burnbilel

[burnbilel]

I was a really quiet child. It always made me proud, knowing that I never disturbed my mother sleep. I was quiet every time, everywhere, always. At home, at school, at family functions, at friends playdate. Playdates did not happened a lot, I was too quiet to make friends. I didn’t want friends, I was scared of them. Scared of being judged, being made fun of, but mostly scared of intimacy. I couldn’t let anyone too close, what if they actually end up knowing me? Knowing my fears? Knowing my desires? Knowing my secrets.

So i stayed alone, safe. I felt safe alone. I was left with my thoughts, sometimes scary one, inappropriate. I always judged myself so hardly, blamed myself for them. how coud I think of those things? Disgusting things? So i kept quiet.

I had siblings. An older sister that sheltered me, mothered me, protected me. An older brother, pretty close of age, not too old to completely live in another world like my sister did, but old enough to guild me in a world we were both navigating in, him ahead of me.
I trusted him, loved him, feared him. Feared him enough to never contradict him, So i kept quiet.

We shared a bedroom deprived of intimacy but it wasn’t an issue, I didn’t need one from him. One day he had a game idea, he said «  lets pretend to make babies ! » so we did. We played, innocently, for a few seconds, until we realized we mustn’t know all the rules to this game. It was a bad game, but just a game. So i kept quiet.

I wet my bed. I would wake up in the middle of the night in my urine soak sheets, embarrassed but incapable of moving. I lay there, in the inconfort of my pee until daylight so I could run to the laundry room and throw them in, in total discretion. I thought I was good at keeping secrets.

One of those morning, after finally waking up I reached my drawer for a clean underwear.

I paused, unable to move.

This vision, this last night dream, this unfamiliar man, naked, me on top of him and him inside of me. I must have been 7 at the time. I couldn't move, I couldn’t speak, how could I? It was my dream, my thoughts, my fault. So i kept quiet.

I grew up, I noticed things in me I didn’t see in other boys, I couldn’t really grasped my head over what it meant exactly, but I knew it was something I shouldn’t share with anyone. So i kept quiet.

I kept having dreams, disgusting dreams. But it wasn’t unfamiliar faces anymore, it was the face of a mother, a sister, a brother. I was ashamed, So i kept quiet.

I lost my virginity at 19 in a motel as dusty as the man I was with. I was drunk, he wasn’t. He finished, 4 time, I remember him announcing it proudly, I didn’t. I went back home and masturbated, alone, with only company my sleeping mother in the other room, So i kept quiet.

I never finished, with anyone. I didn’t want to make them feel unattractive, I didn’t want them to feel blamed, but I didn’t know what to say, So i kept quiet.

I couldn’t share this kind of physical intimacy just like I couldn't share any kind of emotional intimacy. I knew it was troubling, I knew it was a response to something. I questioned myself, travelled into my past but always came back empty handed. So i kept quiet.

This thought haunted me, but the quest embarrassed me. Did I need to find something else, someone else, to blame for my own behavior? So i kept quiet.

I didn't speak to my brother anymore, we grew apart. We were different, different interest, different goals, different life, different sexuality. I didn't feel safe being myself with him anymore, So i kept quiet.

Time past, he changed, I did too. he came back home yesterday so I decided to make us dinner. We ate, and we talked. We talked about everything and nothing, gender, sexuality.  « tell me, are you gay? » I felt safe, So i talked.

We talked about how when why, I felt safe, So i talked.

He asked if something happened to me as a child, I took offense, but still felt safe, So i talked. I said no brother, no-one raped me as a child and turned me gay if this is what you’re asking.

He paused, unable to move. « I did » he said. « are you referencing to that onetime innocent game we had? » I asked, He felt safe, so he talked.

He talked about his childhood, about this videogame he so wanted. About our older neighbor who owned it. He was older but just a kid. Our sister age. He was a kid but older, old enough to know the rules of games we didnt.

I have this memory, that visit me times to times. « if you do it to me I’ll do it to you » I remembered it as a joke, a test, a once moment to shame me for my obvious homosexuality that I was hiding as efficiently as I used to hide my wet sheets. So i said nothing, nothing more than a silent head inclination, I kept quiet.

Now I know it wasn’t a joke or a test, nor it was a once occasion to embarrass me but the end of a game we played many times before. I didn’t know, I couldn't know, but now we’ve talked, Now I know. And I don’t have to keep quiet anymore.

[burnbilel]

[burnbilel]

[burnbilel]

a million drops from the sky

but not a single tear in my eyes

I was waiting for u to tell me why

but I guess I’ll have to wait till I die

I can wait until you love

but there’s not enough days

but there’s not enough nights

for you to feel the doves

It’s cold and you’re turning wet

I wish I could feel the same

but in my eyes not a single tear

maybe I’ll feel loved next year

[burnbilel]

sure it’s nothing unusual

we heard the story a million time

it shouldn’t feel so special

when I’m looking into your eyes

i’m silent cause words can’t describe

the way you and I vibe

under the stars around your arms

I’ve never felt more alive

I just wanna tell you how I feel

but I know we need more time

don’t want you to think I’m ill

for dreaming of our bloodline

It’s a countdown

until I can say the words

with no fear of the unknown

safe from the discord

hush I don’t want this moment to ever die

even when I forget the shape of your lips

hush don’t say one more word

I think we’ve reach the peak of the hill

we keep on getting higher and higher

promise me to take my hand when I stumble

I don’t wanna fall inside the void all alone

[burnbilel]

[burnbilel]

[burnbilel]

HOT PINK

[burnbilel]

should I got the message

when you wrote my name

in the palm of your hand

[burnbilel]

Bettina for Playboy Germany, 1981

[burnbilel]

I’m floating in a sea of tears

but don’t flatter yourself you get no credit

i cry easy that’s the way life made me

ain’t one drip with your name on it

[burnbilel]

[burnbilel]

it’s not your fault

we all get lost

all get tempted

to drive tinted

it’s not too late

you still have time

to make it right

to dissociate

[burnbilel]

[burnbilel]

[burnbilel]

[burnbilel]

you keep on asking me all theses questions

and I don’t know how to tell you

that I don’t know the answers

cause I never took the time

to listen to myself in the dark

i keep on spinning around

spinning till the blur take me out

i keep on spinning around

spinning till the dark turn to light