c25mb - Tumblr blog

c25mb · 5 years

Text

Frustration

I thought I figured out exactly what frustrated me with my mother’s partners being in the house all the time. But we’re here again with a different guy, simple and respectful, but doesn’t do his part around the house:

The sink would be empty but he’ll just leave his stuff on the side as if everyone’s duty is to clean up after him.

I’ve never seen him in the kitchen helping my mum even after she complains that she’s tired from work.

These may seem to be minor things but the way my mum shouts and complains to my brothers and I about cleaning up after ourselves and not preparing food at a Godly hour angers me so much. We’ve even had mini family meetings where we had to address the fact that people had to keep the kitchen clean. And my mum has made it very clear that she doesn’t care if my brothers and I have eaten because she’s tired from work and we should have prepared food for HER by this time. She says all of this but will rush to the kitchen at 7.30pm after work to cook a whole meal for her boyfriedns who has been in the house the whole day... She doesnt care that her children (one who is 14 years old) hasn’t eat PROPERLY, as in a well balanced meal, but will slave away in the kitchen to ensure her boyfriend has had a full satisfying meal. To which he repays her by leaving all the dishes NEXT TO the skin for her to come back and clean.

The first issues I had with my mum’s partners was the space they took up. Being the eldest and my mum always at work, I am very comportable in my house to walk around looking like a tramp. But when there are ‘visitors’ it’s impossible to be comfortable like that. What I wear and the space I demand is now controlled because I dont want to look like a mad women infront of someone i dont know.

I also hated guys that would come into the house and demand authority and start making changes. SOrry, but this is not your house and not your family to come and dictate what’s happening. My own mother doesnt even have that right with me. It definelty threatens my role in the house as the second parent which im not willing to give up to someone what doesnt understand the people in this family.

And finally, i hated that my mum had someone she could bitch about my brother and I to. The fact that she feels comfotabe enough to bash me to someone is one thing but in the same house im in is so harsh. Im not deaf and Ive brought this up to her before but she cant help it.

I now realise that my main issue is definely with my mother and the way she treats me. If i’m being completely honest, I’m mad at who she is as a mother but im more frustrated with myself because i havent spoken to her about it for her to actually change. I think im very comfortable being mad at her becuase of everyhting that had happened. But in this present moment im against almost every way she is chosing to go about taking care of her children. How can you say you dont care if we have eaten - bare in mind my brother is extremely malnurished and extremly skinny at the moment. Yes he is 19 and should be capable of cooking for himslef but his mental state and the issues surrounding that has him neglecting him health. Instead of actively working to encourage him to take care of himself she choses to get angry and shout. But hte next day when her boyfirend comes over she is al for going to the kitchen to prepare him food. even ake up early enough to make a full breakfast loooool. would she ever could to this length to ensure the health and wellbeing of her phyiscally and mentally ill son? See, Im old and mature enough to take care of myself but i fear for my yougest 14year old brother who doesnt have a routine or even seen the importance of a healthy diet. It’s very frustrating!

As well as this, Im so sad to see the example my mum sets for my brothers through the way she treats her boyfriends. My brothers see that when a man is in a house with a female, regardless if she works more days and longer ours than the man, it is still her duty/responsibilty to cater to the man, to cook and clean after the man. Now this alone is problamatic BUT the fact that he sits their so comfortably - never giving a helping hand or showing sympathy gets me so mad. My uncle `(on my mums side) is what i would hope my brothers look up to - supportive, ALWAYS giving a helping hand, never ever sitting around while his wife is working, never. I dont think ive ever seen his wife bring him food like that either. not to say it doesnt happen but he just doesnt seem like the type to wait around for it. My dad used to be (and probably still is) that bad example. But he has always taught my brothers the imprtance of cleanliness, organisation and being self sophiciant. He’s an amazing cook, always looks sharp and put together but the man and female dynamic is the only thing that im not sure about with him. When we used to live together he was very much that man that belived women belonged in the kitchen and shouldnt get a job and he always wanted all the control over everyone. I cant say how much thats changed because i dont live with him but i know he sees the issues with it especially now that im grown and he knows im not very domestic but im very bright. the idea of me not being allowed to go to school or have a career would infureate him now actually.

to close off this thought. I dont like the idea of demanding space in a place they dont contribute to. and i dont feel loved unconditionally by my mother - i dont think she loves unconditionally. she has alot against my brothers and i, especially me. probaly feels unappricated but the only way we can more foward is if its addressed..

im afraid to address it:

i find out all she hates about me

ill insult her mortherhood o shell be defensve

i dotn want her to be anxious around me because then itll always be awkard

i dont trust her to keep anything to herself

theres is too much to say so she’ll just think im attacking her

dont want ot hurt her feelings

i’ll cry

ill forget imprtant things

0 notes

c25mb · 5 years

Text

Focus & Confusion

I’m that person that always has to do something. The idea of being ideal - doing nothing all day. Nothing productive makes me extremely anxious.

As I have just quit my internship I’m so motivated to do, literally, everything. But trying to do everything is literally doing nothing. I think the phrase is ‘paralysed by choice’ somthing like that. Being overwhelmed by all the things I could/should be doing.

I’ve set up a few organisiation and planning accounts and documents that have made it a lot easier for me to focus my energy over the last 2 weeks but I tend to forget about them and start writing endless lists on my phone whcih almost never get revisited.

Thankfully I know exactly where my faults lie in regards to pridctivity and focus so I;m sure tomorrow morning I’ll be back on the right path.

Things on my mind:

Setting up my design account - the idea of perfectionism is cripling! Ive been meaning to start this account for 2 years but kept delaying because i thought I wasnt set up yet. To be fair, Im so glad i’m doing it know becasue ive done extensive research into self branding and how to postion myself as a freelance designer. I’ve also revisited alot of my work and made changes that make it look more attractive, professional to suit my target audience. At this point I need to post my intro video and promote the account on my main page. I’ve put unecessary pressure and done all this planning when in reality non of these things go to plan

starting a side business - I really ove managing and producing. the idea of planning and organising things is so exciting to me. I’d love to start a scalable graphic tee brand (cliche) but itll be targetted to young creatives, specifically frelancers. It’ll be nicely designed tshirts of quotes or graphics that empower creatives to stand up for their talents. I was inspired by a quote i found on instragam “my rate is based on my talent, not your budget”. through all the research ive been doing on frelancing and how to get clients and all the issues with being a creative, I’ve noticed a lot of the issues comes from creatives unvaluing themselve and being to scared to ask improtant questions. The idea of charging less than i’m worth because i think im not good enough or because im young and inexperienced is completely backward in the eyes of these people i lok up to in the industry. I think somehting as simple as a typographic tshirt worn to an meeting with a potentioal client could be that boost that they need to be more incontrol...

It’s a work in progress but im excited to continue thinking about it.

Lastly, organising my mental and declutterin my mind is something that i think about but cant do. i know i have to come up with a dissertation title and im trying to get healthier = gain wieght and get into a good routine of taking care of myself and not neglecting my health and hygien. well know that the streess of my internship is behind me , I hope it will push me to taking cafre of my body.

This is my first entry and ideally i’d like to do this everyday but thats not so liekly so... next week maybe.

MAybe

0 notes