coming-back-to-june

[coming-back-to-june]

some things don't have to make sense

it happened because it happened. there's no special meaning to it. things happened because things are always happening.

your perceptions are the ones that give meaning to things. your projections decide how it will affect you for life.

if you look at the world with wounded eyes, everything that will happen to you will wound you. as a result, you will wound people who in turn will wound others the same way they got wounded.

it's a cycle that only those with the bravest minds could break.

but just because you have the empathy and the courage to understand it, doesn't mean you have to continue understanding it. sometimes, things and people are better left the way they are - hopeless, muddy, forever dirtied by life.

i used to think that it's unfortunate that with my healing comes the end of my love. i loved so much that i thought i could never love anyone the same way i did.

but then again, maybe that's just how life is. you meet some, you love some, you lose some...

and then you move forward. never to repeat the same mistake all over again.

#clean

[coming-back-to-june]

03.03.2023

3:23am

to my cruelest love,

i get triggered by the things others would probably deem trivial. i get triggered by the mention of bees, seeing crocheted bows, your favourite anime, my favourite songs, the musician you mentioned before and his most famous record, chocolate churros, buddhism, your language, and anything that somehow reminds me of you - may it be directly related or not.

most importantly, i get triggered by anything romantic - flowers, chocolates, teddy bears, little seemingly platonic touches with an affectionate undertone, the word "love."

despite knowing that it's a lost cause, i still wonder what would it be like had i been a little more honest? i keep on thinking back to our last interaction. i know that i was already truthful at the time - in fact, more than i should be - but what if i had just strived to be a little bit more honest?

you see, i have always been hard on myself. that is probably why i took a lot of hurt from you.

then again, you were not good for me. in fact, anyone in their right mind would probably celebrate my getting away from you. they would probably commend me for dodging a bullet. after all, you managed to unearth my deepest traumas. you drowned me in a dopamine spike and left me muddled by my own projections.

still, what if i had just used a different word other than "weird" to describe the first instance that i thought it could be different? knowing you, you would probably ignore all the positive stuff that i said in order to twist my words to fit your victim narrative.

sometimes, i find myself wondering about what happened that skewed your perception about the people that were generally just trying to be nice? is it because you've been used and discarded before that you somehow embodied the paranoia? therefore, in order to survive, you use and discard others before they can beat you to it?

then again, maybe this is just one of my many projections. after all, i do have that kind of trauma, albeit not carelessly throwing away people the way you did.

i really need to work on myself, don't i? if i ask you this question, you would probably say yes mockingly. this one, i can say for sure. you have a knack to secretly cover the towel with gasoline before you throw it on fire, effectively masquerading your bitterness with practised sympathy. you use it to get equal with my innate sarcasm, one that i admittedly use to charm others into believing my cause. what you failed to realise is that i can see through it and i chose to ignore it to trigger you. i have always been a little devil's advocate ever since i was a girl.

we never had a good relationship, but somehow i wish we could have been friends. that way, i won't have to form these projections to keep you alive in my mind or to romanticise our toxic similarities that ultimately led to a heartbreaking repulsion.

but maybe, us not becoming anything is for the better.

maybe, me not telling you about what i truly felt is the safest way to get out of that situation, with my dignity intact.

you made me feel unsafe until the very end, and that's because you don't have the courage to confront my truth or to make me confront yours.

so maybe, me leaving you permanently in that place is the best decision i could ever make.

but i hope you do realise that in spite of my words, me wishing you all the best in the world despite all the pain that you caused me is me telling you that i love you.

and me praying for your peaceful healing, despite being a non-believer, is me telling you that this love is real like no other. that even if we no longer see each other, i will tuck your memory safely in the deepest corners of my mind.

it sucks that i feel this way for the wrong person. and it sucks knowing that i will continue to feel this way for a long time.

but you know what sucks even more?

it's knowing that with my healing comes the end to this bittersweet affection.

that no matter how better of a person i think i will be when i survive this, i can never be that person to you because you will cease to exist in my reality.

and as sad as it might be, it is the only way forward.

[coming-back-to-june]

full circle—

i would probably continue to look for you in your favourite anime; think of you whenever i listen to the japanese songs that my friends recommended.

i would probably wonder about you for a long time; yearn for your warmth during cold dark nights where regrets are most heightened.

i would probably daydream of the "what ifs" while you sleep peacefully; call for your name with so much conviction and longing, it will put real lovers to shame.

and when i finally will myself to sleep, i would probably dream of you — the version that was sweet and kind in the beginning.

then my bones would break because i let myself freefall when i should've embraced my body for the impact.

then my heart would break even further because i let you know when i could've kept it to myself.

then i would crumble into pieces because i still loved you despite having my feelings trampled on and get used against me.

then i would find myself dusted into smithereens because i regret leaving despite knowing that it was the only way to preserve my soul.

then i would numb myself to live in a world where you don't exist because i chose my reality.

"enough is enough. he doesn't fit the equation," i would tell myself as i hold onto my grit while chasing my dreams.

then the night would turn into day and everything would come full circle, continuously spiralling upwards then downwards until a big black hole forms in the middle.

then i would outgrow the grief, lock it in a safe somewhere in the deepest corner of my mind.

then i would be moving forward, albeit missing parts of me that i lost when i let myself love you.

your favourite anime would lose its magic. the japanese songs would lose their meaning.

your warmth would be replaced by someone else's. the regrets would become nothing but just a tale in the past.

then the "what ifs" would no longer keep me awake at night. just like you, i would be sleeping soundly instead of writing about missed chances and trampled love.

then i would forget your name as we drift further away from our beginning.

[coming-back-to-june]

it's painful, realising that the one you love cannot be part of the "good life" that you're trying to build for yourself. knowing that their only place in your life is in the past because bringing them into the present and future will just do more harm than good.

and despite being wise enough to know all of this, you still yearn for them because what you felt was real.

even still, you move forward and leave them behind because you owe it to yourself to build a safe life where you can be free and true to what makes you "you."

because he was never a safe space. all he was is a mirror of what you sought for when you were still a child. he is the personification of all your childhood scars. he made you feel seen, but he dropped you cold. the same way your parents were never in tune with your emotional needs when you were in your formative age.

he reminded you of the strong and protective man that your father was supposed to be. he came to your rescue when you were helpless, something that your mother failed to do.

and then he made you feel worthless, he made you work hard to prove yourself. he made you question yourself repeatedly, almost forgetting the woman that you have become upon surviving the dark years of your childhood and teenagehood.

he unapologetically pressed on the scars of your inner child. the girl whom you owed your life to and the one whom you swore to protect when you grow up.

and because of that, you know that you will never be safe with him.

so you tried to forget him as you rebuilt.

[coming-back-to-june]

"To be truly radical is to make hope possible rather than despair convincing." Raymond Williams

[coming-back-to-june]

to the one who taught me about the revolution

i successfully replicated you in the mind and body of someone else. a different face with a different name and a different soul, but with the same knack for menace. he was a lot angrier than you and that made him easier to mold. he tripled the anguish and took my heart by force.

i admit he managed to do something that you never had the heart to. he made me second-guess the way i was living my life - the schemes i concoct to secure my wins, the ways in which i protect myself, and how i fill the void from within.

he cut so deep, it reached my values - the sacred rules i made sure to never break so as to allow myself to be human.

funny thing though, he doesn't seem to have integrity. unlike you, he doesn't care for the poor nor the injustice that scars them into poverty and wrongful death.

he only cares about himself and his troubles because in his own belief, he was always the victim. despite traumatising others and leaving them devoid of life, he is resourceful enough to always secure the role of the casualty. (guess what? i got fed up so i really turned him into one.)

he played me, the very mind that you molded to play people like him. people whose greed and self-interests made it impossible to co-exist with dignity. people who look at others based on how efficiently they can be utilised. people who preserve the status quo because it benefit them.

he was so ignorant that i thought i could turn him into another me. the same way you have taught me to re-direct my anger into justifiable causes that gave me a reason to live. i thought i could become you to him, minus the unstable wanderlust.

but alas, i really did become you. i ran away. unlike you though, i didn't do it to get away from myself. i did it to come back to the version of "me" that you taught to take a stand. because i know - no matter how painful it was - that you pushed me to become a better person. at least, better than i used to be.

i am over you now, but i am still reeling from the ruins that he constructed in my image.

you taught me to be human and he taught me to cherish and protect the human that i've become.

i am loving my life now amid the chaos. i've learned to accept that maybe my ideals aren't enough to make this world a better place. even still, i am going to continue to care and fight. to live a life that will change other people's for the better. the way you have touched mine.

i think i'm finally letting go of my old ways - the schemes i created to put myself into positions of power, the ways in which i tore others to protect myself, and the way i turn to outside sources to fill the void in my soul.

i recovered from you by recreating you in the mind and body of someone else. i am going to recover from him by coming back to myself and letting go of what needs to be left in the past.

i can no longer change the world, so i am changing myself.

this is my revolution. one that i am founding in self-compassion and love.

#about you

[coming-back-to-june]

delilah—

if i could go back, i would do it all again. but this time, i would make sure to reserve a front row seat to watch you writhe in pain. you think you could manipulate me by baring your teeth? i have years of pent-up rage fueling my grit.

i told you i don't get angry easily but that's because anger is just a child's play. i don't hate because i loathe. instead of cursing, i scheme revenge. i don't do things without leaving a mark.

you see, i'm smart and polite but i hate it when people cross me just because they think they can. and if you ask me what my favourite scheme is? it's killing people with kindness.

so i went for the kill and i made sure to hit you and the people who benefited from my pain. you punched me in the gut - did it with no remorse - so i stabbed you in the back and made sure the knife will go through your heart.

i planned it for weeks. planted seeds i could sow in due time. i made useful friends and played on everyone's ideals. i became someone noticeable so you won't forget me. i use and let myself be used... like some dark politician i swore i would never become.

then i let go when you bit the bait. i did it with so much grace and generosity, you wouldn't think the latter was conditional. ever wonder why i gave away the only thing that binds me to you? it's to shatter the illusion that you will get me back by playing to my guilt.

it's like hitting two birds with one stone. i got rid of everything that weighed me down and i saw my scheme - my "passion project" - came into fruition.

i tried to understand but all you did was take and take until i've got nothing left to give. so pardon me for not getting angry at the time, pardon me for doing my best to stay patient and "kind." you see, even i am also scared of what i'm capable of once i let the rage take over. i've ruined lives before and i've ruined yours now.

i loved you, i really did. that's why i'm suffering from the after-effects of catalysing revenge against the one person that my heart had truly yearned for.

but if i could go back, i would do it all again. you deserve the pain.

you see, you're not the only one who can teach people lessons.

i hope you still writhe in agony even if i'm no longer there to watch because my absence is the twist to the stab - your final punishment.

[coming-back-to-june]

The Reeling (01/18)

(12:00AM) you'll probably find someone that will make you want to become a better person and then you'll become just that - someone better. purged of the man who willfully destroyed me emotionally and mentally.

you'll become a better man for someone else while i will be left reeling for my old self. you'll make her feel the love that i yearned to feel while i try my best to wake up and fight for my life every single day.

it sucked. crying over that possibility. being "the one that got away," being made to feel that i don't deserve love (i know that i do, but my body is still struggling to accept that reality).

i wish i could undo the damage that you've done, bo. i wish i could go back to myself without purging myself of the qualities that make me unique, that make me feel alive.

i wish i could undo you.

—

(12:25AM) i remember taking a long walk at 2AM to calm myself down. it was after you left. i hadn't eaten the whole day and i just willed myself to get out of my bed and buy something to eat.

i was plagued with guilt and sadness for what happened. i couldn't cry back then so i tried to distract myself by taking a few trips to 7/11 or the grocery.

you were probably sleeping soundly back then while i was reeling for what could have been. just like how you're probably sleeping peacefully right now while i'm crying myself to our potential.

"i'd like to be my old self again but i'm still trying to find it." you robbed me of my old self and i hate that i can't fully blame you for it because deep inside, i know that i'm complicit for what happened. i gave you the chance to get under my skin.

while i am grappling for some semblance of normalcy, you're probably receiving support from our community because you framed it that way, bo. you were the one who left to teach me a lesson and the one who got left after i finally learned it.

you made people think that you loved me, but you never made me feel that i'm loved.

—

(12:40AM) truthfully, i'm still having fantasies of you finding me - of you defying the impossible and tracking me despite the distance and the scarcity of information that i left you of me.

but it's all just that: a made-up scenario. a make-believe.

because in our reality, you are not that kind of person. you would give up before you could even try because what's the point, right? you're a coward. you don't try when the odds aren't in your favour.

and despite wanting so much to initiate connection, i'm too afraid to let you in my life. don't get me wrong, i'm no coward but i couldn't freely let you in because that would mean betraying myself. you made me feel worthless. stupid for trying. that's what happened, bo. i initiated communication but you declined it until i no longer feel the need or the want to talk it out.

i wish i could've talked it out with you like a normal functioning adult, but you never gave me the chance to.

and so, i'll try my best to bury these fantasies away.

—

(01:09AM) someday, it will hurt less. you will pass me by. finally, this too shall pass.

[coming-back-to-june]

Whatever the stars may say, only one thing is certain and real: our connection is over and the leftover emotions will one day run its course.

[coming-back-to-june]

12:31; my revenge

one second. it took me exactly one second to realise that you will never deserve my love.

two months of reeling to forgive myself.

three words, all said in a mocking fashion, to shatter the illusion.

and one night to exact my revenge.

the way you mocked my love, i will never forget it. it was a mixture of affection and anger that led to the ultimate destruction of my kindness. "the love" that i once felt for you grew into a thorn that plagued my very existence.

so if you ever wonder why i never showed remorse upon leaving, it was because "the love" was already gone. you killed it along with the respect that i have for the camaraderie that we once shared.

you used my guilt to destroy my soul, but you failed to realise that anger is an effective tool to stoke the fire.

you thought i wasn't capable of hurting the people that i once loved no matter the pain, so i used your arrogance to light up the torch that's now burning you from within.

still, the ghost of that "love" wishes you well. it berates me at night for ruining you. notwithstanding the fact that you ruined me first. that "love" still believes in you.

but i'm keeping that "love" far from your reach and i will protect it with all that i got. for you don't deserve an ounce of affection or kindness, not when you think you're above someone just because they don't shy away from letting the world see their "love."

my last revenge is my manifestation for the universe to let you meet yourself in the person that you will love next, and for you to have the same kind of love that will wish that person all the good in the world despite the anger and pain.

i love you and i hope we never meet again,

A

[coming-back-to-june]

it always feels like when the clock strikes 12 on the 1st, all of you would be magically washed away;

honestly, all i'm looking forward to as of writing is the new year.

it feels symbolic. the way i can just leap to a different year and pretend that you didn't happen.

i want to leave you here in 2023 on that booth in that "restaurant," where i don't want to be caught waiting for the man who showed me how irrational and stupid i could be when it comes to love.

i used to think that i was smart - a lot wiser than people my age. but you showed me otherwise.

you showed me that i still have yet to solidify my foundations. that no matter how strong and resilient i think i am, an iron fist guised as a gentle nudge could still break my roots apart.

i'm both grateful and resentful for that realisation.

that experience was an avenue for change but it didn't come without blood. you bleed on me and it's killing me that i bleed on you, too. i broke my rules and went against my morals just to get back at you. i couldn't even blame my past self because that was all i knew at the time. that was the only way i could think of to survive.

that strong-willed woman you once met, that confident cute cat lady so witty, she could melt the ice. that smart girl from the big city with big visions, big determination and big future ahead of her - it'll take me a long time to bring her back.

now, all i'm left with is my pride and my rage to stride ruthlessly towards my goals. it all became a competition between the shell of my former glory and the ghost of you. a faithful devotion to never let you ruin what was left of me.

so, all i'm wishing for when the clock strikes 12 on the 1st is for you to magically go away. the way i "tragically" disappeared on the world when you thought that i was winning the game.

[coming-back-to-june]

12.28.2023

i don't pray but for the first time in a long time, i prayed for you today.

i prayed that you'll be safe. that you'll be strong enough to brave it through because i know - no matter how much you hurt me - that i hurt you, too.

i prayed for you to have the kind of people who would love and support you and who would tell you that "this too shall pass," because i just found out lately that i have mine. have always been.

i prayed for you to live a long and healthy life. for you to meet someone who would accept you through your ups and downs.

i prayed for you to heal so that when you meet someone someday who is willing to give her all, you will not bleed on her stride and leave her a shell of her former glory. then she wouldn't have to feel stomachaches at the mention of your name or anything that would remind her of you.

because you see, i may have the heart to give you that kind of love, but i'm not willing to sacrifice myself and everything that i built to heal someone who's not willing to face his own demons.

i may still have some empathy left, but i no longer have the energy to reflect some of your helpless projections.

i no longer want to be put into a pedestal only to become an emotional punching bag when your expectations don't meet my realities.

i have my life. i have my dreams. i have my future.

i may have felt some sort of connection, but i no longer see you fit into the equation.

so i pray for the two of us to heal and live a fulfilling life... separately.

[coming-back-to-june]

sabi nila mapagpalaya ang magmahal kaya naman papalayain na kita.

papalayain ko na rin ang sarili ko.

iiwan na kita sa taong ito.

#bo

[coming-back-to-june]

Emotionally healthy people are quitters ✨

Emotionally healthy people are quitters. They make choices that align with their well being. Quitting a relationship, partnership or job that makes you unhappy is a sign of self awareness. If someone stays in something bad for too long, it's not because they're strong, but because they're afraid or have low self esteem. Being emotionally healthy means having awareness, setting boundaries, and knowing when it's time to move on from situations that no longer serve you. It's about prioritizing your mental and emotional health over sticking with something that's causing you harm or making you unhappy.

Emotionally healthy people also tend to have good communication skills. They express their feelings and needs calmly, openly and honestly. They also look for guidance and enlightenment because they understand that seeking help is a sign of strength not weakness.

They make decisions out of self love rather than attachment or fear. When you prioritize loving yourself, you make choices that align with your happiness and growth, rather than staying in situations out of comfort or insecurity.

Recognizing when you have an unhealthy attachment or that your feelings may not be conducive to your well being is important. It allows you to take a step back, evaluate the situation objectively, and make choices that are in line with your best interests.

Sometimes holding on can lead to more pain and struggle than necessary. It's a sign of emotional maturity to recognize when a situation is no longer good for you and to have the strength to let it go.

Things that are genuinely right for you should not cause you harm or emotional pain. Choosing pain is a sign of a lack of self love. Recognizing the need for change, prioritizing self love, and making healthier choices is how you begin to change your life.

Reframe your mindset from “this is hurting me because I love it” to “this is hurting me because I do not love me.”

[coming-back-to-june]

i hate nights like this when a sudden wave of emptiness fills me from within. when i can't seem to stop myself from longing for your sweet embrace. so warm it seems real, it reduces my nightmares into a fever dream. when you made me feel loved that i thought it could fill the void from within. as if i wasn't a hollow of neglected emotions and blurred memories.

i hate nights like this when it feels like i'm continuously spiraling. paralysed by a sinking feeling that not even anti-depressants and psychotherapy could dealt with. crushed by phantom chains and growing pains from dreams i've forgotten in exchange for money and a way out.

but maybe i will spend the rest of my life feeling alone despite being surrounded by people who would hide the bullet from the gun when i'm about to pull the trigger.

[coming-back-to-june]

Hot take that needs to be said via antiwork

[coming-back-to-june]

maybe i could easily unwant you if you hadn't shown me what's it like...

to wake up slowly to your warm embrace

to the smell of sage and sea and your unblemished face

so innocent and pure, it puts angels to disgrace

far from the man with revolutionary ambitions and a knack for menace

an artist of tomorrow who can set the world ablaze

-

maybe i could easily unwant you if you didn't...

meet my eyes under the glaring spotlight

amid an upstaged crowd so tight

consisted of people who wants to make it right

of conversations about the evil far-right

who gave us scars so painful, it made us unite

-

maybe i could easily unwant you if we weren't...

wounded by the bygones

who pulled the trigger to the gun

that killed our ideals — our dreams under the sun

you would't lust for wander and run

without farewell, you're gone

-

but i could never unwant you, your memories will forever be etched...

in the planes and crevices of my body

your name in my lips as i yearn for somebody

in the darkest of the nights, under the billowing surge

when it was so cold, it heightened my urge —

my twisted intentions to re-create you

on the mind and body of anyone who could take away the blue