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I'm so thankful my spouse is safe, for all my parts. Once my wife started to ignore my text to basically leave me alone to suffer, things eased up. Yeah, A has been hanging a lot, but it's because their job isn't done until 7 (their main task was getting me through my WFH shift). The co-piloting isn't as intense though, so I'm thankful for that.

Here's to this week being done tomorrow, thank dog.

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We don't like it when meltdowns happen for no discernible reason. But A is co-piloting the day now because everything became Too MuchTM. He doesn't do well with much other than the direct task at hand (survive my slow passing work day) while helping to buffer some of the explosiveness of my meltdowns like the one today.

The last few months have been a lot of work accepting I'm some system or plural...idk...but moments like this, when I get co-piloted, do nothing but remind me I'm not normal...

#osdd diagnosis journey #osdd community #plurality #osdd tag #a tag #~A

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I can't sleep & it's not for any of the expected reasons...

It's because my meds wore off so all the stimulation of the day felt like it wad catching up and I just couldn't handle the conversation that was perceived by me as going on needlessly long when all I wanted was to try their method of my door & tower fan setup (ac went out so its toasty) while sleeping. And just...it felt like I just couldn't explain myself or my words weren't coming out how I was thinking them. So I've been beating myself up for almost 2 hours because of it...I'm off to try and see if my seeoquil works...

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Starting Adderall (day 2) has been weird. Yesterday, time went smoothly and it was easy to focus and stuff. After my 2nd dose, I'm weirdly sleepy...and idk why. I didn't sleep the best last night but this morning dose helped me feel more engaged than I do currently. Just learning I suppose.

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I really wish I could maintain friendships, and that doing so wasn't such a drain on my energy. Its not that I stop caring about people, but to feel like I need to care 24/7/365 vocally is exhausting. Yes, I think of my friends daily, but I'd rather only talk sporadically and interact for spurts of time when we can. I just...idk why I struggle so hard with it.

(It's pro my adhd, my autism, or my OSDD/DID or just trauma but who knows)

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I (hopefully) start ADHD treatment tomorrow, and if not tomorrow then at some point this week 🤞 I'm so anxious but excited for this

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Well, we have an ADHD diagnosis (finally). I'm not sure how to feel because part of me already knew, but part of me was shocked by how easy it was to get diagnosed. If my parents had taken the time to get me tested as a child, I'd have not had to adjust to it as an adult but w/e

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I can't help but wonder if the certain phases I go through with my witchcraft and spiritual practice all correlate to an alter?

#osdd diagnosis journey

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Realizing I've hurt a dear friend because I can't reciprocate the type of support she needs has gutted me, or it should. But ...while I feel bad I hurt someone I care for, I don't feel as intensely as I feel I should?

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Me, tonight to my spouse: You know, I truly do not understand what you talk about when you explain to people how you were as a kid. Like, how you thought and analyzed things. For example, I know I was smart and was able to consume and process lots of information because I was in gifted & talented, had special library privileges, and I can even tell you that I loved mythology. But, I don't know what my demeanor or personality really was. I don't remember it.

Me, internally: Yeah, WE dOnT hAvE OsDd/DiD wE CaNt PoSsIbLy bE ThAt TrAuMaTiZeD

Me, to my spouse after i was discussing my outdoor hiding place where i used to read: I mean, I also remember sneaking to get ice cream from the ice cream truck and handing the ice cream man the wrapper....that sounds sadder when it's out loud.

#osdd diagnosis journey #me? fucked up? neeeever #/s #osdd community #plurality #but its these moments that really make me go #hmmm much to think about

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I've got a question? Is it possible that we have 3 "designs" of an inner world? Like....depending on my copilot would depend on what that inner world is experienced as? Does that make sense?

Also, someone used the right pronouns today (in a time of high-performance stress), and it sounded so wrong? Like...yes, please keep using it but...no I'd rather not? It was so weird.

#osdd diagnosis journey #osdd community #plurality

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Me: I'm fine

Inner World:

#osdd diagnosis journey #osdd community

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if anyone needs to hear this: your alters having similarities doesn't mean you're "subconsciously faking."

you share a brain, of course you're going to have some commonalities!

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Now the intense feelings that are different make so much fucking sense. So, for context. My therapist believes the goal of therapy is eventually to get off medication like antidepressants & such.

Here's the thing. Part of me? So down for that, because I've been on meds for the better part of 1y years. Then there's this part of me that feels that's neglectful for me to put our care into the hands of a mental health professional who believes that. So the copilot who handles therapy is absolutely fantastic and handling each therapist I've had, and motivates us towards the therpaists methods. But...now that I've been away for a bit, I also get the major anxieties and fear and dread. Idk why I didn't question that but uh yeah, tomorrow we formally start to find a new therapist and then cancel the appointment coming up (scheduled like 8 weeks ago)

#osdd diagnosis journey

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if you can’t eat a whole meal, eat half. you ate, that’s what is important.

if you can’t get out of bed, try and sit up instead of lying down. it’ll be better for your back and your blood pressure.

if you can’t shower or have a bath today, try and brush your teeth and clean your ears. it’ll keep you a little cleaner, and we often forget those areas. 

if you can’t get dressed today, change underwear and use some deoderant. it’ll leave you a little fresher until you have the strength to change fully.

and remember, i’m very proud of you. your best will look different every day, and that’s okay.

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Host: experiences trauma Brain:

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"Hey, remember that time when you started using we/us when referring to yourself?"

Me: and how I had to be bullied into stopping? Yes, I distinctly remember that.