courtneybriana

[courtneybriana]

2/7/21 8:33 pm + 6/21/23 5:52 am revised

— here’s the truth:

1. my parents were my first heartbreak. from the age of 5, i was aware of that and there was never a time in my life where i was not aware of it. i remember my 5th birthday like it was yesterday. it was the perfect day….until it wasn’t. divorce is death.

2. sometimes it feels like i’m slowly bleeding out in the street and no one can see me dying. everyone’s just walking by but no one is stopping to help. it’s like my pain is nonexistent…i’ve always been the person who never folds and figures it out on her own, or i’m simply perceived that way, so people seem to believe i’m never in need of anything…especially those who were closest to me. never in need of an apology, never in need of being checked up on, never in need of a shoulder to cry on, never in need of being celebrated or supported, never in need of being understood, never in need of more...i’ve realized…it’s like people think i’m never worth the love and care i’ve poured into them because i always seem to be just fine. i am just fine….because i’m the one who picks myself up every time.

3. these days i really miss my abuela…like a lot. it’s like once she was gone, nothing that made sense before ever made sense again. i miss her wisdom the most. there is so much i understand now that i didn’t understand then and i wish i could tell her here now in the earth realm. but that’s the irony of death…grief man. fuck.

4. for 22 years, i was against the idea that someday i might have a baby. me as a mom? never imagined myself as a muva or wanted that experience. at 24, i barely slightly welcomed the thought. maybe surrogacy? at 26, i smile at the idea that one day i may carry and have a baby born into this love and divinity with my partner. that alone is god and love, a love that i once thought i was too good. transmuted my pain into purpose.

5. in the last 2-3 years, i’ve come to realize a couple things. people never show up for me the way i show up for them. people don’t hold space for me the way i hold space for them. people don’t pour into me the way i pour into them. people don’t take the time to understand me as i do for them. everyone just leeches off my energy and takes until i’m drained of nothing and left to pick myself up by myself. so the solution has been simple: distance + acceptance. stopped pouring into energetic leeches because i’m sick of it and i deserve better. acceptance. i’ve stopped asking myself why and i simply poured more into myself, my craft and the ones who can easily and effortlessly water me as i them. if reciprocation and understanding aren’t at the table, neither am i. i’m attracting my soul tribe.

6. i used to wonder if God was lying to me; about my life + my purpose. he wasn’t. i have the kind of magic that can’t be named or recognized by soulless beings. the things i’ve worked for and manifested, the blessings i receive, the relentless and unwavering faith and self belief i have, the way God has transformed my life in more ways than i’ve ever prayed for or imagined…i am always so divinely taken care of it brings me to tears every time i think about it. thank you God, thank you Grandma, thank you to my spirit guides.

7. as i tap deeper into my inner child work, my childhood memories comes to my mind a lot these days. i can hear my abuela, mom, and aunts telling me to stay in a “child’s place.”

8. it took me six years after i thought i knew love to actually find love. real unconditional unwavering love. soft love. the only love that’s made me consider an idea of forever…if that even exists as corny as it sounds.

9. i’m a mystery these days. i’m very hard to read. i’m not as vulnerable to let you in as i have in the past unless i feel safe with you. i don’t really care to be seen or be in the mix. i see through all the bullshit and i dont really care to be around nggas cause everybody is pretending. don’t really care for meaning less conversation or to catch up. everybody is lying anyway. everyone is being fake. everyone is wearing a mask. no one is keeping it 100 with anyone or even themselves. shame + accountability no longer exist. the world is complete chaos and people are dying left and right. mfs hanging out for vibes and just to be outside but don’t even like each other and talking shit. it’s weird outside. bitches are weird, nggas are weird. no substance. no morals and values. no safety. everyone is moving weird asf. i can’t do the fake shit or the facades. we’re all living our best lives though, right? mfs ain’t bringing nothing to the table and i’m good, bro. in my own world always + forever. truly been getting back to the way life felt better social media because mfs are so lost in the sauce and i want no parts. it’s beneath me. i need to move.

10. fuck what people fail to realize. what i’ve learned is that people will always have their own truth of what they think happened based on their perception. so i’ll happily be the villain.

[courtneybriana]

do you thank God for you?

- courtney briana

[courtneybriana]

your healing begins once you stop labeling yourself as the victim.

- courtney briana

[courtneybriana]

when’s the last time you got on your knees and prayed?

when was the last time you really talked to God?

[courtneybriana]

i value the way i naturally distance myself from people when i can feel their energy off. if it’s not in alignment with me, it’s not for me.

-courtney briana

[courtneybriana]

the only people upset with you for knowing your worth are the ones who don’t know their own.

-courtney briana

[courtneybriana]

i am so detached from the opinions of others.

[courtneybriana]

heart + path = purpose.

-courtney briana

[courtneybriana]

who are you without external validation?

do you even know?

- courtney briana

[courtneybriana]

praying for happier days

for everyone.

-courtney briana

[courtneybriana]

i’ve healed. + i’m still healing.

-courtney briana

[courtneybriana]

mi alma:

1. my greatest discovery is the light within myself — i am whole. the only validation i seek comes from within. outside people, outside perceptions, + misunderstandings hold no power over me. 2. my art represents my mind; my thoughts; my words; my emotions; my perspective; my identity; my inner being + soul and my spirit. it’s poetry to some, but it isn’t to me. they are words that mean much more. my words are healing words. they transform. they’ve moved mountains in me. they move mountains in others. 3. my peace surpasses the understanding of many — i don’t give a fuck. 4. i’m honored to feel so deeply and to be one with myself — my mind, body, and soul; to be so aware and in touch with my thoughts and emotions that i’m able to feel that in others as i have in myself. because i always understand what i need internally, i am in the position to give it to myself. 5. i’ve become very comfortable with “not sharing my side of the story” to anyone. i see myself and God sees me, i have understanding. my truth will always be mine so fuck how you feel. 6. recently, i’ve accepted i’m not as forgiving as i’d like to think i am. i forgive but i don’t forget —keep your energy away from me. i’m protective of my space. when people cross me, i revoke access — if it’s not transparent or trustworthy, it has no place in my life. everyone doesn’t deserve a second chance with us just because we forgive them. and that’s okay. 7. i’m simply not a believer in wishing people the best that are no longer in my life if that’s not how i feel. i don’t believe i have to wish anyone anything, good or bad, because i don’t owe anyone anything nor do they. sometimes, it’s okay to simply wish people no longer in your life nothing because you simply don’t care. it doesn’t make you bitter, angry, or hurt. toxicity is dead — you don’t have to love them from a distance or be cordial. you withdraw your energy + you move forward. you heal + and evolve. 8. i pray a lot for humanity these days. while the whole country is at war, i feel peace + tranquility. i’m calm, i’m trusting in God. i know we’re going to evolve. 9. understanding is my love language — i love everyone who loves me thoroughly, inside + out authentically. 10. comprehension. it’s rare. people lack comprehension more than anything. people only listen to respond, but they don’t really hear you. 11. at 23, i’m just happy to be alive. everyday, i’m more reminded of how blessed i am. my life is full with love. i’m grateful for my life.

[courtneybriana]

be a visonary —

believe in more than what you can see.

- courtney briana

[courtneybriana]

my peace surpasses the understanding of many

-i don’t give a fuck.

[courtneybriana]

i’ve been praying more than usual; for the world + our souls. God is telling us something and i’m paying attention. i hear him, i’m listening. the answer is, has been, and will always be love.

fear + anxiety don’t live here.

— pay attention, close your eyes, God is speaking.

[courtneybriana]

22 years of life

with you

April 5, 2019

i lost my Grandma a year ago today

still feels unreal

my heart hurts just as much as it did a year ago

i would give anything to be with you again

i miss your angelic spirit the most —

a woman of God, her faith + family above anything else

a high vibrational woman

a divine woman —

everything you are is love

your words of wisdom along with your sharp tongue

your divinity, soul + resilient energy

your sense of gratitude for life

your dedication to raising a family of strong women

your strength + will to create a better life for your children all on you own

your voice

your warmth

your unconditional love for and open heart to your grandchildren

your preaches about God’s will

your unconditional love + body of light

your warmness

your magic

your pancakes

what a gift from God to live until 89

knowing you transitioned peacefully surrounded by us and are with God keeps me going

knowing that u are with me in spirit + divinely guiding me and protecting me keeps me going

the wisdom and grace that you have instilled in me keeps me going

prayer + faith keeps me going

understanding + fulfilling my purpose keeps me going

you taught me to always trust in God and myself

and i’ll never waver because of you

Grandma

as grateful as i am for my years with you i wish we had more time

every first has been hard without you

i miss you so much

i think of you everyday

i pray to you

i wonder about what you’re doing

i know you’re happy

losing you has been the hardest thing i’ve ever been through

thank you for the signs + visiting me in my dreams

i honor you

i honor your legacy

i promise to always live in my truth and apply your wisdom to my life

i carry this pain with purpose

i hope i am the woman you always prayed i would be

i love you

[courtneybriana]

la diosa;

her soul was not one that had ever touched earth before.

-courtney briana