borzoibuds

[borzoibuds]

5 BOMBA-RASTACLAAT messages being ignored in a row I'm gonna kms

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god I just want to vomit up all of my feelings this migraine is killing me and.im gonna relapse when I go home

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im gonna tweak out!

the only thing keeping me from having a global crashout are these damn antidepressants! kid you not if I wasn't on medication now id actually be going FUCKING INSANE !!

because the way im getting IGNORED, im getting called distrustful AGAIN AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I DID !!

THERES TOO FUCKING MUCH GOING ON IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW TO DEAL WITH THIS PLEASE DONT PMO

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slamming my head on the desk NOT AGAIN

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I feel like I'm growing the spines of a lionfish im EXHAUSTED.

no matter what I try, what I do, or how trustworthy I try to act I get naught. I am trying to be patient as I normally am but I'm not used to NOT being leaned on and it feels so weird

I hate not being trusted, I hate being called a liar. I do anything and everything to not be called one but god knows my track record

ive waited a week to get medicated because my mom refuses it, was yelled at and talked over during a situation I had no clue about... I literally should've just lied at that point because that seems to be what everyone wants

so fuck telling the truth! ill lie as much as everybody needs me to. ill lie that I don't need medication, ill lie that I'm okay, ill lie that I'm not contemplating suicide every fucking day that passes and that my calves and ankles don't look like I walked through a pit of glass. ill keep lying that the blood in my finished artworks is red paint, ill keep lying that I don't need therapy, ill keep lying that I'm not getting back into sh

ill just take the role of being dishonest and grow with it. nobody sees me telling the truth so why even fight it?

sincerely,

samir.

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in the words of famous black fisher... WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING??

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he's fading out.

I might be the only one left.

not so sincerely,

samir.

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ruined.

in seconds I watch the brightest burning wick turn to none. a flame that stood strong finds itself evaporated, dripping wax stopping before it falls off onto the ground

for why must I burden having such cold hands? why can't I hold something without it freezing over?

I wait for so long and I can be so warm. so why? why must I suffer like this? forever frozen in a case of ice.

my fingertips will always be blue, gloves will never make it better. I just wait quietly in pain from the way my blood does not reach past my wrists.

for those who have warmth, you better appreciate it.

because for me? I am not made to be warm.

I am made to be cold.

not so sincerely,

andro and samir.

[borzoibuds]

wanted to find a way to describe a meltdown and/or shutdown and this is the best way I could put it into visual using words and hyperfantasia:

inside of your chest lies a core. it is circular and white, shining with glee like that of a star. that core however is very reactive. it is your main source of energy, of love, of life. it holds everything inside of you so its form can change so much in such a short amount of time. one day its surface may lie flat, the other it can be covered in spikes. though its annoying how it changes you get used to it.

...but its different for me.

no matter what happens, good or bad, the form usually does not change. some days it might show a small distortion or rise in spikes but mainly it remains flat. life doesn't affect in on the surface but when you cut it open and look from the inside... theres something pooling in there. black, gruely, something of pain. it is a mass that is growing bigger, a collection of cries and agony. usually it can escape but because the shell of my core is so sturdy it can only continue to gain strength unnoticed.

one day though... things begin to pile up like that of a crash.

maybe the lights are too bright in the classroom, the hallways are too noisy. maybe my mom lectured me on the way to school, maybe my teacher pointed something out that brought a small feeling of embarrassment. somebody could've ignored me, my joke could've been returned with silence, etcetera.

and thats already so much so it cant get worse, right?

unfortunately days aren't 8 hours.

so now we have the rest of the day to get through. the texture of my dinner could've crumbled on my tongue when it should be soft. my sister could be talking too loud or joking too much when I'm in no mood to laugh and I'm stuck exhausted. my friends could be in conflict, my lights could hum, my dog could wail out with no reason to do so.

and then suddenly before you even realize it... the core breaks.

that strongbuilt, steel-made core just... cracks open like an egg. the abundance of negative emotions spill out in a screech. they pull and they push and its too much to handle at one time.

all control over your body is lost during this chaos. tears fall even if you want to choke them back, your head pulses while you pound your own skin and hit yourself. you try to distract from your pain, your suffrage, but it doesn't work as well as you want.

and depending where you are it only gets worse. the hum on the lights is suddenly deafening, the fabric of your carpet climbs and grabs onto your skin. everywhere and anywhere is uncomfortable so you just... curl up.

there is nowhere else to go, you can't get any of your words out through the sobbing, and life becomes horrid. you are stuck there in your own silence till the pain wears out and you're left... blank?

you climb off the floor and check your soul. you see that not a single piece of that white shield is left... only leaving the bubbling and crackling of the dark matter inside. while it repairs you are left uncommunicative and unresponsive. you feel naught and you're paused in time.

and you're trapped like that till the shield rebuilds.

and condemned to the same fate once it does.

sincerely, samir

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vent //

satisfaction is always something so short-lived. I was finally told for the first time in my life id be medicated. I was going to have something to help with the anxiety, the distraction.

I felt so happy because even if it took time for things to build up id be able to focus better. my grades could finally stop dropping, I could reach my full potential.

just to learn that my insurance doesn't support it.

and that caused me to shutdown immediately.

cause today at the doctor's office I listened to my doctor tell me that every problem I was dealing with was... basically nothing. that everybody gets distracted, that not everybody likes to be touched, etcetera. being told that because I could answer a simple empathy question I'm not autistic.

but ive dealt with so much more than what she knows. of course I can answer an empathy question when you're just asking if I'd give my mom a bandaid if she'd get hurt. that's the LOGICAL thing to do, not empathy.

everytime I speak out my emotions are drowned out. every single time I do its ignored and/or pushed to the side until I start hurting myself again. by then all I'm hearing is "why didn't you tell me? I could've helped" a thousand goddamn times.

why must I bleed for you to notice my sorrow? how much longer will I have to wait to have something to stabilize my dysfunctioning mind? what day will that psych appointment come? will I need to wait another several weeks for you to call and assign one? will I ever truly learn whats wrong with me? why everything can be perfect but just the smallest bit of stress tears me apart?

at this point im sliding away into nothing. I hate my body, my mind, my personality. the way I dress, the way I act, my smile, my life. not who I have in my life but just... me. the life I'm burdened to live, the extreme game I never wanted to start.

was the advanced route planned for me beforehand? were things awlays supposed to turn out this way? sobbing, begging for that little 10 year old girl to be seen. the 10 year old who lost everything so fast. the 10 year old who had to handle everything so fast. the kid that never got to grow. the kid that I once was. sincerely, andro.

[borzoibuds]

locking in for may

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ed vent //

I keep eating and I feel so disgusted with myself

food has turned to foreign object. taking bites feels like im consuming nails.

my teeth grinds against the metal in agony. I know it's good for me, I know it's not supposed to hurt me, but it does.

it makes me want to scream and cry when I eat more than one meal a day. I get stuck fighting myself on to eat lunch or not because everything that goes into me will add onto the scale.

I can't do it I can't do it

im gonna start purging.

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ed vent //

I need to detach from food again.

I felt so clean, so good without it. food didnt feel like a necessity and I was finally losing

I hit 190 again while eating and got so happy so I ate more. turns out I got too happy and now im back at 193-195.

I got so comfortable with food again I forgot what it causes. I forgot it makes the fat in my skin bigger, I forgot how unattractive it makes me.

I just need to starve. to starve for the cause of my body. I will be healthier if I am thinner, I will be better if I am thinner.

this last treat and I'm going back to fasting and omads with low calories. I can't disappoint my team or my boyfriend, I must lose for their sake.

sincerely,

andro

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vent //

im beginning to lose my mind again and nobody will ever notice it.

I stare blankly at my black walls for hours, stuck permanently within my mind like a soul trapped in an inescapable object. I feel no drive to make actions and I try my best but my best won't ever be enough.

when food is placed in front of me all I can think about is how I'm going to gain. I can't think about how much I'm gonna enjoy it or how it'll taste, just about the weight it's gonna put onto me and how my progress is gonna be set back.

my mind has begun to think about purging through exercise. I don't like vomit so maybe working out excessively after a meal or walking some miles will burn it off before it gets too bad. I just hit 190 and I want to go back to being 186. I don't want to gain again im gonna relapse if I do

work is slow and everything is shattering again. the voices are trying to help me but it feels like ive molded into the ground. this smile I put on my face is nothing but cruel. it hurts to grin for so long and I scratch at my cheeks trying to remove the flesh and nerves so I don't feel the pain anymore

when will things get better? when can I stop substituting tension headache pills for meds? when can weed stop being a release for me? when will my brain stop releasing chemicals upon the blood that runs down my arm which rids of the stress?

I am a bug under the sole of someone's boot. I should be crushed, destroyed, made into nothing. however, the build of the shoe prevents me from dying completely, leaving my appendages snapped and sensors ruined.

what a worthless life this is to live.

what a worthless soul I am on this planet.

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this dumb motherfucker really just went and relapsed over not getting a fucking text back just for his partner to appear 5 bomboclaat minutes later and text him back

you are a fool and a scoundrel who was hoodwinked by his own mind this is sick

sincerely,

samir

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vent //

I can't tell if I'm allowed to feel upset or not.

tonight was my bf and Is 3 month anniversary. in the sense of global terms 3 months is one of your first relationship milestones to see where the rest of it will go

this same day he told me upfront about one of his mental disorders. I am very open & flexible when it comes to such things so I immediately began researching it and asked his other bf abt how I can help, etcetera

however since then he hasn't texted me.

and I understand that. it was something really big to him that others don't know about so I can't blame him for taking a moment. I guess I'm just upset because I wish he'd at least said goodnight to me or replied to the paragraph I sent him

I saw him online so he was clearly interacting with others, just avoiding me. I can wait till tomorrow I suppose for a response it's just that,,

did I do something wrong?

maybe he's scared of me now and I don't want him to be. I want him to know that I'm there for him and that I care a lot. I don't want him to believe that I'm not okay with it and that I hate him because I don't. I just wanted him to say I love you one last time or something before his disappearance

im likely just overthinking it because ive been disgustingly prone to sensitivity recently and eugh,, it sucks. for the last years of my life I've had an disorganized attachment style and now it's just straight anxious. though it doesn't show very aggressively or anything it's pretty prominent I worry.

maybe I should just lay down and wait till morning. im just gonna keep stressing myself out if I don't rest

sincerely,

andro

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going to hangout w/ my friends and my bf tmrw

I win