brainriotdump

[brainriotdump]

Woke up with the overwhelming feeling that nobody actually cares about me. I hate this mood.

Hopefully I can shake it off with some retail therapy!

[brainriotdump]

It's so interesting to see how some people genuinely never struggle with asking for help or money or anything. Like for me it's not even a pride thing, I have hardly any actually. It's more so a control thing and a fear of feeling like a burden. Lol so fun. Anyways today was actually pretty darn good. Hung out with the lil seester and she's nifty. We get along well.

[brainriotdump]

Well.

The party wasn't quite as I imagined it, however it was fun. Saw and held babies, my baby got to play with a smaller baby.. life was great.

But now I'm laying in bed. And my brain is just so stupid.. picking apart every little thing said every interaction.. I don't know why it's like this. But I just wanna curl up and be a hermit crab for the next 7 days just to recharge. I used every ounce of my social energy today and fuck was that hard.. not looking forward to the shit show of a wedding in 2 months now 😭

But hey it's cool.. it's not about everyone else!

Today was for my baby.. the wedding is for our love. Every day I live is for those things. ❤️

[brainriotdump]

I try to go to sleep by getting off my phone finally

But my mind is too loud. Constantly drowning in negativity that only spirals if I don't have a distraction. It frickin sucks. Why does my brain insist on being like an old computer with too many viruses and pop up ads

"Im tired of being alive" "remember that awkward convo 3 years ago?" "What if you just ran away"

I want to be happy and I am happy, until it's night and there's no one awake to talk to. Alone in my thoughts, that honestly I hate sharing anyways because then I just overthink that convo. It's bogus.

This dumb wedding shit has me stressed out again. How is it that people are so good at just not being aware of others. Like where's any of the consideration?

I'm overwhelmed and it's exhausting feeling like I'm dealing with this alone because nobody else has answers or can relate lol

I don't even want my wedding to be anything serious yet here I am, being too serious about it.

How do I just *stop* 😀

[brainriotdump]

Well it's been a min but I can't sleep again. Way too many bubblrs lol

My therapist sorta slipped in I was bipolar with the depression stuff and I still can't really see that. I think I'm more in line with untreated ADHD and having like a hormonal onset depression if that makes sense. Like a pmdd type. Idk things can just feel so overwhelming it's near paralyzing. So I'm thinking it maybe was a mistake she left it in there because she never discussed that with me which feels sorta unprofessional?

Life's just been a lot. I have so many things going on yet nothing much? My daughter's birthday is a huge deal to me lately so I've been sweating over a lot of details for it. I'm throwing a party because I'm proud of myself and my fiance for managing to make it this far and successfully. I know she won't remember it but photos can last a lifetime and I want her to know just how much she's truly loved. Plus it's definitely a reason worth celebrating. After that it's back to wedding planning though.. blaarghhh. Not a vibe. Still wishing we did an elopement. I hate that so much money is going to be spent on this shit when we could've used it for a house or travel. I've been hoarding my tax return just to pay for everything when the time comes and man oh man the amount of great food in far away places we could've tried instead. I know money comes and goes but I just don't think this stress of pleasing others is worth it. I just want a chill day but I already feel like a chicken running around with my head cut off. People wanting +1s but people not RSVPing fast enough, praying people aren't fucking stupid and actually read the email with the website. I'm not paying the caterer for all these people that RSVPd only for like no one to show up. It's not that I care if people dont come, it's just the amount of money being spent because they said they will be there ahead of time..

Hell if only 6 1/2 people showed I wouldn't be too sad about the beverage prices 🥴🤣 but yeah if famous Dave's brings food for 50 people worth, I have to pay for 50 people worth of food. And that's a lot of food wasted if no one shows!

It'll be fine the day of "It GoEs By So FaSt" anyways. Me and my love are celebrating our love and that's all that truly matters that day tbh.

I just can't help but feel financially stressed over it. Even though we're doing it as cheaply as possible.

[brainriotdump]

It's really crazy to me that there's people out there who don't have anxiety about starting a new life, like how do y'all just move states, get new jobs, find new people??

Why do I have this anxiety? When I've done it twice as a kid but can't do it as an adult LMAO

I hate Wisconsin with a passion, but apparently not enough to leave outta spite to override the nerves.

[brainriotdump]

Do I feel disconnected from my peers because I refuse to let anyone truly know me, out of fear they will reject me at my fullest because I've always felt like too much or a burden to people who were supposed to love me unconditionally?

[brainriotdump]

I've never felt like I fit in with my friends.

Despite my friend group always fitting into the stereotypical "odd ones, misfits" but also just like I would always more or less somehow be friends with people from many different group categories??

So when I get everyone together it's always awkward. It's been better lately.. but sometimes it feels as though I've outgrown those people.

I've been slowly noticing more and more just how much I'm the back up friend. I suppose I have had backup friends in the past too, but they're still usually more my friend than I am theirs.

It's so rough knowing there's people out there that I could see myself clicking with perfectly. There's people unafraid to be their full, unhinged goofball. I'm that person to most people l, I'm sure I'm often viewed as "a hoot" .. but I still hold back immensely just how wacko I am 😅

I can recall always being the silly sister. I kinda could serve as comedic relief most of the time.. shit still do, despite always feeling like I have the wrong timing or execution lol

I couldn't be a stand up comedian though, or like a viral sensation, but that's mostly due to my dislike of being perceived.. which is a whole other ballgame.

Anyways.. here's to still growing man

[brainriotdump]

I confessed to my therapist that I'm most likely cutting everyone off after the wedding and I've been just faking my way til then.. lol

I said I realized maybe it was kinda fucked up but it's not in the same breath if it's giving me a peace of mind. Life is easier when there's no one to give a fuck y'know? I have my baby and my man. And honestly if I'm not the first to reach out.. nobody cares about me and that's a-ok cuz I genuinely have stopped caring about most. I'm tired of disappointment, comparison, shit talk. I've outgrown these people.

But fucking A. My life has been so shit after that session. Couldn't get myself to work when I really need to.. my anxiety is too overwhelming and I'm stuck. I can't clean my house.. I cancelled Trent's birthday party because I just don't want people here. I hate this place so much. I make it work for my day to day life it's fine but by no means can anyone come over and see the state it's in. And I refuse to host a party of people I can't socialize well with at this point. I just wish it never came up. Trent deserves the party but it's taking the worst toll on me and as shit as that sounds in just not capable of giving him that. I was too energetic months ago when I planned it only to dress it for the next few weeks on end. Now I've gone and secretly cancelled it. He's a big boy. It'll be fine. I can't even afford to throw it anyways.

Fucking anxiety.

[brainriotdump]

I got a little careless with my money and I thought I had enough for my 1 bill but I guess that bill wasn't why I was broke.. oops. I still have a good amount in savings.. but I dunno.

I have this crippling issue that I'm aware isn't gonna help anything but I'm always afraid my man resents me for not working/paying for more. I always want to go out and it's always on his dime. Most of the time if I want stuff for myself I'll pay for it, or if there's a smaller grocery bill/we go for fast food I try to cover it.

We personally have discussed a joint account after marriage, so we can stop the "who's got this?" Game & it won't feel like a Me vs. Him in my head anymore.

Lots of people tell me that they could never do a joint account and I'm like... What?? If you're living together and married I don't see why not, however I understand why people prefer their own money accounts. We want to do more things together but it's hard when we can't see our money combined. I dunno, it'll be interesting. I feel like it'll actually help us both greatly with saving money tbh. Because then we can actually have that money to save rather than me going broke trying to keep up with how often he pays.

Sigh. I woke up at like 3am today so that's been fun. Kinda proud of myself that I was in a bad mood for a little bit and it didn't ruin my whole night, I sat there and was like why is this upsetting me so bad and what could I do instead of moping? And the night turned into a better one. :) I just want to be a better person. A healthier partner. A good mom.

[brainriotdump]

I've always loved to plan extravagant parties. I wanted to do a rainbow themed one for a long time.. and then a luau/Beach theme..

My baby is getting a Berry First Birthday party, which is just strawberries themed. Which is a pretty common choice, however I am so so excited!! It'll be the first legitimate party with decor and all I've ever thrown. I've had birthday parties in the past that we tried to make work, I remember the lady bug one most. I made a "pinata" lol, we spray painted it red with black dots and my dad actually got me a lady big cake. I hope some day I can throw another lady bug party. I'm so excited for my kiddos big day.

[brainriotdump]

In one of my last posts I believe I said I was always a good kid. I mean that as in I literally could've been so chaotic, but I just never did anything too terrible. I mean the worst id behave was if I was trying to be "cool" with my friends. It trips me out. Was it because of anxiety? I never really socialized well enough to gain any do-badders lmao

Was it just a constant fear of punishment?

Who knows. Time to to open up in therapy.

[brainriotdump]

I can't tell if it's part of growing up or healing that makes me start to realize just how much misery enjoys company. Things just don't matter as much anymore.. or maybe I've just become more numb/less sympathetic to emotions? Lol it's really confusing to describe. I definitely feel a lot of emotions still, but am much better at not spiralling as bad. However I'm still up late at night unable to turn my brain off. My sister has cried in front of me a lot lately and I was more annoyed than sorrowful and it makes me wonder if I'm in the wrong for that. Like her issues would be so easy to solve but...I understand I'm not the one living them! I truly do recognize that I speak from such a place of privilege when it comes to these things and this may contradict my past post "doing the best with what you have" or something I don't know where I was going with that. We have the same resources she could easily access them and utilize them more wisely. Maybe that's what's always irked me. Is how we could be so similar yet turn out bizarrely different. The other day I realized that she's almost copying my life like very weird random things are eerily similar!! Which my mind has a habit of turning that into a positive thing.. it worked out for me so now it's her turn to have something work out for her. I do believe most people deserve good, great things even. Some people genuinely just get dealt a bad hand and have to work harder at life than others. Coping with reality is super frickin hard, but one thing I've noticed myself is I tend to believe I'm still in an old one. The trauma has tarnished my abilities to be present and realize I've come a long way from then and I'm actively keeping it that way. The reality now doesn't need coping, current me is actually really fricking good and I take a lot of that for granted because I'm still harsh on myself to be better to do better to constantly strive for more. I go through phases where I think I'm actually really good like in therapy I already said my financial stress is almost obsolete.. maybe from being a slight pessimist of 'hey I could die tomorrow so may as well buy the serotonin I need today!' while simultaneously managing to save *SOME* money because I'm gonna live to be 120 and would like to have a house in the next housing market crash. Truth be told as terrible as it is to compare or say "it could be worse".. it's true. Only because I've had it worse, and now I'm not worse. If I compare me to me is that really bad? I'd call it *reflection*

I have a tendency to ramble here so late at night when I should be sleeping so sorry if any of these sentences aren't coherent. I just like to jot down my brain's constant improv monologue as it flows to help make space for the sheep to jump

[brainriotdump]

On the topic of the last post, my future husband literally came through on a small Easter egg hunt and put together a basket for our baby and it was already giving me such great feels about how her life will be drastically better than mine comparatively because her dad genuinely did in some ways and he'll always be sure to continue any of that holiday spirit magic for her! I absolutely love it. I may need some encouragement to get hyped for some holidays at times due to my lack of experiences, but seeing her have that chance at a "normal" life makes me thrilled. I've already got matching Halloween costumes for this year since like January!! So I am hyped for some things LOLOLOLOL

(also details I left out in the last post is like if my friends couldn't give me a ride to or from I wasn't going to a lot of things.. I could be gone for hours and nobody seemed to care..)

[brainriotdump]

Today I am going to dump a lot of thoughts about my parents, inspired by a tiktok of a mother throwing away their kid's school "art" and not wanting to trauma dump on her page. I have nothing wrong with her throwing away those obscure scribbles and whatnot.. it just reminded me how my parents threw away EVERYTHING.

It got to the point where I stopped bothering bringing stuff home. I'd throw it away as soon as I got it back at school. I made mother's day cards that got a glance at and tossed to the side only to watch it be thrown away carelessly on the odd day my parents decided to clean. I'd say it was mostly my mom who never cared. My dad does still have things I made for him, it's not paper stuffs but hey he kept them. One thing is literally a stuffed glove I made into an ILY hand lol and it travelled with him from Texas back up here so that actually kinda warms my heart, it's still hanging in his room :)

But yeah with that being said.

My parents didn't work much in my lifetime that I can recall. They never wanted to lose their benefits through the state or whatever. They could've done small part time gigs just to bring in some extra income, but they always excused themselves due to being deaf. I'm grown up now and see many deaf people are employed, If they're determined, they do. Not to say we didn't have income, but it wasn't ever budgeted properly or prioritized. Even food stamps would go down the drain quickly being used to spoil my little sister or on soda. Don't get me wrong I got some goodies at times too, but if it were down to the last $5 it went to them. Honestly it's kinda bad that putting this all out I feel like it's really more of my mom who ruined childhood. Being absent most the time but "fucking up" when she was present. Which is why when I brought my own child into the world I had to distance myself greatly.

My dad only really just started being crap. He's done a few things that were questionable like spewing too much information on a young me that I didn't need to know about (his affairs or how my mom hurt him.. I was kinda like a child therapist at times LOL) but he owes me money and he just can't keep up with his word.

They both could've showed up a lot more for me. You'd think your kids are on free state insurance you'd take them to the dentist or doctors more often. When therapy was recommended for your preteen with suicidal ideation you'd think you'd take that seriously.. or shit when you read her Facebook posts that were essentially screams for help. They've only showed up to few school events for me. They never made holidays special or feel magical. We were broke and it was made known. Some kids raised in near poverty had no clue they were struggling because their parents made sure to make good memories.. my parents excused themselves in that too.

They say your parents did the best they could with what they knew.. and I'm sure maybe that's true. But I'm still struggling with the idea that they really thought they didn't need to show a little more affection or attention. Maybe they were truly just unaware.. trying to punish my older sister constantly and worrying about my little one more. I was always a good kid, good grades, respectful. Didn't ask for much.. I've done kid things that would be perceived as bad behavior at times but I didn't do it enough or something because the attention to me was slackinlackin at times. I dunno man I know the joke is the middle child always goes forgotten or whatever but my parents really held that true 🤣 which is like maybe why I'm so successful in comparison.. I've just been doing my own thing for so long i kept up the good chill child vibes and adhered to the societal norms, Trying to fit in and be normalish or something lol

I dunno. Having my own kid seriously made me realize what NOT to do and while it's definitely a challenge at times to raise a child while healing your own inner child. I definitely think with the level of awareness I have about all of this stuff, I'll definitely be a bit better than my own parents when it comes to fulfilling my kids' needs. I just need to remind myself that I am not my parents and I don't need to fail myself just because they did. And with doing that, I won't fail my baby!

It's just so hard to unlearn bad habits and so hard to stick to new things. But I am determined to have a more organized and stable life.

[brainriotdump]

When things are good I don't really need an outlet, so I don't write daily..

However I'll admit things are pretty good today but I made a realization.

My parents had no excuse. If they cared they would've come to xyz.. they never outright said they wouldn't come to something to let me down easy y'know? They'd just get my hopes up instead. Idk something to talk about in therapy maybe.

So yeah! But my kid is 11 months now and she said Hi yesterday! I'm so excited for her birthday party.

[brainriotdump]

Is it normal to have doubts about getting married?

Listen, I know relationships take a lot of effort and work. I'm happy but I don't know if I'm happy..

Would I be better off alone? Or just keep up the facade to make life easier.. (financial support).

I still want another baby too. We've been together 4 years but there's still times where things don't feel right. He's only my second person ever.. I mean sometimes people are with one person for life! I don't know. I struggle a lot with self sabotage so I know sometimes I don't think the clearest. Wedding is in July.. but I can't help myself second guessing. Sometimes it seems like maybe we aren't meant to be despite everyone saying we are a perfect couple. In most ways though we are pretty ideal. He's genuinely a good dad, I fully believe I got "lucky" there. I know some women do everything for the kid but I'd say we are very much 50/50 when we are home (besides me breastfeeding but I really don't mind since I can be on my phone while doing that && he's very helpful if I do need anything done!!) Like I'd genuinely say in comparison to what other women I know.. yikes I have it way good! And I recognize that for sure. It's just..

This man has traumatized me in the past and though we've discussed it, there are still times where my body itself cannot move on from it. However I've also done bad shit in the relationship.. so it really goes both ways. I 100% do take accountability on my negative impact towards the relationship too.

My doubts may be more than normal, but I need to trust that he's fully ready and knows what we're getting into. I have a hard time accepting that somebody could look past all of my "flaws" enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me!! However with that being said it's due to the *mental Illnesses & trauma* that I have such a low self esteem. My parents really didn't come thru for me often.. I've kind of been conditioned to believe I am a burden.

Which goes back to me wanting to distance myself from EVERYONE THAT LOVES ME AHAHAA cuz like.. bruh why me I don't deserve love pls stop perceiving me.. lol

Anyway, I'm kinda glad I started this diary type account. It might help me in therapy when words get hard.

Today was actually good though!! I finished the first color on my diamond art, did some dishes, took Junie outside to play for the first time in the grass.. ugh it was genuinely a beautiful day man. I cooked a good dinner! I discovered that there's a new season of Close Enough too! Which Trent and I plan to continue possibly tomorrow. I also got McDonald's and didn't really hate myself for spending the money.. probably because I got a bunch of free sauce AND THE BIG MAC WAS FREE TOO WHOOP WHOOP! lol wow reflecting on today really made me calm down about what I was upset about. Which was trying to explain autism to Trent lmao.

It came up due to a TikTok I watched about "quirks" of it & I laughed because I related to EVERY SINGLE ONE. Listen. TikTok is probably so terrible but it's not at the same time??

My fyp used to push a ton of ADHD stuff to me and I always had an inkling but it kind of just verified that and I finally went to get diagnosed and it genuinely helped to do that.. but now it's veered to straight Autism annnnd welp. (Ex: girl not wanting to exist can't seem to function like everyone else in society- comments said check out ASD they all felt the same way til they had answers)

Which to me makes sense but doesn't. I've taken the online quizzes and they're usually like no you do not have it and it would make sense I understand that a lot of neurodiverse things are comorbid so I quite possibly may just have ADHD but I think I could have OCD at least too due to some other factors.. but like what if by that point it's like shit just call me autistic and get rid of all the other labels 🤣🤣 is that how it works?? Just kidding I know it's not but idk. Life is tough sometimes but I know it'll get easier as I gain the tools to do so. I just want to be good for my kid y'know? Which I think I'm definitely on the right path of that. I am fully aware there's no such thing as a perfect parent and I've allowed myself the grace to mess up here and there!!

Anyways, I'm done rambling for now!! Good night diary, thanks for being my secret outlet.. my safe space ❤️