cosmo-spams

[cosmo-spams]

oh my god can my dad shut up

#first a comment on calories in a food I am eating #now he’s telling me I didn’t do laundry correctly #and the other day he started telling me off for producing dishes While my friend was here #oh my god #I am unnecessarily upset rn #I want to go to bed

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“she” what if you die.

#can’t deal with this today what if I never talk again cuz my voice is so high

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I feel like no matter what someone else is doing worse than I am so I get ignored

#I hate how much I want to be taken care of #so stupid and needy #I just like #yesterday I only made it through unscathed cuz I couldn’t do anything without my roommate seeing #I think I would’ve relapsed otherwise #but ifk #this rn may be the most hopeless I’ve been since h was 16 #and even if I share that- no one does crap cuz everyone else has more to deal with #what if I want to be reminded to take care of myself #and what if I want people to be worried abt me? #that’s so selfish idk man #I just want people to care but im incapable of showing that in meaningful ways #instead I just joke #when it’s like. No yesterday was the most suicidal I’ve been in years #I won’t kill mysefl I promise #but like #it was a bad day #and I’m so tired

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I forgot how overstimulated I get at home

#loud loud loud #everyone’s so loud I can feel my eardrums

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I forgot how overstimulated I get at home

#so much is always happening #I need a break tonight’s gonna be a reset night

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I need my dad to shut up so bad rn

#‘just put on foot in front of the other’ #thanks I’ve never thought of that #anxiety has been cured #also leave the kitchen you’re sick oh my god leave

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easy way to get me to cry: spend literally four days at home

#now I’ve gotta act normal but I so look like I was crying cuz I can’t stop oh my god #I just want five minutes to myself

[cosmo-spams]

sometimes ppl are so triggering.

#why does no one eat. #I feel like I have a massive appetite compared to everyone around me cuz I eat more than once a day #how do they do that? #am I bad for not? #I feel like I’ve been eating too much #idk man #too tired for this #I just feel like maybe I’m being lied to and I’m not supposed to eat more than once a day #cuz no one else seems to

[cosmo-spams]

my mom keeps sending me posts talking about how I’m mean to her and how she’s always cared about me

#god ok yeah sure #you cared when you said that you would’ve had another kid if you knew I would be trans #you cared so much when you stopped calling me the perfect kid cuz I’m trans #you cared so much when you physically harmed me and then I only remembered recently in a flashback that this has happened #yeah. I’m the bad guy here. #ok sounds good #show me your stand up comedians from Facebook that talk about how hard parenting is cuz kids hate you #I’ll laugh.

[cosmo-spams]

tired of taking care of everyone always

#it keeps going. #I’m fine with a few vents or some from certain people (my bf is excluded from all of this) #but it’s like #I have three friends always venting to me #at least one or two a day Minimum #I’m tired of being responsible I wanna go crazy #I wanna be taken care of #I want others to worry abt it #me not it #but I don’t know How to allow that

[cosmo-spams]

tired of taking care of everyone always

#organizing the bus. organizing plans. comforting everyone. making sure the energy is ok. being kind. #what if I stop. #what then. #what if I stop being like this. #idk if I Could but #I want to

[cosmo-spams]

why am I in such a low mood rn

#probably cuz of bpd #but idk #I just Can’t focus on anything and everything’s muted #I could just sleep for the rest of the day and I feel like I’d still be tired #two ppl canceled on plans tonight out of the six that could go #including me #idk why that matters but it does #I picked the movie #also I just had a mild argument w/ my roommate and it’s fine neither of us are upset #but like. I’m so tired I just wanna be told everything’s gonna be ok #but instead I’m comforting everyone else #and that’s what the argument was abt cuz I don’t have to #that isn’t my job #yet if I don’t I feel bad #I at least wanna be useful if nothing else #this is a long vent with too many thoughts sorry it’s not that deep I promise

[cosmo-spams]

god why can’t my meds work quicker

#about to have a breakdown cuz I feel slightly left out #and I just wanna sleep #I think I’m overtired idk #but tomorrow there’s sm to do and I need to sleep soon #but I can’t #I wanna cry over this that’s so dumb

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suddenly I feel Bad

#mmm she just responded but it took 15 minutes after reading it and it’s like #ok so you’re upset with me #I think I’m just having a bad day w bpd but idk man #gonna do my work now

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suddenly I feel Bad

#I was already dysphoric #I then talked abt it w a friend who then just liked my message and said nothing and it’s like #oh ok I think I’m the worst person ever rn #and you hate me #which is not mentally stable behaviour #but now I can’t focus on work cuz this friend clearly hates me #or I just messed up and she’s in a bad place and I’m bad #cuz I shouldn’t have said anything #anyways whatever it’s fine I’ll shut off emotions to finish this

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I am trying so hard to forgive my mom cuz she’s Trying but the semi-regular flashbacks to my childhood make that difficult

#like. lemme be reminded of why I’m like this randomly. #thanks brain. why can’t I heal.

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sensory overload at the xmas eve event

#we were supposed to leave a half hour ago I feel like I’m suffocating