cleverwinepun

[cleverwinepun]

Todays Wine Is..

Barefoot Boxed Sunset Red Blend

Less than $20

ABSOLUTELY DESPICABLE

Once again, this wine was not of my picking, and was instead one of my Mother’s usual choices. She usually goes for the Barefoot boxed wines and usually I’m pretty partial to them; they don’t taste too bad and they definitely do the job! However, my mother suddenly started ordering this specific flavor, and I’m not sure if it’s because she began taking a genuine liking to it, because I could not glean a single reason to enjoy this wine. This wine is truly the Devil incarnate, satan himself injected gallons of despicably sour, hot, bitter seed into a vat of aged grape juice, boxed it, and sold it directly to the human race one night because he was bored and wanted to get a rise out of watching mere mortals suffer trying to chase pleasure so desperately they sip through this absolute wretched acid waste by force.

The only way I can enjoy this wine is by mixing it with a juice of some kind, which I will admit, is not one of my proudest moments. Wine should be respected, enjoyed and praised as it without help, indulged entirely as she comes without aid. And yet I simply couldn’t help it, it was wine after all, it needed to be drank… drunk? Me wanted feel funny off the silly juice OKAY? I’ve been mixing it with dollar store orange banana strawberry juice or lemonade, and it’s helped significantly. I served some to a friend during his visit without notifying him about my concoction and he exclaimed, “wow! this wine is really delicious.” What a fool. I could never subject my sweet friend to this wine virgin, it would ruin my credibility. I’m so ashamed, but it had to be done.

Overall Rating

Anyhow, if my ramblings prior didn’t make it clear, the wine alone can’t possibly get anything above an INCREDIBLY RARE 0/10. I have to give credit where credit is due though, it is impossible to create such a revolting drink. Maybe this was all a secret experiment? To create the worst wine known to man? Sell it and get a laugh at the expensive of wine moms all around the country? Who knows.

Barefoot, if you’re reading this… suck my nards, man. What’s wrong you with?

Drinking Buddy:

Its kind of hard to pinpoint a drinking buddy this time around, I’ve had many over the course of my time with this box of eldritch horrors; My aforementioned friend, several unfinished commissions im slaving through… But I’ve been putting off my review of this one for some time, waiting for the right state of mind where I could truly express all my thoughts about this drink to no one but myself (satisfying yourself with your work is most important, of course). So I poured myself yet another mixture that I just finished enjoying this morning with Trigun in the background, so I guess I’ll count it as my drinking buddy for this entry.

I only started Trigun yesterday and have made it around to roughly around half of the entire series, though it is only 27? Episodes, so it isn’t much of a feat. I was looking for a new piece of media to watch while I finished my art commissions, and had the hankering to begin a new anime that I’ve been wanting to watch for a while. I added Trigun to my Hulu watchlist without any prior knowledge of the series beyond the name. Judging by the synopsis and the thumbnail, it looked to be more of a serious, older anime, and I expected to get more of a convoluted and early mysterious, lore heavy, and emotionally strenuous series with very little humor involved. However, I was PLEASANTLY surprised! This serious has been a treat, with a humor heavy plot and a simple to grasp, semi-episodic beginning that I found myself getting a good laugh at, and soon became incredibly invested at the sprinkles of lore and powerful overarching message reinforced at the end of every episode of forgiveness and the fight for peace, even at the expensive of your livelihood. The relentless fight for peace despite the how taxing dealing with the evils of the world is leaves a very inspiring message, even if left by the worlds most pathetic womanizing loser ever (said affectionately of course). I can’t wait to finish the series, as I’m currently watching episode 14 right now, albeit a bit tipsy.

Well that’s it. Fuck barefoot, and god bless Vash the Stampede.

[cleverwinepun]

The Wine ‘fo Today

Forza Moscato! Look at this photo of her, why is it so funny? The closeup shot for no reason in the worlds crunchiest quality, for a quality ($5) wine.

Alrighty, so of course I’m going to dedicate the first “professional wine taste tm” review to the wine that inspired me to start this little blog for myself. This wine was so good to me it got me to start a blog??? Idk at first I snapped a photo of the bottle IMMEDIATELY after having my first sip so I could remember I liked it and buy it in the future and then I thought hey why don’t I write this down? In fact I should write about all the wines I like, maybe even the ones I didn’t like. Maybe … like my own personal wine review journal? A BLOG? Why am i this passionate about wine ? Did I inherit the alcoholic gene? (Yes) I basically just wanted to scrapbook every drink I’ve ever liked for future reference and thought this was a pretty silly and elaborate way to do so.

I’m not sure how those professional wine tasters describe the wines they drink, what the notes are, how the hell they can tell the literal chemical compound of the liquid just by gargling it. All I know is that this wine just tastes like juice, n that’s why mama likey. My favorite wines are definitely the ones that are basically “fruit juice that makes my tummy feel funny” because I’m literally an overgrown child. This one was very lovely! Basically tasted like the white grape juice you find in the supermarket, and is only like 6 bucks. It’s main attribute is that it’s VERY sweet, like salivates your mouth upon contact sweet. I had it warm so this sweetness was probably a little more prominent thanks to that, and though I expressed to myself it would probably be even better chilled, I did not get to try it that way. I’m known to not be the best at sipping in moderation, and fruity drinks are always a very dangerous game because the less it tastes like alcohol, the faster I’m going to drink it, and the faster I will get drunk (This of course does not bother me, but definitely bothers my mother, the one who is actually doing the wine purchasing) Overall, just a very sweet drink I’d mostly recommend for a time you wish to experience a little jolt while you watch a silly show or something, but not really to accompany a nice dinner or anything. Maybe something to stick in the mango slushie you ordered with your Taco Bell meal while you watch Big Brother or some other drivel (slash positive).

Rating

I’m not exactly sure how this bottle got in my house? Some family came over earlier on the same day I tried the wine randomly at 3am, and it was just put out on the table. It was put out half empty though? Like it didn’t seem like my mother went out and bought it for the occasion that same morning, and I swear I’ve never seen the bottle before then? Where the hell could she have been hiding it if that was the case? When was she drinking this, because why else would it be half empty? Lot of unanswered questions with this bottle, but I’ve always liked my women a little mysterious. Anyways solid 5/5, but I am only going to be able to try her like three times because once again the bottle was presented half empty and I’m trying to do some Houdini level trickery to make it seem like the liquid level has not changed by keeping it above the bottom of the logo line so it’s not obvious I’ve been sneaking cups of it while everyone is asleep (how I enjoy most of my drinks). Can’t wait to buy her for myself in like a year and a month. Nummy nummy nummy.

My Sipping Buddy:

I really wanna include this segment to shoutout what I was doing or who I was with while enjoying the drink in question, but my very legit physic senses are telling me most of these are gonna be whatever silly YouTube video I watched while I drank bc I mostly drink alone in my bedroom at odd hours of the night, so…

My sipping buddy for this wine was Jenny Nicholson! Specifically this 3 hour docu-tube-mentary on Evermore; which despite it’s not super long timespan, took me like two whole days to watch?? Idk I kept stopping and attempting (and obviously failing) to watch it in odd places like in the shower. Anyways it left me longing for a alternate dimension where Evermore wasn’t a total flop and delivered on everything it said it would be and I got to go and I would officially be able to die the happiest person on planet earth because I was alive at a time where I could go to the coolest larping theme park on Earth. God I really wish Evermore turned out how it was envisioned. Great video though, Jenny is always a hoot, and I love a good deep dive into the most random shit.

Anyways my tummy hurts because my body is freaking out over not having a baby inside it this month and I am starting to physically feel my eyebags resting on my face so I’m not proof reading this and posting it now. But let’s be honest even if I wasn’t in excruciating pain I’m probably not gonna proofread anything I post here.

#wine #i am not a professional #idk why I feel the need to clarify that idk how viscous the supposed wine community I made up in my head is #i just wanna enjoy cheap wine