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These are from 5 months ago and finished my last sketch journal. The one I’ve been using now is about 1/3 the way through thanks to morning pages.

I want to do a big linoleum piece soon, and maybe a smaller linoleum series of rock stacks

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Almost intervened in a fight at disco work, then instead took a breath, checked in with my disco lead, and the bar handled it before I finished my check in. Proud of myself for having that awareness with self at this heightened job that has gotten me in so many ways in the past.

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Okay, incomplete pros and cons on moving below. I’m definitely moving, just very scared about money. Looking to organize and better understand the going on inside me about this.

Hinderances or cons my mind supplies: sudden shift to a new financial situation/ drastic change in what I pay for rent, small living space or dreadfully another shared one, the distance from and inherent loss/change of queer family connections I have in current city, fears and doubts about the unknown and inexperienced, and survivors guilt in fleeing/abandoning/ditching for healthcare in a safer state.

Opportunities or pros: new experiences and therefor new data, trans surgery and softening in legally the safest state available, deepening relations with queer family in that city, art opportunities out the wazzoo, seasonal weather, living where I didn’t grow up in class and drug trauma, and sharing of southern queer love with other states.

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Oh boy gotta talk about moving soon with bf. He knew going in to our relationship that I was moving at the end of this year, and has said again and again he wouldn’t trade the experience and is happy for the time we have together. I’ve got residual ick from 4 yr partner threatening sui if I left her, along with general learning to do around how to prioritize my own wants and needs in life.

Bf has stated he will cry when we talk, and part of me is really adverse to this, even though rational brain knows him crying doesn’t equal a threat if I leave.

Really learned so much from this relationship about what I deserve in romantic connection, but also feeling like okay I want a looooong break from romantic relationships for a while again.

Also to even have this talk with him, I need to face the huge wall of fear that is financial unknown. I know that B and L have assured me that I won’t be homeless again, but the body doesn’t trust that yet. I big time don’t want to ask anyone for financial help ever again because growing up bedding for money sucked so bad.

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Aw dang it’s big wish I had a loving mom hours

I watched a video of a person with autism drawing with encouragement from their mom, and I started tearing up a lot. Drawing has always been how I coped and expressed myself, the earliest I remember being single digits on a carpet drawing near my mom and whatever man she was with at the time. Idk I’m just like really hit by the “that’s so great, you’re doing so well” and specific compliments the mom in the video was giving about the art. There had to have been times where my mom encouraged my art, when I was little and wanted to create and share beauty with her. It felt very “at least I have this”, one thing I’m good at that she can see and recognize as valuable beyond my looks or adultification. When I started drawing my depression or scary things as a tween she fully gave up on me, around the same time I came out as trans. I’m so parent-lonely and ache so deeply for a mom that loves me like that, and sometimes seeing things like this, that feeling just smacks me out of the blue.

Big sob in bed about it, don’t know when I cried about these feelings last but glad they’re coming out even if they hurt to feel.

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Very triggered today around being stuck downtown for the day with no phone or money and held myself through it, went through acceptance and listening to what I needed, and got through a 10 hour shift. I found little joys where I could and looked out for inner kiddo when they were very upset. Caught the self criticism over and over and replaced it with love over and over. Tough but got through, skills applied and data collected.

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“What would it have felt like to have a parent who enjoyed you?”

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if you need to take a break from kink, if you need less of a dynamic, you're not a bad person. a sub who needs time off from the rules and punishments is not a bad sub. a dom who needs a break from being in control or giving punishments is not a bad dom. you're a whole, complex person, and there's no shame in not being able to be one thing one hundred percent of the time. it's okay to take a break. anyone who shames you or makes you feel like you're letting them down because you aren't up to playing the way you usually are is not a good partner. don't let anyone shame you for attending to your needs, even if those needs include "less kink."

#needed this years ago in my four year relationship oof #I was also a very disregulated and traumatized smoker in my early twenties #and didn’t know the first thing about what a 24/7 would entail or mean for my life #sending love to younger me for getting through that and leaving what I thought would kill me if I left

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Baby’s second market tabling their art, it’s supposed to be windy I hope it goes well

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It tugs on my heart when family calls me the first two letters of my name

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Feeling things about watching this. It’s got problems obviously but it’s also the first time I’ve seen children interviewed that have similar childhood to me. One of the parents are dismissive and harsh to the daughters and reminds me of Jessica, but there’s obviously the “single mom trying her hardest” angle for each family. The bleak outlook and grief in the children is so real and helps me make real my memories and honor inner child that suffered. Obviously no aca represented but poor and sad adultification times the hopelessness and distrust from a raging and absent parent in addiction.

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Not to brag but it’s very brave of me to take the bus twice a day in dresses and facial hair. Dressing for my transcestors looks a lot of different ways and on days when dresses and skirts call to me I hold them so close.

#looking forward to softening in a place where this isn’t considered brave and isn’t testing the law