chouettecrivaine

[chouettecrivaine]

Ouhgouhgouhgoihg FUCK. war and hatred on planet earth. Happiness is a LIE !!!!!!!!!

(I ran out of tags LMAO so i had to put it here MY APOLOGIES)

where the stars fall.

summary: in the middle of the zombie apocalypse, you and your childhood friend, Childe, and his little brother try to survive amidst the wreckage of a broken world. things take a turn for the worse when you meet a stranger who shatters what you think you know of the world.

notes: 11k words, author's notes, descriptions of violence, murder (specifically through the use of a gun and of an unnamed stranger), unhealthy relationships, angst with no comfort

It’s the end of the world, and your childhood friend is the only person you have left.

Glass crunches underfoot as you and Childe slip in through the broken window of an abandoned grocery store. There’s not much left on the shelves: a stale loaf of black, furry bread, a forgotten wrapper, a dusty row of cracked children’s toys. Everything good has already been scavenged by other survivors.

Like most other grocery stores you’ve scavenged, the broken fridges buzz with flies swarming rotting meat. The remaining fruits are so moldy they’ve permanently stained the shelves with their decaying juice. The smell barely registers anymore; you’ve long since gotten used to the scent of the world dying.

Childe gestures at you and then the left side of the store, before pointing at himself and waving at the right side. His meaning is clear; you nod, and the two of you separate.

You pad noiselessly down the aisles, eyes wandering over the remains of a forgotten life. You’ve ended up in the beauty section: crusted lotions, murky shampoo, eyeshadow palette spilling their candy-colored guts all over the floor. 

You stare longingly at the shampoo bottles, but you can’t take any. It’s an unaffordable luxury, even though you’ve forgotten when you took your last bath. The heating and electricity in most houses is failing, and the encroaching winter means the outside water sources are out of the question.

The dry goods section is desiccated. Most of the food is gone, but there is one stale sleeve of crackers left. You drop it in your backpack, grinning at the lucky find. 

You straighten, before your eyes fall on a door labeled “employees only.” There might still be something worth scavenging there. You pull out the kitchen knife you keep sheathed in your pocket, the blade glinting dully as you crack open the door.

The room is dark, save for a cracked light that flickers off and on in aimless intervals. There’s a clock on the wall, frozen permanently at 2:13am, and a table in the corner where employees must have taken their breaks, alongside a microwave and– lucky for you– cardboard boxes still piled up on storage shelves. You hurry over, pulling one down. Nothing but dust, more dust– aha! A crinkled bar of chocolate. It’s still sealed, but it would be a perfect present for Teucer. 

Something groans behind you, and the hair on your arms tingle. Your heart pounds as you tightly grip the handle of your kitchen knife, whipping it out as you spin– just in time to see a baseball crack through the zombie standing over you.

Blood and rotting flesh fall to the floor in wet chunks as Childe hits the zombie until it collapses to the floor. Then he hits it again. And again. Its arm twitches, and Childe smashes the limb until the bone cracks. He doesn’t stop, even when the zombie stops moving, not even when it’s just a pile of meat and pooling blood.

Childe isn’t even breathing hard when he drops his arm. His eyes are hard flecks of ice as he stares down at the zombie. For a second, he looks like a stranger.

“You okay?” Childe whispers, his gaze melting into something familiar and warm, and the familiar concern coloring his voice brings him back to you.

 The two of you try to limit communication to wordless gestures and hand signals when you’re traveling outside; noise risks attracting zombies. “I’m fine,” you reply.

Childe nods, before looking over you up and down carefully, as if to confirm the veracity of your statement himself. He takes your hand without a word, lacing your fingers together. The blood on his hand smears over your combined fingers, rust and iron seeping into the folds of your skin.

But it’s Childe. You won’t pull away. You can’t, even if you hate the feeling of blood.

He doesn’t let go of your hand the whole time the two of you carefully make your way out of the grocery store, slinking down streets, sticking to the shadows and pausing to listen to the shuffle of undead feet. You keep a grip on your kitchen knife and Childe’s hand never strays far from his baseball bat, but it’s an uneventful trek back to the hotel where you’ve set up a temporary base.

The entire first floor is a wreck, the former grandeur blighted by blood and smashed furniture, wallpaper peeling off in strips, the patterns in the carpet hidden by layers of grime and dirt. The room you’ve chosen is up on the third floor; neither you and Childe have bothered to venture farther up the hotel stairs beyond that.

The electronic locks and elevators have long since broken, and the door of room 302 creaks open easily. Inside, Teucer is fiddling with a radio in his hands, a ratty blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a flashlight shining like a beacon next to him, huddled by the foot of the farthest of the two beds in the room. He looks up at the two of you, his eyes bright and expectant.

It’s not until Childe securely closes the door behind him that Teucer finally launches himself at his brother, arms clinging tightly. “You’re back!” Childe barely has time to ruffle his hair before Teucer tears himself off and falls into your arms instead. 

You pat his back, and a crackled voice emanates from the radio in Teucer’s hands. You can just barely make out the broken words; it might as well be a broadcast from another planet.

“... Gov… Facilities… North… Repeat…. North… Nat… tate of… gency… Repeat… Govern… North…”

Nothing you haven’t heard already. The radio has been playing the same message, over and over, for the past few months. After all, it’s only the promise of potential safety and protection that drives you and Childe to travel so far north. That, and resources are dwindling with each new city and town the three of you encounter as you follow the voice promising safety.

“I have something for you,” you say, and fish the bar of chocolate out of your bag. 

Teucer’s eyes light up as he unwraps the treat. “Oh, wow!” He pauses, staring at you and then Childe, and breaks the bar into three uneven pieces.

He offers a chunk to you. You hold up your hands. “Teucer, it’s okay. That was for you.”

Teucer pouts. “Well, you gave it to me, so it’s mine now, and I get to do what I want with it. And I want to share it with you.”

You hesitate, before accepting the chocolate with two fingers. It’s softening already, leaving soft smudges on your hand. When you pop it into your mouth, it melts like a dream, flooding a sweetness into your system you haven’t tasted in months. Maybe you’ll never taste this sweetness ever again.

“Anything happen while we were gone?” Childe asks casually. Teucer fiddles with his radio again, illegible voices warbling in and out of focus like ghosts from a distant plane of existence.

“Nope,” Teucer chirps. “Just a few zombies passing by when I peeked out the window, though.”

“Teucer, I told you not to do that. What if one of them sees you?”

“Why not? I was careful, and I wanted to see when the two of you were going to come home.”

“Well, we’re home now, and Teucer is safe. Everything’s fine, so no arguing. We need to head out tomorrow, anyways,” you interrupt gently. “I think we’ve stayed here long enough.”

The two brothers nod at your words, and when they do that, Teucer looks just like an echo of Childe. Same messy hair, same freckles, same mischievous gleam in their eyes. You head towards the bathroom. If you’re lucky, there might be a trickle of tap water left if you turn on the sink.

“Wait! Aren’t you going to play something today?” Teucer chirps.

“I’m not…”

“You always said a good violinist should practice everyday so their skills don’t rust,” Childe adds. “Come on, aren’t you a professional?”

“The noise might draw an entire hoard of zombies to our door,” you say.

“The walls are soundproof,” Childe says.

“Just one song,” Teucer says. “I’ll even let you choose which one!”

You let out a little sigh before moving towards your violin case, snugly hidden by the side of the bed. It’s an unforgivable vanity, you know, to carry this with you. An extra weight, when you should have a bag full of rations or cold weather supplies instead. But when you were fleeing your home, facing threats from the undead and other desperate survivors alike, it had been Childe who shoved your violin into your hands. The electricity was failing. The water was tainted. Food was running out. And yet, Childe had handed you your instrument. 

“We can’t take this with us,” you tried to reason with him.

“Don’t leave it behind,” Childe said curtly. “You love it, don’t you?”

You had grasped the instrument in your hands, a lifeline in the rising tides. 

It’s not as if the world has any rooms for violinists now, no matter how good you are at playing. Bach and Tchaikovsky can’t save you from dying, and all the concert halls have turned to ash. 

But when you fling open the lid, the glossy wood gleaming in the low light, when you tighten the bow and reverently run the horsehair along your amber rosin, when you attach your shoulder rest and bring it to your chin, it doesn’t feel like a mistake at all. Your violin slots under your chin perfectly, right where it belongs.

You pluck at the strings, turning the little knobs, listening, adjusting the pitch, and then you raise your bow letting the first few sweet notes sing in the air, before you launch into a short, bouncy waltz.

It almost feels like it used to, in a way that it hasn’t in a long time, and you’ll never feel again: you, and Childe, in Childe’s own living room. You force him to listen to you practice, something you’ve always made him do, even if he can’t even name all the notes on a sheet of music. Teucer is on Childe’s lap, too young to really pay attention, blinking sleepily in the afternoon light, which shines on you like a spotlight. It’s a poor audience, but this audience of two has always been your favorite, even if you dream of sold out stages and prestigious awards. 

The memory is painful, and you shove it back down, with everything else you can’t bear to think about. There is no past for you. There’s only here, and now. There’s Teucer, smiling, old enough to finally pay attention. And there’s your friend– the one who knows you best– Childe. He’s listened to you from the beginning, and he’ll listen to you until the very end.

Childe watches you, the same way he’s always done: face turned towards you, rapt. He’s listening to you play, but it feels like it’s you he’s paying the most attention to, not your music. As if in this dying world, you’re the only one who can save him.

The three of you steal out of the hotel in the blue light of dawn, the cold a bitter chill as you creep down the stairs and make your way to the highway again. You have a map, but following the local highway is the easiest way to proceed to your location, a manmade road marking your path to safety. Cars bead the roads in one long necklace of crushed metal and metal corpses. 

The cars are the remains of panicked people who tried to leave town as fast as they could, but the sheer flood of people meant the roads had easily jammed and cars idled in place. The lucky ones, who got out quickly, rode their cars until they ran out of gas before abandoning them. The others discarded their trapped cars to idle and rust as they fled on foot. And the unlucky ones, like you, Childe and Teucer, have no choice but to run as far as your legs could carry you.

Teucer is sandwiched between you and Childe as the three of you walk in silence. The world is so quiet now, a silence that has its own weight and texture. Nothing works, and there’s no one to talk to. You can’t even speak to your companions unless you want to risk the attention of zombies or other survivors.

Teucer’s portable radio hangs limply in his hands, and he lets out a raspy little cough. Instantly, you turn to him, a hand on the top of his soft curls.

Teucer shakes his head, and gives you a thumbs up. You and Childe glance at each other, before Childe sweeps Teucer onto his back. Teucer digs his heels into Childe’s sides as a protest to be let down, but Childe continues resolutely forward.

You let out a little sigh. It’s a familiar sight; ever since Teucer was a baby, Childe was always reaching for his brother with his chubby hands, holding him close to him like a treasure. You like Teucer, but you’re an only child; you can’t imagine what it’s like to have a sibling you love so much.

The road is long, winding and endless in front of you, but even the monotony of your travel can’t stop you from pricking your ears, listening for the shuffle of feet, or a long, winding groan. It’s not safe out in the open, and unease prickles your skin.

You pass a car, and a zombie slams its hands against the window, rotting fingers leaving stains on the glass as it claws at you, eyes sunken. Your stomach shrivels, and you bite your lip to prevent your startled cry from escaping. You can guess what happened here: someone was bitten by a zombie, escaped in a panic, but had turned before they could get very far. Still, the eyeless face turns your stomach. That could be you, if you’re not careful enough. 

In the next moment, Childe takes your hand, lacing your fingers together. You look at him questioningly, but he simply smiles in return. Maybe it’s a habit from the time you’ve spent together, but Childe is always reaching for your hand. To reassure you, to reassure himself, or just to comfort you.

Childe takes care of you. He knows your moods before you do, valiantly throws himself in front of any perceived threat to you, and wants to solve all of your problems. When you were little, when he sensed you were upset, Childe used to throw rocks at your bedroom window until you let him in. He reminds you a little of a dog, but if you tell him that, he would only grin.

You sigh, but before you can even signal your thanks, a low, broken shout pierces the air. Instantly, both you and Childe tense; you grab your knife and jerk out of his grasp as you run towards the voice.

There’s a young man lying against a car, a snarling zombie snapping its jaws at his face. The young man is holding it back with his gloved hands, but he’s quickly losing purchase. There’s a gun a few feet away from him; he must have been caught unawares.

Before you can think, you dart towards the zombie and angle your knife through its neck and into its brain. The zombie howls; the noise isn’t good. It could attract more of them– but then the zombie’s voice cuts off abruptly. It totters and slumps over, and then you see why: the young man has somehow shoved a knife within the zombie’s mouth.

“Fuck,” the young man mutters. He’s still slumped over on the ground.

You hold out your hand. “Are you okay?” you mumble.

The young man looks derisively at you, before slowly rising to his feet. “Yeah. I had it under control.”

“If you say so,” you say doubtfully.

“Hey, is everything okay?” By now, Childe has caught up with the two of you, his baseball clutched tightly in his hands. Teucer is trailing behind him.

“Yeah,” you say. “This guy was in some trouble, but it’s okay now.”

Childe kicks the body of the zombie, and you flinch at the weight of the sound. “Okay, great. Let's move on, then.”

“Wait.” You turn back to the young man. “Do you need any medical treatment? Did the zombie get to you in any way?”

“Are you asking me if I have a zombie bite?” the young man says contemptuously. “What would you do if I did? Going to stick your knife into my throat?”

“If they won’t, I will,” Childe says, his smile still pleasant. “They saved your life, so the least you can do is verify that you’re not a threat to us.”

“I just want to know if you’re okay,” you persist.

“I said I’m fine,” the young man says. “You know, do you want to draw the zombies to our location? Why don’t you both just shut up, and then we can all move on, hm?”

“We saved your life,” Childe says. “You don’t think you owe us for that?”

“They saved my life, not you,” the young man interjects. “And I don’t owe you anything for sticking your nose in my business.”

“Why don’t you come with us?” you suggest. Childe and the young man both look at you like you’ve sprouted a second head. “I did save your life, and there’s safety in numbers. You’re heading north, too, right? To the government shelter? We could help each other out.”

“Don’t just assume my plans,” the young man mutters. His mouth puckers, as if he’s swallowed something sour. “Fine. If you’re so desperate for my assistance, I suppose I can accompany you for a while. We can call it even that way. But don’t expect any favors from me after that.”

You nod. “Okay. What’s your name?”

The young man eyes you distrustfully. “I suppose… you can call me Scaramouche.”

After introducing yourselves to Scaramouche, who makes sure to collect his gun, the four of you set off. Scaramouche lingers a bit behind your group. Childe, for his part, keeps a tight grip on Teucer’s hand, who keeps trying to look back at the stranger. Neither men look particularly happy.

Maybe this is a bad idea. Still, even if Scaramouche does become a threat, he’s easily outnumbered; he can’t risk using his gun without drawing in zombies with the sound. Besides, if you just left him to wander by himself after a zombie attack, you’d worry over him. This is for your own peace of mind.

The next town descends into view before sunset, a place whose name was lost when all its inhabitants fled. A town without people isn’t really a town at all. Crumbling buildings, deserted cars, broken windows and overflowing trash on the streets: every place looks the same now. This might as well have been the place you left this morning.

A few zombies prowl the streets. The four of you avoid main roads and storefronts, and it’s at this point that Scaramouche leads your little group. He must be familiar with the area, because it’s not long before you reach a residential district, and Scaramouche nods his head at a nondescript house, with intact windows and a sturdy door, which you go up to open.

The lock is stuck, but you strike at it with your knife until it loosens. The three of you step into what looks like someone’s living room: leather couches, bookcases, widescreen television. The books are dusty with disuse, game consoles lying lifeless on the ground.

You, Scaramouche, and Childe sweep the premises, but there’s no zombies– or other survivors– in the place. It makes sense; most people fled as soon as they could, when the weather was still favorable. You, Childe and Teucer are part of the stragglers, the last few people still on the road. Other survivors aren’t common to encounter anymore, and those that are left are quick to look at each other with suspicion and hostility, if not aggression.

Scaramouche’s reaction is normal, all things considered. To him, you’re probably the odd one out. The world has turned to shit. It takes some measure of courage, tenacity, cunning, or even selfishness to survive. You can’t fault anyone for what they do to live.

But still. You can’t imagine completely turning your back on other people. After all, you and Childe have been supporting each other all this time. Neither of you could have made it this far without each other.

“I’m taking a bedroom upstairs,” Scaramouche says abruptly. “Don’t bother me unless you need me.”

“Get some rest,” you say. You set your violin case carefully down onto the floor, but Scaramouche pauses to watch you as you do.

“What the hell is that?”

“My violin,” you say simply.

“Really?” he says, scowling. “A violin? Do you think this is a school field trip? Are you going to subdue the zombies through music?”

“We could also subdue the zombies by tying you up and throwing you to them as bait,” Childe says pleasantly, stepping in front of you so you’re hidden from Scaramouche’s view.

You can still see him, though, and Scaramouche rolls his eyes at Childe’s words. He  must not be in the mood for a fight, because he disappears up the stairs without another word.

“Gov… north… natio… state of… gency… repeat…” Teucer is fiddling with his radio again, cross-legged on the living room, and the sound echoes in the small space. He coughs as he adjusts the antenna, wiping his running nose with the back of his sleeve. 

“Are you sure you want him with us?” Childe says quietly, so that Teucer can’t overhear.

You lightly grasp his hand, and Childe curls his fingers around yours. “He could be helpful. We can at least stick with him for a few days.”

“Got it. We’ll do what you want to do. But if he ever tries to hurt you or Teucer, then I’m going to take care of him.”

The way Childe says it leaves you no doubt that he’ll make good on his threat the second he perceives Scaramouche has turned his back on your group. Even when you were younger, you always thought Childe was like a pack animal: friendly and warm to anyone in his inner circle, but unrelentingly distant to anyone outside of it. 

You remember the zombie that had almost attacked you at the convenience store yesterday, and the way Childe hadn’t stopped hitting it, not even when it stopped moving. 

Childe relishes violence in a way you can’t understand. He was quick to pick up a weapon the second the zombies started showing up, and hasn’t put it down since.

He’ll make good on his threat. You can read it in his eyes alone. Hopefully bringing Scaramouche along isn’t a mistake.

Over the next few days, as the four of you continue to travel north, you’re still trying to make sense of Scaramouche. 

He has a sharp tongue, and he’s not sociable whatsoever, but he never ignores your questions, even if there’s a scathing reply on his tongue more often than not. He pulls his weight, finding his share of supplies and sharing them with the three of you. And more than that, he dispatches zombies with ease. Scaramouche moves as fast and merciless as Childe, smashing brains into the pavement and aiming bullets directly at undead hearts and spines that cause the corpses to crumple to the floor, his silencer muffling all sound.

Maybe you’re the odd one, because you can’t stop thinking about how these zombies used to be people, with hopes and dreams dashed before they knew what happened to them. Still, there’s no time for regret; you have to do what you can to protect the people you love.

Overall, it’s nice to have another person around to hunt for resources, to watch your back when you’re out, or to have someone back at your makeshift bases to help look after Teucer.

And, surprisingly, it’s Teucer who Scaramouche seems to get along with the most. He’ll listen to Teucer ramble on, and spend more time with him than either you or Childe.

“He’s a nice guy,” Teucer tells you simply, when you ask him about Scaramouche. “I don’t think he’s really that mean. Sometimes he looks a little lonely, though.”

One night, Teucer’s radio breaks, the voices sputtering to a stubborn halt. Neither you nor Childe have any experience with machines, and not even Teucer’s crestfallen look can will the two of you to bring it back to life.

“Maybe I should just hit it a few times,” Childe mutters, turning the machine over and over in his hands.

“Are you an idiot? Give that to me,” Scaramouche snarls, snatching the radio out of Childe’s grasp.

The three of you watch as Scaramouche doctors the radio, unscrewing the back and checking the wires. A second later, sound crackles through the machine, a faint voice mumbling words you can’t hear.

“These things wear out easily,” Scaramouche barks at Teucer. “Try to keep it from overheating.”

“Thank you!” Teucer throws his arms around Scaramouche, who keeps his arms dangling awkwardly in the air before patting Teucer once, his hand gently curling around his head. He seems familiar with children, and it makes you wonder if he has– or had– a little brother before.

“That was sweet of you,” you say to Scaramouche, when he passes by you and Childe. Teucer is adjusting the radio’s buttons again, trying to find any sort of signal.

“I didn’t do it for you,” he says, scoffing. “I would hate to see that brat crying, that’s all. It would attract the undead.”

“Sure,” Childe breaks in easily, smiling. “You’re big brother material, you know.”

“Shut up,” Scaramouche snarls.

Scaramouche is an enigma, but he’s an asset. It’s only when Childe quietly murmurs that he hasn’t noticed any signs of zombie bites or symptoms of infection on Scaramouche that you can bring yourself to trust in him a little more.

“I still think he’s bad news,” Childe tells you in a quiet voice, when Scaramouche is busy entertaining Teucer in the room over. Teucer’s laughter drifts through the wall. “There’s something off about him. The sooner we ditch him, the better.”

“Teucer likes him,” you say.

“Teucer is young.”

“Are you sure you’re not jealous of him?” you tease, elbowing Childe in the side.

He shakes his head. His eyes are distant, staring at somewhere far away from you, some place you can’t join him in. Childe has that look often these days, and it’s the same one he has whenever he sees a zombie and his hands flex on his baseball bat.

Maybe it’s the apocalypse, or maybe it’s always been a part of him. But it’s frightening, because he’s never been unreachable to you. If you just whisper his name, he’ll usually come running straight to your side. But when he gets like this, you wonder if your voice will reach him at all. You take his hand instinctively, as if to ground him back to your reality, and Childe squeezes your hand in return.

He’s here. He’s here, even if the rest of the world falls to ruin, and he’ll always take your hand.

“I just have a bad feeling,” Childe says.

“We’ll be careful,” you promise. 

Childe closes his eyes, rubbing his thumb over the back of your hand. “Okay.”

Maybe he’s trying to ground himself with your touch, too, so the two of you stay in that position for a long while longer, where you simply soak in each other’s presence, lost in your own thoughts.

As you travel over the next few days, the temperature turns frigid and the ground icy, and the four of you stick to camping out in empty buildings. If you’re lucky, the houses might have an indoor fireplace to huddle around. If not, then you make do with thick, lonely, faded blankets forgotten in closets. If you can’t make it to town, there’s always cars to break into and huddle in for the night. It’s been easy to avoid zombies with the cooling weather; frost gathers in their joints, and they move more slowly. On cold enough nights, you can’t see any at all.

It’s in one of the countless abandoned homes you pass that the four of you stop by for the night. You’re huddled by a fire pit, blankets curled over your shoulders, having pushed the couches closer to the hearth to trap the heat. There are framed pictures over the mantelpiece, of a blond family: two daughters, one with a ponytail and another with pigtails, a mom, a dad. You wonder if they’re alive. Then you turn your head back to the fire, flames flickering in a slow dance, and makes it hard to think of anything else.

Teucer is asleep, his head on Childe’s lap. You’re curled up on Childe’s other side, shoulders touching. Scaramouche sits farther apart, his shoulders hunched, legs folded under him.

“Okay, spit it out. Are the two of you dating?” Scaramouche says suddenly.

“What?” you hiss.

“Did you think I wouldn’t notice? All the touching? And he–” Scaramouche jerks a thumb at Childe– “Keeps acting like the two of you will die if you’re apart for a single moment.”

“We’re not dating. We’re just friends,” you say defensively, even as Scaramouche raises an eyebrow. “I’ve known him since I was born, okay? We grew up next to each other.”

Scaramouche rolls his eyes. “Oh, how sappy.”

“Are you interested in us?” you challenge, annoyed. “That’s a weird thing to bring up all of a sudden.”

Scaramouche lets out a short barking laugh. “Hardly! You two were just so annoying to watch. I needed to know for sure.”

“Well, now you know,” you say tersely. “We went to the same school all our lives. Our families were friends. But we’re not dating.”

Teucer lets out a series of coughs, stirring in his sleep. His coughing has gotten worse over the last few days. If it doesn’t get better, you’ll need to stop and look for medicine. All of you freeze, and Childe strokes Teucer’s head softly.

“You guys can talk, but try to keep it down,” Childe says. Under the shelter of your blanket, hidden from Scaramouche’s gaze, his pinky grazes yours. You link them together. There’s something intimate about the gesture. Maybe it’s because you’re doing it in secret, right under Scaramouche’s nose.

Scaramouche stares into the fire, unblinking, his gaze reflecting the flames. “So you’ve known him your whole life.” His voice is quieter now, and you try to match his low tone.

“We went to different colleges, though,” you say. “I was majoring in musical performance. Childe and Teucer were visiting me during spring break at my apartment when…” Your voice trails off. There’s no reason to look back to the past. It’ll kill you. It’ll kill you if you stop moving forward, if you think about the family you’ve lost, the stage you can never return to.

“Yeah, we were visiting them when the apocalypse broke loose,” Childe interrupts easily, continuing for you. “We waited a while before fleeing, and we’ve been traveling ever since we heard about government shelters in the north.”

“And what if those communications are lies?” Scaramouche says. “And there’s nothing up there? Or what if it’s a trap?”

“Then we’ll make do,” Childe says. “We’ll survive.”

“It’s easier if we’re together,” you add.

Scaramouche scoffs. “Sure.”

“What about you?” you ask. “Where did you come from?”

“Nowhere,” he says tersely.

“Sure. You just popped out of the ground,” Childe says. “No family? No friends?”

“No one worth talking about,” he says. “Everyone is dead or gone.”

You nudge Childe’s hand with your own, signaling him to drop the issue, and Childe falls silent. There’s no point in pushing Scaramouche about things he doesn’t want to talk about. No one has a happy story these days.

Scaramouche’s eyes drift to your violin case, positioned snugly on the couch. “I can’t believe you’re still carrying that thing with you. You might as well use it for scrap wood,” Scaramouche says.

“I am not doing that! It’s important to me. I know it’s inconvenient, but I can’t just leave it behind.”

“That’s just sentimental drivel,” Scaramouche snarks.

“Maybe it is, but it’s my decision to live with, not yours,” you reply evenly.

“It’s nice to have a little music sometimes,” Childe breaks in. “Not that I know if you understand what it’s like to do things that make you happy. Do you do anything other than glower and scowl?”

“Shut up. You act just like their dog. You’re both hopeless.” Scaramouche stands, still clutching the blanket tightly around him. “I’ve had enough for tonight. Don’t bother me.”

When he stalks off, you lean your head on Childe’s shoulder. “Thanks, Childe.”

“That’s what family and friends are for,” he says lightly. “We look out for each other, especially now. I’m always here for you.”

You really don’t know what you would do without him. Scaramouche’s words stung, not the least because you used to have a crush on Childe when you were younger. Everyone has always teased you about how the two of you were going to wind up dating, but those childish ideas have no place in this dying world. Romance is an embarrassing indulgence, worse than your violin, and love doesn’t seem like the right word to describe what the two of you mean to each other.

It’s like there’s a string, knotted somewhere in the hollow of your heart, tying you to Childe. And everytime his heart beats, you can feel the tug of that string, a reminder of someone who’s more of you than you yourself are. If either of your hearts were to stop, then the string would snap, and the searing pain of that loss would kill you.

No, love isn’t the right word at all. 

“You can sleep. I’ll keep watch,” Childe whispers, and your eyes drift close. You can almost feel the ghost of lips brushing against your forehead, but you’re too sleepy to tell for sure.

The next day, Teucer wakes with a fever burning his skin and shortening his breath. You help Childe carry him to a spare bedroom and pile up the blankets against the chill, but it’s not enough. You melt ice and snow outside into water which Childe uses to dip rags into and cool Teucer’s forehead.

The two of you have been by his side for hours, trying to coax water and stale crackers into Teucer’s mouth, but he only turns away. At some point, Scaramouche has come to hover wordlessly by the door. There’s a tight, almost worried, expression on his face, but you don’t have time to pay attention to him and his shifting moods.

“The fever might still go down,” Childe mutters, but he’s talking more to himself than he is to you. “It’s not that bad yet.”

“We’ll need medicine,” you say. “I’ll go find some. You should stay here and look after him.”

“By yourself?” he says tersely.

“No, Scaramouche will come with me,” you say resolutely. 

“I never agreed to do that,” Scaramouche says, the first words he’s said since he’s shown up.

Childe stands, grip tightening around the rag in his hands to the point his knuckles turn white. “I don’t have time for you right now. Teucer is sick, you asshole. You can either help us or keep your shitty opinions to yourself.” Scaramouche holds Childe’s gaze in one long, hard unblinking moment. You tense, wondering if you’re going to need to shove them apart.

Scaramouche is the first to duck his head. He glances at Teucer’s prone form, then glances away again, too fast for you to decipher the emotion in his eyes. “I’ll go. He needs the medicine. Besides, they–” he jerks a thumb at you– “Would probably die without someone to look after them.”

You bite back all your complaints at his tone. There’s no time for fighting, not when more important things are on the line. “Fine. Then we’re going to head out right now to look for supplies.”

The wait to grab your gear and trek outside is short and tense. The air is bitterly cold, causing your breath to cloud in the air as the two of you slink down sidewalks and alleyways, scanning for any sign of zombies. Snow and ice slick the ground, and the sky has a sickly gray pallor to it, like unhealthy skin.

The nearest grocery store is a half an hour walk away. In the silence, you’re acutely aware of Scaramouche next to you. This is the first time you’ve been alone with him since he started traveling with you. His steps are surprisingly elegant, his posture graceful. Something about him doesn’t strike you as a typical college student; maybe he was a dancer? It wouldn’t surprise you.

But Scaramouche’s past, which he clearly doesn’t want to share with you, isn’t important right now. What is important is Teucer.

The grocery store, once you arrive at it, is as dilapidated as all the others; they were some of the first places to be scavenged. This place reminds you a little of the one you had explored with Childe, almost two weeks before. You shrug off the thought and gesture to the left side of the store, pointing at yourself, and then the right side of the store, pointing at Scaramouche. He nods, and the two of you separate.

Your heart beats an anxious rhythm in your chest as you peer at the shelves, looking for the telltale glint of plastic bottles and wordy labels. You need basic fever medication, or, hell, you would even take an over the counter painkiller. Anything to relieve Teucer’s pain. Without a doctor or proper supplies, if anything were to happen to him… no. You don’t want to think about it.

You browse the shelves, stepping over fallen merchandise, dirty stuffed animals and books with their pages splayed open like ribs. Nothing. Maybe you would make your way to Scaramouche’s side of the story instead; you’re clearly in the entertainment section, and the medical supplies might be further off. 

You round the corner, and run right into a man in a puffy winter coat. You stumble backwards, hands already reaching for your knife, when the man throws his hands up.

“Whoa, take it easy,” he murmurs. 

Despite his words, you keep a hand firmly on the hilt of your knife. You’re close enough that if he makes any suspicious moves, you can easily threaten him or disarm him. The man must realize this, because he backs away a few short steps. 

He has winter boots scruffy with snow, and days old stubble around his neck. His eyes are red and heavy with dark eyebags, his face drawn with exhaustion, and his hair is greasy. You probably don’t look any better.

“Who are you?” you ask.

“Just someone trying to survive,” he says lowly. “I could ask the same of you.”

“Well, it’s the same for me,” you murmur. You can’t sense any signs of aggression or hostility from him. 

“I’m not a threat,” he says again. “Don’t be hasty, stranger. Please. There’s no need for violence. Look. I don’t have any weapons.” He waves his hands again, keeping them spread in front of him.

“How do I know that for sure?”

“Because I’m tired of fighting with every other person I’ve run into. I know the world is shit, but we don’t need to treat others so poorly,” he says, and there’s a creeping edge of genuinity to his voice.

You let out a little breath, then sheaf your knife. Still, it’s close enough that you can grab it if the man turns out to be dangerous.

“What are you doing here?” you ask.

“Looking for supplies. Same as you, I presume?”

“Yeah,” you say softly. You’d be a fool just to trust him based on appearance and kind words alone, as much as you want to believe in his good intentions. It’s probably better not to clue him in on the most vulnerable member of your team.

“Are you by yourself?” the man asks. “Hey, so am I. If you want, we could–”

A soft click of the gun echoes in the air. Both of you tense. “Too bad for you, but they aren’t alone.” Scaramouche digs his gun against the back of the man’s head. His posture is loose, casual, even, as if the man in front of him isn’t trembling like a rabbit.

“What are you doing?” you hiss. 

“Something you’re too stupid to do,” Scaramouche says disdainfully. “Really, I can’t believe you would lower your guard when there’s a threat in front of you.”

“He isn’t a threat!”

“He just wants you to let your guard down,” Scaramouche reasons. “You have no idea what he’s planning to do.”

“I wasn’t planning anything! I just thought– if they were alone, we could just team up– I didn’t have any other intentions!” the man insists, voice shaking. “I won’t do anything to you two, okay? I’ll leave the two of you alone. I promise. Just let me go.”

“And why should I trust that?”

“I’m just trying to survive! Come on, man. You know how it is these days.”

“I know exactly how it is these days,” Scaramouche says, and pushes his gun against the man’s head again.

“Scaramouche,” you say tensely. “Leave him alone.”

“Why? So he can turn around and betray us?”

“I won’t do that. I promise I’ll just go,” the man pleads. “If we see each other again, I won’t even talk to the two of you. Promise. Come on. Just cut me some slack.”

No one breathes. The moment stretches out, distorting before your eyes, stretching into an agonizing infinity. You might have always stood here, watching Scaramouche and this stranger, rooted to the spot, as civilizations rose and fell with a roar in your ears.

“Scaramouche,” you whisper, trying to plead with him again.

Scaramouche momentarily links eyes with you, his gaze as hard as his gun, and the man slowly reaches his hand down– towards his pocket? You can’t tell– you don’t know what he’s doing– and then – before you can say or do anything at all– Scaramouche’s trigger finger flicks and, in the next instant, the man is falling, blood spraying from his head in a wine-red arc, and it’s sickening how graceful the spill is, how the calm the man looks as his eyelids flutter and his mouth slackens, and Scaramouche is quietly slipping his gun back into the holster on his belt.

You couldn’t hear the sound of a gunshot at all. His silencer must have been on. And that’s the worst part, really, how easy it is. How quickly death passes, in seconds, like a butterfly alighting on a branch before flying away again.

This is the way the world is, and you want to cry or laugh or scream, but nothing comes out of your throat at all.

There’s blood. Warm and wet. Spreading in a pool by your feet. The man has fallen down, face first, and his wounds gapes open at you. You don’t even know his name.

Scaramouche crouches down by the man, digging into his coat pockets, before pulling out a switchblade. He flicks the blade out, his smile ghostly in the silver reflection.

“Knew it,” he whispers. “This fucker was reaching for this.”

The moment breaks, and you grab Scaramouche by his jacket, slamming him against a metal shelf. Your breath is heavy and fast, and you can feel the pounding of your own blood through your veins, resounding in your head, louder than thought. You can see the reflection of your own wild animal eyes in Scaramouche’s. 

His eyes are dark and reflect nothing, not even his own thoughts, like a sheet of black glass you can only pound your hands against, over and over.

“What the fuck,” you spit out. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with you?” he drawls. “You should thank me.”

“He was innocent,” you say quietly. “You don’t know if he was reaching for his knife or not. He was just lowering his hands.”

“Really? Be honest with yourself,” Scaramouche says. “What else could he be reaching for?”

“Maybe he wasn’t reaching for anything at all. You don’t know that he was going to grab his knife. You had a gun to his head!”

“People do desperate things in desperate situations. You’re naive,” he says, spitting out the word like a curse.

“And you’re a bitter asshole.” 

You could tear his throat out right now. You could slam his head against the wall until it bleeds. You could do anything to Scaramouche right now, but it wouldn’t matter. A stranger is dead, and you will never know what he was really doing in his final moments.

For the first time, you understand what Childe feels when he raises his weapon against a zombie. 

“Are you going to threaten me all day? Don’t you have more important things to worry about?” Scaramouche says.

Scaramouche is worse than any undead threat. Childe is right. Bringing him along is a mistake. But no matter how you feel, there’s more pressing matters at hand. You clamber off of him, and he dusts down his winter jacket, before throwing something at you. 

You catch it with ease. It’s a bottle of fever medication for children, orange pills encased in thick plastic, happy fruit shaped mascots dancing in front of the packaging.

“I found that. So let’s go back. The noise might have drawn zombies near us,” Scaramouche says.

Before you leave, you manage to cover the corpse with a ratty white blanket that you found shoved in the corner of the grocery store. It’s not much, and you can’t give him a real burial, but the idea of leaving his open body to the air feels wrong.

The silence is suffocating on your way home. Neither you nor Scaramouche speak much to each other. There’s nothing to say.

Back in the house, Childe is still crouched over Teucer’s bedside, holding his brother’s hand and speaking soothingly to him. He probably hasn’t moved since you stepped out of the house. You don’t know where Scaramouche went when you both returned. You don’t want to know.

“You’re back. Are you okay?” Childe asks. 

He knows something is wrong without you saying anything, like some sixth sense or an animal’s intuition. When you sit next to him on Teucer’s bed, he lifts a hand to cup your face. He scans you carefully, as if looking for any sign of visible wounds.

“Childe. If there was someone who we didn’t know was a threat or not, what would you do?” you whisper.

“Easy. I would do what you wanted to do,” Childe says cheerfully. “And you’d probably want to help them.”

“But what if I was wrong?” you press. “What if I trusted someone I shouldn’t have, and then you and Teucer got hurt because of it? Would it be wrong of me to have done that? Should I just have left them alone?”

“I don’t know,” Childe says. He’s stroking soothing patterns on your cheek now, his fingers dancing across your skin. “We wouldn’t know they’re dangerous until they betray us, right? And it would be their fault for betraying you, not yours for trusting them. Besides, if anyone hurt you, I would just kill them.”

“Is it really that easy?” you ask. Killing others, being killed. Trusting others, distrusting them.

Childe shrugs. “Why wouldn’t it be? We take care of each other, right? If you mess up, I’ll cover you. And if I mess up, you’ll do the same. Why? Did Scaramouche say something to you? Want me to punch him?”

You let out a shaky little laugh. “Sort of. Something happened, but I can’t… talk about it right now. I’ll tell you later.”

Childe lets go of your cheek, and before you can react, softly kisses your forehead. His lips are dry and cracked, but what surprises you most is how gentle that single touch is, how cognizant he is of every inch of you. He handles you like you’re more precious than gold, more rare than diamonds.

“I’ll watch over Teucer, so get some rest. Thanks for getting the medicine for me.”

“I’ll take over in a little bit,” you say.

Childe waves a hand in return, and you stumble down the halls. You touch your forehead, where the kiss burns, marking you forever in some intangible way. 

Maybe Childe is your salvation, as much as you’re his. You believe in him more than any god out there, anyways, and if you are to pray, it would be to him. Childe is the only one who will answer your prayers.

By the next morning, the medicine has reduced Teucer’s fever somewhat, but there’s still no point in traveling when he’s too sick to move. For the next two days, all of you are stuck in that house. You and Childe take shifts watching over Teucer. You don’t know where Scaramouche is; he hasn’t shown his face in a while.

In fact, you’re starting to wonder if he’s left permanently. You’re absently polishing your violin in the living room on a slow afternoon, when Scaramouche walks right through the doorway. He’s wearing a backpack, his jacket buttoned tightly to his throat. 

“Do you still plan on bringing that thing with you?” he says.

“Yes. There’s no reason not to. Besides,” you add, “It’s not your business what I decide to bring with me or not. It doesn’t affect you.”

“It’s going to weigh you down,” he says.

“No more than anything else I bring with me,” you say evenly. “It was my dream, you know? To play at a concert hall. To become a famous musician.”

“You’re foolish.”

“What’s your problem?” you ask. “If it bothers you that much, you don’t have to come with us. We can go our separate ways. There’s no reason for you to stick with us anymore.”

“You want to know why? It’s because I knew someone who was just like you. A foolish idiot, who was abandoned by his mother, and then fell into a group of people who he thought he could trust. He thought he could trust them because they saved him, because they were kind and believed in the goodness of others. There was a little kid with them, too, who that boy really cared about. But then they all ended up dying because they trusted the wrong person, and that idiot was left all alone. That’s why I can’t stand you. I can’t stand anyone like him,” he spits out. 

“But it isn’t the boy’s fault for trusting the others,” you argue. “It’s terrible that all of that happened to him, but the one who betrayed him is really at fault.”

Scaramouche laughed. “Well, that’s just the way the world is, and it’s semantics to argue otherwise. The stupid boy shouldn’t have trusted anyone in the first place, and he wouldn’t have gotten hurt. It’ll be best if you learn that before long, instead of clinging to your stupid dreams. Everyone will leave you eventually, you know.”

Something about his phrasing prickles in your mind. Scaramouche, you notice, is wearing boots indoors. He usually takes off his shoes before entering rooms.

Something clicks in his hand. It’s his gun. The silencer is off. For a single moment, you hold your breath, wondering if Scaramouche is going to shoot you in cold blood, right here and right now, and you’ll end up like the stranger in the grocery store.

But no– he doesn’t even look at you. Instead, he heads towards the front door. You don’t even close your violin case as you follow him.

Unease weighs down every step. “What do you mean? Scaramouche? What are you doing with that?”

He doesn’t bother replying before he opens the door, a gust of cold winter air swirling around you. The night sky is bitterly black and cold, like the bottom of the ocean. “You know, I always hated your fucking attitude. Oh, the world is a good place! Oh, you can trust others! Oh, Childe is always going to help me out!” he says, but there’s something gentle about the cruelty in his voice. Like he’s really doing you a favor. “Someone has to put you in your place.” 

“Scaramouche–” Your words are cut off as he raises his gun and fires it into the sky. Once. Twice. Three times. The sound richots off the houses around you and into the depths of the neighborhood, like the toll of a church bell.

And then– groaning. Faint groaning and shuffling, carrying over the wind. In the distance, darkened shapes lurch toward your door, lumpy shadows that are too numerous to count. Congregants, summoned by Scaramouche’s call.

Scaramouche has summoned a zombie hoard to your location. The knowledge hits you just as Scaramouche leaps out the door, giving you one last smile. There’s something bitter curling along his grin, but you don’t have time to interpret the meaning before he waves his gun in a single farwell.

“Good luck,” he says mockingly, and vanishes into the night.

You slam the door closed, heart pounding. Oh god. What are you going to do? The backyard– that’s your best option. You can escape out the back. But, shit. Teucer. Teucer is still recovering. You can’t move quickly with him still sick- and the cold weather could make him worse.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Someone pounds down the stairs. Childe is by your side in an instant, grabbing your shoulders. 

“What happened? Are you hurt?” His eyes are wild, and his fingers cut into your shoulders. “Where’s Scaramouche?”

“He left,” you say numbly. “I’m fine. He didn’t hurt me. It’s just–” Something slams against the door, a wet thud that echoes into your bones. Multiple bodies are beating against the door, and Childe peeks through the peephole. He glances away, his hand around his mouth, and you look, too: it’s an endless sea of corpses. Scaramouche must have summoned the entire town to your door.

“Fuck. Did he do that?” he whispers. There’s an odd edge of elation to his tone, like a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit quite right in your current circumstances. 

“Yes,” you say, and Childe takes your hand, pulling you along, up the stairs. 

“Focus!” he hisses, grabbing onto your face, pulling your gaze up to him. In this moment, the only thing you can focus on is Childe’s eyes, pure and open, like the endless expanse of the sky. “I know he did something shitty, but focus! We have to survive. We have to make a way through this. Okay?”

“Okay,” you whisper.

“I’m here. I’m here for you.”

“You’re here,” you repeat, and Childe lets you go. You slap your cheeks, shaking your head. There’s no time to regret, to mourn, to scream. There’s no choice but to keep moving.

For the next few moments, you and Childe pack two backpacks, shoving them full of whatever supplies you can carry.

You head into Teucer’s bedroom next, where he stirs weakly. “What’s going on?” he mumbles.

“Emergency. We have to go now,” Childe says lightly. Teucer holds out his arms obediently as Childe helps him into his jacket, tenderly shoving a hat on his head, tucking it around his curls of hair.

“Can you walk?” you ask Teucer.

“A little.” His speech is still slurred with fatigue and illness. He’s in no condition to move, but you have no choice.

“I’ll carry you if you get tired,” you say. “Childe and I can take turns.”

He nods, and Childe picks him up. Teucer curls his head into Childe’s shoulder. You grab his radio off the bed stand, and Teucer grips it tightly, close to his chest like a heart.

“You need to put on your jacket, too,” you whisper to Childe. “What, are you going to run out like that?”

Childe smiles. “Not at all.” He guides the two of you to the backyard door. For now, the immediate vicinity is free of zombies: yellowed grass, a barren tree with skeletal arms piercing the sky, a wooden gate with a fragile latch at the very end. In the darkness, you can’t make out anything beyond the fence. It’s better that way, because you know all you see will be zombies piled everywhere.

Childe helps Teucer pull on his backpack, and you slip on your own.

“Not bringing your violin?” Childe asks quietly.

“There’s no room for it,” you say bitterly. Scaramouche is right about that, at least. It’ll just slow you down at this rate. 

Childe sets Teucer down at your words, carefully pulling out a chair for Teucer to lean against. “Wait for us for a little bit, buddy. We’ll be right back.”

Teucer nods absently, and slumps on the chair. He’s playing with his radio again, the static crackling through the air.

Childe guides you to the living room, where your violin case is still open on the floor. He bends over and picks up the rosin, running one thumb over the closed plastic cap, before handing it to you. “I’ll bring you your violin later,” he says. “So just take this with you for now.”

“Childe. What do you mean? You’re coming with us, aren’t you?”

Ever since you were young, Childe has been unable to lie to you. You know him too well for that, and you grab his elbows at the look in his contemplative look in his eyes. He must know better than to try now, because he only smiles at you. His smile is– it’s excited, almost, as it has been since he first saw the zombies around the house. You want to throw your rosin at his fucking face. 

“There are too many zombies around the house right now. Someone needs to be a distraction so the others can get away.”

“But it doesn’t have to be you!” you say desperately. “I can stay, too. I can help you. Isn’t this how we’ve always done this? You and me. We can do this together.”

“Someone has to take care of Teucer. I can’t risk him,” he says quietly. 

“God damn it!” Tears are streaming down your face, and you can’t even wipe them away. 

For a second, you imagine leaving Teucer behind. You’ll drag Childe with you, and just the two of you can leave. Childe has to survive. He has to. He’s the only one in this world you care about anymore.

But Childe would never forgive you if you do. And you would never forgive yourself. How can you think like that? Teucer is a child. You were there when he was born. 

Childe presses his thumb to your face, catching your tears. “I’ll catch up to you guys. I won’t die.”

“You don’t know that! What’s wrong with you? You can’t just leave us like this!” You hold out your hand to him, hoping that he’ll take it, but Childe only looks at it quietly. He doesn’t move to take it. It’s a rejection, your first rejection from Childe.

“I’m not like Scaramouche. I’ll come back to you. I won’t betray you like that. Trust me,” he says. “I’m going to keep both of you safe.”

He kisses you. He kisses you, and all your bubbling complaints are swallowed by his lips. Your hands are trapped against his chest. He kisses you once, and twice, over and over, like he’ll die if he pulls away. Your kisses are salty with your tears. Childe licks your bottom lip, and you finally shove yourself away from him, because you’ll drown in his arms otherwise.

“You promised,” you whisper. “So you better keep it, or I’m going to come back and kill you myself.”

“I’ll always come back to you,” Childe says. “It’s you and me, right?”

You walk back to the dining room, where Teucer is sitting sleepily. Childe has his baseball bat in hand. He kisses his brother’s forehead once. 

“Be good, Teuce,” Childe murmurs. 

“Where are you going?” 

“I have some business to take care of. But I’ll catch up to you soon.” And then, in a low whisper, tha only you can hear, “don’t look back,” he says.

You finger the rosin in your pocket. “I won’t.”

You head out in the backyard, Teucer’s hand in your own, the night air so cold it sears your lungs. You can hear the shuffle of zombies through the fence, too numerous to count. 

You and Childe stare at each other through the glass door for one final time, and then he’s gone, running towards the front door. You head towards the gate, heart hammering in your ears as you listen to the shuffle of zombies. You’ll wait until the noise dies down enough to make a break for it, when he’s drawn most of the attention to himself.

A minute passes. Another. The zombies are slowly lurching past you. There’s noise from the front of the house, but you don’t want to think about what’s going on there. 

When it’s finally silent enough, you burst out into the street, Teucer’s hand in your own. The two of you run, and run, and run.

You don’t know how long you run. At some point, Teucer falters, and you sling both your bags to your front, and pull him onto your back, and keep going, his arms tight around your neck. His forehead burns against your neck. His fever must be flaring up again.

“My brother…” Teucer whispers reedily in your ear. 

“He’s right behind us,” you lie, tears burning your throat and choking your words. “I promise.”

You keep running. You keep running, even when your legs are screaming and your lungs are burning and your breathing is uneven. You keep running until you can’t feel anything anymore, not the ache of your arms or Teucer’s weight on your back. In the endless darkness, you keep going, because if you stop now, then you’ll turn right around and go back to Childe and render his sacrifice meaningless.

Is this your fault? Should you have never trusted Scaramouche and just left him there to fend for himself when you first saw on the highway? Maybe you should have stuck your knife in his ribs yourself the second he pressed his gun to a stranger’s head.

Childe might be dead already. He could be dying right now. But, no, Childe has promised to come after you. He never breaks his promises. He’s always there for you. And now you’ve left him behind, in a zombie swarm.

You remember his smile, too, the way he never hesitates to beat against zombies until they’re pulp on the ground. As much as he loves you and Teucer, he loves the violence of a dying world, too. Does he fight because he wants to protect you, or does protecting you give him an excuse to fight?

Resentment bubbles in your chest, trickling along with your tears. How can he ask you to leave him behind? How can he look excited at the thought of going single handedly against a swarm of zombies?

You can never ask him now.

The world is a cruel place. Your family is dead. Or worse, they’re alive but you’ve abandoned the aunt and uncle who raised you to their fate, without even heading back to your hometown to check if they were still alive. Childe, at least, had the decency to want to go home until it was too late to go anywhere but north. You just wanted to run. 

You should have smashed your fucking violin into pieces when you had the chance, instead of carrying it with you all this way. There’s no concert halls left, no audience, no one who cares about your dead dreams.

Something crackles in your ear. Teucer’s radio, turned so low only you can hear. “Gov… north… repeat… state of emergency… shelter…”

Keep going.

But why are you going? What’s left for you?

Keep running. 

But what if there’s nothing left? What if everyone is dead, and there’s no one up north to help you?

Keep moving forward.

It’s snowing. You don’t know when it started, but snow clings to your lashes like frozen tears. You stumble over something hard, and you crash into the ground, skidding along the icy dirt. You keep a tight grip on Teucer the whole time, and his radio goes silent as it shatters on the floor, into cold metal stars.

“Teucer?” you whisper, but all you can hear is his labored breathing. If he stays in the cold for any longer, he might really die.

Maybe you should just stay here and die with him. You’re too tired to move. The cold is numbing your joints, seeping into your body. You’ve run for so long. You can’t run any more.

“Look,” Teucer whispers in your ear, and you force your eyes up.

In the distance, a bright light glimmers, a firefly in the winter. A fire, or a flashlight. You can’t tell, but you do know what it means. Other people. You’ve found other people. But there’s no guarantee they’ll help you. Maybe they’ll rob you, leave you for dead in the snow. How can you trust anyone else now?

Scaramouche has betrayed you. Childe is… no, Childe isn’t dead. He’s promised you. He’ll come back for you. If you die here, then you can’t wait for him. If he comes to find you, and you’re not there, then you’ll have betrayed him in the worst way.

Childe can hurt and betray you all he wants, but you can’t hurt him.

And Teucer. Teucer is right here, on your back, still clinging with his fragile arms. Still believing in you to keep him safe.

Your rosin is in your pocket. You force a gloved hand into your jacket pocket to feel its worn edges. You’ve used the same one for years, to coat your bow so it can glide over your violin strings, wearing it down to almost a sliver.

You take a breath. Then another. And then you get up, and you head towards the light.

#smh childe coulda had a whole family unit if not for scara being The Worst. As per usual #Violins are such SOMBER INSTRUMENTS. It's always a violin + piano accomoaniment that the hero tragically dies to in a world void of reason #God im scared of the highway too and im not even in an apocalyptic world! Truly a godless place #'Like a necklace of crushed metal' babeeeeeeEEEEEE i am foaming at the MOUTH. these DESCRIPTIONS. The LUXURY that has FALLEN into DISREPAIR. #Its a METAPHOR !! #Omg scara introduced almost dying 😍 i love my babygirlfail #me smiling like an idiot even tho i know what happens and its a childe x reader anyway: 🤪 #The WORST SILLIEST BOY OF ALL. GGRWAARARWRATWR #OHHHHHHHH you saved him on instinct and the bitch is still gonna be like that?? Ok scara fuck u 🙄 #(Thats a legitimate offer btw 😳 gotta repopulate somehow...) #Im so sorry if i focus on scara. Hes changed my brain chemistry and made me more insufferable than ever #Btw hes so funny. Bitch you didnt HAVE to join them! You coulda said no and taken a diagonal route! Makin everything worse. #Whats the opposite of pop off king? idk. fuck off loser ig #How funny would it be if scara was still a puppet in this au. Doesnt need to eat and cant turn but still makes things miserable for others #because he's an ass <3 #OK IM DONE W SCARA. MAYBE. FOR NOW #Although the image of all four of the group huddling in a car is kinda funny #Three bros in the back seat and a stranger up front. Totes nornal and fine #OMG JEAN AND BARBARA JUMPSCARE. I THINK #The dread in here is PALPABLEEEEEEEE!!!! #Throwing up. Dont HURT ME i am SOFT #I would be crying every day in a zombie apocalypse frfr #Ok actually im not done with scara. You made him too SEXY #Like if this was twd I'd hate his character but because i love him previously its hotter the more apathetic he is #Sorry. Sorry. Im nornal. I prommy girl im so normal #NSNGKELVKSOVKWOCKWPF SORRY THIS IS A SERIOUS FIC BUT #'Scara is worse than the apocalypse. He literally sucks more than the actual end of civilization as we know it' BYEEEEEEEEEEE #Godddd Childe being as all men should: even in the end of the world i will never disrespect my queen #'I'll tell you later' ahhh so this is when he dies. Got it #💫 leo ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{recs}

[chouettecrivaine]

#me @ leona #🔭 gemini ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{reblogs}

[chouettecrivaine]

I was so excited to play the touchstarved demo after my finals over but I can't download it cuz my laptop keeps saying I dont have permission which makes no sense when I'm the admin ???? Any idea what I can do ?

Well are you on windows or do you have whatever an Apple laptop is called again? And are you downloading from itch.io or steam? If you can send a screenshot or tell me exactly what the error message says theres a small chance i might be able to help you? Although fair warning I'm not tech support and you might have better luck googling for yourself :P

#💬 taurus ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{asks} #★~ anonymous

[chouettecrivaine]

Now that the touchstarved trailer song is publicly available if i can finish one of these fics tonight I'll treat myself to some music ramblings

#⭐ aries ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{gen} #ive been sitting on these observations for like half a YEAR #or whenever backers got the song i forgor when it was fkvjsjek

[chouettecrivaine]

Finish your Fic Saturday with the Dr Ratio idea? :blushes:

DR. RATIO. MY UNEXPECTED BIAS 💜💙❤️💜

As far as you knew, Dr. Ratio's presence at the station wouldn't interfere with your work at all. The fact that you saw him at all was a surprise. You spent most of your time in the analysis center, crunching numbers and creating new graphs for the higher-ups to digest. Ratio was here for an entirely separate matter.

But the numbers didn't lie, and if they were truly saying what you were reading…you needed a second opinion.

I have changed direction on this one like five times lol but im actually super excited about this one because i am basing it off of a psychological theory that i think about ALL THE TIME. You’ll find out when I post it though ;)

#💬 taurus ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{asks} #★~ anonymous

[chouettecrivaine]

YOO WHAT THESE FIC IDEAS R FIREEEEEE OMGGG AM I ALLOWED TO ASK ABOUT ALL OF THEM???? STOP I CANT CHOOSE ONE THIS IS INSANE. someone COOKED here.... im especially excited abt the touchstarved fic tho! there is like ZERO touchstarved fics i literally SCOUR the tags every few business days and theres NOTHING. ITS DESOLATE. thank you for feeding the touchstarved community user chouettecrivaine we heart you

Omg ahhhh ty ty nonnie ^^ youre more than welcome to send in more than one ask, or asks about fics that have already gotten asks, or whatever! The more requests i get, the closer I'll get tk actually finishing a fic :')

So this is the beginning for Mhin's section since that's the last one I worked on!

Rolling their eyes, Mhin grabbed your arm and tugged. They kept their hands firmly above your bandages, gaining a leverage strong enough to rip your arm out of your socket. You gritted your teeth and eventually wriggled yourself out of the hole. Stunbling onto the concrete floor, you allowed Mhin to steady you with their hands on your shoulders while a cascade of sizable pebbles rained onto the floor after you.

“You said you were familiar with stealth missions,” Mhin grumbled.

“You said we would be going somewhere with easy access,” you shot back.

I can never resist the opportunity to make them get physical with reader (so they can get flustered after) or giving them reasons to be sassy at reader. It's FUN. When I say i like Mhin's push and pull with feelings i meant literally actually. I like to physically push and pull them

Also THANK YOU...I'm sure the tag is full of gems but I'm also sure it's a small community since we're still very much pre-release. Hopefully I can get this finished soon to give you something to nibble on 👉👈

#💬 taurus ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{asks} #★~ anonymous

[chouettecrivaine]

kenna my beloved........ for the finish your fics saturday thing.... may I be a little crazy and request both the fics about sparkle and lyney <3 ily

omg my beloved......my boobear hello.......anything for u 🥰 I'll start with the sparkle fic!

Sparkle was used to flimsy desire. The things that sparked her attention lost it just as quickly. She wasn't used to being enthralled so thoroughly, much less by something she couldn't attain. Sparkle knew she was a woman of taste, though, and she trusted that her enrapture was well founded.

Unfortunately, such trustworthy taste didn't seem to have blessed you as it had her.

So idk what to say about this without giving it all away BUT i can say thaf Sparkle is a lot of fun to write teehee. I just love giving characters who arent attached to anything something to be attached to that doesnt want to be attached to them in return <3

And Lyney !

You gave your best attempt at a smile - the one that Capucine always said looked more like a grimace or a disgruntled cat - and nodded. Katherine mimicked the movement, flipping through the pages of her ledger to tally up your commission rewards. You let out a breath and leaned against the guild's counter while you waited. The last rays of the afternoon sun warmed the back of your head as it slipped beneath the court walls. With the image of it slowly sinking, your head began to do the same until you were resting it on your arms.

This is the first snippet I've written in a hot second for this fic because I just needed a break. Teehee. But im actually really interested in writing a reader thats a member of the Adventurer's guild? I'm realizing? Actually i dont think it's explored ENOUGH in game what it means to be an adventurer. Expect more adventurer readers in the future because this is FUN

Thank u my love for having my back always owo

#🤍 libra ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{mutuals} #💬 taurus ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{asks} #★~ dulcesia

[chouettecrivaine]

Finish Your Fics Friday Saturday

I saw somebody doing this and thought it might be fun and give me a little push! Basically, all you have to do if you wanna nudge me is just send me an ask with one of my WIPs (listed below) and I'll write 5 more sentences for it + chat a little about the fic!

WIPs (all x reader)

Lyney and the shadows (Genshin)

Dr. Ratio catching feelings (HSR)

Touchstarved main cast and sharing a book

Sunday going sicko mode (overprotective) (HSR)

Sparkle being crazy in love (HSR)

Ideally I'll be answering throughout the day but I'll finish them Sunday at the latest! There isn't a hard cutoff for you to stop sending asks in either, it'll probably just be a loose 'when i wake up on Sunday morning' thing lol so feel free to join in!

P.S. if you wanna join and do this yourself, tag me in your post and I'll send you an ask too!

#⭐ aries ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{gen}

[chouettecrivaine]

KENNA!! Have you seen the new updated demo for our life: now and forever? if so, what do you think about it? personally, I’m obsessed 🥴🩷 hope you’re having ab amazing day MWAH

God this is SO LATE BUT YES! I did the day it got updated lol im so PUMPED!! I backed the kickstarter to and every update that's posted gets me more excited. I can't wait for the eventual demo expansions!!!

I've made OCs for a Qiu and Tamarack route seperately lol and originally the Qiu OC was gonna be the catch-all OC but now I'm toying with a poly route OC as well......much 2 think about. Good thing I have forever to decide (is siffering inpatiently but supportively)

ANYWAY I hope you've had an amazing. God what's it been now. Few months? Yeah, i hipe you're doing well 💖

#💬 taurus ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{asks} #★~ avis-writeshq

[chouettecrivaine]

fbi’s most wanted is a personal favorite but the one you’ve been waiting for has a special place in my heart

may i add a suggestion: your unhonorable honor

LMAO just add as many adjectives you want tbh. Its a test to see how much they truly love you and what shenaigans they're willing to put up with 🧡🤎💛❤️

My personal fave was actually 'your host' because it's short, sweet, understandable and who doesn't want to be introduced like the late legend Alex Trebek????

#💬 taurus ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{asks} #★~ anonymous

[chouettecrivaine]

Just to clarify is 20+ your age or rating ?

It's my age! I'll be turning 24 at the end of the month but I don't like have my exact age just blatantly in my bio/pinned most of the time :P

#💬 taurus ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{asks} #★~ stygianoir

[chouettecrivaine]

OH MY GOD I HAVE OLD ASKS IN MY INBOX. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN IM SO SORRY

#⭐ aries ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{gen}

[chouettecrivaine]

how to let you go.

summary: in every life, casper is sent to take your soul as punishment.

notes: 2.4k words, author's notes, angst, casper calls reader beautiful if anyone doesn't like that descriptive term

You were still as beautiful as the day Casper lost you.

This was his punishment, born for centuries. It was also his salvation, to see you again, as radiant as life itself, your mouth crinkling into a smile, and your easy, effortless movements. To you, this was just another day, where you were young and careless and so sure of your own life, as if not even jealous death could steal you away. 

Before Casper had undergone his mission, his coworkers had asked if he would be able to recognize you. Their eyes crinkled in that familiar gesture of pity, apprehension, and slight condescension, as they had looked at him for the past hundreds of years since his initial sin.

“Even if their soul is the same, they’re going to look different. They won’t even remember you,” one had said. “They might not even love you again. What’s the point?”

“I still love them,” he said shortly, standing abruptly. “And their soul is mine to take. That’s the point.”

His coworkers had shook their heads. A hopeless case, they called him. “He used to be the best, and look what happened. He went and fell for his own target.”

Let them talk. The gossip had never abated no matter how many years passed. No one would understand, and he didn’t need them to.

Now, Casper watched you walk below from his perch on a nearby roof. You were so beautiful. Where were you off to? Perhaps to see a friend. Or back off to your apartment. There was a drink in your hand, which made his mission that much easier if he had an excuse to talk to you. He absorbed the sight of you for only a few seconds more. Time to start.

He leapt down softly, just a few paces in front of you, and unveiled his glamor. With no room to maneuver around him, you bumped into him, your drink sloshing onto his shirt. Tea soaked into his clothes, and you stumbled backwards– though he grabbed your arm before you could fall.

“Oh shit! I’m so sorry,” you said. “Are you okay? I should have been more careful.”

“I’m fine,” he said. “It’s not like I got burnt.”

“Let me make it up to you. I think there’s a laundromat nearby– uh, how much did your shirt cost? I think stains don’t show that much on black fabric, but I could pay if you needed me to.” 

“Are you sure you could afford it?” he said, eyebrows raising.

You chuckled nervously. “Well… maybe not… Still! I’d like to make it up to you! Here, let me give you my number.” You fished a pen out from your bag, but groaned. “Shit, I don’t have any paper in here.”

“Just write it on my hand,” he said, holding out his hand, palm out.

“Okay. Okay, let me do it.” You pressed the pen lightly to his skin, scribbling your number on his palm. “I live close by, so if you ever want to meet up to talk about this some more…”

“So do I,” Casper said. “In fact, I live in that building over there.” He pointed to a squat apartment building on the block, and your eyes widened.

“No way! I live there, too. We’re neighbors,” you said admiringly. “What a coincidence.”

Casper smiled, as if he hadn’t arranged to live in your building himself. “I suppose so.”

You nodded. “It’s like fate. Like we were meant to meet, or something.” You flushed. “Oh, I’m not trying to hit on you or anything– unless, you’d like that? Ah– Sorry. I literally just knocked my drink all over you.”

“I wouldn’t mind,” he murmured, his own ears turning pink. “If it was from you.”

“How flirtatious,” you said, fanning yourself with your hand. Cute.

“I’m not normally this forward with strangers. Maybe it’s just you,” he said.

You wiggled your eyebrows. “So I’m special? That’s really nice to hear. You know how to charm a person.”

Ah, here it was again: your smile. Your laughter. Your teasing. This was what his coworkers didn’t understand; Casper would have plunged into despair, again and again, if only for your touch to lift him right back out of it.

—

The next few weeks passed in a haze of happiness. This was his respite: the moments between meeting you and taking your soul, when he could just bask in your warmth like the sun. After the initial meeting, you opened up to him like a flower. Though he had to initiate the first few meetings, after a while, it was you who badgered him constantly to come over to watch a new show, or just to have dinner together.

“This is like, weird, but sometimes I feel like I’ve known you for a long time,” you confided in him once. “I know we didn’t even meet that long ago, but you feel familiar to me. Is that crazy to say?”

“I think you’re just hitting on me,” he accused. “Just say you were captivated by my endless charm.”

“Charm?” you scoffed, batting a pillow at him. “What charm? You’re so full of yourself.”

“You’re into it,” he said.

You stuck your tongue out at him. “You wish. I just put up with you so I can hang out with Azrael!” To emphasize your point, you picked up his plushie, hugging him tight to your chest.

“Hey! Azrael is mine,” he complained, and you burst into laughter as he tried to gently tug the plushie out of your grip.

For a beautiful few weeks, he could exist by your side, like an ordinary mortal man would do for the one he loved. Casper drank in your smile, the easy way the two of you fell into routine. He had done this a thousand times, and each time, it was as effortless as two puzzle pieces slotting in together. The only place he truly belonged was by your side, and each time, though your body didn’t remember, your soul did. 

“Casper!” He heard you before he saw you. You ran and tackled him in a hug, arms wrapping his waist. He staggered under your weight, before effortlessly wrapping his arms around you and righting himself. His heart pounded under the proximity of your warmth and nearness.

“You almost killed me,” he said.

“You survived!” 

“What’s with the rush?” he asked, raising a hand to stroke circles on your back. You were in the apartment hallway, and he lowered his voice in case someone could hear.

“Eh… I can’t just hug you because I like you?”

“There’s always another motive with you,” he said.

“Well…” you pulled back, batting your eyelashes at him mischievously. “I can’t just miss you?”

“Ah, now we’re talking sense. You just couldn’t stay away from me.”

Your eyes turned serious. “Well, what if I couldn’t? What if I liked being by your side?”

His hands stilled. Your gaze stirred a storm in his heart. As it had before, and as it would in the future. “Then I would say that… I wouldn’t dislike that.”

“You should just be honest and say that you like spending time with me,” you teased.

He let out a little sigh, heat rising to his face. “Maybe I do.”

What was he to do? Was there any way to prolong this moment, to stretch it into infinity, so he could hold you for the rest of time?

—

Like any dream, his time with you had to come to an end. And like with every dream, Casper had to shatter it to pieces with his own hands.

On a starlit night, after you had convinced him to sneak onto the roof with you (“It’s easy! They leave the rooftop door unlatched!”), your face remained immobile in the darkness as he confessed his sins to you. 

“I was sent to take your soul,” he explained calmly. “I’ve always been sent to kill you, to reap your soul, in every life. It’s my punishment, you could say.”

Your lips parted, unbelieving. “Punishment? For what?”

“For loving you,” he said. “And for you returning my affections.”

“That’s not fair.”

“There’s no fairness in life. The only fairness is in death.”

In the darkness, he can’t make out your expression, but the light reflects in your eyes like miniature suns.

“So you’ve had to kill me, just because we fell in love? That’s not okay,” you protested. “How… how many times have you and I…?”

Casper looked up at the sky, as if the stars could tell him the answer. They only winked down coldly at him. “I’ve lost count. It’s been hundreds of years.”

“Hundreds...” you said. “And you… you say you’ve loved me all that time? Why? I mean, I can’t be the same person as you first fell for. Why would you do all of this for me?”

“Because it’s you,” he said simply. “I’ll always fall in love with you, even if I try to stay away. In every life, in every time, I’ll make that decision.”

“You must have been lonely,” you said. You hugged him, pulling him into your arms. You felt like a lighthouse, mooring him in the dark waters of the night.

“Aren’t you mad at me? I just confessed to killing you in every life.”

“I don’t know,” you said honestly. “I’m just thinking that this sucks. This sucks so fucking much, but I… I’ve always felt like I’ve known you, ever since we met. I guess that feeling makes a lot more sense now.” You took a breath, as if you were steeling yourself. “And, you know what, this is crazy, but I think something in me has always been waiting for you. It’s like something just clicked when you showed up. But even if it wasn’t for our freaky soul connection, I chose this, you know?” You ran a hand lovingly through his hair, delicately kissing a strand. “I chose to love you.”

“Then what do you want to do?” he whispered. Here it was again, the choice he offered you in every life.

“Let’s run away,” you said resolutely. “Let’s run away for as long as we can. I want to stay with you. I mean, you’ve been waiting for me forever, right? Then we have to make the most of this time.”

And there it was, the answer that never wavered, no matter how many times he asked you this question. Your answer glittered like a precious gem which Casper held reverentially. No matter who you became, or what happened, your soul remained the same. You always chose him.

“You’ll still die in the end,” he warned. “No one lives forever. They will send people after us.”

“Then let them. I mean…” you pulled the lapels of his jacket, so you could stare into his eyes. “You know what, Casper? Being loved so much by death is kinda romantic. Besides, if I’m gonna die anyways, I might as well enjoy myself. If someone has to take my soul, then I want it to be you, okay? No one else.”

“Okay,” he breathed, and then you kissed him, and it felt like a thousand galaxies bursting to life in his heart. Overhead, a star streaked across the sky like a tear.

Casper already knew how your story would end. It would end as it had done a thousand times before, with the two of you being caught, upon which he would be forced to take your soul yet again. But in this endlessly repeating cycle, all that truly mattered was this moment: your lips on his, and a kiss that burned brighter than the sun.

—

In the first life, in your final moments, you had looked at him so tenderly, even though he had been the one who doomed you. You, who had been loved by death, had paid the price for it.

“I’m going to curse you,” you whispered. You held his hands in a way he had never deserved, clutching them close to you like a lifeline.

“Sunshine…” he said. You were the ones clinging on to his hands, but he was the one who tightened his grip, because this was the only road that led to you. Tears fell, against his will, splattering onto your face. 

“My cute little reaper…” you said weakly. “You’re not allowed to forget me, do you understand? No matter who else you kill. No matter who you met. Even if you fall in love again. You have to remember me. Carry me with you everywhere, do you understand?”

“Why are you saying this to me?” Casper whispered. His voice shook, as fragile as a spring bud which had sprouted during the winter, with no protection from the frost. A sprout, always reaching for the sky above, even as its roots numbed and its leaves blackened, because what else was there to do, but long for what one couldn’t have?

You smiled like the sun, even when your life was draining out of you. “Because I’m cursing you, silly. If you kill me now, then I’m going to haunt you for the rest of your life. You’re mine.”

You let out a strangled breath, and it was time for you to go. Casper tugged the last of your soul out of your body. There was a slight resistance, as if your soul was still clinging to its home, before like strings snapping, your soul slipped pliantly into his hands. You jerked, eyes shuttering closed, your mouth slack, like an empty house with no one to warm its halls any longer.

Still, Casper tugged your body closer to him, arms wrapping around you, as if his cold skin could somehow prevent your skin from cooling. As if, with enough force, he could tether you to him again.

“I’m yours,” he whispered, even as your head lolled back. “I’m yours, Sunshine. I promise. So haunt me. Don’t let me forget you. Curse me, again and again. You’re so selfish. So, so selfish.” His hands trembled, and he placed a feather light kiss on your lips. “You’ve claimed me, so you better make good on your words. You– you have to come back. No matter what.”

A kiss, then another. He would be punished. He knew this. You would be punished, too. But no matter if a hundred years passed, or a thousand, Casper would never forget you. Even if your bones turned to dust. Even if your name was lost to history. Even if no one remembered that you existed, and the earth forgot the touch of your steps, he would love you. He would love you, and chase you to the ends of eternity. 

For he was death, and you were his mortal, and this was how death loved best.

#💫 leo ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{recs} #🤍 libra ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{mutuals} #when i say i'm not strong enough for this............. #i talk big game for a girl who cries twice a day. and this made me bring it up to three #casper like: ohhhhh my punishment is to see my beloved again and again? hehehe weak- i mean OHHHH how could you..... #although how funny is it that casper is like “i love you in every lifetime” and reader is like “oh bet?” just like that #truly. soulmates #FANTASTIC AS ALWAYS B <3 #a date with death #casper

[chouettecrivaine]

love me like a bruise.

summary: the only way to know what mhin tastes like is through leander.

notes: 1.5k words, author's notes, mildly suggestive content (mhin and reader implied to be sleeping together), jealousy, alcohol consumption (reader might be drunk and making very bad decisions), very complicated relationships (mhin and leander were once a thing, leander taunts you about mhin, mhin has emotional hangups etc)

“They’ve never even kissed you, have they?”

It’s a low, whispered comment from Leander, one you can barely hear over the sound of raucous laughter and jeering voices crowding the Wet Wick. But your hands tighten around your mug, and you hunch over your murky drink, your reflection peering back at you from the depths.

Leander, elbows pressed lightly on the wooden counter, dips his head in sympathy. “I’m right, aren’t I?”

“It’s none of your business,” you say thinly, but your denial is an answer of itself, and his smile– his damned slippery smile, as repugnant as a slimy fish pulled from the river– only grows.

“I didn’t even say their name,” he says mildly. 

“Shut up.”

Leander clicks his tongue, raising a hand to press on your shoulder. It’s a gentle, insistent pressure, but it roots you to your seat. “I’m just worried about you. I told you, right? That they’re not someone you can trust.”

“I don’t need you to warn me. I can take care of myself,” you say.

“I know, I know. I just want to look out after you.” 

“I don’t need your concern.”

Leander tilts his head, shadows falling across his face. “If you don’t want me to be concerned, then you shouldn’t come into my bar, looking miserable. Then I wouldn’t worry so much.”

In response, you jerk his hand off your shoulder. Leander lets it fall, watching as you pick up your drink and swallow, one long bitter gulp, before slamming it back down on the table. 

“It’s empty. Refill, please, bartender,” you say pointedly.

“As you wish,” he says, picking it up and disappearing down the corner.

You watch the crush of bodies around you, lovers intoxicated on Leander’s shitty drinks curled around each other like cats, friends throwing down cards and chips on damp tables, all cast in a dim green sheen from the hanging lights.

You’re the only one here alone. Maybe if Ais or Vere or even Kuras were around tonight, you wouldn’t need to drink to feel like you also had someone you belonged to.

There is one person that you particularly want to be by your side, who would chase away all your bitter feelings, but you don’t know if they feel the same. Because, gods, Leander is right. They’re the one person you really want to be by your side, is the one person farthest from reach.

Mhin. Your partner, in more ways than one. Your business partner, of course. The two of you get along particularly well in that regard, scouring the streets of Eridia for information. But it’s also easy to slip into their bed every night, to brush their silver hair across the pillow, to cup their reddening face. But they’re always gone in the morning. They would let you hold them, but never any further than that.

The first time you tried to kiss them, they cupped their hand around your mouth, eyes like flint. “Don’t.” And so you had to make do with biting their neck, teeth sinking sharper than a kiss, running a thumb over the marks which would fade in time. 

You never tried to kiss them again, even though their plump lips and the kissable mole next to the corner of their mouth was irresistible. 

It’s funny, in all honesty. How they spurned you from holding their hand on the streets, flinching away like an alley cat, but they never refused your touch at night. It was a line you weren’t allowed to cross, the message as clear as day: you could desire them, but you couldn’t love them.

And so you’re stuck, in a relationship of push and pull. How far are you allowed to go? What did it mean, to Mhin, for the two of you to be together?

As if summoned by your thoughts, someone slinks through the half open-door like a dream. It’s Mhin. They haven’t seen you yet, so you take a few moments to observe them, the way they dodge effortlessly between stumbling bodies, hood drawn tight over their face.

Cute. They’re cute, and you will never meet a person as beautiful as them again.

A drink clunks down in front of you, heavy with foam. Leander puts his hand on your shoulder, pulling you back to face him. He’s still smiling, but there’s an edge to it now. He leans closer, an intimate gesture.

“They’re cute, I know,” he whispers, his breath fogging your ear. “A good kisser, too. I didn’t expect it, the first time we were together.”

Before you know what you’re doing, your hands are grasping his lapels, and you’re yanking him closer to you. What sort of expression are you making? Your eyes are wavering, hazy, and your teeth are bared in a snarl. The alcohol is pounding through your head. “Shut up, Leander.”

You don’t care. You don’t care if Mhin has been with other people. So have you. It’s none of your business. That’s not what your relationship is. Mhin has drawn a firm line. You know where you stand in their life.

“Do you want to know?” Leander whispers. “What they taste like?” His eyes, dark and heavy, hover over your lips.

You kiss him. But it’s not a kiss, because you are all lips and teeth, and Leander is pliant underneath you as you rip his mouth apart, like a waiting prey animal. There’s the taste of cheap ale, and not much else as you devour him. You tug his lower lip between your teeth, biting hard enough to break skin. He gasps as you pull back, blood beading along his lip.

“Wow,” he says wonderingly, drawing one thumb to wipe along his lip, licking at his own blood. “You’re wilder than I expected.”

You’re panting as you wipe your hand across your mouth. Is this anything like what happened when Mhin and Leander kissed? Did they kiss him like this? Or did he kiss them? “Shut up. I’m never doing this again.”

Leander jerks a thumb behind you, and you whirl to see Mhin, with a hardened expression, watching the two of you. They meet your eyes, and duck their head, turning towards the exit. You stumble out of your seat.

“I’ll see you soon,” Leander calls after you, but you ignore him as you slam past complaining patrons and out the door, the cool night air whipping you in the face after the stale warmth of the Wet Wick.

Where is Mhin? What are they thinking? Did they see? How much did they see?

There’s a pale hand wrapping around your wrist, and the alcohol makes your steps clumsy and head fuzzy as someone drags you to a nearby alley, slamming you against the rough brick wall. Mhin. It’s Mhin, and their eyes are as sharp as a blade against your neck.

“What were you thinking?” they hiss.

“What?” you say.

“Kissing him! Kissing Leander!” they say again. They still have a hold on your wrist, and their grip is bruising.

“Why not?” you say. “What does it matter who I kiss? It’s not like we have that sort of relationship, right?”

They reel back as if you’ve slapped them, dropping your hand. You almost miss their touch. You wonder if it’ll leave a mark in the morning, just like a hickey. “Leander is… not someone you can trust,” they say.

“Funny. He said that about you, too. Mhin… why do you care so much?” Now you’re stepping towards them, and they move backwards slowly with each step you take, right until they’re the one backed against the wall. You lean in so close you can see the sweat beading along their cheek, the faint scent of iron and flesh. “Who were you jealous of?”

“What?”

“Who were you more jealous of?” you whisper into their ear, sensing how Mhin tenses beneath you, their heart racing like a trapped animal. “Me, or Leander? I mean, you won’t kiss me, but you’ll kiss him. How am I supposed to understand that?”

They shove you, hard, and you almost trip over your own feet before they grab you hastily, pulling you upright.

“You’re drunk,” they spit out. But there’s something raw in their eyes, fragile. “Go home. You don’t even know what you’re saying right now.”

They’re holding onto your elbow, gently guiding you back to the entrance of the Wet Wick. Why are they holding you like this? It’s so unfair. They should just leave you drunk in the alleyway, not take care of you like they worry over what happens to you. Neither of you speak, and they pull open the door for you.

“Leander will at least help you to your bed,” they mutter to themself, as if you aren’t right there. “So it should be fine as long as he can see you… And you’ll be around people…”

“Mhin,” you whisper, and they glance at you, and down at your lips as your mouth moves. “Will you kiss me?”

They close their eyes, lips pressed tight, as if they’re making a wish. You can’t read their expression anymore as they push you through the door. ���Just go home.”

The door shuts behind you like a tomb, and you’re enveloped in the noisy, warm, damp atmosphere of the bar again. You press your thumb against your bottom lip, chasing the lingering taste of your drunken kiss. Maybe if you close your eyes, you can find Mhin’s taste there.

#there's something about reading a fic with leander romance that makes me feel like i'm being held in a hostage situation #/pos btw LMAOOO #he is at the TIPPY! TOP! of my list of men i do not trust my drink with #leander. why did you have to go out of sight to pour my drink. squints #i have no idea if you meant to imply something or im just overthinking but i am. SUSPICIOUS #anyway MHIN!!! #man mhin can't fuckin have anything. they don't even like the tavern #they go in intending to be sour and give you mixed signals and get mad when THEY are the one being disappointed #mhin malding because u did the cockblocking for once instead of them #even tho. it's still them tbh. for just running away instead of like addressing that at all #love them. no progress is being made just how i like my messy rls #mhin like: ummmmm exsqueeze me??? you are MY emotional punching bag. I want to be the person u hurt the most. we had something special??? #mhin when being manhandled requires them to be within gentle and tender touching distance too: 😔😔😔 #anyway BANGER!!!!! #you put the STAR in touchstarved my bbg thank u for ur service #💫 leo ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{recs} #🤍 libra ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{mutuals} #touchstarved #mhin

[chouettecrivaine]

Love's the Only Medicine [Honkai: Star Rail]

Fandom: Honkai: Star Rail

Characters: Dr. Ratio

Notes: SO. First off, those of you waiting on Lyney fic, it is postponed for now because I'm stuck :( but for now I'm working on a Dr. Ratio fic and I'm having a little trouble so these are my headcanons for how a good/healthy relationship with him would actually work because I love to write fluff all the time <3

So, how does one go about romancing the Dr. Veritas Ratio?

∘∙⊱⋅•⋅Have independence. Dr. Ratio is a busy man, and while he'd of course value your relationship (why else would he be in a relationship in the first place?), he wouldn't fare well with someone who is the clingy type. A relationship that would work best for him is one where you share in each other's missions, victories, and defeats as best as you can without melding your lives into one singular identity. With the exception of certain instances where you worked with him prior to the relationship starting/getting serious (though even then, he might drop the idea of separating your work paths a little bit to ensure there is no space for rational, scientific endeavors to be tangled with personal emotions), Dr. Ratio is perfectly content to with a relationship where some aspects of your lives don't always cross. Of course he wants to spend time with you! He just appreciates his own ability to act independently and keep work and personal matters separate. (Plus I feel like he'd find independence kinda attractive anyway :P)

∘∙⊱⋅•⋅Keep him grounded. Dr. Ratio gets lost in his thoughts frequently. He understands that facts and calculations can only go so far in the real world (though they could go MUCH FURTHER in his opinion, hence his cosmic mission to eradicate foolishness) but he loves finding the rational, mathematical answer to things. It'll be up to you to navigate a little bit more expertly on this plane. If he's trying to piece together a solution to a planet's hunger crisis, well, maybe let him sort through his lofty thoughts then. But if he's simply ignoring the world and thinking for the sake of it, you'll be able to get away with poking him out of the stupor and getting him to actually communicate with the world around him.

∘∙⊱⋅•⋅Be the people person, but don't apologize for him. Veritas has a tendency to rub people the wrong way. He's rude, abrasive, and arrogant. When others say such things without realizing you're nearby, you AGREE with them. But these are all things he knows, too. In most cases, how the reception of information makes somebody feel doesn't particularly concern him. But sometimes, especially now that he's actively placing himself in the social situation of being in a relationship, talking with people in a constructive way is necessary. He's fine with defaulting to you in these instances if it makes you feel useful. However, it is simply a matter of leaving a task to the one who knows better. If you start apologizing for his silence or a prior brash attitude, though, then he gets a little prickly. He stands by his behavior! Don't make him out to be someone you should have to apologize for or ashamed of.

∘∙⊱⋅•⋅Have clear communication skills. Listen. Veritas is an eloquent speaker, and he says exactly what he means to. However...good communication is more than just saying words that mean exactly what you want them to. You have to present information in a way that others can receive, and that's where he falls flat. The onus will fall to you to exemplify that sort of skill. Now, you don't have to teach him step-by-step how to talk nicely, but being able to do so yourself and give him a gentle nudge when it really matters will go a long way in ensuring you're talking to each other and not at each other.

∘∙⊱⋅•⋅Argue with him. Like, not actually. Argue with him academically. Veritas has stated that he feels incorrect on a matter if people agree with him. So don't agree with him! Don't spark debate just for the sake of it, but you shouldn't be afraid to voice your opinion when it goes against his. Dissent is the forebear of accuracy, after all. He won't be gentle with his arguments, but he never means to condescending when you're sharing your scholarly ideas. (Plus, this will help you get accustomed to when he is actually trying to argue you in a less casual context)

∘∙⊱⋅•⋅His love language? Quality time. Wanted all across the galaxy to solve this crisis or that, Dr. Ratio is a busy, busy man. So when you come in at the top of his list of priorities, that's how you know he's in deep. If you receive a certain love language particularly well, he can adapt! But his default is both to give and receive quality time. Even just time together that isn't attentive and specifically for each other can mean a lot to him. If you're both busy with work, he can be placated by attending to your duties but staying in the same room as each other. Don't worry about distracting him, either - as of late, he finds himself distracted when you aren't around, and at ease when you are.

∘∙⊱⋅•⋅Have a hunger for knowledge. It can be intimidating to hear him denounce all fools of the universe when he doesn't give many specific answers as to what a fool is. Veritas doesn't care about a lack of knowledge; what he cares about is a lack of awareness and a lack of trying. He'd be a fool himself if he pretended as though everyone had the same access to the same level of education, or that there weren't people who gravitated towards certain skills. After all, he's widely regarded as a genius, but you don't exactly see him releasing academic journals on any musical studies, do you? (Now, could he write one? Probably. But that's not the point.) As tough of a teacher as he is, what he's after is undying tenacity; that you never falter in the face of obstacles, and that you never place your scholarship on a shelf so high it winds up collecting dust, unused. If you don't know something, that's fine - go figure it out! Don't just say 'I don't know' and leave the matter at that. Learning through experience is an incredibly strong way of gathering knowledge. Just...don't expect him to be any nicer about your lack of prior knowledge just because you are close to him or you are trying to remedy that. At the end of the day, you did fall in love with a guy who's just kind of an ass sometimes :/

∘∙⊱⋅•⋅Be honest. This is one that could go for anybody in any relationship, but it is a top priority for Dr. Ratio. He's based his entire life on searching and spreading absolute truth in every corner of the cosmos. Normally, this takes the form of objective, empirically provable fact. But he finds it frustrating if you won't be honest about your feelings or what you want, how is he to know what to do? You'll have him acting like a fool with your refusal to face your own truth! (This is, of course, a roundabout way of saying that he doesn't have it in him to be playing games. Be straightforward with him, please. It'll be much easier for the both of you that way.)

∘∙⊱⋅•⋅Don't be afraid to get a little poetic on him. Veritas is a scientific man. He understands artistic endeavors, of course, but that isn't how his brain is wired. He operates in verifiable conclusions and building hypotheses, not the more abstract patterns of intuition or leading by the heart. He can analyze and understand such things, but if you want him to be able to appreciate the aesthetic beauty of the world, you will probably have to lead by example. You won't change his way of thinking, but maybe if you see a rare bird one day, he'll appreciate the opportunity to see something so rare and beautiful instead of analyzing how far it has deviated from its normal breeding grounds.

∘∙⊱⋅•⋅Flirting is a game, but love isn't. Don't be so dull with him! Dr. Ratio would love an opportunity to subtly ash his wits about yours in a little flirtatious back-and-forth. Both in the early stages and a more established relationship, Dr. Ratio loves a good challenge and could spend all night just trying to out-flirt the other. Regardless of whether or not you're one to get flustered, he loves your reactions anyway. Sheepishness, frustration, no emotion whatsoever - whatever you feel,, he finds how you try to school your expressions into complete apathy amusing. He is hard to fluster himself, but if he continues the same line of teasing in the morning the next day, you can assume he's been thinking about you all night. However! Dr. Ratio often expects people, especially those precious few who he respects, to operate on his level. If he's truly buckling down for the long game, he'll make sure to make his feelings clear. Flirtation is always on the table, but "playing hard to get" or trying to "keep him guessing" as you near a truly established relationship is a turn off. Flirt for fun, not to manipulate his interest in you. Believe him, he would've left by now if he wanted to.

∘∙⊱⋅•⋅Look beyond his scientific approach to matters of the heart. In loving anybody, you'll have to learn how to read between certain lines. Even if you are a pure-blooded emotionally charged person, Veritas can only meet you halfway on the road to compromise. Take the time to study how he speaks and what he means- concise as he is, speaking so straightforwardly all the time often has an opposite affect on his words when he's trying to be romantic. Learn the ways he looks after you and tries to make your life easier without asking; notice how he spends a large portion of his available time with you, even if it means dragging you along to discussing things with people who he feels are completely beneath his IQ; realize that his tone may always be steadfast and dominating, but he never speaks out to shut you down or demean you the way he does to others. If you can translate all the little ways he uses to show you how much he values you, then you may just find yourself in a relationship far more enriching than you'd expect.

#honkai star rail #hsr #hsr x reader #hsr dr ratio #dr ratio #dr ratio x reader #☆ star rail #☆ dr ratio #🐚 capricorn ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{hcs} #🌠 pisces ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{all writing} #a note that didn't make the cut: HUMBLE HIM #i was going through some of his lines in the stars of ingenuity quest and #boy what is your PROBLEM #antagonizing the trailblazer just because you're a suspicious little freak #decided their vibes were bad based on nothing but ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE #i'm so serious. what is your deal. i'll kiss it out of you boy don't think i wont

[chouettecrivaine]

modern dating is embarrassing i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he’s the local hot priest who will question god because of me)

#kuras #🔭 gemini ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{reblogs}

[chouettecrivaine]

Me: I don't have a type in women lol

Women i instantly fell in love with:

#strong apathetic white haired women with striking eyes 😍 #⭐ aries ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+{gen} #btw my taste in men is usually 'he sucks he's a bitch and i need him carnally'