chxcxlatemxusse-blog

[chxcxlatemxusse-blog]

How Can I Fly and Not Fall

“Plié and stretch! Look at your hand!” The screams of Oksana, our ballet teacher, pierce the delicate keys of Tchaikovsky playing in the background. 

As I turn my head and shift my gaze towards my finger tips, my eyes become fixated on my body:

Do my pants make me look fat?

The loose waist of my size two Lululemon leggings ballooned away from my body, creating the illusion of a small protrusion of my belly. Just a month ago, I would get repulsed by the image in the mirror. My eyes would trace over my pudgy face before trailing over my large ribs that spilled into meaty thighs. I seemed out of place compared to the slim bodies of the other figure skaters in class beside me. 

“她变胖了[She got fatter]!”

“Shhh… Grandma!” Says my best friend, Natalie, “She understands Cantonese!”

The memory of that moment would snap me from my trance and I would finally tear my eyes away from the mirror, swallowing down bile threatening to purge up my throat.

I had been off of training for two months after fracturing my fourth metatarsal. With time off, I felt giddy about finally getting to have lunch at school with my friends, but instead I became enslaved by nothing but school. The need to have untainted marks that would promise my place at university began driving my head into the pavement. The only way I could briefly wriggle out of its grasp was to abuse my stomach instead, stretching it out with anything edible I could find. 

“You’re getting big. Have all your meals home-cooked and be more responsible. How do you expect to jump when you look like this?” My coach stated on my first day back at training. 

She was right. How could I have expected to dominate the international ranks when just the act of jumping would make the ice crack? I thus settled into a new regime: I only ate home-meals and worked out for nine hours a day. The rest and recovery routine was my favourite part though: with my foam roller I willed myself to break down all the fat and muscles of my legs until dark purple and blue would paint my quadriceps. 

The clanging of the door to the ballet room opening brings me back to the present. Coach walks in with a dominating aura as she strides towards her office which is connected to the room that our ballet class was in. I hold my breath as she pauses in her tracks to inspect us, her eyes darting over our figures. I wait expectantly and fist the excess fabric at my waist to show her how well I have tamed my body. 

“Wow, Emily!” My coach coos at the girl beside me, “looking good!”  

…

Home 

My hands and mouth work in a blur. The tingly, cool sweetness of vanilla ice cream that I shove in my mouth becomes laced with salty tears. I frantically swat my hands over the cabinets, in search of anything else I can eat. I open one of the cabinets and ravage blindly, eyes fused shut from the swelling. I eventually crawl into my bathroom down the hall and lock the door shut. I slap my face until my cheeks become numb and grab my eyebrow razor. The sharp pain etching into my wrist comforts me as I welcome this punishment. Blood begins to ooze out of each gash, until the word FAT, carved in dark red, becomes prominent against my translucent skin. 

References

Danza. (2019). Swan Lake. P. I. Tchaikovsky. Piano music for ballet class [Video]. Youtube

Laudiseno. (2019). Fat girl eating a chocolate bar - vector. iStock. Retrieved December 7, 2022, from https://www.istockphoto.com/vector/fat-girl-eating-a-chocolate-bar-gm1151641035-312182391

#Youtube

[chxcxlatemxusse-blog]

I'll Only be Able to Fly Now

“Mom! Mom! Mom! Guess what happened today?” I chattered with a wide beam over the phone.

I stood beside the top-to-floor windows on the second floor, watching minivans and the occasional sedan driving in and out of the lot. The honey-like glow of the sun brushed my arm through the window. Funny… this place usually feels like the sewers of New York in December… the last place I wanted to spend my summer.

“Oh no… what happened?” My mom asked in a playfully concerned tone. 

“I landed a perfect triple-lutz-triple toe loop combination jump!” I whisper-screamed through the phone. “And Coach said to start practicing it in my routine so that I can be super prepared for competition next year! She even talked about sending me to an international competition early next season to get more practice!”

I’ve battered the memory of failing to make it to Nationals out of existence but maybe this was an opportunity in disguise. I’ll have more time to increase the difficulty and consistency of my elements now that I don’t need to prepare for competition. The idea of trying another triple-lutz triple-toe or even a triple axel made my eyes gleam. I couldn’t wait to get onto the next session. 

“Wow! That’s awesome sweetie! I am so proud of you!” 

“Thanks mom, I’m proud of myself too,” I said jokingly. “Anyways, I have to go and warm up for the next on-ice training session now! Love you!”

“Love you too! Have fun!”

After scurrying down the stairs and warming up beside the rink, I lace up my skates for my last on-ice training session of the day. 

I relish the cool breeze caressing my cheeks and the addicting hum of my blades carving into the glistening ice. I rev up to do a triple-lutz-triple toe loop combination jump. Tingles thrum down my fingertips as I remember the feeling of success in the previous training session. 

First knee, second knee, twist. First knee, second knee, twist.

I reach my leg back and get ready to place my toe pick into the ice to propel myself into the jump. However, instead of feeling the wind whip against my body, my ribs thudded against the ice and white fire shot through my right foot. My left foot had slipped during take-off and my blade stabbed through my right skate and lodged itself into soft, pink flesh. I desperately tried to hobble off the ice but resorted to a crawl while one of the coaches called my mom and told her to take me to the hospital.

…

After getting wheeled into the X-Ray room, I waited for the results as the nurse practitioner began sticking a needle and thread through my foot. 

“Mom, will Coach get mad if I suggest taking the weekend off for my foot to heal? Will —” The swoosh of the curtain revealed another nurse. 

“Hi hon, your X-Ray results just came out,” Her mouth was set in a soft smile but there was no crinkling around her eyes. “I’m really sorry but your fourth metatarsal is fractured in two places.”

Fuzzy black dots began dancing over the nurse's face until the room became pitch-dark. 

References

BB Trend Sports. (2021). 20 Falls & Fails in Figure Skating #1 | Ladies' Single Skating [Video] Youtube

#Youtube

[chxcxlatemxusse-blog]

Learning to Fly

Frigid air nips at the goose bumps on my skin in the middle of July. 

“Ok, one more triple lutz jump.” My coach’s command reverberates along the sheet of ice in the figure skating rink. 

My legs immediately obey her orders after having been tamed by her for a decade. The ice purrs underneath my metal blades as I push towards the other side of the rink to set up for the jump again.  

First knee, second knee, twist. First knee, second knee, twist.

I repeat, and repeat, and repeat. I repeat until these words echo in an empty head because overthinking is dangerous: 

I know you’ve been landing this jump for four years but what if you fall this time? 

You’re not pushing yourself hard enough. You’re still not good enough yet.

You were trying to qualify for the World Championships yet you couldn’t even make it to the National Championships this year? How embarrassing. 

See what I mean? Dangerous. Once you let the Devil unleash his flames, he will burn through any surviving thread of confidence you have until you wither unrecognizably. 

First knee, second knee, twist. First knee, second knee, twist.

I launch myself up into the air and land perfectly on a crisp edge that etches itself into the ice. I let go of the breath I was holding which sends ripples down my tense muscles. I skate back to my coach for further instruction, knowing I will not get reprimanded. 

“Now add a triple-toe loop to the end of the triple-lutz jump.”

This jump combination is consistently done by the top female figure skaters in the world and it can ensure my spot on the 2018 Canadian Olympic Team. I’ve never conquered this jump combination before, but that doesn’t change the recipe for success: 

First knee, second knee, twist. First knee, second knee, twist.

I propel myself up into the air for the first jump of the combination and soon find myself reaching my foot back to launch up into the second jump. The air time of a triple jump lasts less than half a second but this jump defied gravity and time. As soon as I get up in the air the second time, I notice the bright fluorescent lights shining down on the ice surface and feel the air pressing up against my skates.  

The clean crackling of the ice sends vibrations up the soles of my feet and I hear clapping. 

Wait… that was it?

As I skate back to my coach, I bring myself to meet her steel gaze.

Oh, she was wearing glasses today?

My coach’s hands remain put in her pockets but her nonchalant, “Well done,” is enough for a delightful warmth to course up my spine.

References:

Skate For Gold. (2020). Figure Skating ASMR [Video]. Youtube

#Youtube