here It Comes

#p: enjolras #p: sun sun sun here it comes