buchino
buchino
Shortform bloggestry by Michæl Buchino.
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“Wrapped in My Memory” by Shawn Smith
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The Movie Poster Project
One Christmas Eve by Michæl Buchino
Prompt by Emily Roy:
A janitor gets a dog delivered to his work, and he must find a new home for the dog because his apartment doesn't allow dogs. He was diving and saw a woman throwing snowballs at her neighbor. She has 2 kids (she was divorced a year ago and his wife died) he leaves the puppy at their door rings the doorbell and runs away, but it is christmas time and the woman's son left his sled on the ground. The man slips on it and falls and the lady answers the doorbell and fell over the dog trying to help him. Then they get in the car with the dog and kids and the woman and take the injured janitor man to the hospital.
But when they get to the hospital the woman and the man go into the hospital together and leave the kids and dog in the car but they parked in the no parking Zone, then the dog had an accident and the boy went out with the dog but the dog didn't have a leash and the dog ran off into a construction zone and the girl is waiting in the car for her brother to come back the dog runs off. He chases the dog and then he gets injured by falling down into a hole so the girl goes out to find him and follows their footsteps in the snow and finds him laying there then she calls 911 he goes to hospital and they find out he has a broken arm. Then they find out the guy has a broken leg. Since they parked in the no parking Zone the security manager has to tow their car so once everybody's out of the hospital they don't have a car. The security manager feels bad for them and their dog so he lends them their car so the security manager, the kids, the mom, the guy and the dog all get in a car and try to drive home but there's a huge blizzard and their car dies. So they sat there for a long time thinking about what they were going to do then a car behind them pulls up and they think “oh good somebody's going to save” us but they're actually there to rob them.
All they take are their phones and their wallets. The teenage girl saves her phone and the robbers drove away not knowing that they didn't have a phone so then they call 911 they've already called for a tow truck but then the tow truck arrives. As they are hooking their car up, it starts to slip and it falls into this Lake thing and the car is lost forever so they drive home with the police and they sleep at the police station for a little while. The dog wakes up in the morning and goes to the Christmas tree that's in the police office but pulls it down because there's popcorn hanging on the tree and the tree falls down. The dog's okay but then it starts a fire and the police station's on fire the mom's going a little insane they breathe in a lot of smoke but then finally they smell smoke and get out and then the fire station comes everybody makes it out but the dog runs into the middle of the road the dog the mom runs outt dramatically and saves the dog before it gets run over by a truck.
Then the mom faints and they all go to the hospital to make sure they're all okay the mom kind of freaks out and but she ends up being okay they all get to go home and they all have a nice dinner together but the ex-husband promised the kids that they would send them a present for Christmas they open the box and it's another dog and they lived happily ever after
the end
Watch One Christmas Eve.
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The Movie Poster Project
Gremlins by Cynthia Tuan
Prompt by Michæl Buchino:
Un giovane, solo un dolce ragazzo di città medio con una vita tranquilla, riceve un nuovo animale domestico da un vecchio saggio. Tuttavia, se qualcosa va storto, il nuovo animaletto si trasformerà in un mostro e genererà altri mostri!!! Le cose vanno male e i mostri sono ovunque. Il giovane (e Phoebe Cates) combattono i mostri. Questo accade durante le vacanze di Natale.
Watch Gremlins.
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The Movie Poster Project
Rocky 7: Blood Beatings by Brian Stimson
Prompt by Brian Stimson.
Watch Rocky Balboa¹.
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1. This is most likely what Brian was referencing if he was referencing an existing Rocky movie in the franchise.
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The Movie Poster Project
Robot Jox by Maria Lewis
Prompt by Brian Stimson:
Near future
War is illegal
Two gladiators battle in robots to resolve conflicts between countries
Meat is scarce
Hot dogs are a delicacy
Older gladiator mentor wears cowboy hat
New gladiator is a test tube baby
Watch Robot Jox.
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The Movie Poster Project
Krull by Jeanessa Gantt
Prompt by Brian Stimson:
It’s high fantasy meets cheesy late 70s sci-fi featuring a moving castle that appears in a different location each morning. A good guy has to rescue princess and he has to get advice from a black widow woman. The good guy has a five-pointed weapon that he can control with his mind called the glaive.
Watch Krull.
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The Movie Poster Project
Snake Eater by Andy Lunday
Prompt by Brian Stimson:
A MacGyver-esque tough guy goes on a motorcycle mission into the Bayou to rescue a lady from inbreeds who are keeping her in a chicken hut. He uses his wit and make shift inventions, with a little help from a swamp babe and her pappy to build a floating motorcycle.
Watch Snake Eater.
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The Movie Poster Project
Delicatessen by Michæl Buchino
Prompt by Susannah Webster:
In a strange old-fashioned-post-apocalyptic France, an apartment building is home to several eccentric characters, including a clown played by the fabulous Dominique Piñon. One of the tenants, a butcher with a shop, lures victims to be murdered and sold as fresh meat for the other residents. Meat is scarce in this future France and hard choices must be made.
Watch Delicatessen.
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The Movie Poster Project
Big Trouble in Little China by Susanna Webster
Prompt by Michæl Buchino:
This film is built like a video game:
Kurt Russell is a truck driver (named Jack, I think) who arrives in San Francisco. He meets up with his assigned Chinese sidekick for the film in Chinatown. Both women they like (including Kim Cattrall) have been kidnapped by an ancient Chinese god!
They have to rescue their green-eyed ladies by overcoming obstacles in and under Chinatown. They almost drown when water fills up around them. They get stuck in the crossfire of two rival gangs with motorcycles and kicking. There may be a troll?
The bosses are awesome. Jack throws a grapefruit at one of them and he stops it mid-air with his powers and shoots it back into Jack’s chest. Then the boss starts doing lightning with his hands and eyes.
Another boss can just inflate until he explodes. Another boss just has swords.
One of the bosses captures Jack and his buddy. The god is trying to marry the women. If he gets a few drops of their blood, he becomes youthful again.
The buddy kills one boss in a sword fight. Jack throws a knife into the god’s face and rescues the women. A friend of the heroes kills the lightning guy. The explody guy explodes when he finds his god all dead.
Everything collapses but everyone is also saved.
It is insinuated that Jack and his pal hook up with the women (including Kim Cattrall). Then Jack leaves in a rainstorm. The troll is hitching a ride on the back of Jack’s truck as the credits scroll…
Watch Big Trouble in Little China.
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The Movie Poster Project
The Power by Brian Stimson
Prompt by Michæl Buchino:
Una giovane ragazza nera che vive con le suore usa i suoi superpoteri fulminei per diventare una figura di Cristo contemporanea. Le schiave del sesso combattono contro gli uomini e vincono.
Watch The Power.
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The Movie Poster Project
Black Moon Rising by Michæl Buchino
Prompt by Brian Stimson:
A young Tommy Lee Jones is a drifter being chased by a bunch of guys with uzis, but his luck turns upside down when he meets a that lady from Terminator with a puffy mullet, and they both try and steal a future-looking super car that has rocket exhaust ... and then somehow Robert Stack (The Man from U.N.C.L.E.) is hiding the car, and he lives in a big high rise and his business is stealing cars, and you better believe he stole the future car, so it's up to our young drifter to fuck ole puffy hair mullet lady, get his cassette tape back from teh car (did I mention he stashed a sweet cassette tape in the car? No? He stashed a sweet cassette tape in the car, that's why he needs the car, but then he fell in love with the lady, who works for stack … It gets complicated). And then he has to get the car out of the high rise, so he drives it out the 77th story window into the building next to it (and yes, yes, Fast and Furious 7 totally stole that scene cause this came out in the fucking 80s).
Watch Black Moon Rising.
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The Movie Poster Project
The Assignment
Person A describes a movie plot to Person B.
Perhaps in a different language. Do not reveal the title. Do not art direct the image. Remember The Wizard of Oz.
Person B draws/paints movie poster.
Move quickly; don’t overthink it. Liberally add guns, explosions, cleavage, muscles, monsters, Michael Jackson—whatever you think will help sell the movie.
When nearly complete, Person A reveals the title and Person B adds the title to the movie poster.
Suggested medium: watercolor on 6" x 9" paper.
☞ GALLERY
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The Story
The Movie Poster Project emerged from a conversation between Brian Stimson and me. I had been admiring bespoke Ghanaian movie posters, a bizarre and magical treasure trove of artistry. (Find more here, here, here and here.) I shared them with Brian, an 80s action movie enthusiast.
Immediately, we had questions:
Had the artist seen the movie? Who described these movies to the artist? Were the descriptions transcribed from an unfamiliar language? How could you account for the gratuitous violence, explosions and Michael Jackson? Are Ghanaian audiences expecting to actually see Robin Williams in drag stab a guy in the eye with a broomstick? Are they disappointed to find The Godfather isn’t about a giant cat?
These unlicensed images have an abundance of creative license. While deviating from the true plot, these posters feel like they were created by true fans. Unlike the heavily Photoshopped detritus to which we are so accustomed—official Hollywood posters—these masterfully crude artworks feel celebratory and precious.
Brian and I imagined being assigned the task of creating movie posters for a cinema. We added a few parameters (see above) to inspire unexpected solutions and set forth to make our own movie posters.
We assigned more friends to make posters, and the results were amazing. We shared prompts with strangers/new friends at drink & draws, and the results were amazing. The earnestness, silliness, winsomeness and, indeed, artfulness are amazing.
We want to share The Movie Poster Project—by assigning posters to folks and by posting them online. As they accumulate, I will post the results here. Who knows? Perhaps it will inspire you to make some posters with friends. (I’d love to see the results! Contact me by email via michael at buchino.net.)
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Then the last thing I want to say about the US Navy is this: Occasionally our ships would get visited by admirals. Even destroyers and mine-sweepers get visited, like for inspections or courtesy tours or whatever. And as they wander around, they see a female able seaman, they sometimes stop to chat and ask questions. These were usually older men, once a woman—that was fun. They all started at Annapolis and made Navy their life, and no matter how fast they rose through the ranks, they’ve lived on ships and know the drill. So they’re well-informed, and interested in how things are for sailors now. Curious and friendly, I’d say, and surprisingly normal. Like a captain, but less pretentious.
Then later I looked it up and learned that admirals’ salaries top out at $200,000 a year. No one in the Navy gets paid more than that per year. So they call this the pay differential, it’s sometimes expressed as a ratio from lowest pay to highest. That ratio for the Navy is about one to eight. For one of the most respected and well-run organizations on Earth. Sometimes this gets called wage parity or economic democracy, but let’s just call it fairness, effectiveness, esprit de corps. One to eight. No wonder those admirals seemed so normal—they were!
Whereas in the corporate world I’ve read the average wage ratio is like one to five hundred. Actually that was the median; one to 1,500 happens pretty often. The top executives in these companies earn in ten minutes what it takes their starting employees all year to earn.
Ponder that one for a while, fellow citizens. People talk about incentives, for instance. A word from business schools. Who is incentivized to do what in a wage ratio of one to a thousand? Those getting a thousand times more than starting wage earners, what’s their incentive from out of that situation? To hide, I’d say. To hide the fact that they don’t actually do a thousand times more than their employees. Hiding like that, they won’t be normal. They’ll be bullshitters. And for the lowest income folks, what’s their incentive? I’m not coming up with one right off the bat, but the ones that do eventually come to mind sound cynical or beat down or completely delusional. Like, I hope I win the lottery, or, I’m going to shoot up now, or, The world is so fucked. You hear that kind of thing, right? Maybe incentive isn’t the word here. Disincentive, to keep it in that lingo. When you get one pay amount, and someone doing something easier gets a thousand of that pay amount, that’s a disincentive to care about anything. At that point you throw a rock through a window, or vote for some asshole who is going to break everything, which may give you a chance to start over, and if that doesn’t work then at least you have said fuck you to the thousand-getters. And so on.
Excerpt from The Ministry for the Future (Chapter 76) by Kim Stanley Robinson, 2020 (libby / buy)
#The Ministry for the Future#Kim Stanley Robinson#pay differential#wage ratio#wage parity#late stage capitalism
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vimeo
Boring Ghost
Story by Sam Miller
Animation by Michael Buchino
In the early days of 2020, I saw Sam Miller perform a side-splitting stand-up set in Portland. Sam and I connected through Instagram and became fast friends. Later that spring, when a little free time opened up (I lost all my client work when pandy hit 🎉), we decided to see if some of his free-floating ruminations would work as a moving picture.
I set his voice memo to a couple hundred hand-drawn scribbles. Et voilà, une animation est née. It has been featured in the Kyiv International Short Film Festival 10 (December 2020) and Portland Comedy Film Festival (September 2022).
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