catistakingabath

[catistakingabath]

21/9/2022

These days suck.

Yesterday when i was taking a nap, I dreamed that my mom died. It feel too real that my brain started to think that it was real and I started bursting into tear and suffer. I really thought i can't meet her anymore and she really gone, I was in total despair, screaming, crying and stuff. Then when I woke up, my face was full of tears and my heart felt so heavy. I thought I start to appreciate the present more, where everyone I care for are still alive and in somewhat a fine condition. In contrast, my friend Chi has just lost her dad 1 or 2 months ago. I am now somewhat have more understanding abour her pain, and I deeply feel sorry for her. If I have to go through the same thing, I'm not sure I still can keep myself optimistic as such, cause I was such a overthinking ass and full of intrusive thought. I have too many things to vent that an Instagram post can't even handle my word counts at once. Plus, I think I can't keep spreading negative energy to my friends. They have enough things to worry about. Because of that dream, I decided to start appreciate things more, because I have my mind too focus on negative things, that I have neglect the fortune that I already have. But it only make things worse when I started to think that this reality will not last forever. Time will pass and my family will gef older, they will get weaker and weaker. Inevitably, they have a higher chance to pass away, maybe because of some kind of deadly diseases? Then I looked at Lan. I realized she is the most vulnerable in my love ones. She has the shortest lifespand. Thinking about a future in the next 2-3 years without her, my heart filled with sorrow. I love her so much. She was everything I have ever dream for. I wish her a long happy life. What can I do to keep her healthy? I should change her diet, start to cook for her more, because dry food is not good for her health. As if that wasnt enough, I dreamed about my internal grandmother died. I hope that this is not some kind of "the universe sign", and all of my love ones will live a long healthy happy life. I know this is ridiculous, but I want all of their health problems will be gone. Dad's bad teeth, dad's runny nose, mom's allergic eyes, mom's vestibular disease, mom's insomnia, external grandma's vestibular disease, grandma's hypertension, grandma's bad knees, aunt's asthma, aunt's hurtful legs, internal grandma's stomach illness. Please live a long life everyone.

Also, today I got into trouble with a PT at the gym.

[catistakingabath]

oh god thats alot. maybe I am overthinking like my sis said

[catistakingabath]

12/9/2022

First diary on tumblr hehe

Today is also the first day I skip class in uni because my phone died and sister didnt wake me up even though I told her to. Class started at 9:10 and if only I wasnt on my period, I would not have wake up so late TT, and if I miss one more session I will have to retake the course, so I have to be super careful. Promise myself that I will try to be 10 15 minutes early.

Yesterday I have a meeting with communication department in TEDxBachkhoa at a cf. To be honest, anh Quang said too much that I can hardly process all the information, but what I know is: we have to brainstorm ideas about the up coming pj, maybe a series of videos or sth, and I have to do the tool kit with chi Nhung, but I think that might be hard since it was similar to a booklet and it need a strong unity in the design. I hope that she is easy to work with and I will try my best not be bossy and len mat day doi dan chi cause she is 2k2.

At the end of the meeting, anh Quang did the tarot reading for us, and I found out a friend have the same name (both first and last) and the same birthday as my secondary Thao, which was so cool!! Like what are the odds of that coincidence?? And I also found out my than so hoc was number 1. Like when people found out, they were like surprised and impressed, and anh Quang told me that people with number 1 are born to be leader, either they will be very successful or they will be poor and bad as f. Yea this kinda fascinated me. At first I want to ask him the read about my love life, but since the than so hoc has sparked my curiosity, I decided to ask about my work. He said that there will be someone teach me lots of things and I will found my strength and gain my confidence. And I need to rest more and this is not the right time to begin a relationship. Idk if this is true but I will see in the near future (6 months).

Yesterday I also seen a post about this is a bad month for Sagittarius. It gave advice that whenever I am working in team, be aware of bad talking conversation about other. Try to stay out of drama and not to be involved emotionally. To be honest, it is true that I have struggle this kind of problem before. Like when you join a big group of friends, there will be some conflict between someone. I have come to a solution. Whenever they talk bad shit about others, I will only be listen and ừ and not say anything else. If they start to ask me to give thought about this stuff, I will start saying: thật ra quan điểm của em là em sẽ không đánh giá một người chỉ qua lời kể của người khác. Chỉ khi nào em thực sự tiếp xúc và trải nghiệm thì em mới đưa ra đánh giá của em để cho khách quan nhất. Bây giờ em chỉ có thể lắng nghe chuyện anh/ chị kể và tiếp thu thôi. Like, it will like i am in between. I am not totally in any side, even if it will be more convenient for me to just stand on their side, but i should seperate work and relationships and i think this is the right thing to said. The other day Han tell me that she started preparing her introduction in uni 1 month before, and i start to think thats a great idea :)) From now on, I will start imagine difficult situations like the one above, and I will think of the best thing to answer so that I will not end up troubling myself.

Okay actually last week I went out to eat with the secondary class. Most of them are the boys, including Manh, and at first I didnt want to go. Tuan and Chip insisted me, but I did not changed my mind until Chip said this might be the last chance to meet Manh cause he is going the study aboard the next month. When we got there, I was so shy that I cant make myself to look and talk with Manh. Even though I wanted to know about his life, like is his old white cat doing fine, how is his girlfriend, is he excited about going study aboard, what major is he going to study, and so on. But I cannot bring myself to do that cause I such a coward and I still have feelings for him. It is embarrassing but he still appear in my dream occasionally, and how am I supposed to get rid all of my feeling if he keep doing that and there is no one cool enough in my love life?? And I hate that feeling when you are noticing someone in the corner of your eyes, and you feel that they are looking at you too but you cant know for sure cause its vague. I feel that when we at the hot pot he was looking at me, but I cant know for sure, and Chip didnt notice him for me. Anyways, the boys was nicer than I thought cause some of them were really mean in secondary school and I didnt like them at all, but somehow they are nice to me at the meeting and no one talk shit. Surprisingly, Giang who was sitting in front of me were kinda nice cause hes keep refilling the water for me even when I'm not asking him nor my cup was empty. When my chopsticks fell, Giao Linh gave me a new one without even asking. Looking back, even in secondary school, those guys were not the mean one, they just the shy-to-the-girls type of guys, be mean back when someone teased them (sr Giao Linh cause I once teased you for being short), and not rl care or help when I was in trouble, and play with the mean ones. Okay now I feel less appreciated them :) Okay but everyone have their phrases and they were still childish back then. Even though everyone said that the grown up are bad and everyone start to faking feelings to each other, and making friends is not as easy as when we were kids. However, the more I grow up, the more comfortable I feel with the surroundings. Bc my peers start to be more understanding, and they are not as mean as before, even if they did not change at all, the truth is that they still think bad of me, and they are just good at masking it, I still feel more comfortable because I am not aware of that, and I feel that I am being treated in the way I deserved. Anyways, back to Manh. After the meeting, I feel that hes not as pretty as in my memory, not as special compared to others since my peers start to be more mature. This is a great sign that I finally get to move on and stop being such a pathetic ass. Maybe meet him 1 or 2 more times will help me even more, to get rid of that pink and perfect version of him in my head, but I think it will be hard to have another chance. Lately, I also feel like I want to have a lover and shit, that I want to be loved and start listening to the kiribaku series on yt again. Now think of it, I start to notice that my phrase of desperating-to-be-loved occasionally was around september, november every years, because last year I started to addict to the kiribaku series around this time of the year. And I start wondering, if this has anything to do with the time I start liking Manh in 9th grade. Cause that is when my feeling start to blossom and have grow the strongest :/ idk 

Lately, I also been thinking about being myself. Idk maybe it is somewhat about a existence question? Like I am aware and want to moving forward, to improve myself, not only to embrace my strength that I already have, but also looking at others and learn. But, would it be like, i am just a creature thats copying others? Like it is okay to learn things like skills, or knowledge, but one of my biggest weakness is soft skills, and I intended to copy their way of coping problems to others, their way of socializing and shit. I mean, almost everyone do that and I am also doing that from a long time ago unintentionally. But like now if I intent to do so, I will copy more and more, and does that harm my inner-self? Like I will adapts traits, personalities, from person A, person B, person C, and will that make me a totally different person? And will that kill my past me, my child me? I mean, I might be dramatic but, imagine if I can meet me when I was a child, when I have adopted all of this new personalities, my child me will think that she was such a loser, that she is nothing, that she need to change to be better, and my present me will be so guilty cause I never want to feel that way, and neither does my child-me. For example, I used to have this conversation with my sister. She said that she hate to interact to other, to be involved in social occasion, like when her uni friends invited her to their wedding, or when her uni friends ask she how shes doing and invite her to cf. And I have told her that she should turn them down, because she should do it to maintain her social relationship, which might help her in the future. Until then I realized I'm not doing all this thing because I like it at my heart, I'm just doing it because I think it as an "investment", that I need to do it so my life will be somehow easy, because it is how this society works. I'm not doing all of this because of my inner-child, but it is how this society expect from me. Maybe this is not the right way to healing my inner-child, not trying to perfect myself. But seriously, I dont really know what to do. What is the way to improve myself, which is also healing? That sound kinda impossible i guess