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cloud-mails · 3 years

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February 16, 2021

Dear Friend,

Woah! its been 4 years!

So sorry for not writing for so long, I am also sorry I write to you only when things get bad. But I think that’s the only time I can write my feelings out because I have no other place to pour my emotions. It’s 00:08 am here and I don’t know if I strong enough to write it all out. I usually sleep it away but today I just think everything overwhelms me, my chest has been feeling really tight and in pain recently, and this is self diagnosed, but I think I might have anxiety?

So i think to sum up from 2017, I’ve changed workplace three times, and from the first one to the second one, and onto the last one, personally, i think everything went downhill. Well they’re not all bad. I got raise in salary bit by bit from moving here and there, last workplace I went through also has some benefits I never got before, but well just last Friday I got cut so suddenly by the boss. It got me real bad, and my friendship relationship with this one person also don’t really help with my anxiety I guess? Though she really helped me got through life, but now I just think all the thing I’m doing is wrong in her eyes. Well maybe occasionally it’s not.

We got close in late 2020 I think? When all these pandemic starts. We started as a mutual from a friend we both know. But since she was into K-pop, though the group we like is different, I didn’t remember exactly how, but we got close? I really like talking with her, it’s fun, she’s also a really good listener. I kind of forget what were the problems I told her back then, but I think she know about my life and work problems pretty well (I was on my second workplace, she didn’t work in a workplace). We talked everyday? almost everyday? I think it was everyday. And from my past experiences I know I can get attached pretty easily, I think. Stupid me.

So well, since we chatted everyday, one day she went MIA. though I saw her tweet? or did I saw her friend’s tweet (who she introduced to me) which had a screenshot of their chat at dawn, but then when I chatted her in the morning, she didn’t respond. I was worried, I really am. I asked her friends who I know, but they also didn’t know. Man, I just, don’t know it kind of made me, anxious. Either I am afraid that she left (in a bad way), or maybe I am afraid that I did some mistake that make her hate me and need a break, or worst, leave?. I don’t know, but when she replied later in the evening I was relieved. She said she usually did that and I was the first person ever in her life to ask if she’s okay and tried to find her. Then we talked like usual, at this point we were talking about a tennis fandom, and does imagine prompts a lot. We even made OCs.

And from there I think our friendship progressed? Like we tell each other our bad parts, secrets here and there (which now I kind of regret, I opened so much, so much it hurts), reasons why did she do that, and so many personal things which made us close friends. It actually made me feel really nice to have a friend to talk anything with, I personally think I am an annoying individual when I got attached or clingy to someone, so when there is a person who actually responded to any of my chit chats is really, nice.

But then I think everything starts changing when she admitted she got jealous and petty really easily. In my point of view, being jealous and petty over a friendship is normal? I mean I too got jealous and petty when my friend I consider close is close with their another friend? But I also do know that their friend is not only me and I have to deal with that, as long as they still consider me as a friend, I think I’ll be okay with that, I’ll deal with those negative feeling. However, I think she has a different thoughts in that. She takes everything to the extreme point, in my opinion. She told me that she has fight or flight response, and also inferiority complex. And all these time she had chosen flight response, and first time with me I think she chose to fight. I believe what she said, so okay.

At first she said she got jealous and petty over my liking through this K-pop group I like, because she never been able to like something that sincere and with so much passion (which personally I think I like that group in okay amount but well, probably I am a hard stan too, who knows) Then okay, to help her get over it I tried to lessen my interaction amount in that account, but then things get worse I forgot how and why. But slowly she hates that I will go back there and have friends who’s closer than her with me and I leave her and such. She hates my mutual I made there, I also think she hates if I talk about any of my friends to her, but this is my own thinking. I slowly start to filter my chats to her, mostly about fandoms and things I like because I’m really afraid to trigger her and lose her and what nots. (Oh! she also doesn’t like to be followed, so in truth when I got into that tennis fandom liking, she actually felt like I took her safe space)

Even so, I think I also made a mistake when I told stories about work to her, which when she made suggestions on what thing that I should’ve been doing with my last office, I probably went to my blank mode and didn’t realize that she were talking about it, but when my working friends told me I was like “oh” (which of course remembering firstly that this friend had told me the same thing). But then she also thinks that I didn’t take her suggestion to my consideration and that’s probably because she thought I thought that “since she’s not working her opinion or suggestion doesn’t matter” and well, that can be that way, and I admit my mistake for being an airhead. But anything I said to her like “no, I did also consider your suggestion” or “I just thought you were saying in general” and such doesn’t even matter anymore because that’s what she believe. so then I avoid talking about work matters too, but then I went stupid again and yesterday I did the same kind of mistake. Haha. Now she’s mad at me again.

It’s not the first time she ignores my chat, or suddenly block me, and such things, but honestly it’s getting into me i think? Right now I’m having chest pain but I really don’t want to tell anyone. I wish I die. I don’t want to think and I don’t want to console people because I am really bad at it, and I also don’t want to hurt people. I think today she blocked my messenger chats, because I can’t see her profile or send her message there (which actually the platform we use everyday). Emotions I feel? I think I am sad. She can do all these things freely but when I do one I would think she will say “you said you never leave your friends” and thats actually true, but sometimes.... it got tiring, I want to leave too. If I can’t leave temporarily, maybe it’s better to leave permanently. Nobody will search for me either.

Sometimes I think I know that these kind of habit is not healthy or maybe normal people or friends wouldn’t act like this, but I can’t shake the feeling to be kind to her. I just think she also needs a friend, and I want to be a good friend. I also think she needs help, and though I can’t do much, I can’t change her, I’d like to help. But so far I think I made 0 progress and failing hard. I also feel like she helped through my super down moment of my life, which I kind of did stupid self-harm, but I wasn’t brave enough to do a big one... But hey, I really wished life ended back then in 2020, but I think she helped me went through it by talking frequently with me, and I really enjoyed her company. It’s been a while though and now these repetitive PMS cycle or her blasts of emotions really makes me sad most of the time and I am not functional. I really felt bad I hurt her feelings, but also at the same time I think I can’t stop my time and has to do work, but I can’t? I don’t want her to think I don’t want to be her friend anymore. But it’s hard, it’s hard to keep running and try to catch when she easily shuts herself like that, though until now I’m still giving a shot. Sometimes I think, maybe I am is not that good of a friend, why do I have this feeling of giving up and letting go so easily?. But man, the feeling is just there. But then again I don’t want her to think bad about herself. Because what she feels are actually normal in my view, but the problem is she takes them to the extreme measures every time things happen.

And I can’t say I am tired to her because that would trigger her too, I think. Lately I really don’t know what to do or say to her. For real. Everything that I do seems... wrong... seems like it’s a mistake. I don’t know man. I want this friendship to last long, since also we have this project together, which I like too, but if it’s keep on going like this, how would I put my entire trust on it? I am also currently having a hard time to like something. I feel it’s a wrong thing to like something so much. I can’t draw any fanarts, and I can’t really think that my drawing is good either. I hate myself. I’m taking hiatus from twitter and was thinking about getting back slowly, but now I am afraid. I’m afraid with many things. I wish I don’t exist. I am a mistake, my existence is a mistake. I can’t please anyone I know but why the fuck I do this to myself. I hate it I hate it I hate it. The fact that I got cut from my job didn’t help. I am a useless trash. I can’t make change or change anything, I can’t help anyone or anything, not even my own family and friends, and so why do I still live? I don’t make people happy with my existence, I don’t make many earnings to fulfil my own happiness and probably my family’s, so why do I still live? What plans do you have...... I’m tired. I’m scared of death and what happens next and I will probably be tired too sigh. I just don’t want to exist. I don’t want my soul to be awaken and live. I don’t want to be “aware” of living and dying concept. But that already happens. I hate that. I want to die, well, that’s probably wrong, maybe not die but I want to. not exist.

I hate myself so much I hope I die soon. I don’t know about this anxiety chest pain, but I don’t think it can cause death. But living seems like all these flashback to the time I push myself really hard to live like when I was in junior high school. I don’t want tomorrow to happen but I sometimes also want the problems to be resolved on its own. I don’t understand myself. I wanna die.

Sorry for the long story and rants for today. I probably will be active sending letters again since I don’t have any outlets to channel my emotions.

Sorry.

Love always,

The Bear or Cloud

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cloud-mails · 7 years

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January 28, 2017

Dear Friend,

Today is the Chinese New Year Day. Which is one from all the celebrations I really love. Because on this day, family gathers together, we get angpaos, and I just love the live atmosphere.

But today was different. I was kind of sad because it’s not how the celebration I hoped. Maybe I had too much expectation, because I think this CNY, I put so much effort to my appearance and stuff. I also had this final project for uni, which has Lunar New Year as its theme, so I really researched and was really excited for this Chinese New Year. But no, sadly it wasn’t like what I was expecting. I went to my “true” grandma’s house, which supposedly full of crowds (and today I went like 12pm, which is past the time I usually come the other years), and found only like 2 families were there, the others haven’t even came. As much as I want hong baos, this year truthfully I really hoped for the togetherness of a family vibe, and I didn’t get it. I’m really really... sad... Yeah my “true” grandma who I called Ema, died last year because of age. But I thought even though she’s gone, her descendants would take this tradition seriously and still gather in this precious day. And by this I began thinking, what if my grandma (which I known her as my grandma since I was a child, and called her Ama) passed away. I became even sadder, and I feel like crying. I’m not that close with my cousins, but I still think a family should be one. Maybe this is what romanticism is, I have my idealism about family. But after today, I just thought maybe someday I will be alone and all I’ll have for Chinese New Year would be only my brothers. (I cried while writing this, I didn’t plan to write about this but I think I should, before I forget)

Also I thought about my Chinese bloodline. My now only left grandmother will be the last one from the eldest line (father’s side). I love to have conversation with her, but she’s having trouble with her hearing so it’s really hard to keep up a conversation with her. I’d love to practice my mandarin with her, but then again there’s the hearing problems. I thought about what if she’s gone, what would I be with my bloodline? there won’t be any use of it since I can’t even speak or understand a tradition so well. For your information, I should be able to speak Hokkian and Hakka (both a Chinese language Dialect) but I can’t. I’m a mess. I feel really worthless. I can’t even treasure my family history and ability. I wish for confidence in speaking mandarin with my grandma this year, because I get too shy to have wrong pronounciation. Friend, I am really really really sad right now. I don’t want my grandma to go, but I know someday it will happen, and I just can stand there and stare. I cried, I shouldn’t be crying.

Maybe I am conventional, but I really think this kind of tradition should continue even after I am gone. Because this thing would be something that bring a togetherness in a family, in addition technology is getting advanced and people tend to forget what’s happening around them. Maybe without realizing this thing was bugging me since I don’t know when, and so I made my final project about this problem.

I really hope the tradition won’t lost as time goes by. I really do. And I wish my grandmother to have a long life and stay healthy.

I became so emotional today. All because no Ema in this celebration. Maybe from now on, Chinese New Year will be so different and I need to move on, and get along with it. But my heart keeps saying no, and tears keep falling down.

Also today I remind myself that “I accept that I won’t be as famous as the other artists, and I have my own path” because I get depressive feeling about myself, and looking down at myself. (Mostly because I saw Korean artist, or you can say Kpop Idols)

Please if you can remind me this thing, please, please remind me.

How I wish I could do this tradition better last year. And the other years with my Ema around. And how I wish I could talk my mother’s and father’s tongue language. How I wish I learnt mandarin seriously. And how I wish I known better about my grandfather (Akong) and grandmother (Ama), I know really small bits of their life. How I wish I know how to do this tradition properly. How I wish I was that close to my families.

And now I should admit, I regret it. Although there’s a saying don’t regret anything that has been done, and I try to keep this in mind every single time I start to regret something.

But this time, I don’t think I can.

I regret them all. I really do.

Love always,

The Bear or Cloud.

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cloud-mails · 8 years

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September 14, 2016

Dear Friend,

Today is the day when I found out my mom’s crying again.

I asked her why, but she didn’t want to give any answer.

I’m confused about what to do, and also feeling very useless. Maybe she thinks sharing her problems will make me stresser (is this the right word?) but actually sharing or not, I’m already stressed.

I’m just hoping it’s not what I thought it is.

Sorry it’s late and I’m sleepy, but I need to vent this feelings out.

Love always,

The Bear or Cloud

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cloud-mails · 8 years

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23 April, 2016

Dear Friend,

It’s been a year since I wrote to you.

University has been rough, but I still managed.

Now I’m on an internship, in a different city from my home, although right now I’m on my very own bed.

I go home sometimes once every 2 weeks, but lately I’ve been lazier because it is costly and also tiring.

Internship isn’t so bad either. Despite being alone, people there are somehow friendly, but not friendly enough. They don’t offer me stuffs and just let me take it if I want. BUT, being a shy person I am (or mostly having an uncomfortable feeling) I mostly don’t take anything. I also learn new things, and travelled some places with local transportation there. Living alone isn’t that bad, but I must say I do have new friend there, name’s Niar, and she’s from another country too, working in a game studio near my studio.

We traveled and ate dinner mostly together, since last week I’ve been coming back and forth to her room to watch dramas on her laptop. she’s fun to be with, although she’s kinda clingy. Well, that balanced my ignorant kind like personality, I guess.

Yesterday also I met a girl on the travel. Found out she’s at the same age with me and taking architecture in one university there. She knew some of my high school friends who went there. And then she also knows about Adi.

Maybe I have this feelings of missing having a friend which is not a girl but I can talk comfortably to. I kinda want to talk to him again, but I don’t have the courage. Well, I don’t think we will talk later or sooner in the future, like the boy I liked since elementary school. And after years passed, we will eventually forget each other and went on with our lives.

This is supposed to be a quick letter telling that I’m doing an internship in a different country right now, but now I’m telling you things that are somehow related but not really.

At least you know that I’m doing good, but I need a friend. Internship wouldn’t be so boring and stiff if I have a friend in the same boat with me. And I don’t even have my workplace seniors’ contacts to begin with. They don’t ask me for mine, and I’m too reluctant to add/ask one.

I should train my confidence and get rid of this feeling.

Love always, The Bear or Cloud.

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cloud-mails · 9 years

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May 8, 2015

Dear Friend,

Today was awesome!

I got to met one of the Marvel comic artist named Harvey Tolibao. Not in my university though, but I thought I won’t miss the chance to meet one of the Marvel artist. And it turned out really good.

He’s funny and friendly, and of course, has amazing talents. I went to the seminar, and also workshop. It’s inspiring. Keep drawing no matter what. Although I must say I am feeling like “I am not talented enough, can I be like him” there’s this thing in me that keeps me to watch the entire show, and in the end, I feel that thing, but also inspiration. He keeps making jokes and I like how he pronounces some English words. It’s funny and has characteristic, like how he always say ‘Oh God’

He draws very good, and detailed, and fast. I’m trying to find out styles, and here I am confused. He said “focus to one artist”, and maybe starting now, I should start digging artist and find out how they draw. Maybe I’m changing my way too often in drawing, but one thing for sure, I think I don’t want to go back to anime style. Either it is cartoon, or be it DC/Marvel style.

Thank Buddha, God, or anyone I can meet him and hear his experience. It will be a great experience I’ve had. ALSO, he did a free speed drawing for me, and the others as well if we have paper. I asked him to draw Black Widow and he said “Oh God, why so difficult” but keeps drawing and laughing. Actually I must say it’s really messy one but still cool. He drew the first one queued really smooth and tidy, and on a big paper, and mine is only A5 size. But I’m still grateful.

I think this will be another unforgettable moment, because I... i actually never seen (in real life) artist who will draw for free. And I think he’s teaching us to do what we like in the fun way, but also don’t be too tight. Be generous sometimes. He even shake my hand!

I want to tell you things but I am so glad today and I am confused what to write anymore.

Love always,

The Bear or The Cloud.

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cloud-mails · 9 years

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April 16, 2015

Dear Friend,

Long time no talk.

I’ve tried keeping my days in a book but my hectic days don’t let me. I forget the last day i wrote in that book.

Today I want to tell you about this one “best”friend of mine, I used to told you a lot, I guess? She and I are trying to start a business about web design. It’s not that I am not happy about it, but my assignments are that much and now, its 85% group assignment. But I don’t think she understand because she keeps saying “me too” when I say I have assignments.

Also honestly I’m getting tired of her ‘leader’ like attitude. I mean it’s good for her to talk more now, but sometimes she’s just too demanding, and thinks hers are the best, in my sight. Maybe I am that weak girl craving for sleep, but then again I really need more sleep.

It’s just... I’m starting to think that she... can’t work in a group... Like, if she keeps doing like that... I want to tell her this but then again I think she will say something like, chasing you dream means you can’t think about another people who are in you way, or something like that since she likes watching motivational videos so much (for business stuff). And she keeps demanding me to read marketing books although I don’t really like reading books that I have no interest in.

I’m pretty pissed and confused how to tell her this. Maybe never, but surely I’m pissed. I’m being a bad friend here. And also, I don’t think she understands my major, or appreciate my major. I... don’t know. I’m not sure.

Maybe this is all just my feeling.

Love always,

The Bear or Cloud.

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cloud-mails · 9 years

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February 1, 2015

Dear Friend,

Yesterday I watched The Imitation Game, honestly I was interested in that film because there is Benedict Cumberbatch, but then when I finished watching, I really love the film.

I appreciate how genius people sometimes don't work for fame or money, but just because they are really really interested in the project. I wish I can be someone like that, the 'not normal' person, but here I am the normal and oblivious individual.

I said to you I gave up trying to get fame, but you see, I'm still... still trying. I don't know why although it keeps make me sad and feeling depressed.

I keep saying I should've died, but you see, I can't commit suicide. I'm too coward, and I find the words in 'Paper Towns' by John Green somehow true.

And this song I love, 'If I Die Young' has the line 'funny when you're dead how people start to listen...' , I found, that is a truth. And I believe so much in that line.

Not that people will suddenly notice my presence, or getting me famous, but I think, I just think, my friends and my family would miss me and then they.. I don't know, feel that I was precious? I know maybe that won't happen though, it's just a silly thought, but yeah, everyone has imagination.

I will start writing a diary again, I think. And this time with good English and stuff, just maybe because I watched old film, and I love the old ways. That movie inspired me, I guess.

I don't know. I just want to change myself into the better one, but maybe i don't want. I want to make something good maybe not for other people in this short time, but long time. But I also want to make something good, for myself, ofcourse.

Call me selfish. But that's me. I also think about my family too, though.

Love Always,

The Bear or Cloud.

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cloud-mails · 9 years

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November 30, 2014

Dear Friend,

This one friend made me think so much about money.

The one I said studying in America.

I'm not saying that she's wrong thinking about money, because everyone does.

But how she thinks that "I'm an adult therefore I can't play anymore and should really really focus on earning money" hurts me.

I'm 19 this year, and I still love toys and I still love playing, and reading fiction books. While she now, reads motivational books and financial books.

This is what different in us. She's like this super serious woman, while I'm the childish girl. I'm afraid, someday she would leave me and she won't accept me as a friend anymore.

She keeps talking about stocks and how she wants to retire in young age. And she despise school, also she doesn't want to work. She hates school and working for another people. She wants to open business.

I'm afraid, because I'm not that planned for my future, she will think me as a annoyance to her. I don't know that she will 'unfriend' me or not, but I'm just afraid. We won't be 'best'friend anymore. (although I'm still not sure about bestfriends I don't really think it's real)

She's like super serious now, and while I'm still buying fiction books and watch cartoons. I'm just thinking doing what I like, and hoping I can earn money for my mum. And I wish I could open a business myself, but I need to earn money by myself first.

I don't know, I'm just super afraid she might leave me. Or hates me.

Love always,

The Bear or Cloud

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cloud-mails · 9 years

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November 23, 2014

Dear Friend,

So lately, my friend who is now living in America said that she wants to open a business and starts talking non-stop about business. Not that I don't like her being so passionate about opening a business, but I somehow feel that she is looking down at people who work.

I mean, I study animation. I know I want to be an animator who works in a group in a great studio. Yeah, I'd love to make my own studio, but don't you think before we make something, we need to learn about it first. Maybe it's my thinking that I need to work first to get knowledge about something then I'm going to make my own something.

She learned stocks from those books about successful broker (?). And she wants to do stocks. I... i know stocks make you rich, but... ah maybe this is me being the coward one. I want to make money, you know. Not for me but for my parents.

I'm afraid I would be a failure for them, that I only work and earn enough money just for myself, not for them. I don't want to burden them any further, and this is why I joined my circle to sell my artworks. Not really works, I tell you, since I have so many leftovers. But I still think it's a good start. Although, since my friend keeps telling me that she does not want to work because she doesn't think work is 'awesome', I keep thinking to myself, 'Am I really going to make money for my family?'

And I also afraid she looks down on me. I'm afraid she will be that someone whose pride is so high and looks down on another people. Maybe it's me who demands people so much, but I don't think I like those kind of people.

What's wrong with working with people? Don't look down on them. See, if you want to be a boss, you need people work for you. And if every people think about being a boss and try to open a business themselves, I don't think there would be a company.

I don't know if she's being focused in being rich (which is money-centered) or teaching people???? I don't know. I hope the best for her and wish she won't be that arrogant person.

Still, I AM, money-centered person, and I'm worried about my future. I really am. Will I earn enough money. Will my parents be proud of me.

Will I, make them happy and giving them all they need.

Like, they've given me all I wanted, maybe not all, but what I wanted. From books and toys and such.

I feel like a loser.

Love always,

The Bear or Cloud

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cloud-mails · 10 years

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September 14, 2014

Dear Friend,

It's past midnight here.

Today I drew something (fan art), and need help from people to give me corrections about the anatomy, and other things if they would like too.

As a shy person, I don't post in on the facebook, I posted it at social networking media where my real-life friends do not usually use it anymore. Or my new social networking media I've made. And I, didn't get any response.

Yeah, of course I knew this was coming. What can you hope from others when you alone are not even recognized by people. But it still, kinda hurts. Maybe it's because my ambition to be popular among people or something, and because I know I am not, it hits me back.

Stupid of me. So, today (yesterday) I realized that I think I've tried enough, (maybe, for me). And people seems don't care either, I guess. So, I'm done trying.

I'm done trying.

I give up my ambition to be famous.

But I will still post my work where I feel like posting it. But I won't hope much. I would really really appreciate (and super happy) for the people who responded to what I posted, but not giving much wish it would be responded (from many people).

I still hope there are people who appreciate new artist and an amateur like me, the one who seek improvement and critics.

I might be unresponsive, but I try my best to respond to something.

What do you think about my new thought?

Is it good? or is it bad?

Truth is, it will be hard for me, to stop hoping. But too much hope crush you, don't you think?

Love always,

The Bear or Cloud

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cloud-mails · 10 years

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August 10, 2014

Dear Friend,

Being alone is my thing, but sometimes it also kills.

I love being alone, like, quiet and simple.

But I feel something's missing too. I don't feel to talk with phone, or chats. I don't know.

I am weird, I feel like I want to cry everytime I have the time. I don't have any specific reason though.

Now I should reassure myself that yes, I want to be recognized by everyone. But still, I don't find it is comfortable to have interactions with other people (who are new to me).

These times, I am being more and more depressed. My family with the financial problems and yet, I don't think every member in the family cared.

You know, I would love to have my life ended soon. Just to know how will world goes without me. But I won't tell this out loud. I won't write on my twitter or facebook or anything else. Just here, to you. I don't think any of my family member knows about this, neither my friends. Even the best one. (I should say I have a bestfriend now? since it's long enough we've been friends, but I am still not sure. They can betray me everytime)

And I've been thinking is there life after death. And with so many religion in the world, will there be these different afterlife for people with their own beliefs? How about people with more than one beliefs.

I do think I need someone who will understand me without me talking, or giving any signs. Someone who knows me really well and comforts. Well, everybody needs one I guess. But there is no one who can understand someone without that someone giving signs. I think.

Just if though, and people would be calm, maybe?

Do you have one?

Love always.

The Bear or Cloud

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cloud-mails · 10 years

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July 19, 2014

Dear Friend,

Sorry for the harsh letter on January.

It's been... so long

well,

If this is not the end of the world, why do I do feel like it is...?

I know that I should try harder and such, but if it makes no difference, it's exhausting. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. Maybe I did. Maybe I shouldn't draw to please people, but you know what? it's not as easy as you think.

Maybe this is just me, I don't know. Maybe I am chasing popularity, I don't know. But I do want people to see my art as good. so they can wahh, or wow-ing, and try to get contact in me I sound ridiculous, am I not?

I'm on the phase which a person thinks that money is everything. And I don't think I can move on. It's been hard since my dad stopped working from his company. Mom's shop getting busier, but the profit is not increasing much.

Sometimes I think, If I die, would they be richer? or at least save more money Like, I'm here, having my studies in a university that is not cheap. And plus, art supplies are not cheap too. And if, just if, I die, they could save more money for their living. They can get my brothers to school better, maybe. And at the moment, we are chasing for money. It's hard to earn money. I will try to sell things I made on September, but I am afraid it would not work. I really am. I constantly comparing myself to the other great artists out there, and yeah, it boost my depression as myself.

And here I am hoping I could die faster.

it is wrong I know, very very wrong. You should thank the God you can live. The longer you live, it is a blessing. (isn't it?) I also have no idea what afterlife looks like. I don't know it is good or bad. But I also think I'm now living, and have no one or nothing that will prevent me die. Like, I don't have a boyfriend, therefore, I am not attached to anybody. I don't have any pets. I do have parents, but they still have my brothers.......? I do have friends, but I don't think I am that special to them. If I die, they will cry, but then it passed. I am attached to nothing, and that is why I began to think myself as a burden if I don't succeed in my life as soon as possible. I only spent my parent's money on nothing, and they could save it.

So I should ask myself once more. Why do I even alive What is my purpose

And I will still, still cannot answer the questions this time.

And Friend, Yeah, it's painful

Love Always,

The Bear or Cloud

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cloud-mails · 10 years

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January 3, 2014

Dear Friend,

I AM SURELY TIRED OF THIS WORLD BEINGS.

FUCK THEM AND ALL THE THINGS.

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND I HATE PEOPLE.

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cloud-mails · 10 years

Text

November 25, 2013

Dear Friend,

I am now in a university, for your information, since I wasn't that much sending you any letters anymore.

And yesterday, or 2 days ago, I forgot, I am so freaking pissed off, I don't know if I was pissed, or confused, or sad, or angry, or guilty, or .. I just don't know.

So here's the story.

I am a Buddhist. And I must admit that I am not that kind of people who go to a vihara every weeks, and I know soooooo little anything about Buddhism. There's different ways in Buddha, like, one is more likely from Chinese tradition where you go to a temple and pray using "hio" and one is like listening to a "Dhamma" by ... the dhamma speaker? something like that. And my family, is more likely into the first one than the second one, so I don't know much about the other one, and I didn't try much to understand.

In my university, religion is divided. And since I was clueless where I should go, whether Christian ( since I went to Christian school from kindergarten to high school ) or, Buddha. I tried to take Buddha.

I feel more comfortable, yes, but I still don't like how people try to differentiate people by reiligion. I think, any good religion will taught us how to be good, or how to treat people good. I am not a fanatic. So, since I was taught Buddhism and Christian since I was a child, I believe in these 2 religion. What I don't like, sometimes in a preach, or dhamma, they said, something that their religion is better than the others...? I don't know, I sometimes feel like that, and I don't like it, I just don't.

Then, 2 or 3 days ago, I tried to an interview to be an activist in the Buddhism club in my university. I clearly didn't intend to try or even to get in, eventhough I will try to learn Buddhism slowly by joining their Dhamma class every Friday. I just tried to accompany my friend, since she was noisy about me joining the club. Really, I did the interview badly, and I somehow, half part and more of myself hope that I won't be choosen.

But then, yesterday, or 2 days ago, there was the announcement. And what did I see? YES, I was choosen. I FEEL SO WRONG ABOUT THIS, and I don't know how should I react. I know I need points to pass my university by joinining clubs as an activist, or going into a seminar, but I really didn't see this coming.

I feel guilty, really. I feel so wrong about myself. Maybe this is the karma I got for not so serious but try to get into a religion club, who knows?. I just feel so wrong, I don't know much about my religion yet they chose me?????? WHY? so I can learn the religion deeper? I want to learn deeper but somehow sometimes I just don't want? I don't understand myself.....

I know I am so pathetic since I always confused even for the simpliest thing in life. But... this is me.. I don't know what to do even for the simpliest things.

And on December 1st, they would have a some sort of inauguration, and it's a must. And I am lazy, so lazy. I am lazy to meet and talk with new people. I am lazy with people. And it's far. And I hate. hate. hate.

I know I should not talk about this but I don't understand myself. I should be happy about this since in my inner self also, I want to learn the religion deeper. but I have the side that I don't want to.

Maybe I am the reason why I am confused.

But whatever.

I will try though. Wish me luck for 1 year.

Love always, The Bear or Cloud

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cloud-mails · 11 years

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August 13, 2013

Dear Friend,

Instead of unhappy day I had today, I want to tell you about yesterday.

My one best friend went to America, to study abroad.

I feel happy for her, of course, since she could get a better education. Her tuition is also being paid by her aunt, but somehow I don't really like her stories about her aunt.

But yesterday, I cried.

I know I should be glad she could go abroad, but I was feeling like one of my best treasure went away and afraid I won't get it back. I accompanied her until she departed, with my friend, and gave her my farewell gift. I gave her a scarf I knitted. I wish she will find it useful and she like it. But I can't read people's mind. She said she likes it though, glad to hear that.

When she left and went inside to the side of the airport when not passengers cannot enter, I cried. Her mum and dad cried, her sister cried, my friend cried, also her.

I really want to go to the same university as her, but sometimes people can't always be together. They have their own path, and can't only follow another people's. Or I just want to accompany her to America, because yesterday she went alone, her cousin forgot her tickets, so in the end, my best friend went alone. It's her first time. It must be tough.

I wrote her a letter, but it was too random. I didn't even thank her to be an amazing friend for me. I didn't write I was sorry for all mistakes I've ever done to her. Oh, what a trash I am. I hoped when she read this letter she would laugh or cry, but instead she was confused she said, so I was a little bit disappointed. It indicates my weakness in making letters and such. I'm never good at writing, I guess.

And also I hope scarf isn't a bad thing to give someone. It made me worried that I read in the internet, some said it's bad, but some said it's not. Let's hope not.

Another disappointment yesterday was, the exam taker for Japanese scholarship who passed to the interview section has been posted. And as predicted, my name wasn't there. I am sad of course. But I feel I am not as sad as I expected.

I'm afraid I came to a doubt to go to Japan. Since animation is way better in America and such, than in Japan. I don't mean Japan is bad, I love Japan very very much, and animation in Japan has its own cool way. But as you see these days, movies in theatres are mostly from the West.

I'll try next year. And wish I don't have any doubts.

I am disappointed and worried about myself. Why can't I easily make a choice. I should be sad right now. I should've been.

Love always,

The Bear or Cloud

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