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My roommate Morgan with Ollie and Shadow (Meeps)

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obsessed with the april fools day joke from the another crab's treasure devs

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#swtor #just open damnit! *shoots lightning at it*

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So Shadow is only Shadow if he's trying to crowd Ollie away from his food, or if he's doing something he shouldn't be. Ollie dgaf and will just growl at him and not budge. No aggression, just growling.

All other times he's Meeps or Meepies because he makes a meeping sound when he greets people or wants my attention.

Apparently I have been chosen as Meeps person. Just like Midnight chose me as his person. He spends all day with me and will climb up on my chest whenever I am in climbing range.

I'm okay with this. Meeps is a sweet boy and I don't mind giving him love.

and I thought Midnight was a cuddle-bug

Shadow went "hold my beer" and cranked it up to 11

I'll lay down, either on my breaks from work, or at the end of the night, and Shadow will jump up and lay down on my chest.

it's a bit like one of those weighted stuffed animals some people have, only 15-20lbs, warm, and is vibrating at a low frequency.

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#captain syverson

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so I had a conversation with my mom. putting it under a Keep Reading because it touches on some subjects that might upset people

My mom called me crying yesterday saying that she had to leave a vacation with my nieces and their dad early because my eldest niece, Kaylynn, is turning into a carbon copy of her mother. Their mother who refuses to go to their track meets because she doesn't want to be bored. Who made my life a living hell growing up and told me to kill myself. Who none of us want anything to do with because of how much of a manipulative (but bad at it) rabid cunt she is. Who my parents completely disowned to the point where my mom gathered up every picture she had of her from baby onwards and burned them.

Apparently their mother has been telling Kaylynn that their grandma was a horrible mother and abused her and everything that's happened to her (Amanda) is her fault. It's bullshit. Amanda (their mom) takes absolutely no accountability for her own actions. It's all everyone else's fault, not hers.

My mom then asked me if she was a terrible mother and she told me to be honest. If you all know me, I have no problems with honesty if I believe the person needs to hear the truth. I won't lie to people, but as I've said many times before, I believe everyone should be honest, but there's a fine line between being an asshole and being honest and that is how you word things.

For example: If my room mate comes to me wearing a new dress or outfit and asks me how she looks, but it doesn't look good, I'm not going to tell her "You look like shit." I'm going to say "Not really your style, I'd go with something else." I still told her that I didn't think it looked good, but I wasn't an asshole about it.

Back to mom.

She asked me if she was a horrible mother and she told me to be honest. Now, in the past, whenever she asked me to be honest about something and then I was, I would get punished because I told her something she didn't actually want to hear. But I'm 1500miles away so fuck it.

I told her she wasn't terrible all the time. She had moments when she was a great mom, but there were a lot of moments when she wasn't. I told her that the reason why I hate asking for help, with anything, is because whenever I did I was yelled at, called stupid, and made to feel like an annoyance and a burden for asking.

Me: Hey, mom, what does this word mean?

Mom: OH MY GOD CATE JUST LOOK IT UP

She doesn't remember any of this.

I told her that she didn't want children. She wanted fully-formed mini-adults who she didn't have to raise and teach and guide because that was all done before, but she got children who she did have to put that effort into and it pissed her off.

My mom was physically abused when she was growing up, by her father and her step-father, beaten severely many times. She had to grow up and be an adult very quickly because that was expected of her as the eldest girl (my mom has 5 brothers and sisters, she's the oldest out of 3 girls, Wilhelm (Billy) is the oldest out of 3 boys). She wasn't allowed to be a child. So when she had children, she didn't know what to do so she fell back on how she was raised.

Now, before you reach for the pitchforks, my mom never laid a hand on us. That was my dads job But it's as if she thought that if she didn't hit us, she wasn't abusing us, but there are many different kinds of abuse. My mom was emotionally and mentally abusive. She was overbearing and overprotective. I didn't need anyone in my life, I just needed her. I didn't need friends, I just needed her. Then there were moments when I was honestly terrified of her. When she would scream at me over the little things until she was red in the face and I was crying, and then she would yell at me for "fake" crying.

My sister lied and said that I swore, she lied a lot to try to get me into trouble and it nearly always worked. My mom yelled at me to admit it, kept saying that I was lying when I said I didn't (because I didn't) and that would make her yell at me more for lying. It culminated in her pushing me to the ground. I told her she pushed me and she said "I didn't push you, you tripped." (gaslighting) My sister eventually fessed up that she only thought I swore and my mom dropped it. I never got an apology. I was 5.

Growing up, she would come into my room in the middle of the night to "check on me" but when she would step on something because my room was messy because I was a child, she would scream at me to wake up and make me clean my room. In the middle of night. Regardless if I had school the next day. This happened many times until she finally got sick of it and threw all my stuff away, ripping posters off the walls, throwing away books and stuffed animals. I tried to hide books in between my mattress and box spring so I would at least have something, my sister who was helping her found them, asked why I had books there and mom responded with "She's a slob, why wouldn't she have them there." She never stopped to think that maybe I was hiding them so they wouldn't get destroyed and why would I have to hide them to begin with.

When I was older and had a drivers license, she would ask me to go to the store, or do this or that, but it was okay if I told her no. If I did tell her no because I was tired from school or work, she would yell at me, calling me lazy and ungrateful, and then she would call my dad to tell him how lazy and ungrateful I was. I had the choice to say no, but god forbid I actually did, so I didn't really have a choice. I had the illusion of a choice.

When I told her that I was moving to Texas, she broke down into tears and begged me to stay because if I moved that far away, she wouldn't be able to visit me. I reminded her that when I was with my ex, living 15minutes away, she didn't visit me.

"But I could have!"

But you didn't.

"I'm not dying, mom, I'm just moving away."

"But it feels like you are!"

She tried to manipulate me into staying to spare her feelings, when being in that house with her was going to kill me. She wanted me to stay because she wanted someone to rely on her, when I haven't relied on her in years at that point. She tried to keep be close, but the more she tightened her grip, the more I pushed her away.

I left anyway because I needed to.

I told her all of this. Every last bit of it. Her response?

"I don't remember any of this."

"Well of course you don't, mom. For you it was Tuesday, for me it's a core memory."

"We were always such great friends when you were growing up."

"Yeah, when I wasn't terrified of you."

She had moments when she was honestly awesome, but then there were moments when she very much wasn't and I didn't think there was anything wrong with that because she wasn't horrible all the time, so that must be normal, right? Spoiler alert, no it isn't. It's not normal. You should never be terrified of your parents. You should never have to walk on eggshells around them for fear of them turning their anger on you. You shouldn't have to think about what you say to them and how you say it for every interaction because you know if you say it a certain way, you'll get screamed at.

Now before you say "Well maybe Amanda has a point." I want you to realize that I didn't turn out like she did. Nature vs Nurture. And also, Amanda was also incredibly abusive to me growing up and was one of my main tormentors (again, she told me to kill myself because no one would miss me anyway).

"Well, she was being bullied, so she bullied you. It's only natural."

Bullshit.

I was bullied. At home and at school and I never treated anyone how I was treated. I know what it's like so I make damn sure no one else feels that way because of me. I don't make other people suffer just because I suffered. I take accountability for my actions. If I fuck up, I own up to it and I make sure I don't do it again. With Amanda everything is everyone else's fault. She has never done anything wrong ever, never will, and if you say she has, it was someone else. No one else has ever experienced what she has in the history of the world and never will. She told our parents they didn't know what it was like to raise two girls and how difficult it was. I'm sorry, what? She said this to our parents who raised us (regardless of how) that they don't understand because they've never done it.

Amanda has some kind of psychopathy. She's malignantly narcissistic to the point where she hurts everyone around her to make everything all about her. She carefully crafts different personas depending on who she's talking to so she appears to be the best most wonderful person they've ever met in their entire life and when she's got their hooks in them and they're dependent on her, the real Amanda comes out.

She tries to manipulate people in her life, but again, she's bad at it, so it's pretty fucking easy to see through it if you know her. It's why we want nothing to do with her. It's why my parents disowned her. She fucks up and she tries to twist it around so it's actually someone else's fault and we should all hate them. They're the horrible person, not her, never her. She's perfect in every way, and if you try to say anything against her, you're evil and everyone should hate you too and she will try to get everyone to hate you.

But I digress

I told mom all of this (before the Amanda bit) and she thanked me for being honest with her. For not sugarcoating it. For straight up telling her "Yeah, you did your best, but your best was shit and it hurt us."

She asked me to forgive her, that she hoped that one day I would be able to forgive her for what she's done.

I'm not Amanda. I got down off that cross years ago, used the wood to build a bridge, and got over it.

I forgave her a long time ago and I told her that. She thanked me again, we talked for a few more minutes on some other things, and that was that.

If you made it this far, have a cookie.

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my dash did a thing

:D

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LIVE (nothing wrong with me)

LAUGH (nothing wrong with me)

LOVE (nothing wrong with me)

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vampires have been drinking human blood for centuries they don't give a fuck about guys on eight different antidepressants. they were sucking on asbestos factory workers

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Please return us to a world where Notp and squick are used for a ship you don’t like instead of just making up a load of bullshit about how immoral it is or w/e lol 

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and I thought Midnight was a cuddle-bug

Shadow went "hold my beer" and cranked it up to 11

I'll lay down, either on my breaks from work, or at the end of the night, and Shadow will jump up and lay down on my chest.

it's a bit like one of those weighted stuffed animals some people have, only 15-20lbs, warm, and is vibrating at a low frequency.

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yeah

....yeah

#captain syverson

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okay yes, but then the adhd meds will let you focus on one of them, but it doesn't let you pick which one you're going to focus on. this is the thing you're going to be focusing on and you don't have any choice in the matter

Credit: artsydoe

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There's a pause when a void walks into my room before I see the collar and greet them. Is it a Shadow with an orange collar? Or a Midnight with a purple one? because they are twins

is it a Meep-Meep (Shadow), or a Mr. Sir (Midnight)?

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the line "a date with chaos and you're dressed to the nines" from Fiend (Sephirot trial music from FFXIV Heavensward) slaps harder than it has any right to

#ffxiv