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[cafeconblu]

December 31, 2018

Well, its come down to the last 24 hours of 2018 and man when I tell you I’m looking forward to it being over it mean that will all my heart. Life has always been a little rocky here and there but let me tell you, 2018 was one of the hardest years of my life while also bringing some really great moments as well. 

For my own healing, i’m going to list everything that happened to me this year so i can actually see what I went thru. However, I will post the positives from this year as well because life is full of duality. 

- miscarried

- two suicide attemtps

- hospitalized on two 5150′s

- constant break ups with my bf

- cutting relapse 

- quarter life crisis 

- dyed my hair black and cut it all off

- lost old and new friends 

- arrested out of my own home 

- sexually assaulted in mental hospital 

- abused drugs and alcohol

Its honestly kinda hard looking back at these and then trying to think of some positives, but thats my issue. I get so caught up on the negative that it over powers the positive. Thats out tho, no more of that in 2019. So heres a list of great things that happened to me this year. 

- lots of therapy and self care

- made new life long connections

- commissioned by the city of Long Beach to paint a Utility Box

- three murals

- had my first solo show 

- started painting skateboards

- learned to tattoo

- finances started picking up

- traveled

- played in fresh snow

- started getting recognized for my art

- learned to spray paint

- inspired people

- developed my personal artistic style 

- faced my fear of doing things alone

- began to understand myself and why I am the way I am

- didn’t die, Im still here. 

Now, looking at this list, I’m honestly unimpressed with myself but at the same time I know that I really worked hard this year. I’m not usually one to get tongue tied but for some reason I just feel like I cant explain all that I learned this year. It was so much more than just events happening, it was a lot to do with my soul this year. I feel like i gained and lost so much that its just hard to put into words. I think one of my biggest lessons this year is  really evaluating the people I have around me. I was heavily betrayed in a malicious way by people that I really believed to be my friends. They didn’t just let me leave their lives, instead they had to bash me and my name, make me look stupid, and laugh at my misery. I know I’m not perfect but its hard to even begin to believe I deserved that.. then again everything happens for a reason. It hurt tho, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. Now I choose to be more careful with who I allow in my space. 2019 is going to be a year of focus, I am going to work so hard on all that I need to; work, art, myself, my relationships that i cherish..etc. I promise myself that I will not allow my emotions to get in the way of my success this year and that I will not try to harm or kill myself. I know I feel a lot and vividly, but I have a purpose here and I refuse to let that be drown out by the negative voice that lives in my head. So heres to a new year, lets make shit happen. 

- Blu 

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10/24/2018

Its Wednesday, October 24, 2018, at what other time than 4:44 pm. I swear I’m always seeing angel numbers without even trying man, it literally just happens. I must have a lot of angels around me then *shrugs*. Jk, I know I do.

Today has been a pretty cool day so far. I’ve been alone all day really, only human interactions were those I had getting my nails done, exchanging my jewelry, and this with this really nice man at the donut shop next to Number One Nails lol. I had parked at the dount shop and went in to buy a coffee to see if he would let me park there, he said 15 mins only, I wasn’t upset, I just said no worries and that I’m still stoked for my coffee. He then told me I’m so nice that this time he would let me park and that he appreciated my kind attitude and insisted on giving me free donuts, which i still haven’t eaten lol. It really pays off to be nice to people, you never know what people are going thru and who knows, a kind person could really make an impact. 

Anyways, skipping topics with a shitty transition like a radio DJ. I sold the gold rings my ex and I wore today. Well i exchanged it for a new necklace with an anchor on it and a new ring. I had been holding onto them for a while now, not exactly sure why honestly. I had been planing to get rid of them for a good while now. I guess I still had some sort of connection to them, like wearing an old fantasy on my finger. I also felt powerful having both on one finger, like all the promises I make now are to myself. But today I was ready, I got rid of both of them with the quickness and haven’t had the slightest bit of regret for doing it. I put the anchor around my neck to remind myself all I need is me to hold myself down, and slid the new gold ring on my finger with so much joy. I look at the ring and see something new and shiny, it reminds me of the new happiness I’ve found, you could say it’s equally as shiny and valuable to me, honestly, if not more. 

I’ve felt so inspired all day today. I woke up and saw Justine Skye’s new video for her song Build, which she made based off true life events to promote Domestic Violence awareness, and it just sparked something inside of me. I watch the video over and over again, crying harder and harder each time. It awoke a part of me where I still had trauma stored and it just all started pouring out uncontrollably. I needed that tho, I needed that release. I wasn’t triggered, I was just in shock at what I allowed myself to deal with. Watching this video was like watching myself thru an outsiders perspective. I will NEVER allow myself to ever deal with any of that ever again. I am so protective over myself now. my energy is not something I take lightly anymore. This video awoke so much inside of me, it made me realize its time for me to speak my truth thru my art. I’m not just talking about painting a piece, I’m talking about taking the next 6 months to build a completely interactive exhibit for an art show I’m going to put on based on Domestic Violence. This is going to be the biggest thing I’ve ever done as an artist, as a woman, as a survivor. I’ve never felt more focused.

Big things are coming, I can feel it. All I have to do is focus and make shit happen. Shift is happening, can you feel it too?

- Blu

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10/21/2018

Good Morning, 

It is a absolutely beautiful day out today and I couldn’t be more thankful. I’m finally becoming content with waking up alone, and let me tell you, I am much happier this way. I wake up on my own terms, smoke my weed, get straight to painting in my paint covered sweats with my hair in a messy bun halfway falling off my head, all why feeling complete and fulfilled. I think happiness to me is just simplicity and security. I never really realized how easily accessible happiness was all along, I just had to make a few changes. 

This time honestly feels so different than any other time I’ve walked this path. I just feel so focused on me and not worried about the wrong things and people. I’ve completely purged myself of my ex, I no longer think about him, miss him, look at his IG, or really give him or the thought of him any of my energy. It’s not because I don’t care, I want him to be happy and healthy n all that good stuff, I’ve just found a new sense of self and self love that has lead me in a new direction. I only do things that make me happy now, things that leave me feeling full rather than drained to the last drop of my energy. I’m learning to protect my energy, to see people for who they really are and not the fantasy I create in my head. I listen to my intuition, I listen to my energy, and I make decisions off what makes me feel good. This has been my key to happiness, as well as hanging around those who love me. My circle is a small one, but its the happiest one. I laugh and smile now more than ever. 

If there is anything that I do miss and yearn for its genuine, vulnerable, intimate connection with one other person. Not necessarily talking about sex, even tho that would be great cause its been a while lol, but I’m talking about that part of a relationship where you’re able to let them see you for who you really are. I want to talk about life, pain, love, happiness, art, different opinions on different things, I want to learn someone new and have them learn me. I want someone to see me in my rawest form and love me for it. I know I’m worthy of that connection, I know what I have to offer and what I bring to the table, I just want to share it. I’m coming to terms that it’s just not my time for all that right now, it makes me sad from time to time but its not extravagant enough not to be able to digest and trigger my depression or anything. I trust in the universes plan for me so I will continue to be patient. 

Anyways, writing this is productive but also a form of procrastination at the moment because I’m supposed to be at my moms by 12:30 to hang out with my brother before he goes back up north. Its 11:32 am, I’m still in bed, gotta get dressed and ready, pick up weed, then drive 30 mins to Huntington Beach. I am truly the Queen of procrastination lol.

Toodles, 

Blu 

[cafeconblu]

10/16/18

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10/15/2018

Two things; One, I know I said I was going to try and write everyday but honestly I think I was being a bit optimistic, Two, I’m high as shit so this might get a little random but fuck it, its my blog and if its going to represent me then let it be known I’m random and my mind wanders extremely lol. Like all I can think about right now is how good this stupid little bottle of gel I bought for three funky ass dollars is, which I coulda used to get a whole jug of gel from the hood beauty supply, but instead I got this tiny baby bottle and that shit holds like the grip of God herself lol. 

Any who, lets check in.  Today is Monday October 15, it is 11:01 am, its windy as fuck outside, the wind is knocking my spray cans around on my balcony, and scaring the high outta me. It’s little things like this that remind me I still have a lot of fear inside me that I need to let go and heal many more trauma wounds. I’ve honestly been doing so well lately, I’ve been hanging out with Kilea a bunch, painting new meaningful and powerful pieces, I’ve even found someone that might be sparking my interest. But for my own personal healing, Im not allowing myself to to become involved in anything that could be distracting. I only do things that make me happy, if anything becomes chaotic or stressful, its out. 

I feel like I’m starting to really understand myself more, allowing myself to be gentle and compassionate towards myself rather than my old pattern of guilt and self shaming. Today I realized that I’m really just an introverted person and theres nothing wrong with that. I don’t have to have a bunch of friends, I don’t have to be social all the time, it’s okay for me to want to be in my house and work alone with no physical or verbal contact with people besides my best friend and a couple other select few I allow into my space. It’s funny because when people meet me they see how outgoing and bubbly I am but really thats just like my super hero disguise. If you really pay attention you would realize I rarely look people in the eyes, I fidget, I even stutter over my words from time to time. I think that might be why I am comfortable in front of my own phone camera, it’s in my control, I can be myself, no one is really there, and when I watch my story back later I always have the option to delete what I posted once i inevitably find something I don’t like about myself or just find myself annoying lol. Its so weird and contradicting, I love and want to help people but I also get nervous in a crowd. I swear I’m one the the strangest and kindest people you will ever meet, I honestly confuse myself half the time. Being a Virgo, with a Sagittarius rising, and a moon in Gemini was a curse and a blessing.. lemme tell yah lemme tell yah. 

Being me is interesting.. I wonder why my soul gave me this shell to wander this realm in? Being me is also pretty cool, sometimes I feel like I’m just kickin back and watching myself grow. Kinda like one of those pretty time lapse videos on Planet Earth II. Yes, the second Planet Earth cause their videos were more high quality and epic as fuck. Speaking of epic as fuck, Kilea and I are going to people watch a Costco today and its bout to be lit. After we will go to a Pumpkin Patch so I can hopefully pet a llama, then come back to the house and make shrimp salad like the healthy bitches we trynna be lol

Anyway thats all I got for you today.. heres a quote i like so I can give off an artsy deep vibe for my sign off. 

 “Don’t let the sadness of the swamp get to you.”

- Yung Bluskeeona 

[cafeconblu]

10/14/18

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10/04/2018

Hey ya’ll, Welcome back. I appreciate all of you who decided to read this and keep up with my self love and healing journey. Today I would like to touch on the topic of the universe and how if you’re taking care of yourself and open to receiving, that abundance will come. 

Now, I’m sure if you know me you must know that I’ve gone thru a lot in my 26 years in this human realm.  I feel likeI have been both open and closed to receiving what the universe wants to give me. I’ve stayed in situations that were toxic and learned lessons thru suffering but now I’m at the point where I’m ready to apply these lessons and accept the love and abundance the universe is ready to give me. My mom told me this morning, “ It’s like the universe wants to reward you for learning your lesson with a little gift.” I honestly couldn’t agree more. Since I’ve began this purge of toxicity in my life, the universe has been sending me people I need to have around me, people who love me, people who believe in me and want to see me go far in this life. I am surrounded by beautiful people who want nothing from me but my time and presence. As a person who is very energy sensitive I really appreciate this. Being around someone I can be one of two things, completely overflowing or completely drained. Honestly, I’ve had enough of being drained. I know who I am, I understand what I have to offer, and I’m fucking sick to my stomach that I haven’t been protecting myself and my energy. It’s kinda like in Harry Potter when Voldemort kills and drinks the Unicorn blood. I feel like the unicorn, sacrificed for someones else’s gain at the cost of my vulnerability.

"[...] it is a monstrous thing, to slay a unicorn. Only one who has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime. The blood of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have slain something pure and defenceless to save yourself, and you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips."

- Firenze, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

This is exactly how I feel. I feel fed off, drained by those energy vampires who want nothing but personal gain and aren’t bothered by what they have to do to get it. No more! I will no longer tolerate people feeding off me, not my energy, not my kindness, none of it. I’m trying to eat with those I love, not feed off them, not beg for food, nor take scraps. 

With that said, I would just like to say I am so thankful everything has happened the way it has, because that is exactly how it was supposed to go. Now I can understand the contrast of what feels good and what doesn’t. If I didn’t go thru what I have then I would never understand what feels good compared to what feels bad. How can we appreciate the light when we’ve never experienced the dark? How could I truly appreciate unconditional love without experiencing toxic love? Some people may not have to go to extremes to understand, but me... I tend to touch the stove every time just to be reminded that shit is hot. 

Anyways, wrapping it up.. 

I am open to receiving my blessings, abundance, and love that I deserve. I am thankful for my second chances with people I loved yet treated poorly and pushed away in order to continue to bask in what was draining me. I am sorry to those who love me and I treated poorly and this time I’m making it right. I am holding myself accountable for my actions and promise to be a better friend. I have been selfish in my past and I’m done with that nonsense. I am coming into a more open, accountable, and caring self. 

I love you guys. 

- Blu

PS. Kilea is back in my life so yall better be ready for the baddest of the baddest pt 2. 

[cafeconblu]

10/02/2018

Here I am again, its 11:40 pm on October 2nd, 2018, and once again I’ve decided to make another Tumblr as an outlet for self expression. They do say third time is the charm tho, right? Anyways, hey.. I’m back again and this time I’m hoping to break this habit where I don’t follow thru on things. 

Well lets see, where do I start? I’m 26 now. It’s much better than 25 but even tho I learned so much in my 25th year, the universe is proving to me I still have so much to learn. This year has been an interesting one. I was so excited for 2018 as 18 is my favorite number and 9 is my life path number so I’m like super connected to it. However I read something the other day by The Trap Witch saying that this year is a 2. Basically this year is going to help us find balance and may I be the first to say I fucking believe it. I have been teeter-tottering back and fourth all year with my emotions and intuition. As of recently I’ve been feeling like I’m outgrowing myself. When I say that I get this visual of a soul bursting out of its human shell, outgrowing the skin it once lived in, leaving behind a shell shattered in pieces. This has been happening to me a lot as well as feeling like I’m finding my purpose. It’s almost like I have this new sense of responsibility to do so much self work to show others who are going thru it that they also have the strength to do so. I’ve had more people reach out to me in ways that I reach out to artists I look up to in the past month than ever before. I realize now that people are watching and I have a responsibility. 

I’ve always felt I was different, but I think it was more so of an insecurity with me than something I was proud of. I was extremely picked on growing up which resulted in my heavy drug use during my Sophomore year, which put me in rehab. After 90 days clean I was introduced to acid and met my first boyfriend who I continued to take lots of acid with while also dealing with physical, phycological, and emotional abuse from him. Now, I will say I have been thru a lot of abuse in the past ten years of my life and i suffer from PTSD, anxiety, depression, and also have had a couple manic blackout episodes where I have attempted suicide or taken part in self harm.. but this is not what I want this blog to be about. So this will be the last and only thing I will say regarding my abusive past; My soul agreed to this life before I ever came to the human realm, I agreed to go thru the suffering and abuse I went thru in order to gain my abilities to paint and all the wonderful perks thats come with that. Thru my pain and suffering I was able to gain a gift, and with that gift I’m able to help people. So for the record, no, I would never change what I’ve been thru because it is what makes me, me. I still feel different, but now I realize why. It’s my intuition, it’s my guides and ancestors, it’s my purpose telling me to use my gift and serve.

So this is where I’m at with it. 

I’ve been planted in darkness, covered with my fair share of dirt, I am experiencing nourishment, theres nothing left to do now but grow. 

Until next time good ol’ sweet Tumblr. 

12:06 am

Signing Off,

Blu