comedysketches

[comedysketches]

#Stephen fry #hugh laurie #a bit of fry and laurie

[comedysketches]

#a bit of fry and laurie #Stephen fry #hugh laurie

[comedysketches]

#Hugh laurie #stephen fry #a bit of fry and laurie

[comedysketches]

#stephen fry #a bit of fry and laurie #hugh laurie

[comedysketches]

#a bit of fry and laurie #hugh laurie #stephen fry

[comedysketches]

#Stephen fry #hugh laurie #a bit of fry and laurie

[comedysketches]

#Stephen fry #A bit of fry and laurie #hugh laurie

[comedysketches]

Lieutenant George

George: ‘I’m absolutely top-hole, sir, with an ying and yang and yippiedeedoo.’

Blackadder (to Baldrick): ‘If you were to serve up one of your meals in Staff HQ, you would be arrested for the greatest mass poisoning since Lucretia Borgia invited 500 of her close friends round for a wine and anthrax party

George on education: When I was at school, education could go hang. As long as a boy could hit a six, sing the school song very loud and take hot crumpet from behind without blubbing.

George: ‘I’m thick. I’m as thick as the big print version of the Complete Works of Charles Dickens.’

#Blackadder #blackadder goes forth #Lieutenant George #Hugh laurie

[comedysketches]

Darling: “Are you sure about this sir?”

Melchett: “Certainly, you should hear the noise she makes when she eats a boiled egg, Ill be glad to get her out of the house.”

#Blackadder #blackadder goes forth #stephen fry

[comedysketches]

Blackadder goes fourth

Melchett: Are we all ready to give those French a good licking?

Darling: It’s the Germans we’ll be licking, sir.

Melchett: Don’t be ridiculous, Darling. I wouldn’t lick a German if he were glazed in honey!

#Blackadder #stephen fry #blackadder goes forth

[comedysketches]

Hugh's Brain - A bit of fry and Laurie

Enter Stephen, holding a human brain

Stephen: Ladies and gentlemen, I wonder how many of you know what this is? Well most of you will know that it's a brain, a human brain, but can you guess whose brain it is? I should tell you first of all that for some time I've enjoyed a bit of a reputation as a practical joker, you see, and what I've done is this. While Hugh was asleep in his dressing room, I crept in and very carefully removed his brain, being sure not to wake him up. This is Hugh's brain. He'll be coming on in a second, let's see if he's noticed anything's amiss ...

Enter Hugh, laughing cheerfully

Hugh: Hahahaha.

Stephen: Hello, Hugh. What have you been up to?

Hugh: I've just been watching that Noel Edmonds show, it's so funny. Just brilliant. Completely brilliant.

Stephen: Ha. Are you feeling alright?

Hugh: Yeah, fine, fine.

Stephen: Good.

Hugh: And then I saw a bit of an interview with Kenneth Baker. That man is fantastic.

Stephen:

Do you think so?

Hugh: Oh, he's wonderful. He's just what this country needs. He's firm, courageous, and his views on education are so enlightened, so sophisticated, so utterly enthralling. Well, he's an enthralling person, of course.

Stephen: (To audience) It's great, isn't it? We can see the difference, but poor old Hugh hasn't noticed a thing.

(To Hugh)

D'you recognise this?

Hugh: It's a cauliflower.

Stephen: Hahaha. A cauliflower. Hasn't he been a sport, ladies and gentlemen? So what are you going to do now?

Hugh: I thought I'd write a letter to "Points of View".

Stephen: Dear oh dear oh dear. Perhaps I've gone a bit far.

#comedy sketch #a bit of fry and laurie #stephen fry #Hugh Laurie #British

[comedysketches]

Christening - A bit of fry and Laurie

Stephen: I baptise thee Rupert Jeremy James -

Hugh: No, hold on a minute.

Stephen: What is it?

Hugh: You're right darling, Nicholas is better. Nicholas Thomas Geoffrey

Stephen: Nicholas Thomas Geoffrey

Deborah: You can't have Nicholas Thomas: that's a very ugly rhyme

Hugh: You're right. What was the other one we liked?

Deborah: Timothy Nicholas Peter

Hugh: No, Nicholas Timothy Peter.

Stephen: (Dipping finger in water) OK. Nicholas Timothy Peter?

Deborah: Yes

Hugh: It's a shame to lose Jeremy though, isn't it?

Deborah: I still like Duncan.

Hugh: Duncan Jeremy Nicholas or Nicholas Jeremy Duncan?

Stephen: Look. I have got a wedding in ten minutes

Hugh: You're being paid aren't you?

Stephen: (Puzzled) No ...

Hugh: Nick's idea was Peregrine

Deborah: Oh darling, you can't call a baby Peregrine.

Stephen: So, Peregrine Jeremy Duncan ...

Deborah: I know it sounds silly but I've always loved Dick.

Stephen: Erm ...

Hugh: Now Dirk's due for a revival.

Deborah: Duncan Dirk Dick.

Hugh: Rather fetching.

Stephen: Duncan Dirk Dick, I baptise thee in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost, Amen. We receive this child into the congregation of Christ's flock and so sign him with the sign of the cross (Signs with finger on forehead) and in token that hereafter he shall not be ashamed to confess the faith of Christ crucified and manfully to fight under his banner against sin, the world and the devil, and to continue Christ's faithful soldier and servant unto his life's end. Amen.

Hugh: No it's still not right...I don't know... hold on, what about Tweeble?

Deborah: Oh darling...

Hugh: Well it's our nickname for the little blighter anyway, so why not?

Deborah: Tweeble Timothy James, I like it.

Hugh: Yeah, Tweeble Timothy James.

Stephen: I'm sorry, it's Duncan Dirk Dick, I've just done it.

Hugh: Well, undo it.

Stephen: Undo it?

Hugh: Yes.

Stephen: This is a Holy Sacrament of the Church, not a bleeding hotel reservation, you can't just undo it.

Hugh: You're beginning to annoy me, buster. Look at this card. (Holds up white card) What does it say?

Stephen: "Christening service".

Hugh: Yes. Service, notice - not rudeness. It doesn't say "Christening rudeness".

Stephen: I wasn't being rude.

Hugh: Just bear in mind that there are plenty of other religions you know. Some of them, I may say, offering much greater range and value.

Deborah: Not to mention carpets. Look at this.

Hugh: So come on. Hand him over.

Stephen: What?

Hugh: Hand him over. We'll take a look at the Mosque on Arlington Road, if it's all the same to you.

Stephen: But I haven't finished the service!

Hugh: The rudeness, you mean? Well you should have thought of that before.

Stephen: Look, you can't just walk out half way through.Think of the child!

Hugh: Screw the child. Haven't you heard the news?

Stephen: Well I've heard some news, but I doubt if it's the same news that you're ...

Hugh: There's a revolution going on. Enterprise,initiative. Those who can't trim their fat go to the wall.

Stephen: What wall?

Hugh: What wa ... ? You just don't know what I'm talking about do you? I'm talking about the way you're running this flea-bitten, one-horse operation. Take this building. All this equity tied up for what? A couple of weddings a week. Pathetic. God, I'd like to get my hands on this place. I could really do something. Shopping arcade, four luxury flats, brasserie downstairs. It's a criminal waste

Stephen: (Getting annoyed, puts baby in font to use both hands no speak - no one notices) Look, matey, this is a church, not a dealing room. I am not interested in your creepy theories about enterprise and initiative. This place is founded on ideas a bit more permanent than the Dow Jones Index.

Hugh: Yeah?

Stephen: Yeah. Something a tadge classier than "buy long, sell short and get into gilts".

Hugh: Uhuh?

Stephen: The Church will be here long after your little brat has grown up, ripped a few people off and died unloved in his Spanish retirement villa.

Deborah: Portuguese, actually. And there's no need to be so beastly.

Stephen: Well I'm sorry, but people like you really piss me off.

Hugh: You've got a big mouth, mister. So what's your pitch, your scam, your angle?

Stephen: Well look at you. You fight and deal and cheat all your life to get enough money to spend a few years wobbling your fat old bodies round a beach or a golf course, but what provision have you made for after your retirement?

Hugh: After my retirement?

Stephen: I'm talking about heaven.

Hugh: Heaven? Isn't that where the Gilroys went,darling?

Deborah: Devon.

Hugh: Oh yeah.

Stephen: After a hard life, don't you think you ought to treat yourself to a little long-term security? I'm talking about lifestyle, status, comfort, and peace-of-mind.

Deborah: (Nudging Hugh) Don't trust him, Pudding.

Hugh: Give me space, give me space.

Stephen: She's right, think about it, Pudding. Think about it. Talk to your independent spiritual adviser.

Hugh: Hmm. He may have something.

Stephen: And if you won't treat yourself, have a thought for Duncan Dirk Dick. Give him a chance to get in on the ground floor.

Hugh: Darling, and no disrespect to you, Vicar, but what I'm thinking is this. How about a mixed portfolio, whereby we spread him through Judaism, Islam, Hindu and so on, maintaining a firm base in the Church of England?

Deborah: It does sound safer.

Hugh: Exactly.

Stephen: Alright. So. Duncan Dirk Dick, I baptise thee in ...

Deborah: Well then it ought to be something like Duncan Isaac Sanji.

(hugh Line that I forgot)

Deborah: Oh how about Duncan Abraham Naresh?

Stephen: Right. Do it yourselves. There's the water, there's the hymn book. I'm off for a slash

#comedy sketch #Comedy #A bit of fry and Laurie #Stephen fry #Hugh laurie

[comedysketches]

Dirty Names - Rowan Atkinson

Come on, settle down please. Answer your names. Anus. Arsebandit. Bottom. Clitoris. Where are you, Clitoris? Dodo. Enema. Fistup. Come on, grow up please. Genital. I'm sorry, Genital. Herpes. Still with us I see. Imadick. Imadick! Enema, you know Imadick don't you?

Jaculation. Myprick. Has anybody seen Myprick? Come on! Somebody must have seen Myprick! Very well. Remind me to beat Myprick a bit later. Nicenquick. Ontop. Pube. Ahhh, Myprick! So nice of you to turn up. Yes. Well now that you are here Myprick, perhaps you'd like to find a seat. Bottom, squeeze Myprick in there somewhere will you?

Rigid. Our Russian exchange student, Suckmeof. Tightfit. Upyoursh. Vulva. Yourprick. And Zipper. Zipper? Absent.

Now boys, the headmaster has asked me to speak to you this morning on the subject of smut. All mmbers of staff have noticed an alarming increase of the use of silly humour and purile inuendo about the school. Rigid, Fistup, Bottom, Out!

There have been some disgusting doodlings on the walls of the lavatories. Sit up straight Ontop. One or two unpleasant health magazines have been found. If you fall asleep Ontop, I shall be VERY annoyed. And Mr Hardon tells me that there has been a great deal of sniggerin in his biology class. Tightfit, for heaven's sake, leave Yourprick alone! I don't care, Yourprick had no business poking into your desk in the first place.

I will not put up with this kind of behaviour boys, and neither, must I warn you will Mr. Gripbighardcock. This is a school for the sons of gentlemen, and the theory is that someday you will become a gentleman too. That is with the exception of Genital, who appears to be turning into a ferrett. So there will be an end to this second form toilet humour where so much conversation is devoted to smutty double entendre. Dodo Suckmeof Nicenquick, detention Saturday. Right, I'm going to the staff room now, and when I come back, if I catch Herpes in the corridor like the headmaster did yesterday, then there'll be trouble!

#rowan atkinson #Comedy Sketches #British #Comedy

[comedysketches]

Devil sketch - Rowan Atkinson

Ah hello! It's nice to see you all here. As the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now, this is Hell, and I am the Devil, good evening, but you can call me Toby, if you like. We try to keep things informal here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke of mine. I tell it every time.

Now, you're all here for..... Eternity! Ooh, which I hardly need tell you is a heck of a long time, so you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the end.

But for now I'm going to have to split you up in groups.

Will You Stop Screaming!

Thank you.

Now, murderers? Murderers over here, please, thank you. Looters and Pillagers over there. Thieves, if you could join them, and Lawyers, you're in that lot too.

Fornicators - if you could step forward? My God, there are a lot of you! Could I split you up into Adulterers and the rest? Male adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small Guillotine in the corner.

Em... The French, are you here? If you would just like to come down here with the Germans. I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.

Okay, atheists? Atheists over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of Nitwits. Never mind.

And finally, Christians. Christians? Ah, yes, I'm sorry but I'm afraid the Jews were right. If you would come down here, that would be really fine.

Okay! Right, well are there any questions? Yes. No, I'm afraid there aren't any toilets. If you read your Bible, you might have seen that it was damnation without relief, so if you did not go before you came, then I'm afraid you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then I believe that's the idea.

Okay. Well, it's over to you, Adolf! And I'll catch you all later at the barbecue. Bye!

#Comedy #comedy sketch #Rowan Atkinson #British