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not doing a great job of the thing I literally just said this morning I need to prioritize (actively not pushing myself because my default setting is "drive it like you stole it"). trying to weigh if taking a bath is leaning further into that bad habit or actually beneficial, since it actually made my muscle aches better for once last time since it was actual muscle aches for once last time, and I've probably got residual soreness from going out so far on wednesday.

I wanted to go to big lots tomorrow but I may not be allowed if I still feel kinda fogged like this :(

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I didn't technically need to go get my meds today since we do have some otc spares, and walking felt nebulously Unpleasant today, but I went and got them anyway. it's not very far at all and it keeps them from having to run errands when they get home exhausted.

I also ordered my dinner, we normally get fast food on fridays and since they're on the road they probably will anyway so I get to order delivery. I could've gotten something fancier but I really just want dominos pasta.

the cats are both watching the door expectantly whenever the neighbors go past because it's about the time they'd start coming home. the poor children will be disappointed lol

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bleugh. kodansha's cover reveal tweet for tank chair (which already has a shady enough premise as-is) is phrased as "the world's deadliest wheelchair and his devoted sister", like the wheelchair and the user are interchangeable (or more likely given the rest of the premise, like the user is a nonentity outside of his wheelchair). gross.

#ableism

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hmm interesting how she only needs to have one bad night with a med to say "no this is a bad choice" but everyone still wants me to gather additional data :/

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I am not obligated to "catch up" as fast as I can or fully take over any household duties or try to find reliable work that I can do with my still very limited energy. my primary obligation is actually to be very cognizant of the energy I'm using, because every time my health falls through it's worse and for longer and even though it's generally been due to the poor decisions of others I can at least make sure I'm not making poor decisions myself, like consistently driving myself beyond the limits of my medication.

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a couple dreams about shopping including having issues with my mask both times, at the end of the last one in a giant goodwill/flea market some random dude said he was gonna take me like it was a joke but he started wheeling away with me? I was pissed. (also in that dream the hot trend for prom was baby blue tulle. before that was a costco with upgraded floors and before that was a uniqlo but cheaper)

#dream

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I was so close to being done with the extra lace panel I'm putting on that shrug I had to pause until I got meds, but I've been so close to being done with it for like 3 hours, so I left it in the other room even though it is quiet time now -n- (also I think my walker wore out my wrists yesterday but I didn't notice until I was crocheting today. the wrist brace was enough to address it. also my right thumbnail is trying to pull away from the nail bed, which might be partially due to the paper stars, but a bandaid was enough to address that one.)

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arin and I were doing that thing where we just kind of aggressively crouch at each other and I could get like twice as low as I could before, which hurts a little but I didn't feel like I was going to lose my balance. also when everyone was saying goodnight she was standing near me and matt charged in to wrap both of us up in a hug talking about how I can be flung around now and he's excited about it :')

he keeps worrying about the books that my stepdad is supposed to drop off on sunday, kind of forgetting they will in fact both still be home by then, but my family understands how to pack a book box and they genuinely won't be any worse than carrying her giant 3 week procrastination laundry bin up last week or whenever it was. if they even send books at all, I might be getting like. a ukulele, and a dressform. but multiple reasonable sized boxes of books is no issue really, especially since there's a landing halfway up and another outside our door. I'll only actually have to pick up a box off the ground a total of 2 times unless there's so many I need multiple stacks. and then I can take a nap after if it really drains me that much.

also I didn't write down earlier that she got me a blizzard on her way home from work just because, which was sweet. she got me the peach one.

and I mentioned to him as I was going to bed that I know he's busy next saturday but it'd be nice to do something fun next sunday since there's been a lot going on. he said he'd been thinking about it too.

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I talked to both of them, he was like "yeah totally, I know you have a lot of creative energy and I'm just looking for ways you can use it, I'm not interested in pressuring you to get a job and I appreciate you telling me" and she was like "yeah this specific thing really bothers me" and agreed that we just kinda bumped into each others' buttons in an unfortunate way.

so that wasn't fun, but it worked out.

#I was actually pretty anxious about bringing it up to him cuz like. people don't like. like having Discussions. #and it was technically just a little thing but if I didn't bring it up it wouldn't stay that way. #like I don't get anxious bringing things up to her because we've been together almost 9 years and I know she knows how this works #sometimes I dread it but I don't get like. shaky. #but he was totally fine about it (possibly because he could hear the shaking)

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:I and then she quite sharply cut me off when I was responding to something he asked her about a mental health thing in a fictional setting. guess they're just kinda rough tonight. great.

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ugh, "hey you just sit at home and watch tiktoks all day [as I'm actively crocheting] why don't you [sink dozens of hours in to] make a greater print-on-demand presence [that will never make a dime]?" like I explained why that's not worth my time but I think he sees these articles of like the .001% of shops that actually make a genuine passive income off their soulless generic designs and thinks "oh well nat could do that!" even if I do it fuckin sucks and it doesn't pay. if it paid I'd already be getting paid. I Have Tried.

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I'm watching christmas vlogs because they make me happy and I think maybe this year I should give them extra big presents? normally I mostly focus on the stockings especially since I only have the money they give me and I've previously had a ton of other crafts that needed to get done in a short amount of time since I didn't have anywhere to put them except under the tree (or last year I had the craft fair and didn't make any Dedicated Presents at all for anyone but them and they only got very small "big" things), but since arin traded me the big dresser I have like a quarter drawer's worth of space right now for holding gifts, and once she moves I'll have the entirety of the underbed too (I'm only using about a third of it right now, she uses half). so I can start whenever I want instead of having to time it with the tree going up, and since I'm making socks now those are much faster and easier than hats and scarves and so on. so I have time to make them more and nicer things. especially since where we live now is the most winter arin's ever had, and where she's going gets colder. (and hotter, but we were in socal last year so she's already met True Summer.)

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well I guess he has started talking about replacing his car with something bigger, he was mostly just driving this one because he got it cheap as dirt from his grandpa and it's really falling apart now. if he gets a bigger car a manual chair is less impractical to jam into it, since obviously she's taking her car with her so any new mobility aids for the next 4 years have to fit in his car if I want to be able to use them anywhere outside of walking distance. (my big fancy chair doesn't fit, but I haven't been using it cuz I've been too tired to wheel myself. plus it's mostly meant for going out alone anyway since it's got the motor which also adds a lot of weight (so neither of them want to haul it down the stairs unless it's a special occasion))

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(I am also eating significantly more since I'm doing significantly more and I was like. basically hibernating before. low power mode. my weight stayed static even if I barely ate for days, which is like a Bad Sign especially since I normally drop weight way too easily. for the record I have no interest in losing weight, I was underweight for 28 years and not being able to see my bones is nice, I am entirely happy to trade some visible cellulite for that. it's just something that can sometimes be useful to watch for trends, and to make sure it's not dropping too fast or low.)

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I think if you're not prepared for the answer, "I'm not working because I'm disabled," you shouldn't be asking people what they do for work. Sorry not sorry. It's not fair to ask the question and then get all flustered and weird when you get the answer.

#reblog #honestly I don't even include the 'I don't work' part I just tell people 'I'm disabled' #cuz that is a whole-ass job just by itself #even if most of us don't get paid for it and for sure even those that manage to get comp still don't get enough #man I hope the va schedules my hearing soon I'd love to have money

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also I explicitly told matt (who can be trusted to at least sternly remind me even if he can't completely stop me) that I absolutely should not do a craft fair this year, because pushing through to get all that finished after I'd already started to collapse for sure made things worse. I need to rest and recover before I try that again.

#I told arin too when she came home #she was like 'idk december's a long way away' and I was like 'and how did that go last year :I '

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ohhhhhh that's why I'm making so much stuff for myself. normally january is all about personal crafts because october-december is all about making things for other people (or last year it was july-december -n- ) and I'll usually come up with some big project Just For Me to wind down in january before I shift to a comparatively more moderate crafting gear until the next craftageddon season, but I was too sick. this is my january crafting, just a little late. (since I got better medicated, I did a bunch of high intensity repairs on blankey, made two pillowcases and a sunglasses case, and finished the main body of this shrug that I'm adding another panel to right now. so it's also my february and march and april crafting, because I am almost always Making Something if I can be. I've also got the paper stars to string onto garlands, that sweater zoe bought me yarn for to finish, the fabric for my wheelchair cover, and the yarn matt got me for christmas that I might turn into a hella cozy sweater dress.)

I don't think I made fucking anything for like. 3 1/2 months. I made half the main portion of this shrug and the kirb2k pins and a tie blanket. and a lot of fuckin stars cuz I was too sick to make anything else. a couple paintings. okay it sounds like a lot when I write it out like that but I promise you it is way less than I usually generate just kind of as a consequence of being alive, cuz I. wasn't. I was not alive.