everything in you
summary. time and time again, life drags you down until you lose your senses—and time and time again, jake manages to bring you back to the surface.
pairing. jake x y/n
genre. fluff, angst
disclaimers. insecurities, implied burnout
word count. 2.6k
released. 03.19.2024
author's note. feedback is appreciated! from drafts ^_^
masterlist
There’s a crack in your wall, located a small distance above your TV.
It’s tiny and shallow, barely noticeable to anyone unless they purposefully look for it—or spend enough time staring at the wall that they’re forced to notice it.
You noticed it for the first time last Tuesday, when you came home from work and the first thing you did was drop yourself down onto the couch.
This was a situation you found yourself in multiple times over the course of the past week: hands in your lap, mindlessly staring at nothing. There’s a thrum at the back of your head that you’ve been trying to ignore, just like all the other sensations that have manifested in your throat and lower back and the pit of your stomach.
More times than not, you sit here spacing out for hours; all the way from the time you get home to the time you feel your eyelids beginning to drop shut. Sometimes you have the energy to make a meal, but on the days that had no mercy for your peace of mind, you didn’t.
Maybe you do this to cope with stress. Maybe you do this because despite the rational part of your brain telling you that this is a form of self-sabotage, the exhausted part knows that silence—nothingness—would never betray you. It would never make you work overtime or make you worry about how others perceive you; it would only give you the peace you desire.
Today was one of those cruel days, to the point where you’d think it’s the shittiest you’ve had in a long time. You felt like you were at your breaking point, and you hate how every little inconvenience had made you want to burst into tears.
But even after you got home, you didn’t cry.
You seem to never cry, and you’re not sure if that’s a good thing. Instead of having a quick breakdown to rid yourself of strain like everyone else does, it piles up inside of your mind until utter blankness is born from the ashes of loud, rampant thoughts.
It’s what lands you here again tonight, despite never really wanting to be—staring at the line where the black of the flat-screen TV turns into the light cream of the apartment walls. There’s a mug of chamomile tea on the coffee table that you had brewed for yourself earlier, but it remains untouched, steam no longer wafting through the air.
A yawn racks through your body, bringing you back to reality after your mind had essentially been shut off for an hour and a half. Groaning loudly, you push yourself up off the couch to get ready for bed, trying your hardest not to think about how tomorrow, you’d probably have to repeat today all over again.
What you don’t expect is the sound of the front door’s lock suddenly clicking open.
It causes you to freeze, head turning to look towards the entrance.
As the door opens, a tall figure emerges through the threshold.
There’s a black baseball cap fit securely on his head, shielding his face from view—yet, it’s someone who you can recognize instantly. Someone who you have spent hours upon hours memorizing head-to-toe.
From the expensive bomber jacket he's layered over a grey hoodie, from his favourite pair of worn-out sneakers that he refuses to throw away. From the teddy bear charm—a gift from you—that dangles from his keyring.
You stare at him for a moment, slack-jawed.
Someone who you haven’t seen in a long time and weren’t expecting to see again for a while.
“Jake?”
Shutting the door behind him with a click, a grin breaks out onto his face.
"Hi, sweetheart. What are you doing still awake?"
Someone who you haven't seen in a long time, and weren't expecting to see again for a while—and who you never realized you'd missed so much until he was finally standing in front of you again.
Hurriedly taking off his shoes and jacket, your boyfriend pads over to you. His arms slink around your waist, pulling your body into him and hugging you loosely.
Breath hitching at the contact, your own arms come up to rest on his shoulders. You can't bring yourself to fully meet his eyes; you feel like if you get a proper look at him, a dam would break loose.
For some reason, Jake just makes you want to cry your eyes out. You have the art of concealing your emotions around others perfected to a near tee but he—
God, you don't even know why.
You try so, unbelievably hard to remain strong around him, but his presence—his touch, voice, warmth—never fails to make your facade absolutely collapse.
But even though he's reassured you time and time again that it's okay to let down your defences around him, that he wants you to, you refuse.
At least not this time; most weeks, six out of seven days, Jake would let himself into your apartment as if it was his own, and the two of you would fall asleep next to each other with your limbs a mess on the mattress. But, with the group's upcoming comeback, he's been staying at the dorm to make preparations easier. It's been weeks since you've seen each other, and with each passing second you spend with him again, you realize how much you'd truly missed him.
You're confident he isn't supposed to be here right now, but you don't know when you'd see him again. You're not going to let a precious moment be spoiled by tears.
However, the universe seems to always be working against you, because just the feeling of him loosely pressed against you is making your bottom lip quiver.
A beat of silence passes. Habitually, you lean into his touch.
You feel the tip of his nose stroke your cheek affectionately. You screw your eyes shut.
"What— what are you doing here?" you ask meekly.
"Am I not welcome here?" he teases, tilting his head.
"You know you aren't supposed to be here, Jake," you chide, though it comes out as more of a plead. "I know for a fact you have early morning practices everyday, and you probably don't get off until late at night..."
You toy with the line of his hood. "The comeback is so soon. You should be at the dorm. Resting."
"When am I ever doing something I'm supposed to be doing?"
At your lack of amusement, Jake's bottom lip juts out into a pout, his arms squeezing your waist a little tighter. "It feels like it's been centuries since I've seen you, Y/N. I couldn't take it anymore," he whines softly.
"You can't tell me you haven't missed me too. I'll literally cry if you do."
A pause. "I have," you whisper. So much that you don't even know.
Jake immediately stops pouting, his eyes crinkling as a smile blooms on his face at your words. He begins to slowly rock the both of you side-to-side, body flush against yours.
"Well, what kind of a boyfriend would I be to let you miss me?" he says playfully, looking off to the side.
Raising your head for a moment, you observe his side profile. Your eyes slowly trail along the contours of his face. Drinking in each of his carefully sculpted features. A slight smile tugs at your lips.
You lean your head against his chest, exhaling when you feel him card his fingers through the locks of your hair.
"Besides," Jake begins, his voice now softer as he redirects his gaze to you. "I'm sick of living with a bunch of disgusting guys."
You scoff. "Don't lie. You love them."
He lets out a laugh, gazing at you with shining eyes. "But you're the only one I'm in love with. There's a difference, sweetheart."
Your chest constricts. You'd been so close to completely forgetting about the turmoil brewing inside of you, but Jake's admission immediately causes it to resurface, rising like bile in your throat.
This isn't what you wanted.
You know it's coming. The burning sensation in your nose is a mockery of your efforts to remain composed.
Jake's tone carries a sincerity that makes you come undone. His words carry so much weight despite flowing out of his mouth no struggle, and they cause a stronger emotion in you than any of the cruel things that have ever been thrown your way.
Maybe this is why it was so hard to not cry around Jake—because it's so easy for him to love.
Loving comes so naturally to him, and it breathes life back into you. When you don't have any to spare for yourself, he does it in your place.
Your gates had been one strike away from being beaten down completely, and Jake had done it, with love.
You hold your breath for a few seconds as a last-ditch effort to prevent your tears, but that doesn't stop the first one from falling.
And as the saying goes, "starting is the hardest part", because as soon as the first tear slips down your cheek, more rush to follow. Your vision starts to blur.
Feeling you tense in his hold, Jake's smile falters. "Hey—"
He leans back a little bit, head ducking to try and get a look at your face. "What's wrong? Y/N?"
When you refuse to make eye contact, only tucking your chin further into your chest, his being floods with concern. His hands leave your waist to cup your face, gently forcing you to look at him.
For weeks, Jake would leave the company building late at night with only the thought of seeing you again. But in those thoughts, you'd always been smiling; maybe even laughing at a funny video or a stupid joke he'd made.
Now, the sight of your tear-stricken face only has him pursing his lips together, his heart pounding against his ribcage.
Instinctually, Jake examines your face, checking to see if you're hurt anywhere. Once he deems you okay externally, he carefully brushes the skin underneath your eyes with his thumbs.
"Baby..." he whispers sadly. "What happened?"
You only shake your head, sharp breaths leaving your lips. Jake frowns, continuing to wipe away the tears that spilt from your eyes.
When you eventually raise your gaze, you're met with the sight of Jake's own eyes beginning to water. Despite your state, there's a ghost of a smile on your lips. He looks adorable.
"Why are you crying?" you breathe out weakly, letting out a soft laugh. "Don't cry~"
"Because you're crying!" he whines. His eyebrows furrow as he stares into your eyes, trying to find out what had gotten you to this point. "You can't just cry and then expect me not to!"
Pursing your lips, you look away shyly. "Jaeyun..."
Jake's eyes soften. Gently, he cups the back of your head and guides your face into the crook of his neck, stroking your back as you continue to shed tears.
"Please, tell me what's wrong," he whispers into your hair. "It kills me to see you like this."
"I hate crying," you whisper back, tone filled with regret. "I really didn't mean to."
"No, no, baby," Jake shushes, shaking his head vehemently. "That's not what I meant. Hey, look at me," he coaxes, bringing your face up to look him in the eyes.
"What I meant was I don't like to see you hurting. You can cry, baby. I'll be here to wipe every one of your tears," he says, chuckling.
A single tear travels down the length of his face. You bring a hand up to wipe it away. Jake doesn't move, watching you with a soft gaze.
"Let go. I'd rather you cry than bury it all inside." His hand comes up to stroke your hair. "I promise you that crying doesn't make you weak or make me love you any less than when you're smiling."
So for once, you cry. Dumping every one of your emotions out onto the fabric of his hoodie. He holds you securely as you do, hands rubbing circles on your hips.
"I'm so tired," you suddenly croak out.
For a second, fear freezes the blood in Jake's veins. His voice is shaky as he asks, "O-of what? Us?"
Your face flashes with horror. You frantically shake your head, pushing yourself back to look at him.
"No!" you blurt, cupping his face. "No— oh my god, never. You're— we're—"
You exhale shakily. "We're great. We are everything to me."
One of his hands comes up to cover yours. "What's going on, baby?"
"It just feels like I'm... broken."
Jake's breath hitches, another tear slipping down his cheek to his chin. He doesn't say anything, prompting you to keep going with a tap to your side.
You delicately wipe the tear away, leaning up to press a firm kiss on his cheek before continuing.
"I feel so— so incompetent. Like I'll never be good enough at my job, or for the people at my job, or really anyone around me, for that matter."
A pause. "No matter how much time and energy I dedicate to something, nothing ever goes right. And nothing ever will go right because there's something wrong with me."
Silence hangs over the two of you, your ragged breathing and his soft sniffles intertwining in a sorrowful melody. Jake's brain is moving at a million miles a minute, grasping to think of what to do—to make you see yourself the way he sees you.
"Sweetheart," he begins, picking each of his words deliberately. "Listen to me carefully, alright?"
"You are not incompetent. In fact, you're so much more than just competent at what you do, to the people around you... everything. I wish you had my brain instead of yours. Yours is so mean to you," he murmurs with a click of his tongue.
"If you had mine, you'd see how incredible you are at what you do, to the people around you, everything. Because that's what I see, Y/N. I see everything in you."
You groan, hands reaching up to cover your face as heat flushes your cheeks. "Oh my god..."
Laughing, Jake tries to pry at your hands. When he succeeds, he looks deep into your eyes, gaze never wavering. You think you'd have crumbled to the floor by now if he wasn't here to hold you up.
"Did you mean it?" he whispers, breath fanning against your skin.
"Hm?"
"When you said that nothing you dedicate your effort to ever goes right."
You grimace. "That's what it feels like..."
"Even us?"
Oh. "Jaeyun—"
"Shhh, I was kidding. I know that's not what you meant," Jake coos, the groan that leaves you making him smile. He gently brushes a strand of hair out of your face before tilting his head and softly capturing your lips in his. Your eyes flutter shut, melting into his hold.
"You're strong, okay?" He whispers against your lips when you break away. "You're stronger than anyone I know."
Jake doesn't make any move to let you go. He wants his reassurances to travel through every part of your body, until you become so familiar with them that they'd never be a subject of your questioning.
"You aren't broken. I won't let you be."
The feeling of his skin against yours grounds you. In the foyer of your quiet apartment at one in the morning, it makes you feel alive.
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