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🐁Mouse workout

(it’s called mouse workout because it’s quiet) 

100 leg lifts (each leg) 

75 squats

50 sit-ups 

50 second plank 

50 second wall sit

⚡️ Burns around 293 cals ⚡️  

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there’s so much i wanna say but nah

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it’s easier to say “im tired” than “im so sad and lonely i feel like there’s a weight in my chest and my body is so heavy i have no energy emotionally, physically or mentally to even move from my bed”

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I used to think my ED was just about “being skinny”

Simple. Just wanting to get thin. To be beautiful. To look like a ballerina, or a model. That’s all I thought it was. So, so simple.

Right?

But recently I’ve come to realize- that’s not all this is about. Of course, wanting to be thin is part of it. A big part of it. But there’s more. I’m not just starving myself because I want to lose weight or because I want to be delicate or have prominent collarbones.

I’m starving myself because I want to be loved. But love doesn’t come free, and it so often seems like nobody will ever love me by choice. So I suppose, in a way, you could say that I’m forcing people to love me.

I’m forcing them to worry. To ask if I’ve eaten. If I’m okay. If I had breakfast, if I want their extra granola bar.

“Are you feeling sick?”

“Do you need anything?”

“You should take care of yourself.”

That is what I’m REALLY after. Tell me to eat. Tell me you’re worried about me. Tell me I matter, that I shouldn’t disappear. That I’m beautiful. That I’m wanted. Please tell me.

I need to hear it and this is the only way I know how.

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Every morning I wake up and flip a coin to see which it’ll be

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Every morning I wake up and flip a coin to see which it’ll be

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just a reminder

i. do. not. promote. eating. disorders. of. any. kind. whatsoever.

if you are trying to recover, please, get the fuck away from my blog.

the reason i have this blog is for my own motivation.

seek help: 1-800-931-2237

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idk if those “spells” work but………. somehow it’s working, is it a placebo? anyways 10 lbs weight loss spell!

like to charge

reblog to release

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amazing

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Reblog if you plan to lose 10lbs before September ends.

Smash the reblog button if you KNOW you’re going to lose more than 10

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When I was about a year into my eating disorder, about 13 or 14, I had one of the worst experiences of my life. I was in orchestra, took so much pride in it, first chair of the viola section, looked at my director as a role model. I hadn’t eaten lunch the entire year and he knew this. He had a habit of stopping class to tell random ass stories that nobody gave a shit about. He starts telling us about a woman he used to work with, her name, how old she was and so on. 

And then he started describing her eating disorder. 

She was bulimic, and every single day, she’d go into the bathroom and throw up whatever it was that she ate that day, She was so skinny, he said he tail bone was starting to pop out of her skin (I doubt any credibility behind that). he started talking about how he heard her once, in the bathroom, and how disgusting it was. He apparently confronted her about it soon after, and she stopped showing up to work. 

Despite her not showing up to work anymore, he continued this horrible speech. 

This wasn’t a self-love speech.

He started saying how disgusting and weird it was. Talking about “you girls care so much about your appearance, you’d actually do something this disgusting and weird?” 

Me, having anxiety and panic attacks, i started crying in front of the entire class, and all I could hear was the class talking about what an ugly freak she must have been. How weird it was. How if they ever saw her, they’d force her to eat something. The director noticed how shaken up I was, but didn’t stop. I managed to ask him if we could please stop talking about this, quiet enough to where nobody else heard, and he said yes. We stopped, and continued on with class like it was nothing. 

Every single day, I’d get a salad, with just tomatoes and lettuce, and I’d throw it away every day. My class started noticing and started saying stuff like “What are you, a fucking anorexic?” and of course it was followed by a “ Of course not, look at her”. and so on and so forth. I had two suicide attempts later that year, both by pills, both didn’t work, both nobody knew about. 

Please stop mocking eating disorders. Please. 

Please stand up and say something if you hear someone mocking eating disorders. 

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The first pic is from some time in 2018, I just found it on my phone and it triggered the shit out of me, the thought of going back to that terrifies me. I know my body right now on the right isn’t healthy but I can’t bring myself to recover & go back to how I was before :(

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“You didn’t suffer all day long to binge at night. You don’t want this.”

— (via slept-alone)

I’ll never forget this quote.

(via tillytomandtinyana)

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165 ~ 145~ 125

5’5

Only 20 more lbs to go :)

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